The calm before the storm

I am trying to get back on a schedule that includes going to the gym. With few people at work, I do not feel the pressure to be there by 8:00 (plus, there is plenty of parking any time of day!), so I eased myself back into my gym going by getting there at 7:30 instead of the usual 6:30. This morning I got there early for the last hatha yoga class that the instructor I love will be teaching Wednesday mornings. She is moving and apparently does not want to get up super early to teach the class. Whatever. ;-) No one else came this morning I had a private yoga class this morning, which was a nice way to end the year of Wednesday morning yoga with her!

Anyway. The whole reason I was posting is because I am afraid. This week was QUIET at the gym. Look out though, because New Year's resolutions start tomorrow. I will have to start getting there at 6:15 just to get a machine.

Happy New Year! Hope you all have a great night whether it is crazy or calm, and whether you are up until day break or in bed by 9:00.

Late to my own interview

So, I have been really bad about blogging in general, both posting and consistently reading and commenting on other blogs. I saw this interview meme over at Spark's and thought, "Gosh. THAT would get me to post." I asked Spark to interview me and then never posted. Oiy. Here it is though, Spark's questions and my answers.

Question 1#

What's the most spectacular story you've ever heard about something that happened in the lab where you do your research?

Research-wise? My friend recently found her protein of interest! Sounds scary, huh? But really, she "had to" find this, according to our esteemed advisor, in order to graduate. So YAYAYAY!

Question #2

What are you most looking forward to in the New Year?

Hmmm...I am looking forward to starting something new. Hopefully I will finish up this whole PhD thing this summer and start a new job...closer to Cheerios Farmer (CF...I would stop explaining who he is, except I post so infrequently that I am afraid people will forget) if I am lucky. I think the new year is going to FLY by.

Question #3

What's your least favourite part of the holiday season?

Spark, did you mean 'favorite'? Just kidding. Really, it is being with family. Christmas morning is HUGE in our house. Our stockings are filled to ridiculousness and there are piles under them. Never mind all of the presents under the tree. The fun of it all is being together for all of the excitement, though, and relaxing and eating and hanging out all day together. Sadly, because of the snow in the Pacific Northwest, my brother did not make out East despite the fact that the flight he had a ticket for took off. LUCKILY, he and his girlfriend are coming in a couple of weeks (his Christmas present to her), so I will still get to hang out with him soon. I also love the holiday music, snow when it comes, and those who seem to be in a good mood just because.

Question #4

Do you have any New Years' resolutions for 2009?

Nope. Maybe it should be to get a job? :-) Closer to CF?

Question #5

If you could pick any gift for yourself for Christmas, regardless of the cost, what would it be? (Condition: it has to be a gift that someone could actually go and get for you, not an intangible like "world peace").

I am going to go with a trip to South America and Antarctica. I saw the National Geographic organized trips edition of their magazine. I think the one to S. America and Antarctica ran about $15,000. I will be happy to get you my address, social security number and sign away my first born child (okay, maybe my second so I can keep this first) if you are willing to buy this for me.

According to the rules I must link back to the post I got this from.

If you want to be interviewed....
1. Leave me a comment saying, “Interview me.” (And your e-mail address, please.)
2. I will respond by emailing you five questions. I get to pick the questions.
3. You will update your blog with the answers to the questions.
4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

The holiday season

With the start of Chanukah, I thought it would be appropriate to share this song:

Now excuse me if I'm not being reverent
But I was hoping for a miracle
to hold me, wash me
Save me from my righteous
doubt as I watch helpless
And everybody sings
If it's Chanukah or Kwanza
Solstice, harvest or December twenty-fifth
Peace on earth to everyone
And abundance to everyone you're with

The randomness

I am home alone and not being distracted. My kitty is staying with a friend for the next week so that I do not have to worry about her while I am at my parents' house!

I could be wrapping, cleaning or doing work. Instead I am posting.

What have I been up to lately? Trying to cram a semester's worth of experiments into two weeks while our first big snowstorm dumps a foot of snow, and now rain, on us. Good times. I started a new experiment, twice; I repeated two different experiments and scored them (although one was crappy so I will have to do it again); I FINALLY finished all of my holiday shopping (today); I sent out some Christmas cards; I had a meeting with my advisor*; I cleaned the lab (as I tend to do every four to six months when it gets filthy); I did other peoples' lab jobs; I reported a steam leak in the wall of the lab three days in a row (if we are lucky, facilities will open the wall and find asbestos tomorrow!!!).

I have not started my presentation for a conference right after the new year; I have not emailed an updated budget for a fellowship I got for lab supplies within the school; I have not wrapped all of the presents; I have not cleaned; I have not done laundry; I have not looked up scientists who may be at the meeting, namely one with whom I would LOVE to do a post-doc; I have not returned my friend's phone call from earlier today because my phone is charging; I have not eaten dinner and I am starving.

Off to cook dinner...call, clean, work...

Ashamed to say

We got our first big snow storm Friday through today. I shoveled my car out Saturday to get the majority of the snow removed and then walked to work. This morning, I had to shovel a bit more, moved my car and REALLY cleaned it out.

Then, I put a garbage can where I had parked and shoveled to save my spot.

This is my sixth winter with a car here, and I have never done that before. Parking seems like a hot commodity on my road though, and I can not 'afford' to lose it, not having a driveway and all this year.

If all the older members of my street are entitled to their parking spot, then so am I!

Christmas ornaments

We always had a "family" Christmas tree growing up. As pretty as color coordinated trees are, I still have a preference for colored lights, the mylar silver tinsel, handmade ornaments and ornaments from various trips. As I have traveled, I have followed my parents' example and brought home ornaments and others have given me ornaments too. Here are some from my tree:

This Santa is made from ash from Mt. St. Helens. This one is from the last trip to Disney World.
This wooden one is from a set of angels my old roommate brought back from Germany for me.
This is one my grandmother had given me that had been my great-grandmother's. You can't really tell, but the yarn it is tied to even looks old.
I got this Ortiz ornament as a gift...
...and this New England Patriot's football snowman too.
This tin boot is from a tinsmith at old San Diego.
This blue and white one is one of a few my brother brought back from the Netherlands for me. The red one in the back has a piece of tinsel-garland in it and was also one of my great-grandmother's. The twisted metal thing in front of the red ornament is "victorian tinsel". Much less messy than the mylar stuff and you can reuse it! I think my Mom got it from the Vermont Country Store if you are interested.
This is my newest edition. One of the grad students in my lab loves giving Christmas presents, and she made personalized ones this year. The little quote at the bottom is because she will bring in two McD's hashbrowns, and I will pretend to resist the offer. I always end up eating it.
Do you have any favorite decorations for the holiday(s) you celebrate this time of year?

Finding humor in it all

I wore this t-shirt today. It was a freebie from Promega. My friend went online to get one and their website said that due to the high demand, they were no longer offering PhD shirts. Um, hello? It's hilarious! Did they think there would be a low demand for the free shirt from grad students? I even got to pick my size so it fits!

Holiday funny

I had to share.

Some fun stuff

Lest anyone think I have taken any drastic measures since the last post, I have not. I have been pleasantly distracted by a visit from CF. We did some fun stuff at a relaxing pace over the weekend. I went to see the Glass Flowers which I had never done before. They were originally made so that a botany professor could have three-dimensional models of plants and flowers for teaching. These are amazing, as they are life-like and many samples include blown-up versions of the flower parts like this one:
And some other pretty flowers, all made of glass:
This iris is a great example of the fine leaves they would make. Notice the little white stands supporting the thin leaves?And glass sea animals:
These are both sea cucumbers. There were models of others, but I like the more colorful models.

Where to start with grad school?

The past two days I have become so angry at one point that I have shaken uncontrollably. That is not right. The eye twitching the other day was actually a physical reaction to thinking about a particular situation. Tonight, as I was leaving, I could feel that tightening in my head that precedes a headache. Not good.

My friend was so upset yesterday that I almost started crying because I truly do not know how to help her (luckily she has found support on campus). Today, she was medicated so that she would not break down throughout the day periodically. That is not right.

I try to motivate myself to do work for me, but that is very difficult. Sadly, as I walked to my car today, I realized I no longer find any reward in accomplishing something in lab. That almost made me cry too. How can I be motivated to do something from which I get no satisfaction knowing there is not a definitive end in sight? How can I be motivated when I do not feel as though I have anything more to learn from graduate school, merely motions that must be completed to receive my degree before I get to go somewhere else and start learning again?

I have not scheduled a committee meeting, even though my advisor told me to, because I am afraid to meet with them. I do not know what they will say. The system so far is to tell a student they are doing great and then all of a sudden, tell them they are a mere fraction of a graduate student and do not work hard enough. What ever happened to providing feedback when that is what is expected from committee meetings along the way? Believe me, after committee meetings I have gone to my advisor asking what feedback she got. "Oh, you're doing fine. We really did not talk about you, we just chatted." Really?

I have recently often wondered what leads people to lie. Why lie about whether you placed an order on a particular day or not? What is the harm in saying, "Sorry, I completely forgot. I'll write myself a note and do it today," or "Whoops. I'll go take care of that," or "Shoot me an email so I remember." Why lie?

If you are in charge of a group of people and someone does something you do not think is appropriate for a situation, why would you go to your boss and have your boss tell the person without first finding out why the person did it yourself?

If you are being accused of doing something, and that accusation may affect someone else, why would you stop speaking to that person?

Why would you also pretend that everything is okay to other people? I am not a big fan of double standards when it comes to treating people fairly.

So, all of this is vague and not all examples that are mine personally, but some are things that happen around me about which people speak openly. Here is the catch. I am in an office with 11 other grad students. We are all friends. You vent to your friends. You vent to get things off your chest so you can let things go and go about your daily business. The problem is when faculty overhear this and gossip about it as if we are always complaining. They say you do not know the whole picture, are being unreasonable, or unprofessional.

I am trying to come up with ways to be productive while I am at school. One is moving my desk to a different office when one of the defending grad students leaves. I need to be able to separate what I should be doing at my desk and lab more. I am also debating talking to one of my committee members who is another friend's advisor. He intimidates me because I respect him and know he is forthcoming and would rather hear someone tell me to step it up, then hear rumors of someone implying that I am not working to someone else (follow that?). I do not think he lies. I also wonder if I can really go to him without telling my advisor I am doing so. Can I tell her I am going to ask different people about advice to get new perspectives? I know faculty talk allll about us and even when things are "confidential", they are not really confidential. Any meeting not with my advisor will surely get back to her. Should I go to former bosses who would likely not talk to people who would talk in such groups for it to get back to my advisor?

I know grad school is not supposed to be easy and life is not fair and sometimes you have to do things you do not want to. Blah, blah, blah. I am not naive. I never thought graduate school would be easy. I thought graduate school would be intellectually challenging. I did not realize how emotionally and personally challenging it would be.

Uh oh.

My eye is twitching and I am not sure it is going to stop until I defend and graduate.

Being in lab/grad school is THAT good.

Reminders to be thankful.

I have many things to be thankful for, but I will start with a few reminders to be thankful from the past few days.

The saddest of which is the loss of a friend from college. She and I were no longer in touch, really, but we go back to freshman year. I called one friend who was not on the email to let him know and we were reminiscing about her and how hilarious she was. She will be missed.

My brother's girlfriend's mom had a heart attack the day after Thanksgiving. She has a stint and is recovering, but this is a healthy woman who eats well, exercises, and should not be having heart attacks!

Almost two years ago, I had my thyroid out because of an inconclusive biopsy. I have been happy to be able to tell my story and what the whole process was like to a few people. Right now, Victoria Winters is dealing with a similar situation. Stop by to offer a hello and support!

So like I said, there are numerous things for which I am thankful, some of which are:
I have wonderful and fun memories of an old friend who is no longer here.
I have wonderful friends who are and who are very dear to me.
My brother's girlfriend's mom is recovering.
Victoria Winters has a beautiful little girl, wonderful husband, and lots of other family and friends to help her get through her thyroid diagnosis and treatment.
My immediate family was all together for a second Thanksgiving meal and some Christmas tree fun over the weekend (pictures to come).
I have a great apartment, kitty, and Christmas tree...wonderful friends...
I am close to finishing grad school. (Close is all relative - I am certainly much closer than when I started...I also liked grad school more when I started than I do now...)
Travel opportunities I have had and the friends I have made along the way.
Lots of little things - the smell of Christmas tree in my apartment, the glass of wine I am finishing, my new computer I am using, the things that hang on my walls and remind me of things I have done...

I start feeling silly when I go to try to list everything I can think of, but really, I am thankful for most everything.

Hope everyone had a memorable and thankful moment over the weekend.