Snow day!

There is not a flake of snow in the sky or on the ground, but any minute now it's supposed to start and deliver 5 to 8 inches. There is a giant spot of blue snow heading this way on the weather map, and classes have not started yet, so my college shut down. I am under the impression that having classes in session would not have stopped the college from closing, which is a little crazy because it is not a commuter college, but whatever. When we last talked about snow days at work, I asked if I could choose to hold class even if the campus is closed because I am fine with driving carefully to work. I did not get a straight answer, except that once for intro they had an optional lab on a Sunday afternoon to try to keep students caught up with the material. Not all students showed up, but those who did benefited (obviously). I may re-ask this question if the winter continues to provide me with regular snow storms.

So far this morning I have gotten "dressed" (it is always great to work in sweats and fluffy socks), cleaned the cat pan, given the cat extra attention, taken out the trash and recycling, had some coffee, set up work space on my dining table, checked FB obsessively, and now wrote a random blog post. Now to motivate to do some work. My reward is a walk to Dunkin' Donuts later if I get a lecture done.

Speaking of cats. It is amazing how starving mine seems to be when I am home for a day. The incessant meowing and begging.

UPDATE: It started snowing right on time at ~9:00. Who's excited??????

On being lonely

I have thought about this post for a long time, and apparently had pasted this link about loneliness and sickness into it at one point without writing anything else. In case you did not know, real loneliness is bad for your health. Although rereading the article is very interesting, it is not really the point I initially aimed to make, which is...

The realization that I have come to over the past year and a half that life in general is an isolating experience. Regardless of your experiences. Period.

In my own life, I finally (took out a student loan and) got my own apartment to finish up my PhD. People said how lucky I was to have my own place (true), but I got my kitty soon after unpacking for some company. I might say that people are lucky because they have found their life partner, and maybe have even started a family (true), but that comes with challenges and a dearth of 'me time' as well.

On one hand, I LOVE spending time with friends and family. My friends once joked that I am the 'glue' that often held us together. I will avoid a leadership position in hopes that someone else will do it, often to find myself annoyed with a lack of leaders and taking the helm and being successful at it. I am definitely an introvert. I LOVE being home alone so I can relax and rejuvenate. When my cat wants too much attention, I get annoyed. When I am lonely, I want to pet her and then she bites me. The funny thing is that my mother always said I was her cat what I was a kid: if she wanted to snuggle but I did not, I would not sit still and would have nothing of it. On the other hand, if I wanted to snuggle, she couldn't keep me out of her lap.

I could probably call out any of you readers and name a time I knew or can probably accurately guess that you were lonely, regardless of whether someone would look in on your life and guess that. We seek out others with similar experiences, and the internet makes this easier, and we become dear friends with people we never would have met otherwise. I always wonder if anyone can truly feel how you do, even if it seems their life journey is so eerily similar. Which is why I think compassion and empathy are critically important in general, and what makes a real friendship when two people have different paths in life.

Today, I was reminded of my singleness, and later in the day this reminded me of my periods of loneliness. I met with a financial advisor/accountant again and brought records of my limited finances. He commented on the fact that I am lucky my employer matches my retirement fund contributions at a slightly higher percentage than my required contributions. I joked that there has to be some benefit to the meager faculty salary! He filled out his profile form, confirming I am single. Then later in the form, asked to confirm that there was no partner in the periphery or hiding somewhere. Meaning what? That is right. I am doing it alone. I would like to buy a house in a couple of years. It is what it is. Tell me what to do with my money, dude, so I yet again prove I can do life by myself.

In other news of not being alone, when my cat was super sick a week and a half ago, and the vet suggested she was a few years older than I thought, I was already making plans to go adopt ASAP if she did not make it. I felt guilty for leaving her to go to church that Sunday, and probably prayed for something for myself for the first time in a very long time. I am also not going to lie that I am not much of a pray-er. But given her age and the fact that I do appreciate her company, I asked that when she gets sick or is actually going to die, that it is obvious to me/the vet and she does not suffer. She was better in a few days (with one more really bad day of horrible balance and no eating), and is back to normal for now! She even tried to bite me today.

I have also discovered that men resort to text conversations these days. I guess that is less intimidating than calling someone? I need to get myself a better text plan, though, if I plan to keep up this dating thing!

Right under my nose?

I spent time today with a friend I had not seen in years. We would email maybe once a year or so, but had not really kept in touch that well. She got married last spring and lives within an hour of me, so it was great to see her, meet her man, and hang out. We talked of relationships, as people will do. She was asking me about what happened with CF, who she didn't know much about, if you need an indication of how frequently we talked. She laughed that at least I was not dating the ex-ex.

She and her hubby have known each other for 10 years but only started dating a couple of years ago. They spent a lot of time "not liking" the other, before they found themselves at an event, she mentioned some other guy, and her now husband started making his move. So we were joking about maybe there is someone right. under. my. nose. A guy who has been there all along; who I am missing.

I cannot think of that guy though. Over the years, through grad school and my post doc, I have had some serious, but fleeting, crushes on various guy friends. A couple of whom if they ended up in my current city, well, look out boys. A friend from college and I have a fair amount in common, but I have sadly never had a crush on him (although I did promise to run a half marathon with him next November in Disney if he decides to do it again, and he's not the type to let me get out of it...who's in???). And just this week, because several people are leaving my church where RF is, I told him that I suppose he has to leave next, and he should move to my city! (We have an ongoing "competition" to see who can get more friends to move to their locale. I figure getting him to move here is the ultimate win. He did not go for it.)

The dude from the online dating thing and I have been out twice now. As with previous online dating experiences, I do not really need to make new friends with random people, that is what my job, possibly a new church I have been visiting, and maybe even my alumni club here, are for. I definitely have stronger feelings towards guys with whom I have been friends first, but I do not think I find him attractive enough to get to know him better to see if his attractiveness grows on me. Make sense?

I also hung out with someone who used to work at the same company as my BIL. I call it a non-date, because it was under the premise that we are both new to this place (although he went to college here), and are happy to meet new people. Non-dates are funny when it is with only two people who are attracted to the gender of the other person though. One beer turned into two, turned into bar trivia and hanging out for nearly 3 hours. We are hanging out again this week. He seems more like the kind of guy who would totally grow on me; I am much more comfortable hanging out with someone with whom I share a common person; and as I am sure Rapunzel would agree, pre-screened friends are always better. So yay for another non-date with BIL guy?

Also my cat is sick. Boo. She is perking up a bit, so I think the antibiotics and appetite stimulants are helping...

Greatly loved

I am doing many things that feel like procrastination, but really I am clearing my head so I can focus and get more writing done. (That's my story, and I'm sticking to it.) The good news is that I should get word that my research paper is accepted for publication soon, the bad news is my boss and I are writing a review of our research topic that is due in July. Yesterday friends came over and we did work together, took a ride on my neighbor's boat, did some more work, then they forced me to watch the first two episodes of Downton Abbey. More bad news, because now I have to keep watching! But this was the sunset.

Also just called my Dad and checked that off the list on this Father's Day. Only whenever I talk to my parents, and I make an observation about their choices, they take it personally and get all worked up. Really I just want to hear my Dad sound grateful for the fact that he can collect unemployment instead of thinking the system is messed up, that he shouldn't be able to collect unemployment, and yet he is anyway because he can. And then joking that you wish Obama could be reelected when Obama isn't the one who came up with the idea of unemployment benefits isn't funny either. Really I just want my Mom to ask my Dad to go walking with her so he has the option open all the time instead of assuming he never will. "We'll walk together when we retire." To which I responded, "Why wait until you retire?" I should have added, "What if one of you dies before then? That's lost time."

But back to the idea of being loved that I meant to write about. I find myself becoming emotional in funny situations recently. The interim pastor at my church is a very friendly outgoing person who has lots of stories to tell thanks to his many past interim positions. His first week, at the end of the service, he explained that he always ends services by telling those gathered one specific thing:

Go out into the world knowing this, that you are Greatly loved.

I have teared up both times I have heard him say it. It occurred to me today that while I know my family and friends love me, knowing it is an intellectual thing. Living alone and not being in a relationship or having my own immediate family means that I am not reminded on a daily basis that I am loved. It really is important to tell the people you love that you love them. This is not a plea for y'all to email me or call me, either. :-) There are things that remind me that I am loved. I know my kitty loves me!

[back story] I did get a good smile and hi from VM today. I was already thinking about all the things I had to do when RM asked me if I wanted to feel his shaved head (courtesy of the church school because they reached a goal for their mission project), so it ended up awkward instead of funny. I was asked if I would want to lead a week of Sunday school this summer, so I am checking with VM's SIL to see if she wants to do it with me. Why not? :-) My boss bringing up a going away party for me and making a sad face when she did. Time spent with my friends yesterday who are so funny about becoming parents, and amazed at how much I know without having my own child, and being good enough friends that the mom-to-be shares her long leg hairs with me (long story). AND my aunt just FB messaged me, so that is funny. Nice moments like that are reminders that you are loved, but still not the same as hearing someone tell you what you mean to them.

I also have this strong sense of belonging to everything and being a part of everything that often makes me want to just sit and be. That sounds all very 60s and hippie, but pretty much when I watch the sunsets on the lake I am not thinking of anything and am truly just amazed at how beautiful it is. It is overwhelming (in a positive way, but not in a get-your-work-done kind of way) when you have the time to think of these things. Maybe not as overwhelming as cleaning up puke on your birthday, but still. ;-)

These words get at just this feeling, and I love them. I will often listen to the song on repeat when it comes up in the car.

I know a please a thank you and a smile will take me far,
I know that I am you and you are me and we are one,
I know that who I am is numbered in each grain of sand,
I know that I've been blessed again, and over again.

~ Originally by Keali'i Reichel , Cover by Sweet Honey in the Rock that I have

I learned this song from a mix made by one of my college roommates. Senior year, one of my roommates had the awesome idea that we should all put together mixes, she would burn the CDs, and we would have a mix of music from each of us. (I think we are still missing two???)

Lap cat

Never adopt a cat thinking you want an independent animal.

These were all taken on different days/evenings. She has it rough.

Funny that on Insta-gram, when you look at #roughlife, it is mostly animal pictures.

Hope so

Hope...Sometimes hope feels far away. But hope is always there. Hope is the warmth of strong arms around you. Hope is the sad tears flowing, making room for joy. Hope is angry words bursting, making room for understanding. Hope is scared words asking for help, and finding that help is there. Hope is knowing that you are loved. Hope is knowing that you love others. Hope is holding tight to your mother's hand. Hope is your father's good-night kiss. Hope is remembering his kisses when he can't be there with you. Hope is finding happiness in simple things. Hope is daring to do something you've never done before. Hope is remembering that you are not alone. Many others feel just the way you do. Many others care. Hope is a candle flame in the darkness. Hope is the clear sky above the gray clouds. Hope is the glistening of the snow when the storm has passed. Hope is a heart that is open to the world around you. Hope is knowing that things change - and that we can help things to change for the better. Hope is always there inside you, waiting to unfold.

- Lauren Thompson

'Tis the week of the 'hope' candle in advent. 'Hope' is something I have been struggling with. While I think this excerpt is from a childrens' book, it helps separate the idea of hoping from wishing. I am fine with the present. The day-to-day. It is looking ahead to what will be going on 3 weeks or 6 months or 2 years from now that makes me want a glass of wine on my couch and then to curl up in bed.

In other randomness and to get into the holiday spirit, I finally treated myself to a nativity. I had been looking for one that was not super-breakable and not a bunch of white people. I got this from the Serrv shop at church, and they have other lovely ones.

 I got and put up and decorated my lovely tree all by myself. I am self-sufficient like that.

As needy as my cat often seems, you gotta admit she is awfully adorable when she cuddles in like this. She slipped and didn't make it up when she jumped up on a dining chair this evening. She either needs more exercise or is getting old or both.

 

Caged in

Oh, the life of an indoor cat.

See those birdies in the top right of the picture? The sliding door is open enough for her to fit out, but apparently she preferred being sneaky inside..

A journey

I open the curtains for the cat so if it is sunny, she can lay in the sun, but also so she can look out the windows. I went looking for her last weekend before I left, and she was laying at the foot of the bed in a patch of sun. She did not greet me when I got home a few hours later so I went to look for her again. She was now at the head of the bed in a patch of sun with a clear path of indented comforter from her earlier spot. This is what I suspect happened:

The Day to Day

Nothing too exciting around here really. CF's moved 17 days ago to start his new job. A seven-ish hour drive or a $400 flight (and 40 minute drive on either side of the flight) away. What have I been doing to try to keep busy? Some random stuff of which I thought to take pictures...

CF gave me a crock pot for Christmas. He bought it when he was with his family, and apparently his mother was not so sure about this as a gift. I have used it quite a bit though! I made apple sauce Saturday morning, then a beef stew (secret ingredient = a beer) for the evening when some friends came over, then chicken and dumplings Sunday to get me through most of the week. Here are the chicken and dumpling ingredients for the most part.

The soup part of the chicken and dumplings was good; the soup part was not hot enough for the dumplings, so they ended up a bit mushy. Still delicious though.

The cat tried to swat at me and ended up sitting like this. Hah.

Amaryllis that CF bought is in full bloom now.

I have been quite straightforward when talking with CF about how I am not all that happy with life right now and it is not very exciting. I received a dozen of these yesterday from CF with a note that hopefully this would make my day exciting.

Stuff I did not take pictures of?

I did not shave my legs for two weeks. TMI? I figured there was not really a point. Then I did shave because I had a massage coupon to use the other night. I had a massage.

I have been to the church's "young" adult bible study a couple of times. I keep thinking about what to write about this, and I surely will at some point, but really what this has made me realize is that I am not versed in the Bible at all. I did not really expect to be, but the other people who come totally are. Last week, I resolved to call friends. I called one who had called me two weeks ago. That is apparently my current turn around time. What am I so busy doing? Nothing really; just don't feel like talking about me at all.

I got a new work-study student to train who will help do some of the non-data-generating work I have to do.

I now check Pinterest obsessively when the blogs to which I subscribe do not have new posts. I tried a banana bread scone recipe I had pinned, that turned out okay. The freezer step did not freeze it enough or the texture was not right; regardless it was more like flat non-quite-cooked banana bread. I still ate it, of course. I also made this delicious smoothie. I highly recommend it!

I keep working during the day and vegging out in front of the TV at night. This is not conducive to getting my paper done. I am having a difficult time feeling like I need to work harder though.

I got out some t-shirts and picked up some supplies to work on a t-shirt quilt. I will have to take pictures as I go for some final post about it. These are t-shirts from an MS Walk I do every year. My Mom offered her t-shirts, but I said if mine looks good, I will make her her own quilt. SO, photos along the way is a GOOD idea.

Went to see the new Sherlock Holmes with a college classmate who just moved here.

That is all the randomness I can think of at the moment. I have been eating healthier, thanks to large batches of healthier crock-pot meals. I still have toooooo much candy and chocolate around the house. I am bringing the non-chocolate candy into work tomorrow.

Ready for my close up

I do enjoy my digital camera - it is an easy-to-use point and click that takes great pictures. A while back, I said something about being ready to upgrade from my Canon Elph 850IS, and my Mom suggested I put it on my Christmas list. The camera I will eventually upgrade to will likely cost a little too much to put on a Christmas list, plus I have not put ANY thought into what camera I want! I do think it will be fun to learn to use a more advanced camera and a macro lens to take close up pictures. In the meantime, my camera does fine taking photos with the macro setting, it is just impossible to tell the camera exactly what I want it to focus on.

The High Line Park in NYC

Hot chocolate with handmade marshmallow from City Bakery.

Tiles on the floor at Ellis Island. (As an aside, if you have any ancestors who came through Ellis Island, the records are mostly or all online now and you can search them!)

Mushrooms from CF's yard.

My kitty...who was just chillin' on the dining room table watching us unlock the door when we came home last night?! She is NOT supposed to be up there.

 Um, strawberries.

Catch up?

I have kept thinking of posts over the past three and a half weeks, but moved, did not have internet, was out of town, etc., etc.. I am getting settled in and last week finally cooked my first real meal at my new place: pork chops with peaches I picked and bulgar wheat with tomatoes from my new downstairs neighbor and cucumbers.

Today I got my cat back from CF, who has been watching her for three weeks while I moved and went to the MS Challenge Walk back in Massachusetts. As my move got closer and I was still trying to figure out how and when to move my stuff, I started worrying about what to do with my cat. CF, for all of his farming background, still has a soft spot for pets. He gives her more wet food than I do and even started leaving his toilet seat up for her so she could drink out of the toilet (for some reason her preferred water source). The first time I went over there after dropping her off, she ran and hid from me. This weekend she came right up and wanted to be on my lap all weekend. She was NOT happy when I scruffed her to put her back in her carrier to bring her to her new home. You would think I was torturing her?! Then she went straight under the bed after I let her out.

With a screened-in porch, I just left the door open to see how long it would take her to explore out there. After sitting behind an invisible door like this a couple of times, she finally went out and lounged in the sun...and ran back inside any time I came near in case I was mad.

I will be back at some point to post about something. ;-) Life, academia, starting the job search, CF finishing at some point...

The skinny

It has been a LONG month. Only it has flown by because there is so much going on. In the next couple of weeks I will: move, go to the department retreat (if moving goes okay), walk 50 miles on Cape Cod, be alone when I am home because my cat is going to stay at CF's through all of this, and then start a class. In a couple of months CF is moving to another state across a great lake. That is probably a story for another time.

Tomorrow I should be getting my keys/signing a lease so that I can get this view and cut my commute from ~35 miles to ~15. I think that is a good deal. :-)