Thank goodness that is over

There is a lot going on at school. In general, I am feeling good and hopeful about my current experiments. The past couple of weeks have been rough though. Two of the five of us who came in together just defended. Last Friday was the day of one of those defenses, as well as my regular department seminar. That friend pushed to finish so she could move to be with her fiancee and has no solid job lined up until next spring. Today, my friend who defended has everything I wish I had right now - a loving husband, a baby girl on the way, and her PhD completed (my preference is probably in that order).

To all of you who say it will be worth it in the end, I hope I feel that way when it is over. And I would not quit after the time I have put in. Right now though, and for the past couple of months, I am not sure this PhD is really what I should have done or really needed to do. Sure I will make my family call me doctor (even if it is in the Ross Gellar sense) and be able to run a lab and teach at the college level if I so choose. I really think I would have been just as happy getting a masters in teaching and going with it. The grass is always greener on the other side I suppose.

I really did not know how I was going to do the past two defenses. Is that selfish? I had warned my friends at school that I could have potentially been a mess. I basically did not think about my friends finishing and me not finishing on those days. It helped.

Last week a faculty member emailed me to see if I could host an accepted graduate student for two nights over spring break. I said no. There are a MILLION reasons I could give. I stuck with a white lie about already having plans those nights and my apartment not being conducive to having guests who I do not know because you have to walk through my bedroom to get to my bathroom. Plus, I added, shouldn't he ask one of the first or second years who have a better perspective on how the program is now? Other arguments I did not point out: I am bitter and jaded; after you are finished with coursework, grad school is a personal experience that is based on your relationship with your advisor, your research, and your outside life and I am to that point; I took three years off before grad school and am almost 30 years old, whereas this student is still in college and will be going straight though; he mentioned the department paying for groceries and there is no way in h*&% I would be cooking for her. Basically, it could have made for an awkward TWO nights.

So for now, I will distance myself from incoming and early career grad students in the program, try desperately (and thoroughly) to finish my experiments by June, and keep my eye on the end of the tunnel.

Off to read a third friend's thesis...