It's so bad I have to post

Man, this day just keeps piling it on. And while none of these things seems all that bad in the grand scheme of things, they're added on to my growing anxiety about my current institution and constant internal dialogues about what to do with my job.

After an hour of my floor vibrating and finally needing to get some work done, I went downstairs and got the door slammed in my face when I politely and not out of the blue asked my neighbor to turn the base down on their music. They sort of have.

My senior colleague tells me I need to take some time to relax and maintain denial of the impending semester like everyone else. Keep in mind we were back on contract last Monday and classes start in a week (I have a 10-month contract), and he hasn't been in yet. I've taken a total of 5 week-days away from campus this summer and checked my email during those days. My job is not important enough, nor was I on contract or get paid enough, to necessitate me checking my email in the summer. I wish I didn't feel so responsible to my job.

Romeo is trying to figure out how NOT to have jury duty. Now, I absolutely strongly believe that everyone who can absolutely should do jury duty. It irritates me to no end when people complain about having jury duty. (I have post ideas about privilege, don't you worry...) BUT, he does not have any type of job for which he will get paid when he has jury duty. I do not think think that jury duty should cause someone to lose pay, which then impacts their ability to pay bills and buy food, for example. We've been dating for 6 months, and I live in a different county from him. Want to take bets on what his idea for getting out of jury duty is? I'll find out for sure tomorrow after he looks into some stuff, but I'm guessing it involves him "living with me".

Such a rough life, right? Still feel the floor vibrating...still have work to do on this Sunday afternoon...

I'll leave this on a positive note though: I'm as sure as I can be without the final official email that a grant proposal I submitted last October will be funded. That happens and I'm going to get all high and mighty on my administration and colleagues and do whatever the hell I want in my job! (Obviously continue to do my job and be successful, but screw feeling like I *should* do something when I'm contributing significantly to the operating budget, supporting my research students outside of the college budget, giving the institution significant clout as a small college, etc.) I may even have a potential full-time research technician ready to go.

I promise the next post will be all about the things I love and do to have a fulfilling life.

Shopping therapy

I have learned something about myself. I use shopping therapy if I am either in a good place and want to treat myself or sad and want to make myself better. Take the past month, for example. I bought three dresses and some Yankee candles from Z-ulily. The dresses have all been worn and the candles burned. I mean, look at how cute these are?!

I also bought new prescription eye glasses (to be fair my others were about 4 years old and all scratched up!) even though I don't have my eye benefit kick in until December again. I think they are also winners.

AND, they had small cracks in them, so when I brought them back to get a lens replaced tonight, I spent the time waiting by going to the Origins counter at Macy's, getting a mini-facial, buying too many products, and finally opening a Macy's card after all these years...and now that I think about it, I kinda think I should go back and get a pair of jeans with my initial 20% off since I need jeans.

Want to guess what type of shopping therapy this is? The good kind.

Things that have put me in a good mood despite the excessive unofficial advising I do at work because students like to talk to me and noticing the number of scratches that have accumulated on my car? Romeo. Because he has immediate responses like:

Me: I'm fine. Getting work done.
Him: You are fine.

Me: That's amazing.
Him: You're amazing.

Him: When can I see you again?
Me: Here's when I'm free...
Him: I meant can I see you again tonight?

Me: Your secrets are safe with me.
Him: I probably should keep you wrapped in my arms to be sure.

Me: What are you up to today?
Him: Maintaining my composure until I get to see you.

Or spending a day hanging out and literally watching TV all day. Him having car issues, but taking the bus out to see me after spending 36 hours together (and the public transport here isn't great).

A quickie*

I went from thinking my life was boring, to being a little more busy than I wanted, to I think settling in to a good level of busy.

On one hand, Romeo is a great reason to stay productive and free up my free time. On the other hand, he's had car issues, and we haven't seen each other since the weekend. Yes, I do own a car that I drive. We will need to discuss his reluctance to have me over...not sure if it's the area of the city he lives in, the fact that he has a roommate (his cousin), or what, but dude, (pseudo-TMI warning) a girl can't go from seeing you and non-quickie time together (vague but you get it???) several times a week to this many days off?!

The Ex texts me today that he misses my nose ring, to which I responded that that's weird because it's still there. Turns out he misses my face, is drinking at the bar, just filed for legal separation from his wife, and wants to get back together. Whaaaat. Sorry, yo. I'm working on something better with someone who regularly tells me that he wants to spend time with me, I'm great (and he's great), and is a little more grounded than you. Almost 10 years post-break-up, good to know I still have a back-up plan if Romeo doesn't work out. {insert eye rolling}

Work has its great parts and its frustrating parts. I'm trying to distance myself from much of the work socializing because it is largely complaining and gossiping and not relaxing at all. Several times I have opted for a quick lunch and a walk in the sun instead. My colleagues certainly notice, but I put in enough socializing time to largely be "excused", in the sense of still being perceived as part of the team (I think). Many of the students seek out my advice, which is great and flattering. Unfortunately they aren't my official advisees and I don't get "credit" for that time. Yesterday I spent between 60 and 90 minutes advising students who are not my advisees. That adds up. A lot. I need to speak to my chair about getting these students assigned to me so that I get "credit" for it. Good news is, the students generally love me. Not sure if it is because they perceive me as "younger" or that I am just better at this part of being a professor than some of my colleagues.

*No pun intended. This is intended to be a quickie post for my fans**.

**If I still have fans after my posting hiatus. ;-)

When one door closes another opens

Out on the porch the fly strip is
Waving like a flag in the wind
You know I really don't look forward
To seeing you again
You look like a photograph of yourself
Taken from far far away
And I won't know what to do
And I won't know what to say
Except fuck you

~Ani DiFranco

So tonight I saw the ex of long ago to whom I sent a text about a month ago. He emailed me less than a week ago saying he would be in town today and his friend was also here for a conference. So he wanted to take us out to dinner. And could he stay at my place. Two bottles of wine and wonderful dinner later, he decided to stay at the hotel with his friend.

After being so insistent about staying here (and my insistence that he tell his wife where he was staying...), it was strange. I would like to believe that after dinner (which involved me sending a few texts to Romeo), reference to the World Series winning game he let me watch alone in 2004 (which apparently he still feels super guilty about even though I was laughing about it), and his friend suggesting a couple of times that he stay at the hotel made him *finally* realize he needs to let us go? A slightly longish hug good-bye and his melancholy face suggested that may be the case.

A pretty big part of me wants to know why he changed his mind about staying at my place.

The other pretty big part just keeps thinking about Romeo and having this work out with him. Seriously. If there is any relationship I need to move on from still, it would be with CF, but this experience tonight with the ex-ex(-ex, if you count Bill now!) made me feel pretty strongly that even though I don't know Romeo that well (but I do know his last name now!!), I have this feeling that even if we don't agree on something I think we could talk about it and come to some agreement, or that our middle-children Aries personalities are enough alike and understanding of each other that strong opinions would not cause actual arguments. There is just something. And I just keep fending off thoughts that somehow I have invested too much hope in it all.

Recuperating

This week marked my first illness-related absence from my current job.

I went for a run after work on Monday, given the lovely spring weather here. My GPS and my foot were both messed up, so I kept it short. I headed home, made plans to make dinner and feed Birthday Twin (hereafter known as BT*?), then promptly puked three times after I started making dinner. Luckily BT hadn't made it to far in the car, and I could tell him to turn around. (Sadly, this has ended up meaning we have not seen each other all week, and I can tell you that is a real shame.) I finished making dinner, put it in the fridge, and passed out on the couch for 2 hours. Then woke up and went to bed. THEN (because I know you're enjoying the play-by-play), I stayed home yesterday with a fever that went down mid-afternoon. On one hand, I've said multiple times I wish I would get sick and have a reason to cancel class. On the other hand, I didn't have any classes to teach yesterday, so it was a waste of a "sick day" (not that I have some set number of sick days...I think...).

My recuperation consisted of getting up normal time for work, emailing a couple of people that I was sick and not coming in, then watching the series finale of Downton Abbey. Its ending made me pleased and was essentially what I was hoping. Then I slept on the couch for a couple of hours.

I ran in to work to get work, since I figured I would still need to prep class. I stopped and got some raspberry sherbert on the way home, because nothing says childhood fever to me like some raspberry sherbert. I seriously think that was the magic that made my fever go down over the afternoon. I managed to prep a bit for class and finish grading some exams! Then I went to bed at 9:00.

Factors contributing to my recovery from the weird <24 event:="" flu-like="" hour="" p="">

• Downton Abbey!
• ~20 hours of sleep in ~36 hour period.
• Only puking those initial times and not continuing. I hate throwing up.
• 2 advil.
• One of my favorite students (who are we kidding? we all have favorites...) earning 100% on the exam I was grading. This was 11 points above the next highest test! She was beside herself today. It was amazing.
• I got my impact score back from a research proposal I submitted in the fall. It is in the solid "excellent" range. I don't want to get too hopeful, but cross your fingers I get real grant funding!!! I'm mostly excited that this would mean I could hire a technician and pay myself for the two months per year not covered by my contract. Game changers.
• BT. [Warning: here comes train of unedited thoughts.] I really want to know how this will go. I think after a couple more weeks I will either need to pull the plug before getting too attached, or it will just have to be the real thing. He may not have a choice. My college roommies (with whom I conclaved** this weekend) were (rightly) amazed? appalled? surprised? all of the above? that I do not know BT's last name. In the words of one of said roommies, "It never came up!" Sadly, my illness got in the way of seeing him this week because then we both had other conflicts. But the text conversations. Oh, the text conversations! The "When can I see you again?", "I want them all" in response to my free nights next week, a Harry Potter marathon that would get him into my SIL's good graces, "You're worth it" in response to making him wait (and to which I responded that he's a smart man). Oh, he's funny too! Me - "I guess meteorologists care." Him - "Yeah, so like 50 people."
• On a related note, the other guys I have had more communication with or gone on a couple of dates with have sorta faded out. NBD. We'll see how BT works out and reevaluate if necessary.
• I inspired a friend to try some online dating, & so far it's been good for her too! Yay!

Okay...now back to work....

*BT is the IRL nickname of one of Bill's friends. So if you think of a better nickname for the current boy, do let me know.

** The 6 of us who lived together senior year in college live within a 4-hour driving range since I moved back east. SUPER doable. We have been getting together about twice a year. It's amazing. The first time was when the last papal conclave was occurring, and we had a new member who has since married into our 'family' who we joked would be voted on at our conclave.

***Conclave story 2 that has no reference above. I jokingly asked my friends if they had secretly voted Bill out, and I just hadn't known it. One**** responded that because I seemed indifferent, they were indifferent and didn't even bother. I think my friends may know me better than I know myself sometimes...

****OMG, that friend is getting married in October and I. CANNOT. WAIT.

Coincidence?

The craziness of coincidences on my second first date:

We share a birthday, right down to the year.
We are both middle children.
He was telling me how he processes a friend's problems - asking for all sides even though he supports the friend, and how it can frustrate people. I totally do this.
He often says no to plans, but really just needs time to think about it and will end up saying yes. Sounds familiar to me too...

I asked him what time he was born so that we could figure out who is older, and thus wiser.
Me: Hey, Mom, random question from my birthday twin...
Him: Pretty much how it went...I met someone as great as me trying to decide who's greater...

Thanks

Thank you, attractive vendor at the craft show, for watching me pass by.

Thank you friend with whom I recently caught up after too long for your encouraging words re: lots of stuff.

Thank you, colleague, for mentioning how much it bugged you that the student who was house sitting put the mugs back differently and that bothered you. It made me really realize I cannot live alone for the rest of my life.

Thank you, Director of Res Life, for letting me know you hear good things about me from the students!

Thank you, College Chaplain, for introducing me to students as being wonderful.

Thank you, online dating site users, for filling up my social calendar. You have good tastes (in me!).

Thank you, local friends, for getting excited about my stories.

Full circle

Many years ago, when I first thought it was a good idea to start a blog, I was venturing into online dating as a way to just start doing things and getting out there. So, it was my sixth post, but still. It meant I didn't have to repeat stories for those friends to whom I gave the link. Well. I may have recently embarked on my third round of this approach to reentering the dating scene/getting out there and doing things. But first, I bring you letters to people (a la Stephanie whose letters I greatly enjoy reading)!


Dear Bill,

I ate the box of your favorite Girl Scout cookies and drank the case of your favorite beer and sold the ticket to the beer fest I had for your birthday (now past). Your loss. Enjoy NYC.

Ex-Jenski



Dear fellow faculty,

Grow up.

Best,
Your fave junior colleague



Dear Ex,

I know I started this. I will likely regret it, but since I love this song and think this exact point most times I hear it, the wine I had with friends tonight "made" me send the first text. (Me on the right; he on the left.)

Jenski

P.S. Isn't it amazing that Amazon Prime knew to play 'Someone like you' soon after? Sometimes I just think FML to myself.



Dear friends/family (internet and otherwise),

Feel free to judge re: previous letter (spelling/purpose/whatev.). Seriously. I'm judging myself right now.

XOXO,
Jenski



Dear friend,

You were spot on when you said you hoped CF wouldn't break my heart but you were afraid or knew he already had. I think I'm still recovering quite honestly.

XOXO,
Ex-roomy




Sometimes you have to just get wine drunk on a Thursday night before you teach the next day...