Year in review

This is the lazy woman's way to close out her year on her blog - a Facebook application summarizing her statuses. It trails off and forgets the one that says "Jenski will only be accepting mail addressed to "Dr. Jenski", FYI!"

I hope the end of the year has brought memorable moments and that everyone has a Happy New Year! I will be back in 2010.

Housewife FAIL

I like to cook, bake, and clean...and think I am alright at all of the above. Sometimes I am just off though. I have been clumsy the past few days and tonight is the epitome of doing a bad job at housekeeping stuff.

Saturday night I broke a wine glass at CF's. My excuse was that I had stopped drinking at 11 and we left his friend's party at 3:30...A.M. and it was 4:00 A.M. and I wanted a drink of water but the Britta was empty and there was stuff in the sink. When I dropped the sink sprayer I was going to use to fill the Britta it hit the wine glass. CF was drunk, rolled his eyes, turned around to go to bed, and when I brought it up the next day did not realize (or did not remember) that I had broken the glass. Of course these are (inexpensive) wine glasses he has had for 10 years and the week before the one I was using had a crack. Anyhoo, to make it up to him, I ordered some Green Bay Packers wine glasses from Tar-jay.

That is just an example of my clumsiniess. Back to my evening. Last week I had the urge to make Christmas cookies - I am 30 (and do not really know why that matters), have the time, and am settled in here and happy. I do not have any of my mother's recipes (and have since requested them from her), so somehow I got it in my head to make meringue cookies. I mean, how hard can beating some egg whites and baking them be? I know how to beat eggs and turn my oven on. Some recipes are picky about using fine sugar or heating the oven to 250, putting the meringues in, turning the oven off and letting them cook overnight. My trusty Good Housekeeping (ironic title given the evening) has a quick and easy recipe calling for regular old sugar and a short 20 minutes at 300 degrees. I had a few flavors in mind - regular with chocolate chips, peppermint, peppermint-chocolate, and mocha.

My first batch of chocolate chip was great! Eggs beat to a stiff peak quickly, only baked them an extra five minutes, and they were quite tasty.

On to the peppermint. In theory and according to the recipe, it is as easy as switching out the vanilla extract for peppermint extract. Apparently, in my case, this equals a big liquidy beaten egg slop...three times. I have decided to blame it on the old peppermint extract I used. Seriously, it was from my grandmother's kitchen and she passed away 8 years ago and certainly did not cook for the last couple of years she was alive. So I wonder if the alcohol in the extract has absorbed water from the air and just doesn't do what it's supposed to? But I am stubborn and tried a few times. I could have switched to folding in some candy cane, but I used the candy cane over the weekend for some peppermint brownies. (As an aside, going back to look at this post, I had forgotten I got the idea for crushed candy cane on brownies from Spark - THANKS! I do this ALLLLLLL the time.)

Then I decided to let go of the peppermint and move on to mocha. Only the instant espresso I bought was the kind that has the powdered milk in it too, which I obviously did not realize when I bought it. So skip the mocha flavor.

I ended up doing chocolate-chocolate. You can add cocoa powder with the sugar after the eggs are initially beaten to a soft peak. The first time I added the cocoa powder, the cocoa puffed up everywhere leaving a layer of cocoa powder on the shelf and stove top that was great fun to clean up. The eggs were still beautifully peaked though, and I figured I would give the peppermint-chocolate a shot. BIG MISTAKE. I cleaned the beaten egg liquidy slop for the fourth time and stuck with the cocoa powder and sugar on the re-do.

All in all I used about 10 eggs for about 4 eggs worth of meringue cookies. This is what I got.

In addition to this fiasco, I needed to do a load of laundry before heading to my parents' for Christmas. The washer was full. There were a few sweaters in there, so I figured when I took those out, the dryer would dry everything else just fine. I knew I was taking a chance with two sweatshirts and two pairs of jeans in the mix though. I was right. Everything came out a little damp. So it is drying in my apartment because putting slightly damp clothes through another dry cycle is a waste of quarters and my apartment could use the added humidity anyway.

I feel like I had other housewife fails...Well, I put the cookies to cool on the table and of course it left crumbs all over the table cloth (duh). Maybe that is it, it just feels so tragic given it is (in theory) out of character. Time for bed. :-)

A new leaf

It has been a while since I posted (a day shy of a month to be exact), and I am doing quite well! During that time I have walked around thinking about all the things I could and should post, and what I will post about now that I am officially no longer a miserable graduate student.

That's right, it's Dr. Jenski to you now! I moved closer to CF, then flew back for a long weekend for my defense, followed by printing my dissertation and dropping it off for binding. My PhD advisor now requires a receipt that she is getting two bound copies before she will submit the paperwork to the graduate school stating I have fulfilled my degree requirements. BUT, that was all finished as of last Friday! In the meantime, I'm sitting at my desk in my post-doc lab drafting this mediocre post (to be posted from home, I'm trying to set some boundaries), looking out the window (that's right, a big window next to my desk), with a temporary appointment (read: I'm on payroll), before the rest of my training grant paperwork goes through for my post-doc fellowship.

A while back my friend with whom I frequently walked and I talked about writing a book. She was in her first year as a post-doc; I was getting the ball rolling to finish. We had a "business dinner" and outlined ideas about which to write and a few ways to organize the book. It was looking to be a whole bunch of unsolicited advice for grad students. Problem is, then she got another appointment and started running her own lab and my ball started rolling faster and we never actually started writing. I got to stay with her a couple nights when I was back for my defense, and the book came up in conversation. She thinks she's too far removed from grad school now to do it. I think I totally feel like she did at the time when we started talking about it though. I have been pretty reflective about graduate school since I got in the car to drive 12 hours with my cat to move. The feelings of misery disappearred pretty quickly (thankfully), but it has made me think about what to use from my graduate experience and how to start developing my work habits and mentoring style. Be forwarned, in upcoming posts, you may hear about that. Now that I am basically settled in here physically, I also need to get my life going. I haven't exercised in a month, and I need to find activities outside of lab to meet people and socialize. Not that CF and his friends aren't great, but I'm a little too independent to rely on that. I've thought about trying out some churches and maybe a sewing class, but wonder if these are recipes for meeting older motherly types? We'll see - stay tuned.

Time to reflect

I am laying with my cat on an air mattress in a nearly empty apartment. Tomorrow I head out of town for an overnight at my parents and then a 12 hour drive to my new home! I am moving closer to CF and in two weeks fly back for my dissertation defense. I have been extremely eager to leave, if you hadn't guessed, and anxious to have the move work out (logistics-wise).

While I have been finding a place between CF and my job to live, canceling utilities here, setting them up there, reserving relocubes to move, figuring out if I could even have them on the street here overnight, asking friends to help carry my stuff down two flights of stairs, getting my dissertation to my committee, seeing friends as much as possible, I have not spent much time thinking about actually leaving.

Today when one of the grad students told me he was going to miss having me around, then came to help me move with some snacks for my car ride, I realized that I will miss everyone here. That might be a no-brainer, but I just had not spent time thinking about it because I have been thinking about getting distance between my advisor and me. I have been trying to make a point of seeing people, sure, but not thinking about when I will see them again. Luckily, many of them I will see in 2 weeks for my defense and celebration!

This had been some long drawn-out post in my head, but phone calls interrupted my train of thought, so you are left with this. Oh, and this is where my cat hid while all the moving was going on.

Different view

While I have a definite defense day (woohoo!), two papers at various stages of revision, a non-refundable deposit sent for an apartment to move into near CF & my post-doc, packing and purging started for the move, I still do not know exactly when I am packing all my stuff up, have pods reserved to send my stuff off, or have my flights set to come back for my defense (because my defense is the first week in December, it makes more sense to move beforehand financially). But, rather than post another laundry list of the ups and DOWNS of this whole process with my advisor or how much I think about being near CF soon (!!!!), I will post some pictures of that roof I can see outside my bathroom window. I like the idea of taking photos of something over the seasons, and this is along those lines.


There have been some pretty spectacular sunsets over that roof. Maybe I will add to this collection if something different appears.

Pseudo-countdown

I have an idea of when I will be defending my PhD, but no set date yet. WOOHOO! I was pretty miserable Friday morning as my whole immediate family plus my brother's girlfriend were getting ready to head on vacation together. I had a meeting set up with my advisor essentially to let her know I was completely done and really wanted to set a defense date. Unbeknownst to me and true to form for her, she had been collecting my comittee members' schedules to set a date during the week. (This may explain why she did not meet my eye much during lab meeting on Monday.)

There are some nation-wide politics that are affecting how timely my paper can get reviewed. While my advisor thinks it is fair for me to wait through the review process, she said she does not think it is fair for politics to influence that. I am greatly relieved and can move ahead with actually transitioning. I can print out my dissertation!

Who knows how she came to this. She is pretty good at talking out of her butt. I would assume that she thought the paper would come back and we would discuss a timeline for what needed to be done and when I could defend. Several potential reviewers apparently refused to review the paper though, so she had to come up with a reason to back down from her publication rule and let me defend. For the record, I have one publication, one revised and resubmitted, and this other paper, so it is not as if I am leaving with no publication experience. Anyway. I feel better but remind myself that this does not erase how she has made me feel over the past months.

For now, I am going to go pack some boxes.

In the meantime

I have been walking around thinking of my life in blog posts or Facebook statuses...I think I have a problem. Of course, the bigger problem is that they are rarely positive posts or statuses (can I say statii??). I am so incredibly frustrated at school right now. I no longer care if people see me playing games on my computer during the work day. I am trying to plan things to do, but when I am invited to do something find it so easy to talk myself out of because I am tired of trying to make myself happy. They say money cannot buy happiness, but I sure feel like an extra $2-5,000 would make me a hell of a lot happier right now. I have given the rundown of my situation before, so feel free to stop reading...here we go.

I finished a draft of my dissertation the second to last week of August. On the "revisions" (and I use the term LOOSELY), my advisor wrote the date and time of when I sent her the original, but only the date that she gave it back to me. When I copied my responses for her, I added the time she notified me that it was in my box or outside her door because it was frequently long after she knew I had gone home for the day. Anyway. The second round of revisions I drew out as long as I could because she did not need to see it again before I give it to my committee. Seriously, about a month on revisions that could have been done in days.

I had to give a practice defense talk in lab meeting October 5th. Again, I drew out revisions doing half of them last week and half this week. Could have been done in an afternoon though.

I went through my reference file and made sure all species names were italicized in article titles and that all journals were appropriately abbreviated. (This actually was a productive form of procrastinating!)

I have cleaned out my office as much as possible, as the last stuff in here I might need again.

I have one publication, one paper revised and resubmitted, and a third I should get back any day.

I have a funded post-doc position in a good lab at a good university working for a woman who I have a good feeling about (and who my sister heard from a third party is "wonderful").

I received an email from the graduate school essentially saying, "I assume your dissertation is not complete, as I have not heard from you..." This has instilled a sense of hopelessness too. My dissertation was first completely drafted almost two months ago?! Do people think the reason I am not finishing is because I have not done enough work in a timely manner? That is not true!!!! Worst of all is if my committee and post-doc advisor thinks this!!! :-(

I have looked into housing where I will be moving, but feel uncomfortable contacting realtors/landlords if I do not know when I can commit to a lease.

I have been eating a lot, which is bad. But I suppose it is good in that I am not to the stressed-out point where I loose my appetite (although admittedly I am also eating despite not being hungry).

My cat had $350 of dental work done.

My car has about $1000 of work to do.

Moving is going to cost about $1200. I am planning to go with those PODS that they drop off and pick up for you. Less stressful than driving a truck 12+ hours, even with my Dad's help.

My family all leaves tomorrow for Disney World, and I am not going. Ever since they started planning it, I said I was not sure if I would be able to go. I had always thought it would be because I had started a new job though, not because I was still stuck in this miserable place wasting my time.

I have that feeling and taste in the back of my throat that I am getting sick. Let me tell you, a college campus is a big old germ farm.

I STILL DO NOT HAVE A DEFENSE DATE.

So in an ongoing effort to be happy and think about good things...
I actually made it to the gym three mornings this week! For some reason I was getting all down on myself about the two mornings that I kept hitting snooze until I realized this.

One of my best friends just got engaged last weekend to a wonderful man!!!

I get free lunch at school today with the visiting speaker from whom I took Animal Behavior TEN years ago in college.

Tomorrow I get to see my old roommate and her husband and daughter. They are having a joint birthday & brewing party.

Sunday I am having friends over for the Patriots game and making chili. YUM. One of those friends is one of my friends who is pregnant. I love pregnant ladies. :-)

I have started collecting boxes to pack and will start that this weekend too.

I donated a bunch of clothes and shoes. I have some old linens to bring to the animal shelter.

I think that is about it. I am going to go make another cup of tea. This time it will be Kava Stress Relief Tea. It says right on it, "For a stronger effect, use 2 tea bags."

I think it is going to be that kind of day.

A treat

Ron bestowed this lovely award on me. Which gives me something non-grad school related to post as well as another form of procrastination. [Is it still procrastination if you have no deadline to work towards?]It is the over-the-top award. Not sure if I should be honored to get it. I have been a little over the top with the complaining as of late. Whatev.

The rules:

• Copy and change the answers to suit you and pass it on.
• Answers may be one word only
• Once you have filled it out be sure to pass it on to 6 of your favorite bloggers.
• Alert them that they have been awarded!
• Have fun!

1. Where is your cell phone? Floor
2. Your hair? Reddish-brownish
3. Your mother? Cooky
4. Your father? Reserved
5. Your favorite food? Fattening
6. Your dream last night? Baby (not mine)
7. Your favorite drink? wine (right now)
8. Your dream/goal? Family
9. What room are you in? Living
10. Your hobby? Facebook :-)
11. Your fear? Babyless
12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? Home
13. Where were you last night? Yoga
14. Something that you aren’t? PhD
15. Muffins? Pumpkin! (just made them)
16. Wish list item? Kayak
17. Where did you grow up? Vermont
18. Last thing you did? Bake
19. What are you wearing? Sweats
20. Your TV? Off
21. Your pets? Warm
22. Friends? Yup
23. Your life? Stressful
24. Your mood? Bored
25. Missing someone? Yes
26. Vehicle? 60,000-miles
27. Something you’re not wearing? Toga
28. Your favorite store? Loft
29. Your favorite color? Brown
30. When was the last time you laughed? Tuesday
31. Last time you cried? Today (almost)
32. Your best friend? Which?
33. One place that I go to over and over? Campus (BLECH)
34. One person who emails me regularly? 'Rents
35. Favorite place to eat? Rudy's!

Ron, note the one-word answers (aside from the explanations)? :-) I am sure you are all thrilled to read the randomness...

Anyone else want to do it? Go right ahead! I won't tell anyone if you steal the award.

Turn that frown upside down

It has been a struggle to try to find the good in my current situation - you know being trapped somewhere I do not want to be just because, despite fulfilling my obligations and training, my advisor needs to use what she can to maintain some power dynamic she thinks is important. I have pushed to set a defense date and failed and been miserable in the meantime. Since I had my last break-down (I was going to say melt-down, but it was way more than that) the beginning of September, I have had to decide to let it go for the sake of my mental and physical health. Pushing and trying to get out is not worth the mental anguish. I have a funded job, one published paper, one being resubmitted, one coming back from review and my full dissertation through two rounds of revisions. People in academia who I have told my advisor's publishing rule and all that I have accomplished are shocked that this situation is not more flexible.

But because of my efforts to let go of the anxiety and anger, I am very sensitive to other negativity right now. And this may seem like a random segue, but I promise that the feelings I have in response to the shock many have over Obama receiving the Nobel Peace Prize are very similar in frustration, sadness, and almost anxiety. I am not saying that perhaps the committee could have waited until he had had success in his international diplomacy, but I think that people get caught up in their feelings about domestic policy and their overall disagreement with him being president, and that is not what the Peace Prize is about (unless I misunderstand this whole Peace thing).

So here are the questions I have:

Even if the suggestion that the committee is interfering with the health care policy being developed now in the United States by honoring Obama this way, who cares? Aren't we getting involved in another countrys' politics when we and other countries essentially send our military to places around the world? Or support one politician in a foreign election over another?

Again, not arguing that Obama doesn't have a long way to go in his efforts, but isn't it possible that the committee is trying to build momentum to actually achieve nuclear disarmament and international collaboration? How are these bad things? If children are constantly told to stop fighting and just get along, why can't countries be held to the same simple standard?

I think it is important to acknowledge that this is not something Obama did. This is a decision made by a foreign committee. You can not lay blame on someone for receiving a Peace Prize, and it feels like that is behind some comments I have read. Is it so bad that America is rising in the esteem of the international community? That they are encouraging his efforts in international diplomacy, and perhaps domestic issues, because they already hope for change as he does? Are stagnancy and isolationism good things? It is promising to me that foreign countries are encouraged by the difficult discussions going on in the American political arena.

Truly, I am sitting here tearing up because I struggle with being hopeful for myself every day - hope that I can move soon, that my post-doc will work out, that my relationship will work out, that someday I will have my own family and career and be happy. I wish all this negativity and skepticism could sometimes be redirected into positive and hopeful expectations for the international community, because it is really difficult to avoid all the negative around me.

On the menu

Pesto chicken salad
Blue cheese biscuits
Roasted green beans
Bulgar pilaf

First light

This was out of my bathroom window this morning as the sun was coming up. I probably should have taken a picture a few minutes later to show the stark contrast of color (the chimney was gray then, for example). Reminds me that I really should carry my camera around with me to take advantage of picture-perfect moments.

The Missing Sock

In elementary school, I wrote an extensive story about where the missing sock in the laundry goes. As a matter of fact, I think it was called "The Missing Sock". You see, they go to another land on the other side of the washing machine (or dryer, I don't quiet remember).

Since I moved into my washing machine-less apartment, I go to the laundromat most of the time unless I'm visiting my parents. :-) I have lost a couple of socks and laugh to myself a little about that story. Last time I lost a hand towel, which was weird. I figured it fell somewhere between my apartment and getting all the clean laundry back in the car.

Tonight though, I am missing a bed sheet. That's right, a bed sheet. Bed sheets don't go to the other side of the washing machine (or dryer). Nor did it fall out anywhere, I drove back to the laundromat and checked. The owner was surprised because he knows that I'm careful about my laundry. I only recall one lady near me, but I don't remember her carrying anything.

I do not plan on using a laundromat again.

The Ocean

My parents are living near the ocean now. They frequently took us on vacation to the ocean growing up, though we lived in a land-locked state. It's a good place to go.

Earlier in the summer, I created this masterpiece with the help of my niece and my nephew who collected decorative items.This weekend, they also made quite the collection of dead horseshoe crabs. This is the group, minus a couple more they squeezed in before getting their hand wipes. :-)
And this is one of the lighthouses near my parents. It was a beautiful day on Saturday, which makes up for the RAIN today!
Some lyrics for you...

When I went to your town on the wide open shore,
Oh I must confess, I was drawn to the ocean,
I thought it spoke to me, it said, "Look at us,
We're not churches, not schools, not skating ponds, swimming pools,
And we have lost people, haven't we though?"
Oh, that's what the ocean can know of a body,
And that's when I came back to town, this town is a song about you.
You don't know how lucky you are, you don't know how much I adore you,
You are the welcoming back from the ocean.

The good, the bad, and in the meantime

If ever my life is or will be like a roller coaster, I think right now would put those past and future rides to shame. I mean seriously. I think in lieu of a wordy, and thus surely annoying, explanation, I will go with (partial) lists.

The Good

• I love CF, my friends, and of course my family. They constantly check in with me and offer an ear or support or help (mostly because they know I am unlikely to ask) :-)
• Visited CF over Labor Day in the midwest full of several nights at the county fair and his friend's wedding
• I have been cooking and baking more
• I had a nice visit with my grandfather, in spite of recent events.
• So many friends getting married, buying houses, and making babies - it is very exciting!!!
  
• Tutoring Fulbright applicants on their essays - they are so excited about their proposals and motivated!
• The undergrad who worked with me over the summer is back for work study: she's sweet, nice, kind, and any other word you would use to describe a good person
• I have a social week! Old roommates over for dinner, dinner with other friends tomorrow, drinks with fellow tutors Wednesday, dinner with two OTHER friends Thursday, off for a weekend with the family on Friday!
• I am almost done with revisions on my dissertation
• My post-doc advisor has funding she could have used to pay me, BUT I got on a University training grant, so I'll be a funded post-doc (does not change the money or responsibilities, but is a good thing)!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
• I looked into cost-of-living calculators and where I live now housing is 243% MORE expensive than where I will be living, plus I will be making a tad more money...I will feel like a millionaire (only make less money than an actual millionaire)
  

The Bad

• I will sum up one of the bads with one word: advisor. I do not even care to try to explain. I just wish she was more forthcoming and less of a beeeee-atch
• Reviews on one paper came back today. I actually do not need to do any more experiments I think (GOOD!), but extensive rewriting...and the word limit is 2500 so I might as well just rewrite from scratch
• Still waiting on reviews on THE paper that "has to be accepted for publication in order to defend"...My outside member thought the manuscript had interesting data but was premature. If she had liked it, my committee would have "been more comfortable scheduling a defense date" soon
• I still don't have a defense date
• I feel stuck. I cannot tell my landlord when I will move out. I cannot figure out where I will live. I cannot schedule a moving truck or PODS. I cannot decide if I will go on a family vacation at the end of October.
• I have to get my cat's teeth cleaned. I blame her bad oral hygiene on her previous owners
• I have a 60,000 mile check and brakes to do on my car
• I made my grandfather cry by telling him not to say mean things about my Mom and to call her instead of making stuff up about what he thinks she is doing with his money. (I made a joke and amde him laugh before I left)
  

In the Meantime

• I am trying to reclaim my life
• A long overdue and quite nice haircut
• An 80-degree day tomorrow that I believe calls for one last pedicure
• Dinner parties at home with different groups of friends
• Cleaning my apartment from top to bottom (I rather enjoy this)
• Cleaning out my office and filling the recycle bin several times with stuff I do not need to keep
• Cleaning out at home to make moving easier when I get to actually move (i.e.purging)

A whole new level

I am a bit addicted to Facebook. I blame it on the fact that almost a year ago, the class that I took where I met CF started using Facebook as one of the ways to have an online chat for the course.

I do use some of the applications - my sister and I average a game of scrabble a week, there is Bejeweled Blitz, and I play FarmTown.

I try not to have too many people who I do not really know as friends. There is one girl in particular who I am not sure if I know who she is, but I feel bad for deleting her!

My parents are on there. My Uncle.

Now though? Now I am friends with the pastor emeritus from the church I grew up in.

Entertainment

Guess where the birds are in the morning?
It might be the roof of the neighboring house...

One way to look at it

I was skimming through an article titled "The mystery of Chernobyl" about how wildlife seems to flourish in areas of nuclear fallout. I think this is an interested take on that:

The natural world "would welcome nuclear waste as the perfect guardian against greedy developers… the preference of wildlife for nuclear-waste sites suggests that the best sites for its disposal are the tropical forests and other habitats in need of a reliable guardian against their destruction by hungry farmers and developers" - James Lovelock, the creator of the Gaia theory

I mean, the only benefit of those radiation levels that I can see is the exclusion of humans from the area. Just because the bear population is larger in the exclusion area than outside (mentioned in the article), does not mean that they are healthy populations. It may just mean they do not face competition for resources. Some people think the Gaia theory is a little cooky, but it is something to think about.

Did you know?

There's a Pete's Dragon: High-flying edition with bonus features?? And you could win it if you go here. I mean, is there anyone out there over the age of, oh, let's go with 26 who didn' t watch this when they were a kid???

A rough year

There have been so many not only famous, but highly influential people passing away lately. The Kennedy's, America's "Royal Family" as some say, have had their fair share lately. Eunice Kennedy Shriver who recently passed spearheaded the Special Olympics, her husband critical in the formation of the Peace Corps. Now Ted Kennedy is gone, and although he does not have a spotless record, you cannot deny that the man did all he could to better the lives of anyone he could reach. There are countless personal stories I have heard on the radio all day and read in the paper about how he did things in person and people would get personal notes from him and he made phone calls to people. He helped one of my friends get her stolen identity back!

I do not really have anything personal to say, but I felt like I should say something about Kennedy dying, as he is so influential. I think my grandmother is probably very sad about this, as she is quite the liberal grandmother! From my sense, he is the last Kennedy who was such a strong presence in politics, with no other family members ready to take the helm. It will be interesting to see how this changes the political environment at the national level. Maybe a health care bill with his name on it?

I like the way the Red Sox president put it best:

I am certain that, if United States Senators had numbers like players, we would be retiring his number today—perhaps all of baseball would be retiring his number.

Picture perfect moment

And something a little lighter...
Okay, so this was not exactly the picture perfect moment I wanted to take a picture of, but it was right around the corner. Those clouds and the rainbow in the background were looking rather beautiful as I drove down the highway. Then, I come around a corner and there was a small farm with two white silos and the clouds and rainbow perfectly placed behind.

Too bad I was going 75 mph at the time, but you can try to picture it!

Sad and frustrating

Way to title a blog post, huh? Also, don't read this unless you like reading blog venting. Or do read it and then be annoyed that I'm venting, but don't say I didn't warn you.

Back story: My grandmother passed away 8 years ago. All through these 8 years, my Mom has visited my grandfather twice a month (it's about an hour drive each way for her), helped him with his bills, had lunch with him, helped him out as she can, and visited with him. He is in his 80s, and I am sure does not know what to do with himself half the time. He sold a guitar he had when he was a young whipper-snapper...only my Mom had specifically asked him not to because she had so many fond memories of listening to him play and sing and it was a beautiful guitar and she wanted to have it when he was gone. He also sold a victrola and records that HE remembered turning the crank on when he was a kid...for some ridiculously low price, but he just needed to get rid of it. Actually, every time he has sold something, it sounds like the buyer gets an unfair deal. Who would really tell an old man that he should be selling these things for more though I guess.

My grandfather is on his second girlfriend now. The first was kinda bossy like my grandmother, but maintained her independence. She did not like my grandfather to eat desserts because she was diabetic. Then she passed away a couple of years ago. Her family was not in the area and truly appreciated the time my grandfather and she had spent together. She had Alzheimers, so I am sure it was hard for my grandfather as she deteriorated.

I think it has been less than a year with this new woman. She is younger - knows how to use a computer even! She is also bossy (I guess that is what my grandfather likes), but is living off my grandfather now. My grandfather bought rings for them both after they had been spending time together for maybe a month? Then a trailer so they could move in together. (and sold the hot tub that came with it for a few hundred dollars - see a trend?) Then he got sick for a few months, and the trailer did not work for rescue to get a stretcher in. So then they just moved into a first floor apartment. He bought a car; put her name on the deed. Gave her some big check "because she deserved it". Sent my mom a letter through a lawyer suggesting she had done something inappropriate with checks that were meant for my grandmother's trust - checks she had given to my grandfather to bring to the bank - and I do not think she has spoken to him in the three weeks since.

That is the back story. Here is my part of the story. I have not always been good about visiting my grandparents, particularly my grandmother on my Dad's side because the REST of his family lives nearby her. My grandfather I visit when I am going to travel abroad or I had gone with my mom a few times and we see him on holidays. Mother's Day, it was my sister's idea to go visit him and put flowers at my grandmother's grave. Then when he was sick, we put together a photo book from Kodak with pictures from the past year (HIGHLY recommend this gift idea for aging relatives who do not need much else).

I am participating in my sixth 50-mile walk to raise money for Multiple Sclerosis (which my Mom has). I sent letters asking for donations to all my relatives as I always have. In the past, my grandfather has chosen to give me between $200 and $300 dollars, and I truly appreciate the generosity. This year, he and his girlfriend each sent me a check for $10. This puts me $20 closer to the minimum I am supposed to raise, and that I truly appreciate as well.

What bothers me is the TYPED letter that came with it. If my grandfather saw a computer on the side of the road, he probably would not be able to tell you that it was a computer, let alone plug it in and turn it on. Excerpts from the letter: "You should be proud proud of yourself for all your hard work." [I want HIM to be proud?!] "finances for christmas are limited this year - I do not want anything for myself." [Whatever, you're my grandfather. I like trying to think of something you'd enjoy but don't want. Also, teach your girlfriend to type Christmas with a capital 'C'.] This is the kicker: "Due to differences with your mother and I - my contact with the family will be limited."

WTF - Differences? What differences? He sends a letter to my mom through a lawyer instead of talking to her, gives me $10 towards a disease his own daughter has lived with for over 20 years. and doesn't want to see his grandchildren or great-grandchildren anymore because ?

I do not even know what to say. My grandmother is probably rolling over in her grave right now. It makes me feel that much more guilty that I have not visited more, because maybe he would realize that that is ridiculous. My niece and my nephew have a great-grandfather, and he and his girlfriend are choosing to take that away. I do not know if I should let it go, write back, or seriously show up on his doorstep tomorrow. I can't believe that he wrote or even spoke this letter because he does not use the type of language that is in it. I will obviously write a thank-you for the donation, but do not know what else to write on it. I feel like showering him with familial love just to put him in his place.

I seriously feel like I just lost my grandfather.

Odd

Apparently, Hillary got mad in the Congo and showed real emotion. Those tears during the primaries though? Probably not real? So she can be mad because she is perceived as a b^%ch, but show some stereotypically female emotion involving tears and it cannot be true? Whatevs.

"Did her eyes well up with real or manufactured tears right before the New Hampshire primary? The truth about that moment is still up for debate...But there is no doubt that Clinton’s pique was very real in Africa, when she replied testily to a question from a Congolese college student."

Apparent take-home message: Anger makes her human and tears make her a faker.

Link is in the comments if you care. :-)

This is not meant to be a commentary on Hillary, but rather how people chose to interpret what they witness/hear about/see reported/remember things.

Annoyer

I'm the annoyer. Lexi is the annoyee. :-)
I mean come on though. She could humor me and play with one of the toys?!

Do you think she's put on weight since I got her?

Also, I guess after doing this, I deserved the giant bruise on my arm. (Note, these incidents were WEEKS apart though.) I was petting her in bed last week and she latched on to my arm with her claws before jumping down (unnecessary much?). When I got up and looked at it, my arm was dripping blood. I am pretty sure she got a vessel, because I put pressure on it, it stopped, it bruised, and the hole she left healed really quickly - just like when you have blood drawn. :-( Anyone have tips on cutting your b*&%chy cat's claws?

Like how I'm just posting a bunch all at once? :-)

Lemons?

When summer hands you a cool day, bake.
This is not so much a life hands you lemons you make lemonade thing, but I did not know what the corollary would be.

And these are delicious. I am getting into moving mode - i.e. use up stuff and go through stuff and reduce the amount of stuff you have or will need to find a way to get rid of before you move. These bars were a regular old blondie recipe, but I modified them a bit. I found another cookie recipe in one of my cookbooks that had candied ginger and ground nutmeg in it. So I added about 1/4 cup of dried ginger and 1/4 teaspoon ground nutmeg. I highly recommend it.

For the record, I have also been reading papers and writing bits and pieces of my dissertation intro all day too.

Good advice

Even if your hands are shaking
And your faith is broken
Even as the eyes are closing
Do it with a heart wide open

Still making me laugh

I can't help it. I have to put this up, and hopefully my sister doesn't mind. It makes me laugh every time I think of it.

Apparently my brother-in-law gave my almost 8-year-old nephew a time out outside. My nephew still had access to sidewalk chalk though.For some reason, I think the funniest part is 'DAD' written across the top.

"Break" over

While I was extremely sick a little over a week ago, I recognized that there was no way I could get any work done in that state. It did help me accept that I was going to lay on the couch with the AC, TV, and water for a few days. I had to tell myself not to get all stressed out about losing time that I could be using getting work done.

Then it seriously took me a week to feel normal after being sick. I was sleeping a lot and my stomach was weird and I felt like a bum.

Last Friday though. Friday, I finished a draft of one paper for my advisor and sent that off and I felt like a new person. Went hiking this weekend. Been eating like a pig, so I guess my stomach is good again.

Now this week I want to finish a draft of THE paper I need accepted to defend! Then Thursday, CF is coming and he's meeting my parents. It would be good to have the paper drafted before then and take another weekend off-ish.

Then next week, I'll just whip up an intro to my dissertation (about 10 pages of which are already written). It'll be great.

Spoiled

The boy has spoiled me. For Valentine's Day, he sent me a rose plant.

For my birthday these:
Because I was sick this week, these:

Odd

So I have been home the past couple of afternoons with a fever. My cat thinks this is great. I have also had the TV on, which is unusual in general for me.

Let me preface this with the fact that I have only ever seen a couple episodes of John and Kate Plus Eight, the kids are adorable, and I feel completely inundated with John/Kate gossip.

The Insider just made a weird statement: "John was honest with what he liked least about being a dad."

Ummm, past tense? Isn't he still a dad?

Any sympathy?

I am in desperate need of ibuprofen and a nap. I went to a Punk Rope class last night (http://punkrope.com/home/), which was fun and I felt great, but the gym was a little warm. I got home, showered, and sat down with dinner when my feet and hands started getting cold and a head ache creeped in. By the time I had been home an hour, I had barely enough wherewithal to roll off the couch and slowly walk to bed with my glass of water.

I figure it had something to do with the exercise and heat, but between an hour before the class and when I rolled into bed, I had about 40 ounces of water and a glass of milk. I think my fever is back and I have been resting at work for over an hour. Really I need to get my stuff done and go home. :-(

I would have posted some pathetic status on Facebook, but apparently I sound unhappy in my Facebook statuses.

I think I should stop exercising.

If only.

I wish this woman were my advisor. She seems like a reasonable person.

[No need to click & read unless you are in or are interested in the ins-and-outs of academia. It is a weird career path.]

Really?

Just when I think things are settling down and I will get stuff done and feel good about it and relax, stupid things happen to me. Two weeks ago I went to Niagra Falls. See, here is the proof: The day before I left, my friend told me I had a brake light out. Crap, right? I mean I had JUST been in two days earlier for an oil change?! I figured I would just fix it when I got back. But then, in a small New York town right before you cross over into Canada, I got pulled over. The cop said that if I got the light fixed by Monday night and mailed all the paperwork back, I would never hear of the ticket again. So I did. I got the light fixed when I got back home on Monday, and mailed all the paperwork (the forms they wanted AND a letter from the mechanic), USPS, return receipt and registered mail.

They got everything within a couple of days. I could track it thanks to registering the mail.

I still have not received the return receipt they are supposed to send when they get the mail. It is prepaid postage. It has been nearly two weeks since they received it.

I also got a letter today saying my "Not Guilty" plea has been registered and that I am to show up on July 29th at 5:00 to meet with the Town Prosecuter. They sent it to my old address even though my licence has been changed and I put my correct address on the ticket when I sent it back.

Ummm? WTF?

I officially hate the state of New York for being ridiculous.

Send me back my return receipt; you said in the fine print that was the way I was supposed to send back the paperwork. Log in that I sent back all the paperwork saying my brake light was fixed; I checked 'Not Guilty' because that is what the woman told me to do when I was not sure before sending in the paperwork. Change my address in your system; I filled out the part of the ticket you fill out if they do not have your correct address. Do not ask a graduate student who is trying to write two papers and a dissertation to drive 8 hours EACH WAY to prove her brake light was fixed, she does not have that kind of time, money, or energy to waste on stupidity. I have been stewing over this for an hour when really I need to do work?!?!

NY sucks.

Exhaustion (still)

Apparently, I've been exhausted for a while.

When I get home, I get my lunch together for the next day, pack a bag for the gym (and about half the time I actually get out of bed to go in the morning), and try to get to bed before 10:30. When I really need to be working on a paper, I'm obsessively checking Facebook; when I should be writing letters to the labs where I interviewed, I'm obsessively checking my email; when I should be doing my laundry, I'm, well, just not. While I could be checking stuff off my To Do list, I'm burning CDs onto my computer and lamenting the lack of The Beatles in the iTunes store. What's up with that?

I usually don't end up in bed until 11:00. Even though I have my alarm set for the gym, I usually reset it. Then I go to work and work, work, work, work, work in lab for 9-11 hours with a 20 minute lunch and not drinking enough water or seeing enough sunlight (although it's been raining here for WEEEEEKS), and I get home and my night is shot again.

Anyone want to write my paper manuscripts or my dissertation for me???

I'm going to go try to get to sleep before 10:30 again. Wish me luck.

Buttermilk and berries

I found myself with a quart of buttermilk after making sweet potato biscuits.

Then I had a lot of strawberries. Oh, and blueberries were on sale at the grocery store.

So after my intense use of rhubarb (coffee cake recipe from Good Housekeeping cookbook), I figured I could find enough to cook to use up the buttermilk and the strawberries.

I made buttermilk biscuits to go with the strawberries, of course.

Then I made a buttermilk cake with strawberries in place of the raspberries. This was a good quick simple delicious cake.

Then I made buttermilk berry muffins with the last of the strawberries and blueberries.

I froze some of the rhubarb, strawberries, and blueberries. Who knows what I'll do with the left-overs!

Three course meal

I went to pick strawberries yesterday morning and may have picked up a couple other things at the farm. In order of my consumption this evening for dinner...

Sourdough bread with herbed goat cheese and cherry tomatoes.
Asparagus with soy sauce, sesame oil, and red pepper flakes.
Strawberry shortcake with my own home-made buttermilk biscuits.

Back in the kitchen!

Since I got back from my trip, I have cooked quite a bit. It is nice - although I do miss having a dishwasher!

I had a LOT of rhubarb from my sister. So far I have made strawberry-rhubarb squares, strawberry-rhubarb sauce for grilled pound cake (yes, on the grill - thanks, Aim!), strawberry-rhubarb lemonade, and blueberry-rhubarb coffee cake:
I still have a bit of rhubarb left and will probably take another friend's suggestion: pizza with rhubarb, goat cheese, and nuts. I might add some caramelized onions too. YUM.

I am also having a couple of friends over for dinner tomorrow night and am making quinoa-stuffed zucchini, sweet potato biscuits, and chicken with bulgar wheat.

Chewing gum

While I should be working (and I was, but it wasn't going well, so I stopped), I am visiting around the internets. I was over at Spark's, and she had a post about interviewees. It reminded me of something that confuses me every once in a while: chewing gum etiquette.

A quick recap of the relevant part of her post: One interviewee was chewing gum, and that is bad manners.

I am a gum chewer. I make a point of not chewing gum in professional settings (meetings, interviews, teaching) or when I meet someone new. I do chew it fairly regularly though, and, just as when I eat, chew it with my mouth shut. I used to forget to get rid of my gum a lot when I would teach right after lunch, and one of my older students commented on it in her evaluation instead of just mentioning it to me. I have never forgotten since I read that evaluation!

I actually do not really understand how it is bad manners to chew gum. I would not chew it in the situations I mentioned above, because it is distracting and can make you difficult to understand. I guess in those cases, I think it would be like eating food out of your purse during an interview, and that would be weird. Chewing with your mouth open, gum or food, is always bad manners.

Some people will say to use breath mints, but I find that they only work for about as long as they are in your mouth. Plus, my teeth always feel nasty afterward, even if they are sugar-free. I will chew gum after my morning cup of coffee or lunch to clean my teeth and freshen my breath. I suppose I could be better about brushing my teeth after lunch. Realistically I would not start carrying a tooth brush around with me outside of work just to avoid chewing gum.

Any input? I do think that chewing in a professional or new situation, or chewing gum with your mouth open, are all bad ideas. But when is chewing gum okay?

Who's inadequate?

Alright. That is a rhetorical question that need not answering at any point. (Is that redundant?)

Argh. I am trying to sit here and work on figures for my next paper, the easy part really (for me), because my advisor needs the photographs for a grant. I can not keep focusing though because I keep feeling inadequate.

I ask my advisor today if she has an idea of what she would like from me in two and a half weeks to submit this grant, as I had been gone for a week. She says, "Oh. Nothing you do not have already." I got a little more specific and asked what pictures she would want or what preliminary data she was including. "Oh. Why don't you just send me your job talk."

Only I do not trust her. So I took out all the whistles and bells and left in the figures and told her if she wanted the originals, to let me know because these were all compressed for powerpoint. She sends me some weird email back about the content, and I point out to her that what she seems to want IS IN THE PRESENTATION. So then she makes up more excuses. I am just trying to plan ahead so she does not ask things of me last minute that I could have done ahead of time?!

I just got an email from someone I used to be really interested in working for when I am done. His past couple of emails have been strange (granted I do not know the man at all). He came to one of the job talks I gave because he is in that department, and gave great feedback as someone who is very familiar with some of the things I work with. Honestly, I was scared of making a fool of myself and tried to explain where I am coming from without getting defensive. It is difficult to explain, but he is familiar with both sides of a controversial topic, and I am only familiar with the more vocal side, and he clarified a couple of things "for" me. So I try not to feel inadequate. I sent him a thank you email for taking time to listen to my talk, and the response he sent was somewhat dismissive. I just hope it is not because he thinks I am stupid. I hope it is because, as I have heard from several people in the department who know him, that it is because he is a nice guy and does not just want to say in an email, "leave me the f*&^ alone." I will have to get over this though, if I end up working in his department.

I may have posted about this before, but I remember reading that women in grad school will blame failure on their own inadequecies (however real or not), and men will blame it on the experimental design, saying it is too difficult (again, however real or not). Similar to something else I heard/read once about how men tend to walk over something in their way and women tend to walk around it. Who knows where exactly I heard these or if I am making them up. I always make a point of walking over things though, and I am trying hard to blame experimental failure on the experiment and not my own incompetence.

I am trying not to get angry that my advisor keeps coming up with ideas about potential experiments. Partly because some are valid, and partly because I recognize she is flailing around in deep water trying not to drown in literature she has not kept up with for the past three years. I REALLY need her to just focus and think about me finishing though. When she emailed with some vague experiment today, I emailed her back the experiment I did. Then she emailed me AGAIN saying that experiment is fine, but with "more" (VAGUE) information. So I emailed her back with specific questions, because really, who knows if what these people did is even relevent to what I am trying to do. My advisor likes to make crap up and I am resisting wasting time thinking about said crap.

I think my advisor and I need another heart-to-heart. It has been two weeks, after all, since I had my break-down in her office. Why not another?

[See this post for any thing that may seem confusing or need a reference above.]
[Also, I would come up with a nickname for my advisor, but the ones currently in use are not appropriate to be spreading on the internets.]

Vacation/work

I just got back from a week with CF and two interviews. The interviews were great, time spent with CF was great, and we went to the zoo again. Some peafowl photos I like...
This next one reminds me of recent logos I have had input in designing because one person mentioned logos should not have more than two prominent colors.

Gets you through!

I mentioned I turned 30 over one month ago now. These are the things that help get me through the rough times at school:

Good friends who decorate your office for the big 3-0. Apparently they had the makings for some mimosas, but I did not know and decided to go to the gym and then we had a group meeting. Whoops.
Giving your camera to your niece or nephew. At some point, you just start making funny faces at them.
Time at your parents' house in the woods with friends from all over to celebrate your birthday. We could not burn the giant pile 'o brush they had, so we stuck to a campfire. We even toasted Peeps. I highly recommend them - the sugar on the outside gets crunchy.
Flowers from CF because he could not make it to your parents' house because he had just gotten back from visiting his family (which involves international travel).

Exhaustion

I need to figure out how to do what I am doing right now without feeling so exhausted! I have about an hour of time per day when I end up playing scrabble on Facebook when I should be doing other things and then I go to bed worrying about all the things I did not do. Things have not slowed down, for better and for worse. I keep meaning to post something, but feel like it always ends up being a laundry list of what I have been trying to accomplish. Eh. It is what works for me for now. Plus there are some people who I should be getting in touch with on the phone more frequently, so they can get their Jenski updates this way. I apologize if it gets old, but you can always stop reading. :-)

Anyhoo. This also happens to be my 400th post. I initially started this blog to share my experiences with people I knew in real life about some good "ol'" internet dating so that I would not have to repeat stories. That lasted about six months, and then I decided to try to blog every day for 365 days. That lasted until last August when I went away on vacation. Then I met the boy, CF. Then I decided to try to haul a** and finish this misery that has been my grad school experience.

Admittedly, last fall, I did not feel as though grad school was all that bad for me. Recently, I probably have some sort of melt-down about grad school once a week. The spring seemed to bring an improvement in my mental and emotional state, but my advisor always manages to mess that up. Last week, I was set to meet with her in the afternoon about a grant she has decided to submit on my project in five weeks. One of those week I am away for interviews and to see CF after 3 months of not seeing each other. She also knows I want to finish ASAP. Good times.

I was nausious all morning and stressed out and could not talk to people because I was worried about the meeting and telling her how frustrated and anxious I was, so I made an appointment with the University counseling center figuring I would need it. After I met with her (and, well, had quite the break-down), I was STARVING because I had not eaten all day and the source of stress was over. I almost cancelled the counseling appointment, but seriously, I feel this anxious about grad school nearly all the time, so I did not. It definitely helped to talk about my situation, and I will be meeting with the counselor throughout the summer.

It helps to talk to someone completely unrelated to other parts of your life. She did not necessarily provide any insightful perspective, nor do I necessarily expect her to, but as I was explaining what was going on, I verbalized some things that are surely the source of my anxiety. Hopefully if I talk with her about them, I can let them go and chill out a little when I am with friends and family.

So here goes: I do not trust my advisor. I do not think that she realized how upset I am about school, and I am not sure that she will change how she acts even now that I have told her why I am upset. As a matter of fact, she is being excessively nice to me now. She is also explaining herself in emails and telling me when she wants information or why she is asking something of me. All good, I suppose. But the trust is gone. I am waiting for the other ball to drop...again.

University graduation was rough. I actually almost started crying when I was talking to one of my committee members whose student in my year finished her PhD this year. I need to pull myself together.

I actually have to make a conscious decision to not think about work when I get to see my family. My brother lives on the west coast and was in town last weekend for an interview, yet I felt the need to squeeze in a couple of hours in lab before heading to my sister's to hang out. We visited my grandfather (on one side of the family) and my grandmother and other side of the family that weekend. It was good to get away, but I also stopped at lab on my way home too. [Note to grad students who may have made the same mistake I did: Do NOT tell people that because you are in grad school you have a flexible schedule. What your grandmother may not realize is that now, when you are trying to finish, taking a week-day off to have lunch is sadly not high on your priority list.]

I am making a big effort to get back to the gym more than occassionally. In the past seven days, I made it six times. Not bad! I am sticking with the classes so that as long as I can get my butt out of bed and to the gym, I do not have to think about how to exercise while I am there. This has led to a certain amount of physical exhaustion on top of the emotional exhaustion, but I think it helps me sleep more soundly.

This week I have post-doc interviews. That's right. I contacted three different scientists out of the blue. One interview will be a serious full-day affair to meet each other and see if it would work. The other is at a different university in one department with two different labs. One has no post-doc openings, but is "still pleased to meet with" me. The other does not have money either, but she shared two currently submitted grants with me and we talked about her research for quite a while on the phone and discussed avenues for post-doc funding.

I will be giving a talk at both locations. I have yet to study up on the labs more than I had as of two weeks ago because I have been desperately trying to get experiements done. Fat lot of good that did me because several of them still need to be repeated. My brain hurts. I am becoming intellectually exhausted. I did also mention this whole grant-on-my-project thing? So while I am trying to learn about three different research programs so I can seem smart on interviews, my advisor, after five years of working on my project, all of a sudden wants to have intellectual conversations about my research. Wonderful timing. On one hand, it has me thinking and more ready for questions during interviews. On the other hand...seriously?!

So now, I am going to go put the finishing touches on that talk, work on packing because I head out Tuesday to see CF (and do all that interviewing stuff), finish watching Home Makeover, and pretend that I am not emotionally, physically, and intellectually exhausted.

Different times

I just listened to Obama's address to the National Academy of Sciences. It was good, in that he respects science. Apparently he is only one of four presidents to address the academy in modern times, and he and JFK were the only two to address the academy during the first meeting of the Academy after they took office.

Anyway. He reaffirmed and announced anew several initiatives. One of these is to increase the number of graduate fellowships from the National Science Foundation. This is great! There are a few people in my department who received these, and I am not one of them. In ten years, hopefully they will not be quite so difficult to get. Less competitive, but just as prestigious.

It is like how the SAT scoring changed between when my sister took them and when I took them. Her score was more impressive when she took them, than when I took them. Or when I took the GRE before they started having people write essays instead of doing those great logic problems. I rocked those logic problems.

DElish asparagus

I just made one of my favorite cooked veggies. Asparagus. AND it is easy. Crazy, huh?

Preheat the oven to 400. Mix some soy sauce, sesame oil, sesame seeds, and red pepper flakes. Pour over the asparagus in a pan. Cook about 20 to 25 minutes.

I would post a picture, but it is all gone.

So much to do, so little time

Recently I forget there is anything out there on the internet except email and Facebook. I am slowly trickling back to some of my regular blog reads, but mainly as a source of procrastination. I really don't know what one thing to post about right now, so apologize for the rambling. The past two weeks have been packed full of my advisor returning from vacation, me NOT having to be a TA in the fall, me likely being able to start a post doc in September (I am trying to be cautiously optimistic), having two good phone interviews for said post doc positions, turning 30, spending a weekend with family and friends at my parents' house (FUN), getting two birthday flower deliveries (my parents and the boy), sudden high 80s outside that make me miss the snow a bit, the breaking out of my summer clothes, sewing some beanbags for my niece's birthday party (she turned 5 the same day I turned 30), actually keeping up on some local news and my Red Sox, ummmm....I'm sure there was more, like eating, sleeping, hitting the snooze and not going to the gym, sometimes going to the gym, having a cold, trying to keep the momentum up at work, suspecting I actually may have allergies this year, dim sum (yum!)...

And now, laughing at the irony that a man was just interviewed on the news who is traveling in Mexico and out and about because his health care conference was canceled for the day. He said he is wearing a mask but still visiting tourist attractions despite the swine flu outbreak . Maybe they should not have canceled the health care seminars to keep attendees from going out to visit tourist spots?

Once a week

I have only been turning my TV on once a week - and depending on the family being helped, Home Makeover Extreme Edition makes me cry once a week. Interestingly, last year Easter, I ended my post with that. Man, today's was a tear-jerker.

The couple had a son and then adopted six special needs children from China. The father was diagnosed with a brain tumor and underwent treatment. Then it came back and they filmed their application for the show. The day before Ty and his crew show up, the Dad takes a turn for the worse and is in the hospital. At one point when they are building the house, the Dad is able to talk on the phone with Ty. He knows his family will have a safe new home. He does not make the revealing though, and a few days after the family moves in, he passes away.

Strangely I was thinking of my Grandma, who has been gone 8+ years, earlier today. She also had a brain tumor.

I don't know why I did not actually cry at the end of tonight's episode. When my Grandma passed, she knew there was a great-grandson on the way though, and I am sure that made her happy. This man knew his family was taken care of and had a new home. I can only imagine that this fact made it easier for him to let go. It seemed like an appropriate episode to air on Easter.

I am not sure where else to go with that. I hope everyone has had a good Spring holiday season. Happy Easter and Passover.

[Note: that would be my sister's son, in case there is any confusion about how I've never mentioned having a child here.]

Time to rethink

I took the weekend off from actually going into lab...and, well, work in general aside from a few hours of data analysis today. I did ALL of my laundry, switched to my warm-weather comforter, and cleaned my ENTIRE apartment yesterday. It was a little disturbing how much cat hair I swept up, especially because I do sweep at least once a week. While I was picking up all this hair, I thought that if this grad school thing did not work out, I could add "Pet Hair Abatement" to my list of Plan B's. Looks like I should rethink this though. Check out these little hair clumps I found this morning. Grrr....

My (current) story

I had such a hard time trying to come up with an appropriate title for this post and how to frame whatever I wanted to write. I have been so busy lately that I nearly forgot there was a blog with my (pseudo)name on it!

For those of you in grad school or know someone in grad school or merely read blogs that mention grad school, you may have figured out that there is an endless supply of misery. People say this is just how grad school is. There ARE people out there who are in grad school and happy about it though! Maybe they just do not need blogs to talk about it. It is tough to figure out if my moments of near anxiety attacks, occasional break-downs, and frustrated attempts to be happy are all due to graduate school. I am getting older after all, and life changes, and other things about my life have changed since I started. I am usually happy when I am away from graduate school and (maybe wrongly) attribute happier days at school to the absence of my advisor. And I am not miserable all the time. When I get good results or hang out with my fellow grad school friends or walk home from campus in beautiful weather, I am happy. My advisor is away for two more weeks, I am being productive, I am crazy busy. I am actually pretty happy right now.

A week before she left, I had a committee meeting. These meetings actually make me extremely anxious now because I never know how they will turn out. Right before that meeting, a lab mate decided to apologize about something, I thanked her, and then she kept pushing. She was so argumentative, that I finally had to tell her I could not talk to her, I had a committee meeting, and walked away from her while she was mid-sentence. So I had about 15 minutes to take deep breaths and fend off the tears. I was already high-strung. I did not need that. (Come to find out she had no idea I had a committee meeting and proceeded to go to her office and cry because she felt so guilty. Whatever.)

I pulled myself together and had a decent meeting. I can usually put on a good facade depending on the situation. I had begun to doubt this when I all but let the tears fall in front of my advisor a few weeks ago, something I almost loath myself for because heaven forfend she smells weakness! Anyway, we discussed my data for over an hour. For real. This may seem like it would be part of any meeting where you present experiments and results, but I think this is the first time I trully felt like we were all focused on what I can show and what I might be able to show and what one could show with other techniques. I have some beautiful data that can only be analyzed to a certain extent. One of my committee members said the following: "Tell me what this means to you in, oh, 3 sentences...okay. Does that answer the question you set out to ask?" [YES!] "Okay. Is there any reason to continue these experiments?" [NOOOOOOOO!] Translation: I can stop these experiments; this committee member knows that I am ready to finish; and my advisor can't try to make up crap around this experiment for me to do. Sweet.

With 10 minutes left and being all talked out, I got a little nervous about what I knew I had to say to them or I would never forgive myself. I told them that for many reasons I really want to finish in August and would really appreciate it if they all discussed that as a group. One member, and the department chair, asked what some of those reasons are. My advisor butted in and said that of course that all depended on when my next paper gets accepted (some silly ridiculous "rule" of hers). I proceeded to ignore her comment and tell them that aside from that, my lease is up August 31st, if I am here in the fall I have to pay for the student health insurance for a full year and I would have to TA an eleventh semester. I did not mention my current relationship, because, despite what my advisor may truly believe or want to insinuate, I am pushing to finish because I am ready to finsih. I was not nearly as confident as I had been discussing my data though. They listened. Said okay. And I left. I almost did not make it to my office before the relief and tears came. As a funny aside, the somewhat older faculty member who goes through my office to get to his office unlocked the door and came through while I was crying. That will make the waterworks stop!

Okay. Fast forward. No committee meeting summary before my advisor leaves for vacation meant no feedback from my committee, or made up feedback from my advisor, following this meeting. I REALLY want to finish. I just spoke with that committee member and department chair the other day. I got a little emotional but held it together. This is a woman who I have always respected and would love her life. She has done and said innappropriate things to my labmate though, so I cross my fingers she will not turn on me everytime I speak with her. I think she still likes me.

She told me it would be a failure on their part if they did not get me through the program.

She said I am a model student.

She said I would not have to TA again, no matter what, even if she had to pay me out of her own pocket, so I could just stop worrying about that. (Yes, Ma'am!)

She said, "your advisor would kill me if she knew I was saying this," but start writing.

She thinks it is feasible for me to finish in August with a good amount of work on my part, and worse case scenerio I can always come back to defend.

She repeatedly emphasized that I must focus on me and getting my work done. Without "ordering" me to put a halt to my other two responsibilities outside of the department, she made it clear that this is critical. She even implied that I should not dedicate too much time to the undergrad who works with me.

I am trying to now let go of any anxiety I feel surrounding graduate school and my advisor. This helped a lot. Now, I have to stay focused on the light at the end of the tunnel.

Keep your fingers crossed.

Falling is like this

I have to post to whole song...
you give me that look that's like laughing
with liquid in your mouth
like you're choosing between choking
and spitting it all out
like you're trying to fight gravity
on a planet that insists
that love is like falling
and falling is like this

feels like reckless driving when we're talking
it's fun while it lasts, and it's faster than walking
but no one's going to sympathize when we crash
they'll say "you hit what you head for, you get what you ask"
and we'll say we didn't know, we didn't even try
one minute there was road beneath us, the next just sky

i'm sorry i can't help you, i cannot keep you safe
i'm sorry i can't help myself, so don't look at me that way
we can't fight gravity on a planet that insists
that love is like falling
and falling is like this.
Also, Happy Spring!