My guess is that many people suffer from the Imposter Syndrome - professors, business people, stay at home parents, law-makers, lawyers, service people, etc.. It is a frequently discussed topic when it comes to women in science though. This is likely because of the rich old white guys' club that got science going (or at least historically got credit for science ans started societies and dominated academia and stuff). I question my adequacy, motivation, intelligence, ability to succeed on a weekly basis.
Intentional or not, I am on my third woman PI. I think I have found the right role model this time. There are a few details and anecdotes that exemplify why. She is a mom. She is a department chair. She has successfully maintained a funded research program for many years. She is an amazing teacher. She said to one of the undergrads once that in the 60s, they were not really into drinking in college but were into other stuff. She made a comment when we met yesterday about my rotating grad student: that he has been working in "one of those high pressure labs" and laughed a little. [It made me relieved that she does not view her lab this way, because that is how I view it too.] But then in lab meeting last week she was able to go on and on (in a good educational information way) about a poster she recently presented and background and relevant asides. All I could think was that I totally cannot do that. I am not saying I am dumb, but I do not know all the stuff she was saying and I am supposed to be a post-doc?!
Then I reminded myself that I am 6 months into a post-doc for which I changed research topics and study system.
It is good to read blogs written by other scientists who struggle with similar concerns. It makes me wonder though, whether there is something I would be happier doing. The one thing I would do if I did not continue in academia is be a high school science teacher. For reals. I have a friend who left my former PhD program to do just that. She was in her second year, did some soul searching, and realized she was just doing her PhD to prove she could. That is never a good reason. Today I decided "academia" (defined as post-secondary education although I think any educational environment should be academia) is just the type of teaching I am preparing myself to do. As my teacher friends are finishing their school years and talking about how they get to stay home with their families, I am more than a little jealous. People frequently misunderstand, or understand and unfairly mis-imply, that the flexibility of academia means professors can get all sorts of time off (and make lots of money, neither point of which is remotely true in the implied sense). Anyway, back to the teaching thing. I think that now my question is: how much research do I want to direct and fund to go along with my teaching?
3 comments:
I think it is a good question to ask - the one about if there might be something that would make you happier. The answers might be yes or no, but most likely it will be a maybe!
Should it really be call a syndrome when everyone seems to have it? In academia we are surround by so many highly educated and intelligent individuals it is hard not to feel inadequate or overwhelmed. Just remember students likely feel just as overwhelmed when they listen to you present!
As you know, it took me a while to discover that I wanted to get out of hard-core research/R1 institutions and go to a small liberal arts college instead.
I am finding it to be a happy medium, and I wonder if you would feel the same.
I love the teaching. And I like that I can continue to do research, but on a MUCH less competitive nature. Of course, as you also know (I think), it does not free up one's summers. Instead, summer is the time when the research is back to being intense.
However, I had found about 4 months into just teaching, that I'd really missed research. So, I didn't mind the super-intense summer. That year.
I'm not sure how I will find just the right balance in the future. But I hope to incorporate my research into the courses so that some of it is getting done (albeit slowly) during the school year by my every-day students and not just specific mentees.
Look around, and be careful about committing yourself to high school until you are really certain. I say this, because I was cautioned that once you enter high school science teaching, you really can't get back into professorial positions.
I still recommend that you look for a Preparing Future Faculty course if you can find one. It really opened my eyes.
I'll be submitting a training grant and my advisor is totally open to me taking future faculty courses and taking those opportunities. I take this as a good sign of her mentoring.
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