Missing out

I am not quite sure how to explain this without you, the reader, thinking I am complaining or super depressed or something. It is true that the holiday season can be rough for the elderly who are alone. It can also be rough for other people who want to love the holidays but have lots of life stuff going on.

Basically, I feel like I am missing out on the big things in life that I really want to be taking part in for myself: marriage, children, hitting the last two continents (South America and Antarctica), being able to save money for a vacation, a car, retirement. Things a 32 year old could, and some would argue should, be able to do.

This is something I have been thinking about more than I should recently for obvious reasons: CF leaving for another state soon, seeing my family, not seeing friends, CF's family coming in two days for 12 days, friends having babies on the way or actually having them, family/friends/exes getting engaged and/or married, the holidays, travel.

Right now, I seriously feel like the only thing I have to show for this is a PhD. Some would argue that is impressive. Whatevs.

In addition to this, I do not feel like I have a place right now. I have no desire to move to where CF is moving. I want to move back to family and friends. If I end up not doing some of the things friends and family have done in their personal lives, I want to be close enough to be an actual part of their lives. Participate and live vicariously in real life, instead of just online.

I will keep applying to those jobs and trying to get my first post-doc publication finished and make it through the next couple months trying to be nice and finding reasons to be happy. Christmas music and a balsam-scented candle are doing it for me right now.

100 things: 81 - 90. Define this!

I don't know how well I fit into a two-party political mold. My guess is that few people do.

81. I support women's rights.

82. I support gay rights.

83. I believe in social safety nets to help people.

84. I do not believe a social safety net equals a free ride in life. You should not get public assistance if you are not helping yourself to earn money, be healthy, or otherwise contribute to society.

85. I love how diverse this country is and how non-U.S. citizens still want to be here even though many of us citizens think it is so awful. I do think you should be able to communicate in English to get a Green Card or citizenship. Especially citizenship.

86. I would probably be considered somewhat fiscally conservative, but see #83 above. I do think that paying taxes is crucial to the country's well-being. Also, I still don't understand quite the rationale behind tax breaks = increased jobs. Anyone have a good explanation?

87. I think our troops and the sacrifices they and their families make are incredible. We owe them a lot.

88. I think a lot about what I can do personally to make where I live better - plant flowers? do something for the schools? conserve energy and water?

89. I have no problem requiring people to have health insurance. My understanding is that one problem with the health care system is uninsured people being treated in ERs and hospitals trying to recover those costs, for example. In fact, if you are on unemployment, you should automatically be enrolled in an insurance plan that is deducted from your unemployment check. That is how it works when you have a job!

90. I do not understand how it is legal for new political leaders to finagle ways to break union contracts. I have a lot of issues with my perception of how unions actually run (not the early intents of why unions happened). But, dude. Aren't contracts legally binding? If not, what's the point of having contracts?!

Hmmmm...maybe it is not so difficult to sorta pigeon-hole me into a political category. However, many of my liberal leanings come with a strong dose of people-should-be-good-people or how-do-we-make-sure-people-don't-take-advantage-of-our-system.

Meaning

Today, I started thinking about songs that do mean something to me and thought maybe I would share a few of those.

** And as you move on, remember me,
Remember us and all we used to be
I've seen you cry, I've seen you smile.
I've watched you sleeping for a while.
I'd be the father of your child.
I'd spend a lifetime with you.

** I never took heavy words for granted,
And I never took the undeserved advantage,
No I never took the easy way,
So why don't you take it a little easy on me now.

** I am watching your chest rise and fall
like the tides of my life,
and the rest of it all
and your bones have been my bedframe
and your flesh has been my pillow
I am waiting for sleep
to offer up the deep
with both hands

** I'll be falling all about my own thing
And I know your the heaviest weight
When your not here that's hung around my head
And your lips burn wild
Thrown from the face of a child
And in your eyes
The seeing of the greatest few
Do what you will, always
Walk where you like, your step,
Do as you please,
I'll back you up

Sing along

“When people hear good music, it makes them homesick for something they never had, and never will have.”
~Edgar Watson Howe

When I was younger, I was not nearly as easily moved as I am now. For example, I can easily get teary when I hear songs that do not actually apply to my life, because I think about how I would feel if they did. Way back when, the only song I remember getting teary to was 'Butterfly kisses', which my sister had for her Father-Daughter dance at her wedding. Now though, there are a whole slew of songs that can make me get teary. Some that I have posted before certainly work, but take the following lyrics for (additional) example(s) (some maybe need to be in the context of the whole song, but you get the point):

** Phone rang early one morning
Her momma's voice, she'd been crying
Said it's your daddy, you need to come home
This is it, I think he's dying
She laid the phone down by his head
The last words that he said
Cowgirl don't cry

** Why don't you stay
I'm up off my knees
I'm so tired of being lonely
You can't give me what I need

** Hope you let your intuition
Precede my reputation
'Cause I have one
Well I am what you see
I am not what they say
But if I turned out to be
Could you love me anyway

** Now vicariously I have her in me
I want to peel off my skin
let the water wash in
You always said that I was hiding
That I was hiding from you
But you are capable of things I could not do

And this one I was singing, loudly, on my drive home tonight. It certainly did not make me teary. :-)

I dug my key into the side of his
Pretty little souped up 4 wheel drive,
Carved my name into his leather seats
I took a Louisville slugger to both headlights,
Slashed a hole in all 4 tires
Maybe next time he'll think before he cheats.

The big 3-0-0

I feel like with my 300th post should come some retrospective, like I have seen others do when they hit a milestone post. My favorite post. My funniest post. My favorite this or that. I forget what I have posted though! I was looking for a particular post the other day and came across a whole bunch I had forgotten about?! This whole post-a-day thing really makes me forget all the random things I have thought important enough to post on a given day! I also wonder what happened in the years between when daily journals were in and when blogs were in? I guess people just wrote stuff in a book and kept it to themselves?

I had forgotten about this rhubarb recipe and totally intend to make it for a department function now!

I particularly like this post about the things I have hanging on my walls, because it reminds me of all the places I have been and makes me look forward to whatever adventures lie ahead (like to South American and Antarctica, the two continents I have left to visit!!).

If you want a good example of a Jen story, here you go!

Sometimes I feel bad when I have a string of rough days and post things like this that are all about how I get down. Then there are the positives I try hard to put on them and make myself realize to deal with them. I should also read this post more often, because everything on there makes me smile. (Actually, if I read all my 100 things posts, I like them all. They are totally me.)

So, anyway, thanks to all the friends out there who I know in my daily life and who I know here on the blog for reading and commenting and making me laugh and offering insight! Even though I feel like I started this blog to try to prevent myself from repeating stories (YEAH RIGHT?!), it has definitely evolved as an outlet for things which get me down and about which I am excited. Hopefully you laugh sometimes, or enjoy a picture here and there. Hopefully I have reciprocated your attention on your blog (if you lurk, I can not do that unless you identify yourself!).

Ummm...What else? I guess that is it for now. Until tomorrow, when I have to post again... :-)

Funny ironic (not funny haha)

I have been told that I come across as a confident person. This is great! I do feel confident. Even though I am as modest as the next person can be, I do know that I am intelligent and driven. When a PI (Principal Investigator, a.k.a. Head Scientist of a Lab) recently said as much to me at the conference I went to, I was shocked and pleasantly surprised that I come across as such. Hey, my posture is even better since I started practicing yoga on a fairly regular schedule! :-)

When it comes to boys (a.k.a. "men", hehehe), this is not always the case. I get all insecure and nervous when I think someone is interested in me. I can make up excuses about how I was "shy" and "nerdy" in high school; I can point to a continuation of that in college when I guy I was totally in love with told me I was a nerd and I was definitely hurt, thinking those days were gone; I can claim that I am having a pretty day (you know, days when you feel pretty) and flirt, but if some guy did more than flirt, I would probably get all nervous and quiet. A friend and I sorta tried to date a little bit and then he said I was just different when no one else was around (i.e. quiet). Whoops.

Huh. If I am so sure of myself and my intelligence and independence and capabilities, why does it all stop when it comes to boys? If someone makes a point of seeking you out and talking and helping you with someone's drunk little sister at a wedding and you exchange phone numbers, why would you not call them? If someone you just met actually suggests taking dance lessons together because they want to take dance lessons with someone who is serious about learning how to dance, why would you think they were just saying that? If someone is shocked to find out that you are 29 (and he 25), but continues to all of the afore mentioned and maybe even kisses you goodnight, why would you think he may not be interested?

Want some excuses? Oh, he'd been drinking. Weddings lend themselves to these flirtations. Every kept telling me how "proper" he is (he asked the bride's grandmother to dance first and my roommate wanted him to ask me), so he would probably call first, right? And that's really all I got.

Plus I play these mind games with myself. It is alway flattering when someone is interested in you. I wonder if I am interested or just interested in having someone interested in me. (Pfft. There are so many reasons for me to be interested.) I really do not want to get all swept up in something only to find out something about me is a deal-breaker. I keep telling myself that the next time I start dating, it is total honesty from the beginning (not that I have ever lied, actually, but you know, just realllllllly honest), and that, I am pretty sure, scares me.

Oiy.

Here are some lyrics. :-)

Hey maybe just a smile
Oh hey do you know that I can dance
Could we talk for a while

I think you're smart
You sweet thing
Tell me your sign
I'm dying here