My (current) story

I had such a hard time trying to come up with an appropriate title for this post and how to frame whatever I wanted to write. I have been so busy lately that I nearly forgot there was a blog with my (pseudo)name on it!

For those of you in grad school or know someone in grad school or merely read blogs that mention grad school, you may have figured out that there is an endless supply of misery. People say this is just how grad school is. There ARE people out there who are in grad school and happy about it though! Maybe they just do not need blogs to talk about it. It is tough to figure out if my moments of near anxiety attacks, occasional break-downs, and frustrated attempts to be happy are all due to graduate school. I am getting older after all, and life changes, and other things about my life have changed since I started. I am usually happy when I am away from graduate school and (maybe wrongly) attribute happier days at school to the absence of my advisor. And I am not miserable all the time. When I get good results or hang out with my fellow grad school friends or walk home from campus in beautiful weather, I am happy. My advisor is away for two more weeks, I am being productive, I am crazy busy. I am actually pretty happy right now.

A week before she left, I had a committee meeting. These meetings actually make me extremely anxious now because I never know how they will turn out. Right before that meeting, a lab mate decided to apologize about something, I thanked her, and then she kept pushing. She was so argumentative, that I finally had to tell her I could not talk to her, I had a committee meeting, and walked away from her while she was mid-sentence. So I had about 15 minutes to take deep breaths and fend off the tears. I was already high-strung. I did not need that. (Come to find out she had no idea I had a committee meeting and proceeded to go to her office and cry because she felt so guilty. Whatever.)

I pulled myself together and had a decent meeting. I can usually put on a good facade depending on the situation. I had begun to doubt this when I all but let the tears fall in front of my advisor a few weeks ago, something I almost loath myself for because heaven forfend she smells weakness! Anyway, we discussed my data for over an hour. For real. This may seem like it would be part of any meeting where you present experiments and results, but I think this is the first time I trully felt like we were all focused on what I can show and what I might be able to show and what one could show with other techniques. I have some beautiful data that can only be analyzed to a certain extent. One of my committee members said the following: "Tell me what this means to you in, oh, 3 sentences...okay. Does that answer the question you set out to ask?" [YES!] "Okay. Is there any reason to continue these experiments?" [NOOOOOOOO!] Translation: I can stop these experiments; this committee member knows that I am ready to finish; and my advisor can't try to make up crap around this experiment for me to do. Sweet.

With 10 minutes left and being all talked out, I got a little nervous about what I knew I had to say to them or I would never forgive myself. I told them that for many reasons I really want to finish in August and would really appreciate it if they all discussed that as a group. One member, and the department chair, asked what some of those reasons are. My advisor butted in and said that of course that all depended on when my next paper gets accepted (some silly ridiculous "rule" of hers). I proceeded to ignore her comment and tell them that aside from that, my lease is up August 31st, if I am here in the fall I have to pay for the student health insurance for a full year and I would have to TA an eleventh semester. I did not mention my current relationship, because, despite what my advisor may truly believe or want to insinuate, I am pushing to finish because I am ready to finsih. I was not nearly as confident as I had been discussing my data though. They listened. Said okay. And I left. I almost did not make it to my office before the relief and tears came. As a funny aside, the somewhat older faculty member who goes through my office to get to his office unlocked the door and came through while I was crying. That will make the waterworks stop!

Okay. Fast forward. No committee meeting summary before my advisor leaves for vacation meant no feedback from my committee, or made up feedback from my advisor, following this meeting. I REALLY want to finish. I just spoke with that committee member and department chair the other day. I got a little emotional but held it together. This is a woman who I have always respected and would love her life. She has done and said innappropriate things to my labmate though, so I cross my fingers she will not turn on me everytime I speak with her. I think she still likes me.

She told me it would be a failure on their part if they did not get me through the program.

She said I am a model student.

She said I would not have to TA again, no matter what, even if she had to pay me out of her own pocket, so I could just stop worrying about that. (Yes, Ma'am!)

She said, "your advisor would kill me if she knew I was saying this," but start writing.

She thinks it is feasible for me to finish in August with a good amount of work on my part, and worse case scenerio I can always come back to defend.

She repeatedly emphasized that I must focus on me and getting my work done. Without "ordering" me to put a halt to my other two responsibilities outside of the department, she made it clear that this is critical. She even implied that I should not dedicate too much time to the undergrad who works with me.

I am trying to now let go of any anxiety I feel surrounding graduate school and my advisor. This helped a lot. Now, I have to stay focused on the light at the end of the tunnel.

Keep your fingers crossed.