The past two days I have become so angry at one point that I have shaken uncontrollably. That is not right. The eye twitching the other day was actually a physical reaction to thinking about a particular situation. Tonight, as I was leaving, I could feel that tightening in my head that precedes a headache. Not good.
My friend was so upset yesterday that I almost started crying because I truly do not know how to help her (luckily she has found support on campus). Today, she was medicated so that she would not break down throughout the day periodically. That is not right.
I try to motivate myself to do work for me, but that is very difficult. Sadly, as I walked to my car today, I realized I no longer find any reward in accomplishing something in lab. That almost made me cry too. How can I be motivated to do something from which I get no satisfaction knowing there is not a definitive end in sight? How can I be motivated when I do not feel as though I have anything more to learn from graduate school, merely motions that must be completed to receive my degree before I get to go somewhere else and start learning again?
I have not scheduled a committee meeting, even though my advisor told me to, because I am afraid to meet with them. I do not know what they will say. The system so far is to tell a student they are doing great and then all of a sudden, tell them they are a mere fraction of a graduate student and do not work hard enough. What ever happened to providing feedback when that is what is expected from committee meetings along the way? Believe me, after committee meetings I have gone to my advisor asking what feedback she got. "Oh, you're doing fine. We really did not talk about you, we just chatted." Really?
I have recently often wondered what leads people to lie. Why lie about whether you placed an order on a particular day or not? What is the harm in saying, "Sorry, I completely forgot. I'll write myself a note and do it today," or "Whoops. I'll go take care of that," or "Shoot me an email so I remember." Why lie?
If you are in charge of a group of people and someone does something you do not think is appropriate for a situation, why would you go to your boss and have your boss tell the person without first finding out why the person did it yourself?
If you are being accused of doing something, and that accusation may affect someone else, why would you stop speaking to that person?
Why would you also pretend that everything is okay to other people? I am not a big fan of double standards when it comes to treating people fairly.
So, all of this is vague and not all examples that are mine personally, but some are things that happen around me about which people speak openly. Here is the catch. I am in an office with 11 other grad students. We are all friends. You vent to your friends. You vent to get things off your chest so you can let things go and go about your daily business. The problem is when faculty overhear this and gossip about it as if we are always complaining. They say you do not know the whole picture, are being unreasonable, or unprofessional.
I am trying to come up with ways to be productive while I am at school. One is moving my desk to a different office when one of the defending grad students leaves. I need to be able to separate what I should be doing at my desk and lab more. I am also debating talking to one of my committee members who is another friend's advisor. He intimidates me because I respect him and know he is forthcoming and would rather hear someone tell me to step it up, then hear rumors of someone implying that I am not working to someone else (follow that?). I do not think he lies. I also wonder if I can really go to him without telling my advisor I am doing so. Can I tell her I am going to ask different people about advice to get new perspectives? I know faculty talk allll about us and even when things are "confidential", they are not really confidential. Any meeting not with my advisor will surely get back to her. Should I go to former bosses who would likely not talk to people who would talk in such groups for it to get back to my advisor?
I know grad school is not supposed to be easy and life is not fair and sometimes you have to do things you do not want to. Blah, blah, blah. I am not naive. I never thought graduate school would be easy. I thought graduate school would be intellectually challenging. I did not realize how emotionally and personally challenging it would be.
10 comments:
Oy! That sounds like a really toxic environment. I'm sorry you're feeling so angry and unmotivated right now.
For your committee, are you afraid they'll spring something on you at your next meeting that you aren't anticipating?
Maybe it's because I'm not there, but I can't see how going to talk to the other committee member could be bad. I wouldn't make a big deal about it--and if your advisor confronts you, you can ask her if there is something wrong with what you did.
If you can't use personal or intellectual satisfaction as motivation, how about anger and spite? Can you motivate yourself to succeed despite the incompetence and emotional immaturity that surrounds you? Because you're so much better than the drama you describe....
Never stop venting. It's a very important way to keep small threads of sanity in tact. Sorry you're having such a rough go of it right now. Every grad student lacks motivation and encounters frustrating circumstances in the lab, but sounds like yours are pretty tough right now. Remember three things: (1) though you may be seeing a huge mountain left to climb, you've already done so much of the leg work, you really are almost there; (2) if you end up truly, truly miserable, you can always leave - don't see it as a failure; you know (regardless of what happens) at this point that you are fully capable of completing a phd; (3) your friends are always around for encouragement and to listen to you vent - if you want motivation, think of getting to give us your business card that says Jenski, PhD! :) Hang in there! There is an end!
Yes. you. can.
Because you're better than them.
Hugs.
Molly, toxic is about the right word. :) My committee probably won't say anything and that makes it that much worse because I know I should have more to show for the past 6 months than I do!
Carolyn, we do try to keep the office door shut now for the venting at least.
KHC, thanks for the hugs.
I so hear you. And on those rare occasions when things are going well for you, there's always someone else you care about getting screwed by their committee.
I just wonder how faculty can forget so quickly what it's like to be a grad student. Do they not remember? Did they not have jerks on their committees too? Did they not vent to their friends?
Instead we just get, "Well when I was at [insert ivy league school], I was at the lab 23 hours a day. I ate at the lab, I slept at the lab, I just went home to shower."
Whatever dude.
That sucks. Too bad you have to deal with such immature behaviour. Of course it happens in the workplace too, but I'd say it's easier to leave one job for another. Once you have committed to years of grad school, you're pretty much stuck. Good luck! Maybe Zen meditation is in order? Or kickboxing to get your stress out? ;-)
Wow, grad school sounds like one big head-game that the faculty is playing. I'm sorry for you.
When you do graduate with your PhD, and I'm thinking you will, you might look back and wonder how you ever did it. But it will be done and behind you. Hang in there.
People are people whether an average Joe or on a committee so they have the same vices and can be as big an idiot as anyone else. Trust me an education does not guarantee that someone is not an idiot and vice versa. I think talking to another committee member seems like a good step to get a different perspective and should be easily explained as just that. {{HUGS}} You can do it!!
Sorry I'm so late. It seemed like when I read this, I didn't know what to say. And then when I did have some comment to make, Blogger was down.
So, here I am, weighing in with my 2 cents. It is good that you are venting. You definitely need to. However, venting with the door closed is definitely required. Your department's opinion of you is just as important as your advisor's when it comes to getting letters of recommendation. Don't lose sight of that.
Go to another committee member. I always got the advice - from my own advisor, no less - to choose people on my committee that I could complain to about her, because I would need that outlet. I never did - because by the time I was frustrated, I was too far away to complain. However, I think faculty expect it.
And have the committee meeting. Even if you don't have much to show for the last chunk of time, they seem to get pissy if they aren't in the loop. And you never know, sometimes they say "well, since this thing isn't working, why don't you cut your losses and not include it in your thesis". Then, it is up to you and not your advisor if you do it or not.
Thanks, all, for the support, ideas and comradery. Now that I am a week separated from those really bad couple of days, I think I can sit down and have a (somewhat) frank discussion with my advisor about me having difficulty being productive (and obviously leaving the her stuff out). We'll see how it goes.
I will be meeting with hopefully at least one of my committee members and maybe giving them an update, if not having a meeting.
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