On being lonely

I have thought about this post for a long time, and apparently had pasted this link about loneliness and sickness into it at one point without writing anything else. In case you did not know, real loneliness is bad for your health. Although rereading the article is very interesting, it is not really the point I initially aimed to make, which is...

The realization that I have come to over the past year and a half that life in general is an isolating experience. Regardless of your experiences. Period.

In my own life, I finally (took out a student loan and) got my own apartment to finish up my PhD. People said how lucky I was to have my own place (true), but I got my kitty soon after unpacking for some company. I might say that people are lucky because they have found their life partner, and maybe have even started a family (true), but that comes with challenges and a dearth of 'me time' as well.

On one hand, I LOVE spending time with friends and family. My friends once joked that I am the 'glue' that often held us together. I will avoid a leadership position in hopes that someone else will do it, often to find myself annoyed with a lack of leaders and taking the helm and being successful at it. I am definitely an introvert. I LOVE being home alone so I can relax and rejuvenate. When my cat wants too much attention, I get annoyed. When I am lonely, I want to pet her and then she bites me. The funny thing is that my mother always said I was her cat what I was a kid: if she wanted to snuggle but I did not, I would not sit still and would have nothing of it. On the other hand, if I wanted to snuggle, she couldn't keep me out of her lap.

I could probably call out any of you readers and name a time I knew or can probably accurately guess that you were lonely, regardless of whether someone would look in on your life and guess that. We seek out others with similar experiences, and the internet makes this easier, and we become dear friends with people we never would have met otherwise. I always wonder if anyone can truly feel how you do, even if it seems their life journey is so eerily similar. Which is why I think compassion and empathy are critically important in general, and what makes a real friendship when two people have different paths in life.

Today, I was reminded of my singleness, and later in the day this reminded me of my periods of loneliness. I met with a financial advisor/accountant again and brought records of my limited finances. He commented on the fact that I am lucky my employer matches my retirement fund contributions at a slightly higher percentage than my required contributions. I joked that there has to be some benefit to the meager faculty salary! He filled out his profile form, confirming I am single. Then later in the form, asked to confirm that there was no partner in the periphery or hiding somewhere. Meaning what? That is right. I am doing it alone. I would like to buy a house in a couple of years. It is what it is. Tell me what to do with my money, dude, so I yet again prove I can do life by myself.

In other news of not being alone, when my cat was super sick a week and a half ago, and the vet suggested she was a few years older than I thought, I was already making plans to go adopt ASAP if she did not make it. I felt guilty for leaving her to go to church that Sunday, and probably prayed for something for myself for the first time in a very long time. I am also not going to lie that I am not much of a pray-er. But given her age and the fact that I do appreciate her company, I asked that when she gets sick or is actually going to die, that it is obvious to me/the vet and she does not suffer. She was better in a few days (with one more really bad day of horrible balance and no eating), and is back to normal for now! She even tried to bite me today.

I have also discovered that men resort to text conversations these days. I guess that is less intimidating than calling someone? I need to get myself a better text plan, though, if I plan to keep up this dating thing!