I am not quite sure how to explain this without you, the reader, thinking I am complaining or super depressed or something. It is true that the holiday season can be rough for the elderly who are alone. It can also be rough for other people who want to love the holidays but have lots of life stuff going on.
Basically, I feel like I am missing out on the big things in life that I really want to be taking part in for myself: marriage, children, hitting the last two continents (South America and Antarctica), being able to save money for a vacation, a car, retirement. Things a 32 year old could, and some would argue should, be able to do.
This is something I have been thinking about more than I should
recently for obvious reasons: CF leaving for another state soon, seeing
my family, not seeing friends, CF's family coming in two days for 12
days, friends having babies on the way or actually having them, family/friends/exes
getting engaged and/or married, the holidays, travel.
Right now, I seriously feel like the only thing I have to show for this is a PhD. Some would argue that is impressive. Whatevs.
In addition to this, I do not feel like I have a place right now. I have no desire to move to where CF is moving. I want to move back to family and friends. If I end up not doing some of the things friends and family have done in their personal lives, I want to be close enough to be an actual part of their lives. Participate and live vicariously in real life, instead of just online.
I will keep applying to those jobs and trying to get my first post-doc publication finished and make it through the next couple months trying to be nice and finding reasons to be happy. Christmas music and a balsam-scented candle are doing it for me right now.
4 comments:
Coming out of mainly lurkdom to say that I totally hear you. When you don't follow "the script" (you know the one: go to college, meet someone, get a great job, get married, pop out a couple of kids by 30) it can leave you feeling...out of step. Even when you like everything that's going on in your life. I love my friends with kids, I just feel like I'm on a totally different page. I have no answers, just commiseration.
Hi Ern!!!! Thanks. Commiseration always helps a bit. :-)
Do what makes you truly happy. Life is to short to do anything else...
Hi Ern! It is good to see you again too!
Out of step is a good way to put it. I like the not following "the script" concept too.
You know, there is a lot of discussion/concern about why women "fall out" of academia after they get their PhD, and this is a BIG part of it, I think.
Here is this woman, she has this amazing degree, but isn't married, doesn't have kids, and is looking around at friends who have those things and wondering how she can have them too. She isn't sure she wants to write grants for a living to run her own lab, and she starts looking for alternative career options. There is definitely no easy solution or one-size-fits-all for this path. But I know you'll find one that works for you.
I do encourage you to continue to apply to jobs that allow you to try to live closer to family and friends who have kids, if that is part of what you feel you are missing. As you know, I ended up doing that by moving closer to my sister and nieces and it has REALLY filled a hole in my life. More so than I ever realized.
Continue to think long term, some of this stuff (post-doc, job aps) takes time to come to fruition.
The holidays can be particularly hard; I hear you on that one. Try to do what you can to be with family and friends if you can afford to travel and spend it with them. I know the cultural pressure at work to not take time off from the lab, but my personal opinion is "screw that! I'm taking time off!" You'll be a better colleague for having had that time off, and your lab mates will be happy for you, even if your advisor/boss is not or grumbles about it. ;-)
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