Recuperating

This week marked my first illness-related absence from my current job.

I went for a run after work on Monday, given the lovely spring weather here. My GPS and my foot were both messed up, so I kept it short. I headed home, made plans to make dinner and feed Birthday Twin (hereafter known as BT*?), then promptly puked three times after I started making dinner. Luckily BT hadn't made it to far in the car, and I could tell him to turn around. (Sadly, this has ended up meaning we have not seen each other all week, and I can tell you that is a real shame.) I finished making dinner, put it in the fridge, and passed out on the couch for 2 hours. Then woke up and went to bed. THEN (because I know you're enjoying the play-by-play), I stayed home yesterday with a fever that went down mid-afternoon. On one hand, I've said multiple times I wish I would get sick and have a reason to cancel class. On the other hand, I didn't have any classes to teach yesterday, so it was a waste of a "sick day" (not that I have some set number of sick days...I think...).

My recuperation consisted of getting up normal time for work, emailing a couple of people that I was sick and not coming in, then watching the series finale of Downton Abbey. Its ending made me pleased and was essentially what I was hoping. Then I slept on the couch for a couple of hours.

I ran in to work to get work, since I figured I would still need to prep class. I stopped and got some raspberry sherbert on the way home, because nothing says childhood fever to me like some raspberry sherbert. I seriously think that was the magic that made my fever go down over the afternoon. I managed to prep a bit for class and finish grading some exams! Then I went to bed at 9:00.

Factors contributing to my recovery from the weird <24 event:="" flu-like="" hour="" p="">

• Downton Abbey!
• ~20 hours of sleep in ~36 hour period.
• Only puking those initial times and not continuing. I hate throwing up.
• 2 advil.
• One of my favorite students (who are we kidding? we all have favorites...) earning 100% on the exam I was grading. This was 11 points above the next highest test! She was beside herself today. It was amazing.
• I got my impact score back from a research proposal I submitted in the fall. It is in the solid "excellent" range. I don't want to get too hopeful, but cross your fingers I get real grant funding!!! I'm mostly excited that this would mean I could hire a technician and pay myself for the two months per year not covered by my contract. Game changers.
• BT. [Warning: here comes train of unedited thoughts.] I really want to know how this will go. I think after a couple more weeks I will either need to pull the plug before getting too attached, or it will just have to be the real thing. He may not have a choice. My college roommies (with whom I conclaved** this weekend) were (rightly) amazed? appalled? surprised? all of the above? that I do not know BT's last name. In the words of one of said roommies, "It never came up!" Sadly, my illness got in the way of seeing him this week because then we both had other conflicts. But the text conversations. Oh, the text conversations! The "When can I see you again?", "I want them all" in response to my free nights next week, a Harry Potter marathon that would get him into my SIL's good graces, "You're worth it" in response to making him wait (and to which I responded that he's a smart man). Oh, he's funny too! Me - "I guess meteorologists care." Him - "Yeah, so like 50 people."
• On a related note, the other guys I have had more communication with or gone on a couple of dates with have sorta faded out. NBD. We'll see how BT works out and reevaluate if necessary.
• I inspired a friend to try some online dating, & so far it's been good for her too! Yay!

Okay...now back to work....

*BT is the IRL nickname of one of Bill's friends. So if you think of a better nickname for the current boy, do let me know.

** The 6 of us who lived together senior year in college live within a 4-hour driving range since I moved back east. SUPER doable. We have been getting together about twice a year. It's amazing. The first time was when the last papal conclave was occurring, and we had a new member who has since married into our 'family' who we joked would be voted on at our conclave.

***Conclave story 2 that has no reference above. I jokingly asked my friends if they had secretly voted Bill out, and I just hadn't known it. One**** responded that because I seemed indifferent, they were indifferent and didn't even bother. I think my friends may know me better than I know myself sometimes...

****OMG, that friend is getting married in October and I. CANNOT. WAIT.

Thanks

Thank you, attractive vendor at the craft show, for watching me pass by.

Thank you friend with whom I recently caught up after too long for your encouraging words re: lots of stuff.

Thank you, colleague, for mentioning how much it bugged you that the student who was house sitting put the mugs back differently and that bothered you. It made me really realize I cannot live alone for the rest of my life.

Thank you, Director of Res Life, for letting me know you hear good things about me from the students!

Thank you, College Chaplain, for introducing me to students as being wonderful.

Thank you, online dating site users, for filling up my social calendar. You have good tastes (in me!).

Thank you, local friends, for getting excited about my stories.

Whoa

So. It's been nearly 7 months since I last posted. I (think I) will not try to do some major recap or anything, because that would probably be mostly for me? Many of you know bits and pieces of the last 7 months of my life through the FB, Instagram, seeing me, etc. You readers who may still have this pop up on your bloglist have had your own wonderful, awful, and/or average life things happen over these past months.

....

I started this post a couple of days ago, but didn't know where else to go with it. The title was actually in reference to the 7 months since the last post. I am inspired to post it and a random hodge podge of things though, because I found out on the ever trusty face book that my most faithful commentor, Ron, passed away at work yesterday. I never asked how Ron found my blog, but it was likely from my early days of blogging when I would wander around blogland reading and commenting. Once, I posted about being googleable, and Ron was up to the challenge and ended up tracking me down on the face book. My ex thought it was weird Ron and I were friends on FB (but NOT that my other ex kept trying to stay in touch with me). I never met him in real life despite driving back and forth near his homebase several times. He was always ready with an obviously ridiculous comment on posts on the FB, and kind in blogland. He struggled with his life, but was a good person.

It is strange, because I lost my last living grandparent in the spring right before my birthday, but was not inspired to post about that loss. To be fair, I have thought of posting many, MANY times in these seven months, so maybe I will just start working through thoughts of race, relationships, academia, etc.?

In the meantime, I have recommitted to running, or at least am trying. Also eating more fruits and vegetables and less carbs. I am trying to be at least active in an intentional way every day starting last week (although on Saturday I got a mani-pedi instead...) and be aware of what I am eating (logging everything for 7 days to truly see if I eat the way I think I do).

I will leave you with some recipes I have tried recently that are TOTAL wins:

Earl-grey tea cake with rhubarb cream cheese icing I made to watch the last couple of episodes of Outlander with friends...who ended up canceling because they needed to finish packing for their impending trips to Europe. For the record, I brought it to work and did not eat it all myself!

Coconut raspberry dark chocolate muffins that happen to be vegan, paleo, low-carb, and grain free. A coworker picked me two pints of raspberries (and blueberries!), so I was using a handful of them up.

A delicious banana bread recipe I made vegan (by substituting "flax egg" for real egg) and roasted the bananas for because they were not very ripe. This one I made vegan because one of my summer research students is vegan and had her wisdom teeth out last week, so I promised to bake something she could eat before that happened. The cranberries were a surprisingly good touch!

Last, but not least, a zucchini crust for a "pizza". There is a comment that it is "quiche-like", which I would buy. It comes out a little floppy, but relatively sturdy to hold stuff up. Obviously if you were to dare to attempt feed this to children you should NOT use the word "pizza", because pizza it is not. I actually made it with summer squash that the same coworker who donated the raspberries brought in for me. I also used two eggs instead of egg substitute and then added a tablespoon of flax meal and did not use the suggested toppings. If you have seen any of my recipe posts, you will know that I frequently mess around with recipes though....

....

So thanks, Ron, for inspiring me in your absence to post again. Sorry there was not any bacon in the recipes...although that would be tasty on the "pizza"! I'll be interested to see if you entrusted someone to take down your blog when you were gone...

Maybe I'll keep up the blogging....

(...or maybe just reposting links to old posts I never want to forget.)

Tapped

I was going to title this 'Tapped Out', but I am not quite there yet. In true form I have some work I truly need to finish tonight. I also just had a text conversation with a dear friend about how we need to catch up and said that I was sad over the weekend thinking about how I haven't been able to make time to keep up with friends [waves hi to all those friends out there], but here I am posting something so I can clear my mind and get the work done. You're welcome.

The truth is I do have down time, and it is typically spent hanging out with Bill. I did see a friend and her fiancee over the weekend because she happened to text and Bill and I were going to be walking right by their apartment. I am going on a whirlwind trip to Disney World next weekend and running 13.1 miles in the middle of the trip. Life is not entirely all work and no play.

Work is happening and good and very busy. I find myself talking with a lot of students outside of class, which is great because I think they generally think I am approachable and helpful. My summer research student frequently exclaims how much she loves me and how I always have great advice. I am particularly touched after the college chaplain emailed me with a message from a student I have a good relationship with because that student specifically asked the chaplain to tell me something.

It is a tricky balance when students like interacting with you and you want to know what all of them think and how you can help them but you have classes to prep and research to do. I said to friends at work today that I think I am spending too much time doing that because at the end of the day I have talked with a lot of students and not done much work. I end up at home at 9:00 with a bunch of work to do. I do love the student part of my job, though, and sometimes I think I would be fulfilled by a career in counseling.

Then I get an email from the college chaplain that makes me tear up (the student is/will be fine, but I am just worried), and then I realize counseling and caring about everyone all the time would be too exhausting.

Relationships

This is not about the romantic type of relationships, but the friend type.

I have struggled to get stuff done so I could get my research set up this year and head back to my post-doc lab to retrieve some reagents. Plan A was to go back Thanksgiving. Plan B was winter break. Plan C was spring break. I had reached various states of anxiety over this time, thinking I would never get my research going. Each time I would chill out because this is my first year and my teaching is going fine and I will have a summer student and I have been engaged on campus. I am at a small liberal arts college. These are the real expectations. (As a matter of fact, my department chair gave me a heads up that he's supposed to write a progress letter for my file but it wasn't at the top of his list because the department has no concerns about me, but that he would get to it eventually.)

At the beginning of mid-March, I FINALLY finalized dates for a technician come to set up the system I inherited from my post-doc lab that required some plumbing and electric work in my future lab that I had waited a couple of months for facilities to get done. My Plan D trip back to my post-doc lab is now Easter Weekend.

Even though I had touched base with friends over the past 6 months and held my imminent visit (see Plans A through C above) out like a carrot in front of a rabbit, I could actually tell them I was definitely coming! They all got excited and so am I. There have been some snags in getting my lab ready to make it possible to bring stuff back, but even if I can't do it for my research, I have decided that I will still go to see everyone.

I miss my friends there. I was sadder to leave than I would have thought, given the reason for my moving there and the outcome of that relationship. I am so excited to see them (plus a baby that has arrived since I left!) in a couple of weeks. On a related note, I finally unfriended CF on the face book. I was working up to it and frankly wanted to do it before my impending birthday so that he would notice. I am awful. :-)

This has also made me think about various friendships I have made over the years. Friendships that are stronger than others. Once stronger friendships that have faded. Friendships that make for fun times when schedules and travel plans match up. Friendships that make me happy about my life choices, despite any difficult times that coincided. Old friends to whom I am geographically closer now and as a result made new friendships, thanks to my friends having significant others. New friendships where I live now that I would miss if I left my new home (absolutely no plans to do so, though), and surprise that as much as I like to sit at home and drink beer and watch TV, that those friendships developed in 6 months.

Sometimes, and honestly sometimes quite often, I miss things I do not have in my life, nor ever have, that others do. But in reality, I have made choices about my life and the things that I do about which I am happy and make me happy regardless.

Multitasking

My friend was recently telling me that she does not want to 'bug' her boyfriend too much about future plans because he is finishing his thesis and he cannot 'multitask'. Prior to this, she felt bad for bringing it up with him because he was working on a big project and also had his thesis and could only work on one thing at a time because he cannot 'multitask'.

I think I had such a visceral reaction to this because she sounds like I did a few years ago when CF refused to respond to any of my attempts at talking about future plans as well. I told her as much and also that she should think about my suggestions in this light. She shares a lot with the boyfriend, as she should, so I pointed out that she should also tell him this about me if she told him what I said. In addition, her boyfriend's inability to discuss a plan, with the acknowledgement that plans are not set in stone but give you a goal, is affecting my friend's well-being. Thinking you may unfairly burden a partner and refraining from a conversation when you yourself then end up unfairly burdened does not make sense to me.

Multitasking has nothing to do with doing two things at once. Sure you can pat your head and rub your stomach at the same time or chew gum and walk, but I am pretty sure that if the things require cognitive input, you can only do one thing at a time. I told my friend that if she gave her boyfriend a heads up that she needed (yes, actually needs) to talk about this would mean that he could be prepared to participate instead of him being unprepared, as he has apparently been during previous attempts. (As an aside, I have done this with exes to no avail.)

I actually do this with myself. I will think about how to approach something for way. too. long. sometimes. Then when I go to actually do it, it takes very little time though. There are some things I absolutely need to get done in a timely fashion that are simmering right now.
     Taxes, for example. It is way past when I should have already made an appointment to have someone do those for me.
     A grant proposal due in July. It seems like a long way off, but it is a big proposal. This may sound crazy, but as long as my teaching is good, if I got a proposal funded through this mechanism, I might be all set for tenure in 5 years. Seriously.
     My lesson plans for next week. It is spring break for me and I took the last three days off from work-work. Bill and I hung out literally all weekend, I cleaned my apartment from top to bottom, and I did all my laundry (plus the extras like my duvet cover). There is no more procrastinating available in my apartment.
     Figuring out this Bill thing. There are several things I am trying to get used to again. As with my conversation with my friend about she and her boyfriend, it would make sense for me to share with Bill so he does not think I am ambivalent or boring. One is I getting used to being gone. Bill likes to travel, even for regular weekend things. I do too, I just have not had the resources to do it in recent years. I need to get back into the swing of things. Participating in the summer research program provides me a stipend, but the budget is continually shrinking for the program so who knows what measly amount it will be. Honestly Bill pays for almost everything, but then I feel bad about that (see above sharing idea...). See also this previous post. I have also been unfriending people on Facebook who I only know from my previous relationship life. I have done this in waves, and it was great to do some of this the other day as I was also friending new people I have met in my new life.
     Getting my research set up. I have a summer student lined up and not my research. I had plans of doing this in January. Then this week during spring break. It involves a trip back to my post-doc lab to pick stuff up. First some plumbing was not getting done. Then there are snow days that bring everything to a screeching halt at my small liberal arts college. Now there is a water shut down in my building to do outside water main work (which is surely delayed thanks to a snow storm yesterday). Not surprisingly, I JUST got an email that water will be off through Thursday (one-day delay), with no hot water until Friday. FML. Time to get dressed, head to campus, and plan my bathroom breaks so I can go to the building next door to use their bathrooms.

How serious ARE you?

Three things indicating various levels of seriousness for you to judge. It is always nice to be told you are expected to be judgmental, right?

1. I really do love when I feel fully prepared for class or when I finish writing up an assignment. I am enjoying meeting students at all levels - teaching an upper level course with a lab and an intro lab section. I just confirmed with a student that she will do summer research with me. For the most part, I think I am on the right track. But when the weather channel sent out a storm watch alert for later this week and I heard other faculty complaining about the winter weather, MY first thought was, "let's go snow day or delay!"

I never really thought I would be that person (I mean we are only 2 weeks into the semester!), but it is nice being on the instructor side of a snow day. Plus I honestly do not mind the winter weather, I am sure in part because I do not have to shovel or clear trees that fell down in the recent ice storm.

2. Rapunzel had this idea that we would use Nike+ to motivate each other to stay active, although she seems quite good at it herself. We both said, at least in the beginning that knowing someone else could see when we ran made us more likely to run, and we kept trying to just get ahead of the other person (although I was just trying to keep up...). She finished the 30 miles in 30 days a few days early and set up a new 32 miles in 30 days challenge. And she just finished after 11.5 days. I have not kept up, but I did run 30.06 miles in January and already 17.17 miles this month. Not too shabby, but not quite as serious as Rapunzel.

3. BIL guy is coming with me to my parents for a big bonfire and drinking this weekend. On one hand, I suppose it is some-adjective-I-can't-quite-put-my-finger-on that technically we have only been [clearly] out of the friend zone since Jan 1 and he is hanging out with my family. On the other hand, he knew my BIL way back and has met my sister and the kids, and we have been hanging out for so long, that it does not feel weird at all. He also has been happy to come from the first time I mentioned it, including when I gave him another out over the weekend. That is mostly all I have to say about that.

The count-down

I am lucky. I still have another week before classes start. I have been relatively productive during break, but could have done more planning and prep before now if I had cared to. At the same time, I am definitely not going into the semester exhausted, which is a good thing.

I am not sure if I have mentioned it, but I am teaching a lecture/lab course plus one intro lab this semester. In the sciences we figure out staffing by contact hours, so I will be in the classroom teaching for 9 hours a week. The intro lab is no big deal - there is a person who preps the labs - but I will also be sitting in on the lecture so I know what the students are learning and also sitting in on a lab before mine so I know what to teach - that will add another 6 hours to my in-class time each week. The other class I am teaching I have decided to do from scratch even though I have my predecessor's materials, so it will be fairly time consuming to generate the course material. My knowledge is different from my predecessors, so it was either learn what she had taught and teach it, or draw on what I know and make up new labs. So I went with the latter.

Unfortunately I will not have my research set up before the start of classes, so I am not sure if I will be able to use my research in my teaching lab this year, but will down the road!

I realized last week that I actually have to be putting together lectures for the semester. Tomorrow, I start my one-lecture-prep-a-day plan. Over the course of the week, I need to outline the first few labs too. I am excited about the course, as it is upper level, and am trying to hold the self-doubt at bay. I know I can do it, I just need to do it.

In other news, I painted this. It will be fired and ready to pick up this week. I picked it as a pet dish, but we will see if she gets to use it or not. I painted the flower on the inside figuring it could be a water dish, and then I could still see my handy work. A few of us went for a ladies' night at one of those paint-your-own studios, and we all did completely different designs. It will be fun to see how they look after being glazed and fired!

In other-other news, I spent a fun couple of days in Philadelphia this weekend.

 The stairs Rocky runs on.

 The Liberty Bell, which I learned was cracked from day 1.

 Independence hall.

 The room in which the Declaration of Independence and the Constitution were signed. George Washington sat in the chair in the front!

 Random alley...

I have also managed to run 3- 4 times per week, thanks to some friendly motivation. For some reason I don't feel like I am getting any faster or that it is getting any easier. I think I need to try running without music, as boring as that sounds, to figure out what my natural pace is. It is on my To Do list for tomorrow.

My motivation to keep on top of my work this semester is going to be more short trips like this. 7 days to the new semester and counting...

The dating scene

We got some winter weather here in the mid-Atlantic, and while I am still crossing my fingers for a snow day tomorrow, I was just informed that it is not that bad outside. This means that I really, really need to finish putting together some sort of powerpoint for my last lecture of my first semester as a professor (holy crap?!).

You know what weekends are good for though? Distractions. I have generally been doing non-work related social things on weekends, and this weekend was no different. This is becoming a weekly installment of getting my distractions out there so I can do work. Earlier today I thought about posting, and probably should have so that I could do work now, but am back to struggling with how much I want to post here for a couple of reasons -  I have tried really hard in recent years to not over analyze life, and posting about my personal life seems to counteract those efforts. Plus I always think about how much I should post about other people and who reads this who may know who I am but I do not realize they read it and privacy and if I care if the subject of a post ended up reading that post someday and....

Anyway, my Friday and Saturday evening were both spend with men. Friday was a second date with one guy and Saturday was the gazillionth time I have hung out with another. In between has been texting with both of them. Shall we discuss chronologically?

Friday was an, oh, 6 hour second date. I think I have mentioned before that if I am not terribly interested in someone, I find myself to be a pretty good conversationalist because I feel no pressure to impress that person. (Although because I am comfortable in my being single and am okay with the idea of remaining so, I think that makes me more at ease and a better conversationalist in these dating situations too.) Also, a dating situation earlier in the fall made me admit to myself that if I do not find a guy attractive enough that I think further interactions will increase his attractiveness to me, then it is not worth more than a first date. I would say this guy is somewhere in between. The problem is that a couple of times I compared him (in my head) to an ex-ex: he is somewhat entrepreneurial (started his own company), is an engineer, and has a couple of sporty cars. So am I looking for things to be wrong with someone? Are these even things that bother me? I think it is more that these things do not impress me, but they do not unimpress me. He definitely is interested in me, so I guess we will see where this all leads.

Saturday, after catching up with college friends at one of their holiday open houses, BIL guy came over to watch Christmas movies. I think he needs a new nickname. At this point I likely know him better than my BIL does. :-) So, Friend Guy? Friendish Guy? What-the-hell-is-going-on Guy? Take your pick, but he changed some of his plans to come over, drink wine, and watch Christmas movies with me (Love Actually, Emmet Otter, and the original Grinch cartoon...followed by UTube randomness). And we just did what we always do. Drink and talk for hours. That's it. So, um, we have had two completely platonic-ish sleep overs now necessitated by the fact that we live far enough apart that in order to go home, one of us would have to not drink to be able to drive or else take what would not be a cheap cab ride home (not exactly the way I would chose to spend my limited disposable income).

Here is where the not over-analyzing comes into play because as I was reflecting on last night, I found myself projecting on his behavior, as in, if I had done certain things he did, it would be because I am a certain way; but I have no way of knowing if that is an explanation for his behavior. Case in point: After telling me about how long it takes him to fall asleep, and me telling him what a good sleeper I am, he totally fell asleep before me when we stopped talking. If that was me, it would be because I was super comfortable in the situation (in a good way, not in a non-caring way). Anyway. After last night, I was thinking that I will just let it be and leave it up to him to suggest the next hang out, and then I was disappointed about that thought. He has since initiated a couple of txt conversations today, and there is one weekend left before he heads home for Christmas, soo.....

So, it should be an interesting end to my 2013. Boys, holidays, What-the-hell-is-going-on Guy's birthday. Oh, and work...Back to that lecture....

Distracted with work to do

This weekend was wonderful and awful. I am thankful, grateful, sad, tired, and wondering how to get all the work done that I need to get done. I had grand plans for the weekend, but did not manage to go running (too freakin' cold at my parents' house) or do any commenting/grading on lab reports I have (I forgot I had them...) or work on comments from reviewers on a paper. So, in true Jenski form, I will just spill some randomness to get it out there, so I can focus better.

I am practicing not discussing anything of substance when surrounded by my family. I think that many of you have already discovered the wisdom of this practice. Over the past couple of years I have realized that while people care that you have an opinion, they do not necessarily care what that opinion is and would rather not have you challenge theirs. Your family you are stuck with, so it is best to practice this skill with them. While you choose your friends, it is as if by choosing them you decide it is okay if you have different opinions and therefore it is safe to discuss them.

I do not think I know when my mother things she is being sarcastic or funny. She always sounds judgmental and angry when she comments on things, and then when I try to talk her down she gets actually angry at me. Or maybe she is just judgmental and angry, but she frequently acts exasperated when I comment, so I think she is trying to be funny. I may never know.

My grandmother is quickly going down hill with her late onset Alzheimers. This week my Dad and Uncle are taking her to the home they had all checked out when her mind was working (slightly) better to have lunch and leave her there (and with dementia/Alzheimers patients they do not want you to visit for a few weeks so the person adjusts to their new home). My Dad and I talked quite a bit about the situation, and he knows that this is all more difficult for him (and his brothers) than it is for her, but he is dreading the idea of Christmas. How my Grandmother adapts to living in the home will determine whether the medical staff thinks it is okay to take her out for Christmas. (If she is not adjusting well, they will recommend against it.) Every time I am home, the older generation comments that I will be surprised at how bad my grandmother is, but really I am not. I am prepared to not be able to have a real conversation with her and for her to not remember anything and be confused. I wonder if they are surprised that I am not more upset by it?

Family friends stopped over Friday with their kids, all six of whom they adopted from the foster care system and three of whom I babysat. We usually see them at Christmas, but the dad had been fairly persistent that they stop by while all of us were there. My brother and his wife were in town, and I guess they hadn't met my SIL before. Then the dad died. That night. In the car while his wife was driving. While this was very much sudden and very much completely unexpected, there have been many strange coincidences over the past few weeks leading up to his death. I went in to the hospital with my parents, then we helped get the family and their cars home and waited while the grandmother, two aunts, and nephew drove the four hours in the middle of the night. It was a long night for me, but it will be a very tough holiday season for the Mom and kids. He asked me how life was, I talked with the Mom about teaching, and as they were leaving, he made sure to check in to see if I had a Man in my life. He always asked about that, hence the capital 'M'. When I did have one, he asked about the status of the relationship. In the car, I guess he told his wife I never change (I am pretty sure in a good way!). I am glad they stopped, that I got to say good bye to him, and spend some time with the family. I am hoping and praying the family sticks together and gets through this; a couple of the kids have had rougher lives than others and will not have an easy time dealing with this loss.

Last weekend I got to catch up with some friends from Boston who are atheists. Much of my family no longer practices any religion and no longer has any particular belief and/or also identifies as an atheist. I, to this day, do not know what I believe but in recent years have found and participated in Christian churches with beliefs in various civil rights and investment in public service that I place value in. These values and practices are in secular lives as well, and I think that whether a person is religious or non-religious does not determine their investment in these issues and practices. Both religious and non-religious people are judgmental about the other, which is fairly obvious if you ever are exposed to an ounce of news coverage. See above for my current approach to these topics when with my family. Interestingly, I did not bring up my church attendance with my friends last weekend, mainly because of the meeting they were attending and the people we were surrounded with. Although I did talk about church with the one friend when it was just she and I hanging out, so it may follow my argument above comparing conversations with family and friends.

Boys are boys. My SIL (and my sister who actually reads this) will be disappointed to learn that BIL guy and I just. hung. out. again tonight. And decorated my tree together, because that's what platonic friends do, right? And also I am not willing to put myself out on a limb if there is any possibility of rejection, and I'm okay with that (see previous relationships chronicled on this very blog).

Occasionally I will wonder about the title of my blog, but tonight is one of those times I realize just how fitting it is. Where to start?

So much to say

So many titles I can give the randomness could be this post, but it's getting late and I need some sleep so I can try to get some work done tomorrow. Three weeks tonight until I am living in a new place. It's crazy. Scary. I try not to think about all the things I want to do before then. All the things I could have done.

But enough about work.

My sister is a smart lady. She saw this crush happening and was worried what might happen if I pursued it. Never fear. I wanted too much to be back on the right coast near friends and family to let the possibility of a relationship pop up on my radar for real and keep me in this Midwest town.

As I type this, I am on the FB with one of my favorite contemporaries joking about redecorating his bathroom next week when I will be the second adult with my other favorite contemporary at summer youth "group"/hang out while the former goes to some show he wants to go to. We chat every other night or so on the FB. Sometimes during the work day. Minimally at church because I'm awkward like that. Le, sigh.

The other night, he informed me this should be my new theme song.

Aw.

Last night I think I started saying good-bye to people. It was the year-end handbell dinner. People gave me cards and hugs and it is kinda sad. We met at the home of the woman with whom I was paired prior to joining the church. Her daughter lives in a neighborhood of Boston and teaches school in a town near my sister. Her husband passed away several years ago. She herself was a teacher and just took early retirement at the end of this school year. She encouraged me to ring bells. She feels sorta like an aunt. She keeps track of me and what is going on in my life. I was in my car as one of the last three and she and I ended up talking for another 30 minutes while the mosquitoes had their fill. Over the course of the conversation though, she informed me that the one contemporary, RM if you're still with me on this random story, is going to miss me. I think she meant because I have started being involved with the youth at church and am mostly willing to take on organizational/leadership-type responsibilities and will say yes when asked as long as I do not have something else specifically planned. There is the other 'what if' side still...see the song suggestion he gave me above and any previous discussion of avoiding the over-thinking college woman I was so I don't get wrapped up in the what-ifs and get my stuff written and my apartment packed and my butt moved so I can start my career for reals.

Greatly loved

I am doing many things that feel like procrastination, but really I am clearing my head so I can focus and get more writing done. (That's my story, and I'm sticking to it.) The good news is that I should get word that my research paper is accepted for publication soon, the bad news is my boss and I are writing a review of our research topic that is due in July. Yesterday friends came over and we did work together, took a ride on my neighbor's boat, did some more work, then they forced me to watch the first two episodes of Downton Abbey. More bad news, because now I have to keep watching! But this was the sunset.

Also just called my Dad and checked that off the list on this Father's Day. Only whenever I talk to my parents, and I make an observation about their choices, they take it personally and get all worked up. Really I just want to hear my Dad sound grateful for the fact that he can collect unemployment instead of thinking the system is messed up, that he shouldn't be able to collect unemployment, and yet he is anyway because he can. And then joking that you wish Obama could be reelected when Obama isn't the one who came up with the idea of unemployment benefits isn't funny either. Really I just want my Mom to ask my Dad to go walking with her so he has the option open all the time instead of assuming he never will. "We'll walk together when we retire." To which I responded, "Why wait until you retire?" I should have added, "What if one of you dies before then? That's lost time."

But back to the idea of being loved that I meant to write about. I find myself becoming emotional in funny situations recently. The interim pastor at my church is a very friendly outgoing person who has lots of stories to tell thanks to his many past interim positions. His first week, at the end of the service, he explained that he always ends services by telling those gathered one specific thing:

Go out into the world knowing this, that you are Greatly loved.

I have teared up both times I have heard him say it. It occurred to me today that while I know my family and friends love me, knowing it is an intellectual thing. Living alone and not being in a relationship or having my own immediate family means that I am not reminded on a daily basis that I am loved. It really is important to tell the people you love that you love them. This is not a plea for y'all to email me or call me, either. :-) There are things that remind me that I am loved. I know my kitty loves me!

[back story] I did get a good smile and hi from VM today. I was already thinking about all the things I had to do when RM asked me if I wanted to feel his shaved head (courtesy of the church school because they reached a goal for their mission project), so it ended up awkward instead of funny. I was asked if I would want to lead a week of Sunday school this summer, so I am checking with VM's SIL to see if she wants to do it with me. Why not? :-) My boss bringing up a going away party for me and making a sad face when she did. Time spent with my friends yesterday who are so funny about becoming parents, and amazed at how much I know without having my own child, and being good enough friends that the mom-to-be shares her long leg hairs with me (long story). AND my aunt just FB messaged me, so that is funny. Nice moments like that are reminders that you are loved, but still not the same as hearing someone tell you what you mean to them.

I also have this strong sense of belonging to everything and being a part of everything that often makes me want to just sit and be. That sounds all very 60s and hippie, but pretty much when I watch the sunsets on the lake I am not thinking of anything and am truly just amazed at how beautiful it is. It is overwhelming (in a positive way, but not in a get-your-work-done kind of way) when you have the time to think of these things. Maybe not as overwhelming as cleaning up puke on your birthday, but still. ;-)

These words get at just this feeling, and I love them. I will often listen to the song on repeat when it comes up in the car.

I know a please a thank you and a smile will take me far,
I know that I am you and you are me and we are one,
I know that who I am is numbered in each grain of sand,
I know that I've been blessed again, and over again.

~ Originally by Keali'i Reichel , Cover by Sweet Honey in the Rock that I have

I learned this song from a mix made by one of my college roommates. Senior year, one of my roommates had the awesome idea that we should all put together mixes, she would burn the CDs, and we would have a mix of music from each of us. (I think we are still missing two???)

Whirlwind

I am pretty sure the last two weeks have taken about a month to get through. I was looking forward to sleeping in my own bed tonight after 10 days on the road, but alas. The travel goddesses caught up with me, and I am spending another night at a hotel in VA. Although, US Airways gave me a voucher with no hassle for a nice Hilton, so I cannot complain too much. My cat might have a different opinion after being alone for so long (with my neighbor checking on her).

Last time I posted was a bit on the depressing side. I definitely got myself worked up for nothing, and would have better spent the emotional energy in some other manner. My grandfather's visiting hours and funeral were sad and nice. My Mom is from a small town, and a lot of the relatives still live there. In fact, my grandfather's spouse's relative commented that she did not realize my grandfather had so many relatives. I caught up with a cousin who I had not seen in years, which was great. I had found his sister and another cousin on FB, and he friended me after we talked for a while.

So...I started this post a while ago and then got distracted with Cupcake Wars...and I need to get up in a few hours for my ridiculously early flight...So, here are some photos. Proof that I was off doing things like a bridal shower...

 

...and a trip to where I will be starting a job this summer...

 

  

...and a meeting near Colonial Williamsburg...

Okay, so none of those pictures *PROVE* anything. You'll just have to trust me that they are what I say they are. :-)

Acts of Kindness

My two most recent acts of kindness:

1. A gift basket for my fellow post-doc. She got married the middle of December, and they bought a house in January. She is also in the middle of logistics for her visa, as she is a visiting scholar. She is also on the less pro-active side, so while she says she wants to invite us (lab people) over to their new house, who knows when it will be. I collected lots of different things over the course of the past two months, and left it on her desk last weekend when she said she would be in. Actual conversation: "Um, can you let me know when you'll be in on the weekend? I have something for you and it's kinda bid and kinda heavy," Me. Her, "Umm...okay?"

There's some wine, candles, towels, snacks, tea, and mugs. Her native-English-speaking husband asked why the 'M' and 'B' on the mugs...so she pointed out those are the first letters of their names. This is me withholding comment...

2. A groupon or livingsocial deal came through one day for $20 for $40 of those single-use hand warmers. I bought a box and dropped them off at the shelter in which I volunteered today. One of the clients was SO EXCITED to see a box of them and wanted some RIGHT THEN. The woman at the desk said she could not just give them out right then. (I think they check stuff in and then distribute it fairly.) It may be March, but it is still cold out here.

Wanted

You know what is amazing?

When you have close friends
and their friends
and newer friends
all telling you
to move back to them
or where you might move is not close enough
or don't leave this college town
because
we miss you
or
we will miss you.

I'll take it

It is good that I have enough good to even out the car repairs that necessitated a rental car because they could not get the parts early enough in the day. For the record, my rented Chevy Sonics is tiny! Oh, and I need to submit my research paper somewhere. You can send science magazines a description of your paper and they will give you a perspective on whether they think it would be good for their journal. So far, several have suggested that my paper is not a good fit, but not to let that discourage me from submitting to their journal in the future. Okay.

On with the good! I have an on-campus interview next week, and will see turns out another phone interview at another school. I may have choices in this whole job search thing!

I remedied a failed Loft visit with a post-Sandy celebration of buying Loft clothes when their website went online. Best part? I now have dress pants that fit correctly for one of my interview days.

I tried on some of my dress pants at the end of the summer and they were a tad snug. Inappropriately tight. So, I decided more exercising is necessary. I have been jogging every once in a while when it is still light out because it is faster than walking. The time change makes this difficult. Yesterday I left work early and fit in a run. I realized that if I run a little slower, I can run further. Go figure. I did a 2.85 mile route without walking. I am quite proud...and still refuse to become a "runner". Pants are still tight, so the next step is to lay off the chocolate...or not buy more when it is gone...

I am heartened by the results and the numbers from the recent election. And that is all. Except for what I posted on Facebook that I have repeated to myself many times:

I promise to put myself in your shoes and recall the disappointment of my candidate losing if you promise to put yourself in my shoes and understand that this is what I think is best for our country.

My friend told me that he thinks I am ready to be a professor because I handled a small situation well and did not make a big deal out of it. He also told me that he still thinks I have become funnier, except that he feels there is something negative underneath. Like I will crack one day. He is not entirely wrong, as any of you regular readers may know. But at least I am funny.

I have done a couple of research things the past week, which is great. My friend (the grad student in the lab) and I have had some great science conversations. I am often the go-to person because our lab manager is splitting her time with another position on campus. This has been a great experience and just emphasizes to me that I am ready to move on.

I have a job talk that is almost ready to go. It has taken me over a week to get it to this point, but I think about it a lot so when I sit down to work on it, it is relatively quick. What I have NOT done is prepare for meeting with people at the college. It is going to be a stressful couple of days getting ready to go, but I have new clothes (see above point).

The whole point of this is that I'll take it. I am reminding myself of all the good to help let go of the bad and it seems to be working. Go me.

Thank offering

One of the groups at church passes out little Thanksoffering boxes that are collected around Thanksgiving. You are supposed to put money in every time you are thankful for something during the fall months, and I believe they are returned on stewardship Sunday. I had put change in it here and there.

My parents came to visit for the weekend, and my Dad emptied his change into it. Seemed appropriate - we visited a museum, an art/craft fall fair, a couple of small towns in the area, a great restaurant, and hung out.

I just emptied my wallet into it yesterday. It was again appropriate. I went to NYC and got to see lots of friends and eat good food and they all humored me and did touristy things. I miss them all and was very thankful to see them.

If I had change I would put some more in there this evening for time spent with my confirmation mentee. She is two weeks shy of 14 years old, a cross country athlete, and full of energy. I think the next time we meet, I will have a coffee before so I can be more her speed. I think I used the word 'like' enough though. Her Mom, like, made us chocolate chip cookies and lemonade. No joke.

Other things that I have had fun with? I have enjoyed my smart phone. I am slowly being less obsessed with checking it all the time. Angry Birds has been bad for my productivity. I took some photos and used Instagram while in NYC at Brooklyn Brewery...

...and a random building near where we had Sunday brunch. The sky was blue; the building had cool masonry, and the clock had no hands.

All at once now.

October is packed full for me this year!

I have 10 job applications in so far, and 6 to 8 to go. I have my first phone interview on Friday! CF came to visit. My parents came to visit. I go to NYC this weekend to see friends. I got a new beautiful phone in amber brown that I will activate tomorrow; this phone is likely smarter than I. I accidentally got a white cover for it, so I will have to wait until it tears or stains and get a better color. I have been exercising only a couple of days a week, but when I do I am tired. Climbing = fun and difficult. Jogging = boring and tiring. I am getting my butt back to the research bench, and anxiously waiting for a co-author to email me back, after 3 weeks and a reminder email, so I can submit my research paper that has been finished for a while.

Fingers crossed

I have all these *things* swimming around in my head. While I should be finishing up revisions of a research manuscript, I want to just write these down so I can let them go (for now). After the manuscript, it is on to job applications this weekend. That makes me think about life, and what I want out of it. If the job search goes well, I will be moving next summer. That is crazy and exciting.

A while back I was reflecting on why the holidays were difficult for me last year.  Those things are all still true. I spend a lot more time thinking about them than I should. The funny thing is, that every time one of my good friends has a baby, gets married, or gets engaged, I am not sad at all. I am excited. And happy. And wish I lived closer to them. In fact, after my trip back to Boston this summer, my friend/the grad student in the lab told me he thought I had gotten funnier. I think I just happened to be happier than I usually am after seeing so many people who I miss! Oddly, when people I am not close with, or with whom I was once closer, I get sad when any of these things happen. Give me a while, and I can let it go.

What I am having more difficult containing is hope. This sounds silly. Who tries to contain hope? When I think about getting my next job though, I hope that life will finally click. There are quite a few jobs that fit my area of research quite well. They range from small liberal arts colleges to larger universities. A couple of them are larger schools than I *think* I want, but you never know until you get a chance to visit them. Many (maybe I am up to 10 on the list) are from D.C. to Boston. This is prime friend and family land. 10 may not sound like many, but when I was watching the job listings last year, the ones to which I applied were not good research/interest fits. I think this is promising. My CV is better than last round, particularly if I get this paper submitted the end of the month. I have hope that one of these will work out.

I have basically decided that when I get a job, I will get a car. Mine is dying a slow death, but I have a hard time thinking about taking on a car loan right now. The engine seems great, it is all the other extras, like the air conditioning, that make me worried something else is going on. Much to my sister's chagrin, at the moment that ugly Prius is high on the list. I have hope that I can get a great hybrid car. If I get a job at some of these schools, I may need an AWD vehicle though.

I am reaching with the submission of this paper to a high impact journal. Nothing related to this aspect of my research topic has been published, so the story our data make is that much more exciting. The grad student's project that we have always planned to include is starting to work, and that will make this journal less of a reach. He works hard and has been working A LOT to get it done. I have hope that he can get it done, and this journal will like the story.

Maybe this weekend I will give y'all an update on what I have actually been *doing* if you are interested. Off to uncross my fingers and get those manuscript revisions done.

On the road

I attempted to write an actual blog post, but cannot figure out what in my head I want to write about. Instead, I will give you pictures. I was just back East for 10 days (well, one day of driving on each side in a car with no AC, but whatever). I fit a fair amount of stuff in, but did not take many pictures.

I went back when I did because I had friends getting married. It was outdoors and lovely. Her dress was beautiful, as wedding dresses tend to be, and the hydrangeas were in full bloom.

I saw lots of sail boats.

Boats that apparently do not have room for a dinghy, so they have a helicopter pad on top instead.

Oh! More sail boats!

The Boston skyline from afar. (Also saw it from up close, but then it is harder to capture.)

I saw nice sunset while walking to the subway when my friend and I were on our way to her friend's roof-top Friday night happy hour overlooking the Charles River. The 'Do Not Enter' signs really make this picture, I think.

And the morning after a night out? A long drive home. At the beginning, I was thinking about how much more I like the scenery along the Mass Pike than along the highways in the northern Midwest. This picture is not the best example, but there are mountains and vistas!

I stopped and visited my grandmother (and uncle) and then hit the road again.

 At one point, I was in two countries at the same time. Crazy! Spark, I think I could see Toronto from there.

 And then the sun set.

 And unfortunately, the crescent moon does not photograph so easily when you are driving 110 km/hr.

And then there were two times when I thought I should not be driving, but I was SO CLOSE to home, so I rolled the windows down more and turned the radio up and made it home fine. My cat was so happy, her whole chin was wet with drool. It was a long 16-hour trek home.