It's so bad I have to post

Man, this day just keeps piling it on. And while none of these things seems all that bad in the grand scheme of things, they're added on to my growing anxiety about my current institution and constant internal dialogues about what to do with my job.

After an hour of my floor vibrating and finally needing to get some work done, I went downstairs and got the door slammed in my face when I politely and not out of the blue asked my neighbor to turn the base down on their music. They sort of have.

My senior colleague tells me I need to take some time to relax and maintain denial of the impending semester like everyone else. Keep in mind we were back on contract last Monday and classes start in a week (I have a 10-month contract), and he hasn't been in yet. I've taken a total of 5 week-days away from campus this summer and checked my email during those days. My job is not important enough, nor was I on contract or get paid enough, to necessitate me checking my email in the summer. I wish I didn't feel so responsible to my job.

Romeo is trying to figure out how NOT to have jury duty. Now, I absolutely strongly believe that everyone who can absolutely should do jury duty. It irritates me to no end when people complain about having jury duty. (I have post ideas about privilege, don't you worry...) BUT, he does not have any type of job for which he will get paid when he has jury duty. I do not think think that jury duty should cause someone to lose pay, which then impacts their ability to pay bills and buy food, for example. We've been dating for 6 months, and I live in a different county from him. Want to take bets on what his idea for getting out of jury duty is? I'll find out for sure tomorrow after he looks into some stuff, but I'm guessing it involves him "living with me".

Such a rough life, right? Still feel the floor vibrating...still have work to do on this Sunday afternoon...

I'll leave this on a positive note though: I'm as sure as I can be without the final official email that a grant proposal I submitted last October will be funded. That happens and I'm going to get all high and mighty on my administration and colleagues and do whatever the hell I want in my job! (Obviously continue to do my job and be successful, but screw feeling like I *should* do something when I'm contributing significantly to the operating budget, supporting my research students outside of the college budget, giving the institution significant clout as a small college, etc.) I may even have a potential full-time research technician ready to go.

I promise the next post will be all about the things I love and do to have a fulfilling life.

Shopping therapy

I have learned something about myself. I use shopping therapy if I am either in a good place and want to treat myself or sad and want to make myself better. Take the past month, for example. I bought three dresses and some Yankee candles from Z-ulily. The dresses have all been worn and the candles burned. I mean, look at how cute these are?!

I also bought new prescription eye glasses (to be fair my others were about 4 years old and all scratched up!) even though I don't have my eye benefit kick in until December again. I think they are also winners.

AND, they had small cracks in them, so when I brought them back to get a lens replaced tonight, I spent the time waiting by going to the Origins counter at Macy's, getting a mini-facial, buying too many products, and finally opening a Macy's card after all these years...and now that I think about it, I kinda think I should go back and get a pair of jeans with my initial 20% off since I need jeans.

Want to guess what type of shopping therapy this is? The good kind.

Things that have put me in a good mood despite the excessive unofficial advising I do at work because students like to talk to me and noticing the number of scratches that have accumulated on my car? Romeo. Because he has immediate responses like:

Me: I'm fine. Getting work done.
Him: You are fine.

Me: That's amazing.
Him: You're amazing.

Him: When can I see you again?
Me: Here's when I'm free...
Him: I meant can I see you again tonight?

Me: Your secrets are safe with me.
Him: I probably should keep you wrapped in my arms to be sure.

Me: What are you up to today?
Him: Maintaining my composure until I get to see you.

Or spending a day hanging out and literally watching TV all day. Him having car issues, but taking the bus out to see me after spending 36 hours together (and the public transport here isn't great).

A quickie*

I went from thinking my life was boring, to being a little more busy than I wanted, to I think settling in to a good level of busy.

On one hand, Romeo is a great reason to stay productive and free up my free time. On the other hand, he's had car issues, and we haven't seen each other since the weekend. Yes, I do own a car that I drive. We will need to discuss his reluctance to have me over...not sure if it's the area of the city he lives in, the fact that he has a roommate (his cousin), or what, but dude, (pseudo-TMI warning) a girl can't go from seeing you and non-quickie time together (vague but you get it???) several times a week to this many days off?!

The Ex texts me today that he misses my nose ring, to which I responded that that's weird because it's still there. Turns out he misses my face, is drinking at the bar, just filed for legal separation from his wife, and wants to get back together. Whaaaat. Sorry, yo. I'm working on something better with someone who regularly tells me that he wants to spend time with me, I'm great (and he's great), and is a little more grounded than you. Almost 10 years post-break-up, good to know I still have a back-up plan if Romeo doesn't work out. {insert eye rolling}

Work has its great parts and its frustrating parts. I'm trying to distance myself from much of the work socializing because it is largely complaining and gossiping and not relaxing at all. Several times I have opted for a quick lunch and a walk in the sun instead. My colleagues certainly notice, but I put in enough socializing time to largely be "excused", in the sense of still being perceived as part of the team (I think). Many of the students seek out my advice, which is great and flattering. Unfortunately they aren't my official advisees and I don't get "credit" for that time. Yesterday I spent between 60 and 90 minutes advising students who are not my advisees. That adds up. A lot. I need to speak to my chair about getting these students assigned to me so that I get "credit" for it. Good news is, the students generally love me. Not sure if it is because they perceive me as "younger" or that I am just better at this part of being a professor than some of my colleagues.

*No pun intended. This is intended to be a quickie post for my fans**.

**If I still have fans after my posting hiatus. ;-)

Recuperating

This week marked my first illness-related absence from my current job.

I went for a run after work on Monday, given the lovely spring weather here. My GPS and my foot were both messed up, so I kept it short. I headed home, made plans to make dinner and feed Birthday Twin (hereafter known as BT*?), then promptly puked three times after I started making dinner. Luckily BT hadn't made it to far in the car, and I could tell him to turn around. (Sadly, this has ended up meaning we have not seen each other all week, and I can tell you that is a real shame.) I finished making dinner, put it in the fridge, and passed out on the couch for 2 hours. Then woke up and went to bed. THEN (because I know you're enjoying the play-by-play), I stayed home yesterday with a fever that went down mid-afternoon. On one hand, I've said multiple times I wish I would get sick and have a reason to cancel class. On the other hand, I didn't have any classes to teach yesterday, so it was a waste of a "sick day" (not that I have some set number of sick days...I think...).

My recuperation consisted of getting up normal time for work, emailing a couple of people that I was sick and not coming in, then watching the series finale of Downton Abbey. Its ending made me pleased and was essentially what I was hoping. Then I slept on the couch for a couple of hours.

I ran in to work to get work, since I figured I would still need to prep class. I stopped and got some raspberry sherbert on the way home, because nothing says childhood fever to me like some raspberry sherbert. I seriously think that was the magic that made my fever go down over the afternoon. I managed to prep a bit for class and finish grading some exams! Then I went to bed at 9:00.

Factors contributing to my recovery from the weird <24 event:="" flu-like="" hour="" p="">

• Downton Abbey!
• ~20 hours of sleep in ~36 hour period.
• Only puking those initial times and not continuing. I hate throwing up.
• 2 advil.
• One of my favorite students (who are we kidding? we all have favorites...) earning 100% on the exam I was grading. This was 11 points above the next highest test! She was beside herself today. It was amazing.
• I got my impact score back from a research proposal I submitted in the fall. It is in the solid "excellent" range. I don't want to get too hopeful, but cross your fingers I get real grant funding!!! I'm mostly excited that this would mean I could hire a technician and pay myself for the two months per year not covered by my contract. Game changers.
• BT. [Warning: here comes train of unedited thoughts.] I really want to know how this will go. I think after a couple more weeks I will either need to pull the plug before getting too attached, or it will just have to be the real thing. He may not have a choice. My college roommies (with whom I conclaved** this weekend) were (rightly) amazed? appalled? surprised? all of the above? that I do not know BT's last name. In the words of one of said roommies, "It never came up!" Sadly, my illness got in the way of seeing him this week because then we both had other conflicts. But the text conversations. Oh, the text conversations! The "When can I see you again?", "I want them all" in response to my free nights next week, a Harry Potter marathon that would get him into my SIL's good graces, "You're worth it" in response to making him wait (and to which I responded that he's a smart man). Oh, he's funny too! Me - "I guess meteorologists care." Him - "Yeah, so like 50 people."
• On a related note, the other guys I have had more communication with or gone on a couple of dates with have sorta faded out. NBD. We'll see how BT works out and reevaluate if necessary.
• I inspired a friend to try some online dating, & so far it's been good for her too! Yay!

Okay...now back to work....

*BT is the IRL nickname of one of Bill's friends. So if you think of a better nickname for the current boy, do let me know.

** The 6 of us who lived together senior year in college live within a 4-hour driving range since I moved back east. SUPER doable. We have been getting together about twice a year. It's amazing. The first time was when the last papal conclave was occurring, and we had a new member who has since married into our 'family' who we joked would be voted on at our conclave.

***Conclave story 2 that has no reference above. I jokingly asked my friends if they had secretly voted Bill out, and I just hadn't known it. One**** responded that because I seemed indifferent, they were indifferent and didn't even bother. I think my friends may know me better than I know myself sometimes...

****OMG, that friend is getting married in October and I. CANNOT. WAIT.

Thanks

Thank you, attractive vendor at the craft show, for watching me pass by.

Thank you friend with whom I recently caught up after too long for your encouraging words re: lots of stuff.

Thank you, colleague, for mentioning how much it bugged you that the student who was house sitting put the mugs back differently and that bothered you. It made me really realize I cannot live alone for the rest of my life.

Thank you, Director of Res Life, for letting me know you hear good things about me from the students!

Thank you, College Chaplain, for introducing me to students as being wonderful.

Thank you, online dating site users, for filling up my social calendar. You have good tastes (in me!).

Thank you, local friends, for getting excited about my stories.

Full circle

Many years ago, when I first thought it was a good idea to start a blog, I was venturing into online dating as a way to just start doing things and getting out there. So, it was my sixth post, but still. It meant I didn't have to repeat stories for those friends to whom I gave the link. Well. I may have recently embarked on my third round of this approach to reentering the dating scene/getting out there and doing things. But first, I bring you letters to people (a la Stephanie whose letters I greatly enjoy reading)!


Dear Bill,

I ate the box of your favorite Girl Scout cookies and drank the case of your favorite beer and sold the ticket to the beer fest I had for your birthday (now past). Your loss. Enjoy NYC.

Ex-Jenski



Dear fellow faculty,

Grow up.

Best,
Your fave junior colleague



Dear Ex,

I know I started this. I will likely regret it, but since I love this song and think this exact point most times I hear it, the wine I had with friends tonight "made" me send the first text. (Me on the right; he on the left.)

Jenski

P.S. Isn't it amazing that Amazon Prime knew to play 'Someone like you' soon after? Sometimes I just think FML to myself.



Dear friends/family (internet and otherwise),

Feel free to judge re: previous letter (spelling/purpose/whatev.). Seriously. I'm judging myself right now.

XOXO,
Jenski



Dear friend,

You were spot on when you said you hoped CF wouldn't break my heart but you were afraid or knew he already had. I think I'm still recovering quite honestly.

XOXO,
Ex-roomy




Sometimes you have to just get wine drunk on a Thursday night before you teach the next day...

Relationships

This is not about the romantic type of relationships, but the friend type.

I have struggled to get stuff done so I could get my research set up this year and head back to my post-doc lab to retrieve some reagents. Plan A was to go back Thanksgiving. Plan B was winter break. Plan C was spring break. I had reached various states of anxiety over this time, thinking I would never get my research going. Each time I would chill out because this is my first year and my teaching is going fine and I will have a summer student and I have been engaged on campus. I am at a small liberal arts college. These are the real expectations. (As a matter of fact, my department chair gave me a heads up that he's supposed to write a progress letter for my file but it wasn't at the top of his list because the department has no concerns about me, but that he would get to it eventually.)

At the beginning of mid-March, I FINALLY finalized dates for a technician come to set up the system I inherited from my post-doc lab that required some plumbing and electric work in my future lab that I had waited a couple of months for facilities to get done. My Plan D trip back to my post-doc lab is now Easter Weekend.

Even though I had touched base with friends over the past 6 months and held my imminent visit (see Plans A through C above) out like a carrot in front of a rabbit, I could actually tell them I was definitely coming! They all got excited and so am I. There have been some snags in getting my lab ready to make it possible to bring stuff back, but even if I can't do it for my research, I have decided that I will still go to see everyone.

I miss my friends there. I was sadder to leave than I would have thought, given the reason for my moving there and the outcome of that relationship. I am so excited to see them (plus a baby that has arrived since I left!) in a couple of weeks. On a related note, I finally unfriended CF on the face book. I was working up to it and frankly wanted to do it before my impending birthday so that he would notice. I am awful. :-)

This has also made me think about various friendships I have made over the years. Friendships that are stronger than others. Once stronger friendships that have faded. Friendships that make for fun times when schedules and travel plans match up. Friendships that make me happy about my life choices, despite any difficult times that coincided. Old friends to whom I am geographically closer now and as a result made new friendships, thanks to my friends having significant others. New friendships where I live now that I would miss if I left my new home (absolutely no plans to do so, though), and surprise that as much as I like to sit at home and drink beer and watch TV, that those friendships developed in 6 months.

Sometimes, and honestly sometimes quite often, I miss things I do not have in my life, nor ever have, that others do. But in reality, I have made choices about my life and the things that I do about which I am happy and make me happy regardless.

Multitasking

My friend was recently telling me that she does not want to 'bug' her boyfriend too much about future plans because he is finishing his thesis and he cannot 'multitask'. Prior to this, she felt bad for bringing it up with him because he was working on a big project and also had his thesis and could only work on one thing at a time because he cannot 'multitask'.

I think I had such a visceral reaction to this because she sounds like I did a few years ago when CF refused to respond to any of my attempts at talking about future plans as well. I told her as much and also that she should think about my suggestions in this light. She shares a lot with the boyfriend, as she should, so I pointed out that she should also tell him this about me if she told him what I said. In addition, her boyfriend's inability to discuss a plan, with the acknowledgement that plans are not set in stone but give you a goal, is affecting my friend's well-being. Thinking you may unfairly burden a partner and refraining from a conversation when you yourself then end up unfairly burdened does not make sense to me.

Multitasking has nothing to do with doing two things at once. Sure you can pat your head and rub your stomach at the same time or chew gum and walk, but I am pretty sure that if the things require cognitive input, you can only do one thing at a time. I told my friend that if she gave her boyfriend a heads up that she needed (yes, actually needs) to talk about this would mean that he could be prepared to participate instead of him being unprepared, as he has apparently been during previous attempts. (As an aside, I have done this with exes to no avail.)

I actually do this with myself. I will think about how to approach something for way. too. long. sometimes. Then when I go to actually do it, it takes very little time though. There are some things I absolutely need to get done in a timely fashion that are simmering right now.
     Taxes, for example. It is way past when I should have already made an appointment to have someone do those for me.
     A grant proposal due in July. It seems like a long way off, but it is a big proposal. This may sound crazy, but as long as my teaching is good, if I got a proposal funded through this mechanism, I might be all set for tenure in 5 years. Seriously.
     My lesson plans for next week. It is spring break for me and I took the last three days off from work-work. Bill and I hung out literally all weekend, I cleaned my apartment from top to bottom, and I did all my laundry (plus the extras like my duvet cover). There is no more procrastinating available in my apartment.
     Figuring out this Bill thing. There are several things I am trying to get used to again. As with my conversation with my friend about she and her boyfriend, it would make sense for me to share with Bill so he does not think I am ambivalent or boring. One is I getting used to being gone. Bill likes to travel, even for regular weekend things. I do too, I just have not had the resources to do it in recent years. I need to get back into the swing of things. Participating in the summer research program provides me a stipend, but the budget is continually shrinking for the program so who knows what measly amount it will be. Honestly Bill pays for almost everything, but then I feel bad about that (see above sharing idea...). See also this previous post. I have also been unfriending people on Facebook who I only know from my previous relationship life. I have done this in waves, and it was great to do some of this the other day as I was also friending new people I have met in my new life.
     Getting my research set up. I have a summer student lined up and not my research. I had plans of doing this in January. Then this week during spring break. It involves a trip back to my post-doc lab to pick stuff up. First some plumbing was not getting done. Then there are snow days that bring everything to a screeching halt at my small liberal arts college. Now there is a water shut down in my building to do outside water main work (which is surely delayed thanks to a snow storm yesterday). Not surprisingly, I JUST got an email that water will be off through Thursday (one-day delay), with no hot water until Friday. FML. Time to get dressed, head to campus, and plan my bathroom breaks so I can go to the building next door to use their bathrooms.

How serious ARE you?

Three things indicating various levels of seriousness for you to judge. It is always nice to be told you are expected to be judgmental, right?

1. I really do love when I feel fully prepared for class or when I finish writing up an assignment. I am enjoying meeting students at all levels - teaching an upper level course with a lab and an intro lab section. I just confirmed with a student that she will do summer research with me. For the most part, I think I am on the right track. But when the weather channel sent out a storm watch alert for later this week and I heard other faculty complaining about the winter weather, MY first thought was, "let's go snow day or delay!"

I never really thought I would be that person (I mean we are only 2 weeks into the semester!), but it is nice being on the instructor side of a snow day. Plus I honestly do not mind the winter weather, I am sure in part because I do not have to shovel or clear trees that fell down in the recent ice storm.

2. Rapunzel had this idea that we would use Nike+ to motivate each other to stay active, although she seems quite good at it herself. We both said, at least in the beginning that knowing someone else could see when we ran made us more likely to run, and we kept trying to just get ahead of the other person (although I was just trying to keep up...). She finished the 30 miles in 30 days a few days early and set up a new 32 miles in 30 days challenge. And she just finished after 11.5 days. I have not kept up, but I did run 30.06 miles in January and already 17.17 miles this month. Not too shabby, but not quite as serious as Rapunzel.

3. BIL guy is coming with me to my parents for a big bonfire and drinking this weekend. On one hand, I suppose it is some-adjective-I-can't-quite-put-my-finger-on that technically we have only been [clearly] out of the friend zone since Jan 1 and he is hanging out with my family. On the other hand, he knew my BIL way back and has met my sister and the kids, and we have been hanging out for so long, that it does not feel weird at all. He also has been happy to come from the first time I mentioned it, including when I gave him another out over the weekend. That is mostly all I have to say about that.

History (of science)

As I was continuing to (inefficiently) get ready this past week for the start of classes on Monday, I was adding some historical perspective to the developmental biology course I am teaching. The textbook mentions scientist names and the general time in which they made discoveries or proposed ideas about how biological systems work. I started looking up more specific information about these scientists though, and started thinking about how crazy it is that so many discoveries we/I take for granted were made relatively recently. At least it seemed that way to me when I started thinking about how the lives of my great-grandparents (who I knew), my grandparents, and my parents (sorry) overlapped with so many incredible advances. Of course I also thought about how in 30 years students will take for granted exciting discoveries that have been made in the past 10 years, and wonder how there was a time we did not know these things.

[As an aside, I think this is one of the struggles with teaching science. We know SO. MUCH. MORE. now than we did when I was in school in the 80s and 90s. We expect the students to learn these new things, but then we still need to teach them the basics and how to think. There actually are not enough hours in the day. A lot of our teaching, at least where I am, does emphasize the critical thinking and communication/writing skills, but in reality the students are not retaining even a lot of the basics as a result. And they need to at least know the basics and where to look up the more detailed information.]

My great-grandmother was born in 1898, and I think my great-grandfather was born earlier that decade. My grandparents were born in the mid-1920s. So, here are some cool things to think about.

The man, August Weismann, who proposed that we inherit characteristics from germ cells (eggs and sperm) died when my great grandmother was 16 years old.

The images of DNA taken by Rosalind Franklin, that were then used by her and Watson and Crick to determine the structure of DNA, were taken in the early 1950s when my great grand-parents were in their 60s, my grand-parents in their late 20s, and my parents were born?! As an aside, Franklin also studied the polio virus.

The 4 postulates for determining if an illness is due to a disease or a microorganism (like bacteria) were developed around 1890, and have since been revised in light of more modern techniques of studying disease. Koch and Loeffler, who developed these ideas, lived until 1910 and 1915, respectively, when my great-grandmother was a teenager.

I would look up a few more, but you get the idea. Everyone hears about the big exciting things like landing on the moon, but these ideas are just as ground breaking, even if they seem less flashy in this day and age.

The count-down

I am lucky. I still have another week before classes start. I have been relatively productive during break, but could have done more planning and prep before now if I had cared to. At the same time, I am definitely not going into the semester exhausted, which is a good thing.

I am not sure if I have mentioned it, but I am teaching a lecture/lab course plus one intro lab this semester. In the sciences we figure out staffing by contact hours, so I will be in the classroom teaching for 9 hours a week. The intro lab is no big deal - there is a person who preps the labs - but I will also be sitting in on the lecture so I know what the students are learning and also sitting in on a lab before mine so I know what to teach - that will add another 6 hours to my in-class time each week. The other class I am teaching I have decided to do from scratch even though I have my predecessor's materials, so it will be fairly time consuming to generate the course material. My knowledge is different from my predecessors, so it was either learn what she had taught and teach it, or draw on what I know and make up new labs. So I went with the latter.

Unfortunately I will not have my research set up before the start of classes, so I am not sure if I will be able to use my research in my teaching lab this year, but will down the road!

I realized last week that I actually have to be putting together lectures for the semester. Tomorrow, I start my one-lecture-prep-a-day plan. Over the course of the week, I need to outline the first few labs too. I am excited about the course, as it is upper level, and am trying to hold the self-doubt at bay. I know I can do it, I just need to do it.

In other news, I painted this. It will be fired and ready to pick up this week. I picked it as a pet dish, but we will see if she gets to use it or not. I painted the flower on the inside figuring it could be a water dish, and then I could still see my handy work. A few of us went for a ladies' night at one of those paint-your-own studios, and we all did completely different designs. It will be fun to see how they look after being glazed and fired!

In other-other news, I spent a fun couple of days in Philadelphia this weekend.

 The stairs Rocky runs on.

 The Liberty Bell, which I learned was cracked from day 1.

 Independence hall.

 The room in which the Declaration of Independence and the Constitution were signed. George Washington sat in the chair in the front!

 Random alley...

I have also managed to run 3- 4 times per week, thanks to some friendly motivation. For some reason I don't feel like I am getting any faster or that it is getting any easier. I think I need to try running without music, as boring as that sounds, to figure out what my natural pace is. It is on my To Do list for tomorrow.

My motivation to keep on top of my work this semester is going to be more short trips like this. 7 days to the new semester and counting...

Let's do this

I cleaned out my email inbox at work.

I have a course syllabus to write. And a grant.

I am psyching myself up for my second semester. At the end of last semester, I jokingly wrote on the FB, "1 semester down. Approximately 59 to go," and I joked about it at work today. Two members of my parents' generation could not believe that I would count down. I guess they took it literally! Luckily I love my job and I am NOT actually counting down to retirement, I just thought it was funny to think about. I think maybe that generation is stressed out being in their late 50s to mid 60s in the current economic climate that they find it inappropriate that I might hope to retire some day, too. Hope my parents thank me for paying my taxes and supporting their fixed income post-retirement.

My student evaluations suggest that students either thought the course and my teaching were great...or not. . The large majority think there is too much material and that lectures move too quickly. They said my grading in lab was harsh, but honestly their lab reports were not great. And they certainly picked up on the fact that as the semester progressed, I was more comfortable in class. They are so unprepared for the amount of material they need to learn though. This spring I am sitting in on the intro course, so hopefully we can improve the students' appreciation of and performance in the course and not dumb it down. It is reassuring to know the woman with whom I team taught gave me feedback throughout that was positive and/or constructive. Only up to go from here!

I ran again for the first time in a couple of weeks with new running sneakers and just as it was starting to snow. Everything about it was great except the running part. (I did it, I just refuse to like it.) I have 11 months to be able to run a half marathon and MONTHS of hot and humid weather in the middle. I will have to get my butt up early this summer to keep up the running.

I have one boy to let down and one who, I am pretty sure, is not let down.

I have some gifts to sew, including a T-shirt quilt for my mom with her red and yellow t-shirts!

I have food in my freezer I need to eat up - I started with tomatoes and spinach in a delicious bacon, black bean, and veggie soup tonight (secret ingredient = ~1/2 c of beer).

I caught up on Downton Abbey and Parenthood. I am ready for the new seasons.

2014, here I come!

Expectations

I keep wanting to write about a lot of different things all in one post with some coherent theme. I have the word 'expectations' stuck in my head for some reason, but I am not really sure how this will bring everything together. Let's see how this goes.

An obvious place to start is with the Red Sox. I love them. They are currently playing what could be the last game of the World Series if they win. I am staying up for the whole game, which they are cruising through right now.

Running. I mentioned that I told my friend I would run a half marathon a year from now. He is running it next weekend. It is in Disney World, at night, and there is a big food and wine party at the finish line. I dislike running, but figure if I am going to do it, it might as well be at the happiest/most magical place on earth. Anyway. I looked up Disney's running training and realized that I do not have to actually run the whole race. This may seem obvious, but I guess that if I do something, I want to DO IT. You have to finish the race in 3 1/2 hours, and I could walk it in that, so I will finish. Now to figure out how fast I will be able to finish it. I have been running a couple of days a week to get in shape, but hope I can take advantage of the year to pull off a somewhat respectable time.

BIL guy and I hang out regularly. I guess I should stop saying they are "non-dates", but it still makes me feel more relaxed about it, and we have actually just been hanging out. He is a nice guy, we always have stuff to talk about, and I just upped my text plan because we text a lot.

There were a couple of Halloween events on campus this week. My department won the costume contests at each, as we went as an ecosystem. I was a deer (as in a primary consumer, a.k.a an herbivore). I was just going to put some antlers on a headband.

Then I decided I would whip up some fleece pants. It was an imperfect sewing project in which I just used a pair of fleece pants I love as a template.

The costume worked out pretty well though - I put a big white circle on my shirt today to round out the costume.

What else? My students have generally been great. (Which I forgot that I just wrote about, but it must be true if I wanted to write about it again.) It may not seem like a college professor would say this, but even at this age I feel like they are my 'kids'. I am sad that a couple of them in particular have dropped the course, but understand why. Others who are failing are driving me crazy because they are not trying enough. One who improved amazingly on her last exam gave me a hug. One who is really smart finally pulled off a passing exam score with a 90 (yay!) and then proceeded to not hand in a lab report. He is driving me crazy?!

I cooked up some squash tonight and decided to roast the delicata squash seeds with no particular expectations of them. They were DELICIOUS. I have not tried the squash yet.

Oh! I also went up to my parents' a few weeks ago. I show up after dark on a Friday night, and my mother informs me that "All the leaves have fallen off the trees already." I seriously went to bed sad thinking that I missed all of Vermont's foliage this year. Good thing my mom is crazy. Exhibit A:

I still cannot set up a key part of my lab, which is hugely frustrating but I know it will happen. The plus side is that I am definitely expected to do research and involve undergraduates (and I am looking forward to it), but teaching is what is REALLY important (and thus teaching in the lab). I have been trying to use my time wisely to plan for next semester and think about grant writing because the lab stuff is dragging out a bit.

I guess I also want to throw out there that I think I am happy. Well, I am happy. Considering my only post in August was about how my life sucked, this is a nice change. ;-) Other little things have happened that are not great, but they are fine. They are life. In August these little things would have been awful. I guess I had enough time to feel sorry for myself back then, and now I can roll with the punches. Keep it up, Life!

On being lonely

I have thought about this post for a long time, and apparently had pasted this link about loneliness and sickness into it at one point without writing anything else. In case you did not know, real loneliness is bad for your health. Although rereading the article is very interesting, it is not really the point I initially aimed to make, which is...

The realization that I have come to over the past year and a half that life in general is an isolating experience. Regardless of your experiences. Period.

In my own life, I finally (took out a student loan and) got my own apartment to finish up my PhD. People said how lucky I was to have my own place (true), but I got my kitty soon after unpacking for some company. I might say that people are lucky because they have found their life partner, and maybe have even started a family (true), but that comes with challenges and a dearth of 'me time' as well.

On one hand, I LOVE spending time with friends and family. My friends once joked that I am the 'glue' that often held us together. I will avoid a leadership position in hopes that someone else will do it, often to find myself annoyed with a lack of leaders and taking the helm and being successful at it. I am definitely an introvert. I LOVE being home alone so I can relax and rejuvenate. When my cat wants too much attention, I get annoyed. When I am lonely, I want to pet her and then she bites me. The funny thing is that my mother always said I was her cat what I was a kid: if she wanted to snuggle but I did not, I would not sit still and would have nothing of it. On the other hand, if I wanted to snuggle, she couldn't keep me out of her lap.

I could probably call out any of you readers and name a time I knew or can probably accurately guess that you were lonely, regardless of whether someone would look in on your life and guess that. We seek out others with similar experiences, and the internet makes this easier, and we become dear friends with people we never would have met otherwise. I always wonder if anyone can truly feel how you do, even if it seems their life journey is so eerily similar. Which is why I think compassion and empathy are critically important in general, and what makes a real friendship when two people have different paths in life.

Today, I was reminded of my singleness, and later in the day this reminded me of my periods of loneliness. I met with a financial advisor/accountant again and brought records of my limited finances. He commented on the fact that I am lucky my employer matches my retirement fund contributions at a slightly higher percentage than my required contributions. I joked that there has to be some benefit to the meager faculty salary! He filled out his profile form, confirming I am single. Then later in the form, asked to confirm that there was no partner in the periphery or hiding somewhere. Meaning what? That is right. I am doing it alone. I would like to buy a house in a couple of years. It is what it is. Tell me what to do with my money, dude, so I yet again prove I can do life by myself.

In other news of not being alone, when my cat was super sick a week and a half ago, and the vet suggested she was a few years older than I thought, I was already making plans to go adopt ASAP if she did not make it. I felt guilty for leaving her to go to church that Sunday, and probably prayed for something for myself for the first time in a very long time. I am also not going to lie that I am not much of a pray-er. But given her age and the fact that I do appreciate her company, I asked that when she gets sick or is actually going to die, that it is obvious to me/the vet and she does not suffer. She was better in a few days (with one more really bad day of horrible balance and no eating), and is back to normal for now! She even tried to bite me today.

I have also discovered that men resort to text conversations these days. I guess that is less intimidating than calling someone? I need to get myself a better text plan, though, if I plan to keep up this dating thing!

Fake it?

I do not think there is anything special about feeling like you can't cut it. Apparently I allude to the whole Imposter Syndrome thing about once a year too. I am having to remind myself of this as I have done less prep for my interview than I thought I would. I gave a practice talk at lab meeting today. The first thing my boss said was that my slides were great. She mentioned it a couple of times. I have to stop psyching myself out! I came home and tried on outfits to bring, and they look fine. Despite my paper not yet being submitted, I have been contacted by two great schools that liked my job application.

On my drive home today, I was thinking about how I could probably think of a time when any given person I know has doubted themselves in some way. I am really bad at keeping in touch with people, so if I know this about them, my guess it that it was not a one-time deal. I decided, though, that feeling inadequate or doubting yourself is a result of caring. Seems ironic that if you care about something and are a good person you would worry about your performance on anything from your job to your home life to your relationships instead of trusting you are doing what you can.

I'll take it

It is good that I have enough good to even out the car repairs that necessitated a rental car because they could not get the parts early enough in the day. For the record, my rented Chevy Sonics is tiny! Oh, and I need to submit my research paper somewhere. You can send science magazines a description of your paper and they will give you a perspective on whether they think it would be good for their journal. So far, several have suggested that my paper is not a good fit, but not to let that discourage me from submitting to their journal in the future. Okay.

On with the good! I have an on-campus interview next week, and will see turns out another phone interview at another school. I may have choices in this whole job search thing!

I remedied a failed Loft visit with a post-Sandy celebration of buying Loft clothes when their website went online. Best part? I now have dress pants that fit correctly for one of my interview days.

I tried on some of my dress pants at the end of the summer and they were a tad snug. Inappropriately tight. So, I decided more exercising is necessary. I have been jogging every once in a while when it is still light out because it is faster than walking. The time change makes this difficult. Yesterday I left work early and fit in a run. I realized that if I run a little slower, I can run further. Go figure. I did a 2.85 mile route without walking. I am quite proud...and still refuse to become a "runner". Pants are still tight, so the next step is to lay off the chocolate...or not buy more when it is gone...

I am heartened by the results and the numbers from the recent election. And that is all. Except for what I posted on Facebook that I have repeated to myself many times:

I promise to put myself in your shoes and recall the disappointment of my candidate losing if you promise to put yourself in my shoes and understand that this is what I think is best for our country.

My friend told me that he thinks I am ready to be a professor because I handled a small situation well and did not make a big deal out of it. He also told me that he still thinks I have become funnier, except that he feels there is something negative underneath. Like I will crack one day. He is not entirely wrong, as any of you regular readers may know. But at least I am funny.

I have done a couple of research things the past week, which is great. My friend (the grad student in the lab) and I have had some great science conversations. I am often the go-to person because our lab manager is splitting her time with another position on campus. This has been a great experience and just emphasizes to me that I am ready to move on.

I have a job talk that is almost ready to go. It has taken me over a week to get it to this point, but I think about it a lot so when I sit down to work on it, it is relatively quick. What I have NOT done is prepare for meeting with people at the college. It is going to be a stressful couple of days getting ready to go, but I have new clothes (see above point).

The whole point of this is that I'll take it. I am reminding myself of all the good to help let go of the bad and it seems to be working. Go me.

Inertia

It is only appropriate that I have been working on this post for several days - not sure how to put in to words what I am thinking and jumping between this, a job talk, job applications, getting organized for an interview, and then cleaning right after I make myself post this...


I came up with (or, maybe, Googled) a few quotes about inertia that felt particularly fitting to me right now, and I have been thinking about inertia in life for a while, and Danielle recently posted about something similar. I do not think that my points are well fleshed out though.

What I think we fear is rapid, pronounced, and uncontrollable changes to ourselves, and because of this we have a form of personality inertia - something that resists rapid change. - Simon Travaglia

I am trying to stay away from a blame game in my relationship with CF, and I think as a result start to wonder if I am crazy or if I am missing something. I can guess what any of you readers will say to this. ;-) CF suffers from the above type of inertia, I think. My sister rightly challenged my seemingly long list of complaints about my relationship with CF, particularly in regard to the fact that he has not finished his dissertation, to figure out why I get so worked up about the fact that he has not finished his dissertation, I explained that his dissertation has been an excuse for him not to do things, or to do them in a particular way, never with a compromise. This has been going on for two years. I still cannot figure out, nor has he shared, why he cannot just get it done. I have spent a lot of time trying to think about an instance in which he compromised or expressed his motivation for a particular decision with recognition of our relationship. Honestly, the only thing I can think of is when he pointed out that I am the only woman he has ever brought home to Germany with him. That was more than two years ago.

Human inertia makes the everyday environment, the furniture, as it were, appear to be a given. -Todd Gitlin

I am not sure what feels like a given right now. This makes me think about what might be 'safe' life decisions. Or riskier, depending on whose perspective it is. CF told me (via email) that he wishes nothing more than for me to find a job in his state and give that state a chance. I replied that I gave my current locale a chance three years ago, but that has not really gone anywhere, so why take the same chance again? I like the prospect of taking a chance back on the East Coast. Near friends and/or family.

Life leaps like a geyser for those who drill through the rock of inertia. -Alexis Carrel

I am trying to take this one to heart. I have been spending a lot of time at my desk and on my computer with the job search, and I feel completely unproductive in the lab. I try to convince myself it will pay off, but in reality, I need to keep being productive at the bench. People say that your research goes on hold when you are looking for a job. I do not think they meant because you have a hard time focusing and managing your time. If I can get a couple of big steps in my research done before the end of the year, that would be awesome.

And that's all I've got. On to the cleaning so that I don't have an excuse NOT to do work tomorrow...

All at once now.

October is packed full for me this year!

I have 10 job applications in so far, and 6 to 8 to go. I have my first phone interview on Friday! CF came to visit. My parents came to visit. I go to NYC this weekend to see friends. I got a new beautiful phone in amber brown that I will activate tomorrow; this phone is likely smarter than I. I accidentally got a white cover for it, so I will have to wait until it tears or stains and get a better color. I have been exercising only a couple of days a week, but when I do I am tired. Climbing = fun and difficult. Jogging = boring and tiring. I am getting my butt back to the research bench, and anxiously waiting for a co-author to email me back, after 3 weeks and a reminder email, so I can submit my research paper that has been finished for a while.

Fingers crossed

I have all these *things* swimming around in my head. While I should be finishing up revisions of a research manuscript, I want to just write these down so I can let them go (for now). After the manuscript, it is on to job applications this weekend. That makes me think about life, and what I want out of it. If the job search goes well, I will be moving next summer. That is crazy and exciting.

A while back I was reflecting on why the holidays were difficult for me last year.  Those things are all still true. I spend a lot more time thinking about them than I should. The funny thing is, that every time one of my good friends has a baby, gets married, or gets engaged, I am not sad at all. I am excited. And happy. And wish I lived closer to them. In fact, after my trip back to Boston this summer, my friend/the grad student in the lab told me he thought I had gotten funnier. I think I just happened to be happier than I usually am after seeing so many people who I miss! Oddly, when people I am not close with, or with whom I was once closer, I get sad when any of these things happen. Give me a while, and I can let it go.

What I am having more difficult containing is hope. This sounds silly. Who tries to contain hope? When I think about getting my next job though, I hope that life will finally click. There are quite a few jobs that fit my area of research quite well. They range from small liberal arts colleges to larger universities. A couple of them are larger schools than I *think* I want, but you never know until you get a chance to visit them. Many (maybe I am up to 10 on the list) are from D.C. to Boston. This is prime friend and family land. 10 may not sound like many, but when I was watching the job listings last year, the ones to which I applied were not good research/interest fits. I think this is promising. My CV is better than last round, particularly if I get this paper submitted the end of the month. I have hope that one of these will work out.

I have basically decided that when I get a job, I will get a car. Mine is dying a slow death, but I have a hard time thinking about taking on a car loan right now. The engine seems great, it is all the other extras, like the air conditioning, that make me worried something else is going on. Much to my sister's chagrin, at the moment that ugly Prius is high on the list. I have hope that I can get a great hybrid car. If I get a job at some of these schools, I may need an AWD vehicle though.

I am reaching with the submission of this paper to a high impact journal. Nothing related to this aspect of my research topic has been published, so the story our data make is that much more exciting. The grad student's project that we have always planned to include is starting to work, and that will make this journal less of a reach. He works hard and has been working A LOT to get it done. I have hope that he can get it done, and this journal will like the story.

Maybe this weekend I will give y'all an update on what I have actually been *doing* if you are interested. Off to uncross my fingers and get those manuscript revisions done.

Check! The Manuscript Version

I am pretty good at procrastinating. Many of those things needed to be done; some did not. BUT, I finally drafted, edited, updated, referenced, pdf'ed, and emailed a draft of my paper to my boss and another co-author. My boss is out of town, so I do not know when she will get to reading it.

I finished a draft of the paper on Tuesday and then got a great break with my sister, niece, and nephew visiting. It was good to not think about the paper and go back and revise some before emailing it out.

For now, it is on to another training walk, maybe some baking because it is in the 70s (F, obviously), and job applications.  That's right - more writing and applying. A year from now, I might be living in a city/town near you.