That's it!

I have a couple of posts in draft form, a grant to write, my sister's birthday to follow up on (it's on my list, Aim!), a long weekend with my parents I could post about, a conference tomorrow.

But I heard this song on the radio on my way home. I teared up and had one of those aha! moments.

This is why I hesitate to risk putting myself out there.

Girl can you tell me
the one thing you'd rather die than lose?
'Cause mine would be you.
Mine would be you.

When I heard these final lines in the song, I thought that I have felt that way before, and I don't feel like that was reciprocated. Maybe my actions did not exhibit the emotion behind them enough? I do not really know, but I am not sure that someone has felt this way about me, and I teared up. [To be fair, I bet that my high school boyfriend did feel this way, but given our young age, didn't know how to fight for us and get my 19-year-old-self to grow up.]

When this song came out, the whole thing made me cry. Then, when I stopped being angry and hurt about my last relationship, I would hear it wish that someone felt (or acted) this way for me; it gave me a sense of longing. Now, apparently, it does what I am sure therapy could have done two years ago and gave me a chance to articulate why I shy away from the possibility of another relationship.

Music is cheaper than therapy.

Playlist

I have mentioned plenty now that I have been running. I only ran twice last week, but when I did I ran 4.85 and 4.5 miles, and when I have a decent run, I average 11 minute miles. The half marathon I am slowly training for must be completed in under 3 1/2 hours, which I could probably do if I was walking my fast speed. My goal is to to do it in less than 3, and if I can train to run it at 11 minute miles, I should break 2 1/2 hours. When I put it that way, I actually think I can do it. I ran for almost an hour the other day and felt like I could have pushed myself to keep going, but felt like stopping and going home. (I run on campus at work when it is night time.)

I have slowly been building an eclectic playlist to which I can run. It even includes Jim Croce. I had last thought I needed to try running without music because a couple of my runs were terrible, but I think I have realized it is not the music, but running first thing in the morning that is currently terrible for me. Here is the current line-up, clocking in at 3 hours and 4 minutes of music. A couple are better for fast walking (like Tik Tok), but I just count those as built in breaks when they come on my ipod.

Title                                                                         Artist              

Smooth Criminal	Alien Ant Farm
Little Plastic Castle	Ani DiFranco
Long Way	Antje Duvekot
Show Me How To Live	Audioslave
What You Are	Audioslave
Like A Stone	Audioslave
Roam	The B-52's
You Lie	The Band Perry
Walk away	Ben Harper
Crazy	Britney Spears
The Distance	Cake
Last Name	Carrie Underwood
Before He Cheats	Carrie Underwood
Moonshadow	Cat Stevens
Come on Over	Christina Aguilera
A Thousand Years	Christina Perri
The Scientist	Coldplay
I'll back you up	Dave Matthews
You & Me	Dave Matthews Band
Independent Women Part 1	Destiny's Child
Survivor	Destiny's Child
Hunter	Dido
Passerby	Dispatch
My Immortal	Evanescence
Low (feat. T-Pain)	Flo Rida
Got You (Where I Want You)	The Flys
Name	Goo Goo Dolls
Acoustic #3	Goo Goo Dolls
Boulevard Of Broken Dreams	Green Day
I Won't Give Up	Jason Mraz
Time In a Bottle	Jim Croce
Sky	Joshua Radin
What Goes Around.../...Comes Around Interlude	Justin Timberlake
Tik Tok	Ke$ha
Sweet Thing	Keith Urban
I Try	Macy Gray
Girl Like That	Matchbox Twenty
Its gonna be me	N Sync
Nightingale	Norah Jones
Throw Your Arms Around me	Pearl Jam
Every Rose Has Its Thorn	Poison
Stuck in a Moment You Can't Get Out Of	U2
Leave the Pieces (Album Version)	The Wreckers
Mary	Zac Brown Band
Highway 20 Ride	Zac Brown Band

Greatly loved

I am doing many things that feel like procrastination, but really I am clearing my head so I can focus and get more writing done. (That's my story, and I'm sticking to it.) The good news is that I should get word that my research paper is accepted for publication soon, the bad news is my boss and I are writing a review of our research topic that is due in July. Yesterday friends came over and we did work together, took a ride on my neighbor's boat, did some more work, then they forced me to watch the first two episodes of Downton Abbey. More bad news, because now I have to keep watching! But this was the sunset.

Also just called my Dad and checked that off the list on this Father's Day. Only whenever I talk to my parents, and I make an observation about their choices, they take it personally and get all worked up. Really I just want to hear my Dad sound grateful for the fact that he can collect unemployment instead of thinking the system is messed up, that he shouldn't be able to collect unemployment, and yet he is anyway because he can. And then joking that you wish Obama could be reelected when Obama isn't the one who came up with the idea of unemployment benefits isn't funny either. Really I just want my Mom to ask my Dad to go walking with her so he has the option open all the time instead of assuming he never will. "We'll walk together when we retire." To which I responded, "Why wait until you retire?" I should have added, "What if one of you dies before then? That's lost time."

But back to the idea of being loved that I meant to write about. I find myself becoming emotional in funny situations recently. The interim pastor at my church is a very friendly outgoing person who has lots of stories to tell thanks to his many past interim positions. His first week, at the end of the service, he explained that he always ends services by telling those gathered one specific thing:

Go out into the world knowing this, that you are Greatly loved.

I have teared up both times I have heard him say it. It occurred to me today that while I know my family and friends love me, knowing it is an intellectual thing. Living alone and not being in a relationship or having my own immediate family means that I am not reminded on a daily basis that I am loved. It really is important to tell the people you love that you love them. This is not a plea for y'all to email me or call me, either. :-) There are things that remind me that I am loved. I know my kitty loves me!

[back story] I did get a good smile and hi from VM today. I was already thinking about all the things I had to do when RM asked me if I wanted to feel his shaved head (courtesy of the church school because they reached a goal for their mission project), so it ended up awkward instead of funny. I was asked if I would want to lead a week of Sunday school this summer, so I am checking with VM's SIL to see if she wants to do it with me. Why not? :-) My boss bringing up a going away party for me and making a sad face when she did. Time spent with my friends yesterday who are so funny about becoming parents, and amazed at how much I know without having my own child, and being good enough friends that the mom-to-be shares her long leg hairs with me (long story). AND my aunt just FB messaged me, so that is funny. Nice moments like that are reminders that you are loved, but still not the same as hearing someone tell you what you mean to them.

I also have this strong sense of belonging to everything and being a part of everything that often makes me want to just sit and be. That sounds all very 60s and hippie, but pretty much when I watch the sunsets on the lake I am not thinking of anything and am truly just amazed at how beautiful it is. It is overwhelming (in a positive way, but not in a get-your-work-done kind of way) when you have the time to think of these things. Maybe not as overwhelming as cleaning up puke on your birthday, but still. ;-)

These words get at just this feeling, and I love them. I will often listen to the song on repeat when it comes up in the car.

I know a please a thank you and a smile will take me far,
I know that I am you and you are me and we are one,
I know that who I am is numbered in each grain of sand,
I know that I've been blessed again, and over again.

~ Originally by Keali'i Reichel , Cover by Sweet Honey in the Rock that I have

I learned this song from a mix made by one of my college roommates. Senior year, one of my roommates had the awesome idea that we should all put together mixes, she would burn the CDs, and we would have a mix of music from each of us. (I think we are still missing two???)

Meaning in music

A couple more good ones from some ladies I love.

Cause when I look around
I think this, this is good enough
And I try to laugh
At whatever life brings
Cause when I look down
I just miss all the good stuff
When I look up
I just trip over things
~ Ani

Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead
You know how the time flies
Only yesterday was the time of our lives
~ Adele

Who do you think you are?

And it took so long just to feel alright
Remember how to put back the light in my eyes
I wish I had missed the first time that we kissed
'Cause you broke all your promises
And now you're back
You don't get to get me back

And who do you think you are?
Runnin' 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don't come back for me
Don't come back at all

This is a recent eye-tunes purchase, thanks to it popping up on Pandora and me already knowing all the words and it speaking to me.

Share the moon

I can go one day without calling
Two days without bawling
Three days without missing
But a lifetime of no kissing you
Is something that I just can’t do.

I wish I could be there to share the moon
I got more back for the breaking
More callous for making
A lifetime for the aching
I got no need to run this battery down.
I’m just trying to get the stains out.

I wish I could be there to share the moon.

~ Indigo Girls

In the car

On my way home tonight, I sang along to two favorite songs. This one I love singing along with.

Well that night was long, there was one more song and then we were on our way
Driving slow, no place to go and nothing more to say
And the rain came down around that car like we were underneath the sea
In the back seat, almost drowning, holding on to me

It was almost fine, you were almost mine
And from town to town we chased it down on a broken white line

The beginning of this song gets me every time. For many reasons. And I do not think I have posted it before.

We bid our friends goodbye
We promised we would write them
And headed north up 95
Into the great unknown
We turned up our stereo
And felt so reckless and alive
We didn't know who we would be
We didn't know where we would end up
When we headed down that road
[...]

And it's a long way to Michigan and back
And it's a long way
Cause it's a long way, the clouds upon our backs
And it's a long, long, long, long way

Feelin' the same way

I seriously feel like I am in my last year of grad school all over again. I desperately want to finish the experiments I am working on so I can finish my paper so I can submit it and work on other experiments I want to do [so that other people in lab stop getting to do the experiments I have been talking about...a post for another day].

I spent a month trying to figure out why I could not detect a particular protein after an experiment. Come to find out, I think there was a problem WAY back when I set up the experiment. The problem is, the other post doc thought there might be a problem but had not said anything about it for a month. Awesome.

I need to finish applying to jobs. My grad advisor was quick to respond that she would write letters. Another former committee member has not responded to two emails about it. My former boss from when I was a tech is traveling and responded that she will get back this weekend and would like to talk about the letters. I immediately had a tightening in my chest and had to take deep breaths. The only *problem* I can anticipate is that another former member of that lab is applying for some of the same jobs. She and I have emailed about jobs and I emailed her this week that I was applying to them. Although she had previously emailed about them, I already knew of these jobs so as far as I am concerned there is no reason why I should not apply. She is likely a more competitive applicant anyway. Now I am worried that the boss lady will not feel comfortable writing letters for both of us to the same jobs. We will see.

I then work to convince myself that I am competitive enough, even without all the magic pieces applicants for tenure-track positions might possibly have. I try not to give in to the notorious Imposter Syndrome.

Earlier in the week I actually went for a run hoping that it would help me deal with stress (of course ongoing exercise is what would more likely help). Tonight I am going for the yoga. If that does not work, I will have to drink...after those job applications are ready.

I'm a fan

Listen if you have not heard it before.

Sunny days

Sweepin' the clouds away
On my way to where the air is clear
Can you tell me how to get, how to get...

Okay, really I just wanted to share that I really have enjoyed my sun flowers this summer, which made me think of sunny days and then Sesame Street apparently. I get excited when a new blossom starts opening up. The ones in front of my house are starting now, and the ones in the back are going by.

I think it is cool how the florets, as they are apparently called, open starting from the outside and work their way in to the middle of the bloom.

Can you see the nectar?

Pollen!

Steady

And when the barn roof sagged after an icy bout
It's like how you got when you knew the truth was the only way out
But not the only way
...
Well you know the way I left was not the way I planned
But I thought the world needed love and a steady hand
So I'm steady now

I love this woman.

I wrote two letters at the end of college. And gave them to the people for whom they were intended. One person told me a few years later that it took a lot of guts to do that. The other person and I never spoke of it.

Fun times

I am ready for some regular old weeks and weekends after having toooo much fun the past month?! With only a couple of weeks between my vacation and a mini-vaca this past weekend, there's been lots going on!

We were heading out to Portland, OR for my brother's wedding. He and his former girlfriend-turned-fiancee-turned-wife really are married now too. It is FB-official.

Even though our weekend was cut short, it was still a lot of fun. It was as great of a wedding as they get! I loved meeting all the other wonderful people in my new sister-in-law's life. She and my brother have surrounded themselves with funny, loving, nice, fun people. They had a ceremony that was perfect for them.

I will start at the beginning though. This is how CF and I started our trip. For the record, it was 11:30 a.m. our time, which is basically lunch time for me. We were at the airport bar during our layover, and really I took the picture because of the glass of dum-dums in the back. The oatmeal stout I had on the left was pretty darn good too.

We met up with a grad school friend, her hubby, and their almost-2-year-old at the zoo and then headed to the Rose Gardens in PDX. I have been to the rose garden before, so I did not take many photos. You cannot not take a photo though, so here is one from this trip.

At the wedding, we had home-made flowers for our dresses.

Succulents for the bouquets.

CF and I then met up with the grad school friend and her family for a hike and picnic at Mt. Hood and Mirror Lake. I think I have posted photos of Mt. Hood before too, but you can never have too many.

You could also see Mt. St. Helens, Mt. Rainier, Mt. Adams, and Mt. Jefferson from where we were, but my photos are only good enough to document that fact and not necessarily to share.

Oh. CF and I went to see these guys a while back too. They were AWESOME!

See the world in green and blue
See China right in front of you
See the canyons broken by cloud
See the tuna fleets clearing the sea out
See the bedouin fires at night
See the oil fields at first light
See the bird with a leaf in her mouth
After the flood all the colours came out
It was a beautiful day
A beautiful day
Don't let it get away

Today I spent doing laundry, running errands, and reading a manuscript that CF has to send to his advisor. I suppose I should do a bit of my own work before I head to bed!

Back to life

After about 10 days away from lab, I have spent about 32 hours there so far this week. Why bother with vacations, really? Just today, my-favorite-grad-student-who-needs-a-blog-name and I were discussing how you are not compensated monetarily for your effort in academia. And if you think you can get by happily on tenure alone, more power to you. Anyway.

I was going to make some long post with photos and stories, but that will have to wait until perhaps tomorrow night when I am making CF's birthday cake for his postponed party. For now, I think I should leave you with that amazing song and hit the sac.

Meaning

Today, I started thinking about songs that do mean something to me and thought maybe I would share a few of those.

** And as you move on, remember me,
Remember us and all we used to be
I've seen you cry, I've seen you smile.
I've watched you sleeping for a while.
I'd be the father of your child.
I'd spend a lifetime with you.

** I never took heavy words for granted,
And I never took the undeserved advantage,
No I never took the easy way,
So why don't you take it a little easy on me now.

** I am watching your chest rise and fall
like the tides of my life,
and the rest of it all
and your bones have been my bedframe
and your flesh has been my pillow
I am waiting for sleep
to offer up the deep
with both hands

** I'll be falling all about my own thing
And I know your the heaviest weight
When your not here that's hung around my head
And your lips burn wild
Thrown from the face of a child
And in your eyes
The seeing of the greatest few
Do what you will, always
Walk where you like, your step,
Do as you please,
I'll back you up

Sing along

“When people hear good music, it makes them homesick for something they never had, and never will have.”
~Edgar Watson Howe

When I was younger, I was not nearly as easily moved as I am now. For example, I can easily get teary when I hear songs that do not actually apply to my life, because I think about how I would feel if they did. Way back when, the only song I remember getting teary to was 'Butterfly kisses', which my sister had for her Father-Daughter dance at her wedding. Now though, there are a whole slew of songs that can make me get teary. Some that I have posted before certainly work, but take the following lyrics for (additional) example(s) (some maybe need to be in the context of the whole song, but you get the point):

** Phone rang early one morning
Her momma's voice, she'd been crying
Said it's your daddy, you need to come home
This is it, I think he's dying
She laid the phone down by his head
The last words that he said
Cowgirl don't cry

** Why don't you stay
I'm up off my knees
I'm so tired of being lonely
You can't give me what I need

** Hope you let your intuition
Precede my reputation
'Cause I have one
Well I am what you see
I am not what they say
But if I turned out to be
Could you love me anyway

** Now vicariously I have her in me
I want to peel off my skin
let the water wash in
You always said that I was hiding
That I was hiding from you
But you are capable of things I could not do

And this one I was singing, loudly, on my drive home tonight. It certainly did not make me teary. :-)

I dug my key into the side of his
Pretty little souped up 4 wheel drive,
Carved my name into his leather seats
I took a Louisville slugger to both headlights,
Slashed a hole in all 4 tires
Maybe next time he'll think before he cheats.

Prettier

I always thought that this was a song I did not like, unless I happened to tune in when it was on the refrain. I recently realized the beginning of the song...

Well I’ve been saved by the grace of Southern charm
I got a mouth like a sailor and yours is more like a Hallmark card

...and the refrain...

So let’s shake hands and reach across those party lines
You’ve got your friends just like I’ve got mine
We might think a little differently
But we got a lot in common you will see
We’re just like you
Only prettier

...were one and the same. It makes me laugh. Mostly because I find politicians and politics rather childish really. When did people forget how to compromise and stop looking out for one another and stop doing what they felt was the right thing instead of what would get them ahead?

Who dat?

These song lyrics illustrate nicely one of my writing pet peeves. Is it obvious to you?

Song #1

Consider me a memory.
Consider me the past.
Consider me a smile in an old photograph, someone who used to make you laugh.

Song #2

And a part of you might hate me
But son, please don’t mistake me
For a man that didn’t care at all

Singeable

I asked one of the rotating grad students yesterday what kind of music she listens too because she was raving about this song and played it for me. She said a little of everything and reciprocated the question. Well, in high school I mostly listened to the alternative radio station; slowly over the years through college I started adding more folk-like music in; a couple of years ago I started listening to country. And through it all a healthy mix of popular music in there too. Really I gravitate towards mix radio stations. What it comes down to, though, is that I like music with which I can sing along. A couple of days ago I heard this song for the first time and have been listening to it online all morning. Guess that means I should just buy it.

Forever...or not

I love when Pandora reminds me about I song I love...or two.


Don't listen to this one out loud at the office - there are some profanities.

Giver-taker-backer

Yeah, I'm sure that you've heard those three words from lovers and they fell flat,
But this ring ain't something I need to give you and then take back,
I'm a little more country than that

I decided today that science is a giver-taker-backer and I like the above song. I heard that name on some sitcom a bazillion years ago and it stuck with me for a reason. This post is also going to be a mix of a post I keep composing in my head titled something like, "Validation". Also, sometimes I think science mixes up the order of giving and taking back just keep you on your toes. Here is a nice mix of science doing just that.

My PhD advisor's method of mentoring did not do well for me. My new advisor will make comments like, "Things seem to be going well," "You'll have those results by the conference," "That's exactly what you should do," and "Yes, that would be interesting to know." I appreciate feeling like I am doing something right.

I started getting results at lab. I have some pictures from the microscope that I think are beautiful, but nothing that provides an answer.

My PhD advisor was a stickler (sorta) when it came to the timing of publishing and defending. Within this week though, I finished proofing the [in press] version of one manuscript and the last small paper was accepted with minor revisions. All that disagreement over how defending and publishing would go with her, and it ends well.

Sometimes I think science just pushes you down until you are ready to quit and then gives you something good to keep you going. Science should be more country than that.