Dangling shiny objects

I am making progress on my quilt, but have been taking other random pictures in the meantime that I feel like sharing because it does not require much thought to post them. Lazy? Sure, but what ever. :-)

CF visited two weekends ago and we spend several hours putting this puzzle together. I literally had to ask him to stop working on it and keep me company while I put some dinner together. I needed to coach him to work together. Funny thing is, every time we switched spots where we were working, we could get huge sections put together. Team work does work.

I picked up some stick-on nail polish. It works pretty well, actually. I do not think you can tell the extent to which this color is fluorescing pink. It is though. I guess the reason it was on clearance was the polish strip in front was extremely faded to make the unknowing purchaser think it was a nice pale pink. Tomorrow I am going to work at a Habitat for Humanity house, so it will get ruined anyway.

 

My mom special ordered soldier beans and shared them around. This particular type of bean is difficult to find (although maybe not in Maine), but it is the specific type of bean that is supposed to be used in the family's baked bean recipe. I used this one two pound bag to try the recipe in my crock pot, and it came out quite well.

A recent trip to Tar-jay revealed these candles to me. I highly recommend them. This one is citrus-y, and I suppose citrus equals happiness?

While some may not, I TOTALLY get Pinterest and love it. I have bookmarked stuff in the past and never think to go back to it. Or when I have a hankering for a recipe, I spend time searching various food sites for it. I have made a lot of things from my pins though. The most recent was this brownie recipe. Usually when I crave baked goods, it is brownies I want. This is a healthier alternative. Next time, I will probably skip the "caramel" topping and add some apple sauce/caramel flavor/chocolate chips/other to the brownie part. This time around, I also used ~ 1/4 c of honey instead of the fake sugar.

 

I have been buying myself flowers. CF does this a lot, but I just tossed our Christmas poinsettia and the rose plant he had given me when I moved into my current apartment. I saw these calla lilies and couldn't resist.

Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food, and medicine for the soul. ~ Luther Burbank, American Horticulturist

Then I started getting all creative and  put out what is probably my favorite song to play on my flute. (That is not me playing...)

 

Last, but not least, my tea is always inspirational...and apparently I have been drinking it since grad school.

I also wonder if this tea is why I was so tired all of a sudden yesterday evening. Maybe the relaxing of the tea works better than I realized?

One time, my grad advisor made some comment about undergrads being easy to work with because you just dangle something shiny in front of them to distract them. Then the undergrad in the lab actually batted at the keys said advisor dangled in front of him. No joke.

I get it...sorta

CF is STILL not done with his PhD. He STILL does not have a defense date. He STILL has not set up a meeting with his committee chairperson.

He is not taking an unusually long time. Although in animal sciences, they often finish on the quicker end, and at the moment he is at the beginning of year 6. He has a job, several publications, lots of presentations, and, oh, did I mention a job? Not that I am in a hurry for him to leave for the job {sad face}, but still. I still, no matter how many times I ask, do not understand why he has not talked to anyone about a defense date.

The irony is that I totally understand how he feels. I have told him I worry that he is not advocating for himself. I have explained that the reason I finished was because I kept pushing, and even that takes time. I have repeatedly pointed out that no one will come to him to say, "Hey! Ready to defend?" As far as I can tell, I am the only person who keeps asking him these questions and pushing him to finish. So I end up being the bad "guy", but I just cannot help it.

Being a pain in the butt has not helped. I wish I could figure out what would help.

Feelin' the same way

I seriously feel like I am in my last year of grad school all over again. I desperately want to finish the experiments I am working on so I can finish my paper so I can submit it and work on other experiments I want to do [so that other people in lab stop getting to do the experiments I have been talking about...a post for another day].

I spent a month trying to figure out why I could not detect a particular protein after an experiment. Come to find out, I think there was a problem WAY back when I set up the experiment. The problem is, the other post doc thought there might be a problem but had not said anything about it for a month. Awesome.

I need to finish applying to jobs. My grad advisor was quick to respond that she would write letters. Another former committee member has not responded to two emails about it. My former boss from when I was a tech is traveling and responded that she will get back this weekend and would like to talk about the letters. I immediately had a tightening in my chest and had to take deep breaths. The only *problem* I can anticipate is that another former member of that lab is applying for some of the same jobs. She and I have emailed about jobs and I emailed her this week that I was applying to them. Although she had previously emailed about them, I already knew of these jobs so as far as I am concerned there is no reason why I should not apply. She is likely a more competitive applicant anyway. Now I am worried that the boss lady will not feel comfortable writing letters for both of us to the same jobs. We will see.

I then work to convince myself that I am competitive enough, even without all the magic pieces applicants for tenure-track positions might possibly have. I try not to give in to the notorious Imposter Syndrome.

Earlier in the week I actually went for a run hoping that it would help me deal with stress (of course ongoing exercise is what would more likely help). Tonight I am going for the yoga. If that does not work, I will have to drink...after those job applications are ready.

Categorization

I have worked with or around several undergrads. I think they can be categorized in a couple of ways. The combination of the below determines whether or not they are worth your time.

 

Sometimes, even if they are worth the time, you do not get a chance to work with them. Unfortunately, even if they are totally not even close to worth your time or aggravation, you still have to work with them. No surprise that if you want to abbreviate 'under-graduate', you get 'UG'.

P.S. I apparently think I'm too smart to get they're/their/there correct. Fixed in an update. 

Whirlwind-ish

The first exciting thing that happened on my vacation, was that after 13 hours of driving to my parents' house, my 2001 Jetta finally hit 100k. I smiled a little to myself because it happened at the top of this big hill that has lots of stop lights and my car is a standard. I remember driving up that hill the one time I got to drive my Dad's Saab and worrying that I would stall and/or roll back and hit the person behind me. Didn't happen in the Saab nor in the Jetta.

The second exciting thing was at my parents' house. They live on a mountain. In the woods. With woodchucks and bear as neighbors. In the winter you can almost make out the next house through the woods. Well, my parents were not home (I knew this, but wanted to break up the drive to RI). I got there after dark and hurriedly brought my bag into the car, shut the house door, and rearmed the alarm. Then I spent a couple of hours telling myself the sound on the windows was bugs. I did sleep in the bedroom closest to my car with my key (and car alarm button!), my cell phone, and the house phone near by. Then there was a BIG old thunderstorm and wind. Normally I do not mind thunderstorms, and this would not have been much different. Except the TV turned on by itself. Twice.

My car had a bunch of leaves all stuck to it from the wind, and I survived. Then I headed off to my college reunion in the morning. I have pictures of people, but we will stick to a couple from around campus.

 

I got to see Danielle after many years at the end of the weekend, and her friend Sea Queen, who did a fair amount of my training when I was a research tech when she was leaving and whose father apparently works in my field.

Then I headed up to the Boston area and went guest-room hopping and eating and pretending to do work occasionally because my PI wants my paper done (and I do too, but not really on vacation).

THEN on Thursday of last week, CF flew into Boston for the Jack and Jill shower for my Bro and his fiancee. My sister made a great cake (mango spice cake with coconut cream frosting and homemade fondant letters) and cookies. Because she can.

I managed to coerce men into playing gift bingo by telling them there were prizes. My niece and my nephew got to work their first keg - I am pretty sure no cup was empty all day. I do not know about my future sis-in-law, but my brother seemed pretty excited about getting home-boiled maple syrup and a fancy shmancy vacuum. And the night was topped off with a fire in the fire pit, complete with weiners and s'mores. Somehow CF and I hit the road in the morning to drive the 13ish hours back here...not until 9:30 a.m. though.

Anyway. I think I got a lot "done" while I was back East. In no particular order, I got to:

• Catch up on the good and not-so-good with friends from many stages in my life - college, research tech years, and grad school
• Put on a fancy dress and test my shoes for my Bro's wedding
• Visit several restaurants from college and grad school that I miss
• See things I have missed - a friend's house, friends' 14 month old pivot (she saved the first steps for just after I left. Jerk.), another friend's six month old (and a grad school guy friend who refused to put said baby down?!)
• See things I got there just in time for: a friend's ultrasound photo of her growing "parasite" that they just started telling people about, an engagement, a new apartment
• Finally get frames for my college and graduate degrees
• Drink too much on three distinct occasions
• Experience about the best weather I think Boston has had in a row in a long time

Not bad, huh?

Getting defensive

I submitted a grant proposal back in August that would provide my salary if funded. The review of applications and funding decisions are made over the course of months. I already knew my scores from the committee review and that they generally meant "solid proposal with several minor concerns" and are borderline to what gets funded in general. Apparently after the committee meeting though, the individual agency has some subjective/objective ability to decide to whom they give their money, and my PI suggested I contact the program officer (PO) after I got comments back, particularly because I have additional preliminary data.

Only the comments I received, for the most part, are nothing I can address without sounding defensive (I think). There were a few main concerns that came through the critiques.

1. Reviewers wondered whether I was the person who generated the preliminary data in my grant. I suppose I could have stated in there that I generated the data (although a grad student did collect the samples I used for some of the experiments). I think I used "we", and maybe that was a red flag? Writing conventions in the sciences are in flux though, and many people still use "we" even if they really mean "I". Although I recognize that in some labs data might be handed over to increase funding and not all post-docs are competent and sometimes research hits serious snags that limit the amount of data, I had been in the lab 8 months. I would hope I had generated some data. So yes, the data are mine. And yes I had other data I did not squeeze in. I could easily let the PO know this by telling him I have generated additional promising preliminary data on top of the data I had generated for the proposal.

This also made me think about how I should present data when I resubmit my proposal. After all, some of the data will then be data generated by the students who I have been supervising. That requires quite a bit of time in and of itself. I developed working protocols and gathered reagents for techniques that had not been done in over 10 years in the lab (and which I had never done myself). I consult with them on a daily basis and try things when they do not work for the students. While I also do my "own" research, the project I am specifically working on is, in fact, a collaboration that is currently coordinated by yours truly.

2. Of big concern were my mediocre grades in college, particularly in science courses, that were not consistent with my excellent letters of reference. The details of my defense would be irrelevant to the PO, but here they are: I went to an Ivy League school and took 3 to 4 science classes (with a couple of labs) each semester for my first two years. Neither my faculty nor my peer advisor suggested I take it easy to adjust to college, something that likely would have resulted in better science grades. But heck, I even got a B in a physiology class my first year when a bunch of other bio majors were taking introductory biology?! Whatever. I was a B student. At an Ivy League school. FYI to anyone out there giving advice to high school college applicants: Apparently a B average at a more prestigious school is not likely to be the same as an A average at a less prestigious school.

Oh. And did I mention that I graduated almost 10 years ago so all but a couple of those classes were taken 10 to 14 years ago? My references were scientists who have known me since college - mentored, trained, and taught me, and value the research I have done. I think they would know how well I am able to apply knowledge to research. Since receiving mediocre grades in college, I have taught English abroad, was a research tech getting lots of research experience and a publication, was a grad student with all As (or higher!) and finished in 5 1/2 school years while TAing the entire time and being involved in two other activities on campus and getting 3 publications and I just completely switched research areas and would really like a training grant. Thanks.

3. The third concern was just about the lack of specificity in my PI's training plan for me. I am not so concerned about that one.

Of course, these reviews have discouraged me because no one had any problems with my proposed research (aside from questions about who generated the preliminary data) but other details that could be easily explained. While I like writing papers and grants, reading publications and coming up with questions and experiments, and working at the bench, I question whether I want to do all of that all at once as a post-doc and junior faculty. It will be many years before I would likely have a group to do the brunt of the benchwork. I also do not want to write grants incessantly and not get funding. Because funding is so tight, even strong research proposals do not get funded.

Since I read through the feedback earlier in the day, I am once again wondering how I want to use my PhD, how much research I really want to do, how much teaching I really want to do, if running a lab is really what I want to do, if just teaching or just research would be a smarter route to take. So many questions to answer before I can figure out what I want to do when I grow up.

Awkward

In graduate school, we had a student invited speaker from whom I had taken an animal behavior course as a college junior 10 years earlier. I got all excited at lunch when it was my turn to introduce myself, and said I had taken his class, the year, and that I had done my undergrad thesis with his close colleague/friend. I clearly did not do a good job introducing myself, given his response. He was totally taken aback and did not know what to say. He clearly did not remember me, and I guess did not know how to diplomatically continue the conversation. Was I too excited?

This past spring, I re-met a PI who had given a talk at my grad department. She was also the undergrad advisor and technician PI after graduation to a good friend from grad school. As a matter of fact, he was supposed to go to her lab this summer to do some work, which would have been nice because it's close to my current lab, but I digress. I introduced myself to her grad student, then later to her when she came to my poster and I noticed her name tag. Actually, when I think about this situation, I think she was just kinda quiet because she is shy. It was still awkward though because I had not thought out what to do after sharing my big revelation that her former advisee is my good friend!

The two rotating grad students in the lab right now are great. I asked the new rotator what year she graduated, because I have a friend who went to the same small college and studied biology. It potentially could have been awkward because new rotator and I had not talked much previously and I just sorta asked her randomly this morning. With she and "my" rotating grad student, it has never been awkward. We are all science-y people in that we like doing research and talking about science. Even though I would go out on a limb and say that scientists as a whole have their own way of interacting (or not) with people, my lab seems largely made up of people who are comfortable talking in general. That certainly helps prevent awkward moments!

I started thinking about these a couple of weeks ago as I tried to compose an introductory email to someone at my university who I had never met. She is the head of a big center on campus; we will call her Head of Big Center (HBC). HBC formally worked for a female alumna of my graduate department. The alumna mentioned HBC when I saw her at graduation (she was being honored as a female alumna of the sciences), and that I should contact HBC. HBC sent a very nice and enthusiastic email back, and we are meeting for lunch next week. I need to think ahead of time things I would like to know about HBC's Center and how I can be involved to avoid an awkward lunch with someone of influence.

Why are you here?

My grad school department did not have many upper level lab courses (or many lab courses in general) for pre-med undergraduates to get their lab requirements in for med school admissions. On top of that, working on an independent project or having a faculty with whom you work can help get into med school (or any post-bachelor's program, but my school had a LOT of pre-med students).

In grad school I directly trained 3 undergrads, two of whom wanted to go to med school, the other went to grad school. Since starting my post-doc I have worked with one undergrad who wants to go to med school, a recent grad who got into one med school where he did not want to go (WHY APPLY THERE?!) so he's killing time for a year and re-applying, and one first-year grad student.

Three of the four pre-meds with whom I have worked are clearly not mentally present when they are in lab. They are distracted by their cell phones (while others may use them but are not distracted), come in late, do not seem to learn how to trouble shoot after weeks or months of me asking leading questions and giving suggestions, make excuses, and are excessively "apologetic" and "appreciative" (which I attribute to not feeling or being a member of a research team).

When my undergrad was apologetic after being late A LOT this past semester, I finally stopped him and laid it on the line. I actually told him that he needs to be respectful of my time. I told him that while I understand that working in a lab and doing a senior project will help students get into medical school, if that is the only reason he is in lab he is wasting my time. I told him I want him to feel like the project is his and to own it. Was I too blunt?

I am almost to the same point with the recent grad who is killing a year to reapply to med school. I am supposed to be helping him with a technique, but I am not directly supervising his project (the P.I. and lab manager are). As a result, I do not feel that I need to manage his time or progress. So when something did not work last week and he told me he would be out on Friday, I pointed out that he cannot knowingly continue with something that is unlikely to work or provide any answer just because he will be out on Friday and wants something to show for his time. If it was something on my project, I might have told him to start over and I would finish what he did not get to. (Luckily my rotating grad student is performing the same technique successfully for my project; I just cannot figure out what they are doing differently aside from caring.) Today I stuck around for a tenth hour in lab so I could be there when he made a decision to continue or not at the same point in the experiment that we had the conversation last week.

Anyway, the whole point of my rambling is that when I have my own lab I will attempt to figure out why a prospective student wants to be in the lab. If they tell me it is because they think my research topic is "interesting", they will not be invited to join. I find people who say things are "interesting" are not truly interested in those things. Many med students have a familial connection to a disease that truly does drive them to go to med school. While this makes for generic grad school essays, it is a MUCH better reason to do research than just to get into med school. If they tell me they are trying to make their med school application stronger and would really like the opportunity to work on a research project, I would likely have them join the lab because we would at least have a mutual understanding of expectations!

How I distinguish between prospective students being well prepared for the question and truly having an interest in my research, however, is going to be a learned skill.

Oh, yes. The fourth pre-med who was amazing? Well, after high school, she immigrated to the U.S. from a third world country, learned English, got an associates degree, transferred to a private liberal arts school, and paid her own way through all that. I think she had more life experience and appreciation for her hard work than the other three.

Horses and Water

My PI meets with us each weekly, and we give her a printed research report and discuss what we have done, any results, and our plans for the coming weeks. She does not micromanage by any means, rather does this to keep up with what people are doing. I also use this time to tell her how I am approaching my supervisees.

I told her about my issues with the undergrad (in a general manner) and how he and I were going to use online document sharing to allow him more flexibility in his schedule. She said that sounded like a great idea. I also said I think I need to give him harder deadlines because when I give him two papers and say, "read these and cite them in your presentation in two weeks," he does not. (I think that is a relatively hard deadline, but maybe I am mistaken.) In comparison, when I leave for vacation, I ell him he must read those papers, write down any questions about the methods, results or discussion, but otherwise be able to state what the take-home message(s) was and how that relates to his research project. This he did.

I did a LOT of hand-holding and over-shoulder watching with him, but he does not seem to have the confidence to go out on his own or the ability to schedule non-lab but important things. I told my PI that this fall I will start off giving him a paper every week or two to discuss and then transition into him giving me a paper to discuss by the end of the semester. She liked this idea too.

"My" grad student has a fair amount of research experience, including being a full-time tech for the past six months. He is used to doing hands-on stuff full time. This is how I was when I started graduate school after being a tech for two years. So I did nearly full-time lab work on top of my classes because I needed to feel productive. (And hey, I have three papers published from my dissertation work, so maybe it paid off?) Anyway, I told my PI that I am pretty confident about his ability and knowledge, and that I gave him a fairly detailed protocol for Western blots up to a particular point. I told him (two weeks ago) that he needed to fill in the protocol with recipes and details before we got started and gave him three specific resources and his former post-doc supervisor did protein work and he was going to email said post-doc. I also forwarded him the information on the reagents I had ordered.

Up to this week, when we(/he) needed to do the protein extraction, he had not done completed the protocol. I told him that I would "recommend" doing the protein extraction, protein concentration assay, then STOP and write up the rest of the protocol and we would go through it at the end of the week before he continued. He has been sorta working on this, but started making buffers today rather than finish planning out the set-up. I did put a wrench in his initial plan when I told him a particular supply is too expensive to just run a gel for all these different conditions - I am all about efficient use of resources thanks to a mostly under-funded grad school experience. Anyway. I have to keep directing him to finish certain planning aspects before jumping in. And today he said to me that this is a different experience because he was so used to being hands-on busy all the time and not used to planning a whole experiment first and then doing it. Aha! The difference between being a competent and likely independent technician and transitioning into a graduate student. I told him that I totally agree and went through a similar transition when I became a post-doc.

My PI has agreed with the methods I have told her I am implementing. That said, I realized today that I also confirm these ideas with the lab manager in regular conversation. I explained to her today that I was not sure when we would actually run the Western blot because I keep having to reign in the grad student and get him to plan ahead in order to be able to run the experiment appropriately and have to keep stopping him to point out methodological details. She confirmed to me that historically, she usually shows grad students established techniques and explains methods, my PI teaches grad students how to think and plan scientifically, further into school the grad students figure new things out on their own, and she just shows post-docs where reagents are and they are generally able to just work on their own (although she has had to show me a bunch of microscopy stuff).

Take home message: Shove the undergrads right INTO the water or they will not drink; nudge the grad students towards the water when they get distracted; show the post-docs the "Water this way" arrow and leave them alone.

It is official!

All of my grad school papers have been accepted for publication as of the email I just got from that last journal. WOOHOO! I am still going to commencement in a week, but I officially graduated at an earlier date the university has. SUWEEEEEET.

So much for all of that hullaballoo they tried to tell me about grad students leaving and their papers never being published. TWO papers I revised quickly and had to push my PhD advisor to submit. HAH. I am thinking about making a point of this to those who were "worried". Gotta even the balance for future grad students.

Brainstorming

I am the student speaker at my grad school's hooding ceremony. I was very honored when the Dean asked me! I am more nervous about this than I was about my PhD defense though?! I mean you work on something for 4 to a million years to get your PhD, so it makes sense that putting together a defense presentation should not be too overwhelming. Especially when you have spent a few months writing, you are so into your research that it seemed natural for me to put it all together. (That's not to say it was not time consuming to put together my PhD defense!) Also, in the sciences, I am used to putting together a powerpoint with pretty pictures with which to distract the audience...

Talking to all the PhD recipients, their family and friends, and the faculty, administration, and guests of the grad school though? That is intimidating. My goal for this weekend was to brainstorm and start a draft. So far? Nothing. In my defense I am all stuffed up and CF and I wandered around my town for a couple hours and went for a hike yesterday, but still. This is important?!

I have a phone appointment with a tutor of sorts at my grad institution on Tuesday. I really want to get her something by tomorrow so she can see how desperately I need help. :-)

I don't know if I should search for some cheesy quote to use? Should I make it sciencey at all? How can I say something generally applicable without being boring??? I am thinking about starting off pointing out how much more nerve wracking it is to come up with something meaningful and/or inspirational for such a diverse, intelligent, and themselves inspiring group of fellow newly minted PhDs. At least maybe then they'll all give me a break.

ACK!

Giver-taker-backer

Yeah, I'm sure that you've heard those three words from lovers and they fell flat,
But this ring ain't something I need to give you and then take back,
I'm a little more country than that

I decided today that science is a giver-taker-backer and I like the above song. I heard that name on some sitcom a bazillion years ago and it stuck with me for a reason. This post is also going to be a mix of a post I keep composing in my head titled something like, "Validation". Also, sometimes I think science mixes up the order of giving and taking back just keep you on your toes. Here is a nice mix of science doing just that.

My PhD advisor's method of mentoring did not do well for me. My new advisor will make comments like, "Things seem to be going well," "You'll have those results by the conference," "That's exactly what you should do," and "Yes, that would be interesting to know." I appreciate feeling like I am doing something right.

I started getting results at lab. I have some pictures from the microscope that I think are beautiful, but nothing that provides an answer.

My PhD advisor was a stickler (sorta) when it came to the timing of publishing and defending. Within this week though, I finished proofing the [in press] version of one manuscript and the last small paper was accepted with minor revisions. All that disagreement over how defending and publishing would go with her, and it ends well.

Sometimes I think science just pushes you down until you are ready to quit and then gives you something good to keep you going. Science should be more country than that.

You be the judge

My PhD advisor was SUPER stubborn about having our first author papers accepted for publication before she would consider setting a defense date. Now, I was only her second PhD student, and my friend was a year ahead of me as her first PhD student. Some of her actions I believe were a result of the lack of experience she had mentoring grad students. I do not remember the timing, but within the week before my friend defended, her paper was accepted for publication, and our advisor informed her that she was lucky. I pushed my advisor hard to defend, had a post-doc and was awarded a spot on the university's training grant, so she reached a point that she could no longer rationalize keeping me there. Also, I had a first author paper in my third year, so we were trying to get my second (and a communication short paper) accepted. She also tended to blame a lack of communication and timing of paper submission on us.

Okay. Looking at my email history. She sent me an email around Thanksgiving suggesting that we get my paper submitted before I defend. I sent her all the files in a single email clearly labeled and suggested she look through them before submitting. The paper was not submitted before I defended. A week after I defended (mid-December), I sent her a follow up email about this and the communication paper. She emails me two days before Christmas to tell me she has not had time to submit (the finalized files I sent her three weeks earlier). Then January 5th she emails me requesting a whole bunch of the files for submission and attaches three earlier versions of the figures.

After I cooled off, the next morning I forwarded her the email I sent her a month and three days earlier with all of the files she was now requesting and the finalized figures.

Fast forward past two rounds of revisions and finally getting my paper accepted. This morning I am going through the page proofs and some of the lines in the figures look funny. I am looking at a black and white print out though, so I pull up the file. Sure enough she submitted the older versions of the figures not the ones I attached to an email...twice. I fully admit that this is something I should have caught for the first or second revision submissions, but who else should hold some responsibility for communication and timing of paper submission, huh? I sent her all the files together - all she had to do was submit the files in that email.

Also, we only submitted the shorter paper because I happened to email her three days before she had a planned vacation that I did not previously know about. In this email I pointed out that I had sent her a draft of the paper a month earlier and that I thought it was ready to submit. Who can't read a 5 page paper in a month and submit it?

There are a bunch of posts on the science-y blogs I have been reading, so if you end up here and are in the sciences and are curious what type of publishing environment my PhD lab was: My advisor had one paper from the institution when she received tenure. The MS and two PhD students she had (including me) published four papers in the three years after her tenure. She submitted a grant on my project last summer because all PIs on a grant the department was submitting had to have individual grants in the agency's system in order for the department to submit the group grant. She was not ready to submit a grant on her favorite project, so she just whipped one up on mine, NBD. I actually confronted her because she did not show interest in my project and here she was submitting a grant when I was trying to finish and going on interviews even though she had previously said in lab meeting this grant would be on her favorite project. I think if she was as interested in my project or the possibility of continuing it, she would have been more interested in getting the papers out, but that is just me.

Back to looking for her mistakes in the page proofs.

Myth busted! (sort of)

Americans are known as workaholics. In other countries, people might get 4 weeks vacation from the start of a job and use it. In academia, professors notoriously work long hours hunched over their desks doing something mysterious with only a dim desk light by which to see their work. You have research, analysis, papers to write, review papers to write, a million grants to apply for a year, committee meetings within the department and university, teaching prep/teaching/grading, students and/or post-docs to manage, department and university politics to navigate, job searches and student admissions to keep up with, etc. You may even have a life outside of work you want to visit once in a while.

So is it true academics work long hours? I have a few experiences.

When I was a research tech, the PIs had established careers. One of them seemed as though science was the only thing she could talk about; the other would randomly ask for movie recommendations or discuss travel and didn't really care if we talked about science. They would take their sabbaticals in France where they kept an apartment, so even with their work "trips", life couldn't have been too bad. When they were in town, they would probably be at their desks from about 10 to 6-ish. They would take trips for grant reviews or to give talks and when I was there, had quite a busy lab to try to keep up with.

My PhD advisor was a night person. The only time she regularly was in before 10:00 a.m. was if she was teaching or had a meeting. By then, my friend and I had sometimes been working for two hours already. At the end of the day she would stay "late". Although I think if she thought we had left for the day, she would leave. On several occasions I would pop back in to lab within 5 minutes of leaving, or would be staying later than usual, and she would be out the door already. In the office from 10 to 6 on average is not too bad.

My Post-doc advisor is a morning person. I have run into my advisor getting in a couple of times now around 8:30, so I know she does not get in SUPER early. I really have no idea what time she leaves or how much work she does before she comes in the morning, but I will say that woman is WORKING the entire time she is on campus.

It takes me about 45 minutes from door to door to get to work now (if the commute goes well), so I am usually in around 8:30 a.m., but my commute definitely has made me be in lab shorter hours (8:30 ~ 5:15 usually). Yesterday I had a long work day because of an experiment. I had to do something for half an hour in the morning, then take time points after that half hour at 1, 4, 8, and 12 hours. Because of the 12 hour time point, I was in lab for almost 14 hours. Now I am pointing this out only because when you are in a building that long, you see how many people are around. I would hazard to guess the building is largely unoccupied before 9:00 and after 6:00.

Granted, academia brings ups and downs - when you have a grant due, you are going to be working a lot longer hours; when you are lucky to have a couple of "regular" weeks, you will probably be able to take a day or two on the weekends without doing much work. Even though my post-doc advisor might not be on campus for 12 hours a day, I know she does work at home. So sometimes when you work it can be in the comfort of your own home and at least be around your partner and family. I think that makes long hours more palatable and maybe seem a little less long.

Letting go

Today, I was found myself pondering what "letting go" really means and how I can do it.

The situation: December 10th I printed out on nice paper for ~$150. They printed the entire 197-ish pages in black and white and about 30 pages in color separately. I went through each of 4 copies page-by-page pulling out the black and white figures and replacing it with the color figure. Then I went to a local binder and dropped of the 4 collated copies of my dissertation off to be bound for ~$150, two with the binding to be over sewn (and thus more sturdy) for me and two to be side sewn (less fancy and still fine) to be sent to my advisor and department. The receipt for this binding was necessary for my advisor to submit the paperwork to the graduate school stating that my requirements for my degree were complete (thus I would take it as a requirement of graduation, but whatever).

I emailed the binder yesterday to check in on the binding, what with the holidays and winter weather and all. Apparently the receipt they sent me December 19th in the mail also said the binding was done. Whoops. So I walk over, pick it up, it looks like real books, I bring home the over sewn and leave the side sewn at work (to be sent to my advisor). I flip through one over sewn copy and then notice that the other one is noticeably thinner and have a moment of panic. Only after flipping through the thinner copy, I notice all the pages are there in addition to about 6 randomly placed BLANK PAGES in the print out that I went through page-by-page. These 6 are not placed in any consistent manner - some are before figure pages, some are between text pages, so they are not related to me collating the figures.

I personally think that the weight of the paper for much of this copy is lighter than that I had it printed on as well. I head out today back to the binders and stop by the print place to ask them about the paper, only they think it is the same. Whatever. The guy gave me 24 and 32 lb paper to see the difference. Sure they are similar, but they feel as different as some of the pages of my bound dissertation?!

Then I head to the binders, on the way baffled that I am so worked up about this and slightly anxious. I seriously thought that I would pick up the bound copies send them off and be done with it, but noooo....More hassle to appease my miserable (to me and other grad students in the lab) advisor. I actually cried at the binders. The woman said that the first thing they do when they get a job is clamp and glue the books so that nothing will happen; I maintain that something HAD to have happened, but did not argue as I was already crying and she assured me they could just cut those pages out and you would never be able to see. I did not even bring up the weight of the paper thing. Oh, also, although I brought printed versions to be dropped off, I had previouslly given the binder an electronic version when I was evaluating my printing options. This means that if something had happened in the binding process, they would not have to contact me for a new copy.

Still there or care about the whole point of my rambling?

So back to the letting go thing. On the walk back to work from the binder I started composing this post in my head and titled it 'Letting go and hatred'. Hate is a strong word, but I think applicable in many cases. I do not like being angry, but I would rather be angry than crying in public for the umpteenth time about something grad-school related.

So is distancing yourself from, being done with, and generally avoiding something letting go?

How are you supposed to "deal with", and thus "let go", of something that will forever be a part of you? I do not mean in the sense that it has made you who you are, but in the sense that it is part of your professional training and people will always see that on your CV and the world of science is quite small...

Does "not thinking about" constitute letting go? Because I used to not think about school when I was still a student when I was home or out with friends or visiting family, but I was certainly not able to let go yet!

I feel like the situation is ridiculous. I can see people wondering why I got upset today. All I can say is don't knock it unless you or someone you know had an unpleasant graduate/PhD experience overall (and I mean basically for the period of grad school, not a couple unpleasant experiences here and there).

The woman at the bindery offered me some advice:

Grow another skin.

I informed her I had the extra skin and this is how much grad school affected me on a personal level. And now, I am sending a mental F-you to her.

Off to my new "indoor cycling" class. I figure this must me the midwestern way of saying "spinning". It should be a good workout if I can focus this frustration.

A new leaf

It has been a while since I posted (a day shy of a month to be exact), and I am doing quite well! During that time I have walked around thinking about all the things I could and should post, and what I will post about now that I am officially no longer a miserable graduate student.

That's right, it's Dr. Jenski to you now! I moved closer to CF, then flew back for a long weekend for my defense, followed by printing my dissertation and dropping it off for binding. My PhD advisor now requires a receipt that she is getting two bound copies before she will submit the paperwork to the graduate school stating I have fulfilled my degree requirements. BUT, that was all finished as of last Friday! In the meantime, I'm sitting at my desk in my post-doc lab drafting this mediocre post (to be posted from home, I'm trying to set some boundaries), looking out the window (that's right, a big window next to my desk), with a temporary appointment (read: I'm on payroll), before the rest of my training grant paperwork goes through for my post-doc fellowship.

A while back my friend with whom I frequently walked and I talked about writing a book. She was in her first year as a post-doc; I was getting the ball rolling to finish. We had a "business dinner" and outlined ideas about which to write and a few ways to organize the book. It was looking to be a whole bunch of unsolicited advice for grad students. Problem is, then she got another appointment and started running her own lab and my ball started rolling faster and we never actually started writing. I got to stay with her a couple nights when I was back for my defense, and the book came up in conversation. She thinks she's too far removed from grad school now to do it. I think I totally feel like she did at the time when we started talking about it though. I have been pretty reflective about graduate school since I got in the car to drive 12 hours with my cat to move. The feelings of misery disappearred pretty quickly (thankfully), but it has made me think about what to use from my graduate experience and how to start developing my work habits and mentoring style. Be forwarned, in upcoming posts, you may hear about that. Now that I am basically settled in here physically, I also need to get my life going. I haven't exercised in a month, and I need to find activities outside of lab to meet people and socialize. Not that CF and his friends aren't great, but I'm a little too independent to rely on that. I've thought about trying out some churches and maybe a sewing class, but wonder if these are recipes for meeting older motherly types? We'll see - stay tuned.

Time to reflect

I am laying with my cat on an air mattress in a nearly empty apartment. Tomorrow I head out of town for an overnight at my parents and then a 12 hour drive to my new home! I am moving closer to CF and in two weeks fly back for my dissertation defense. I have been extremely eager to leave, if you hadn't guessed, and anxious to have the move work out (logistics-wise).

While I have been finding a place between CF and my job to live, canceling utilities here, setting them up there, reserving relocubes to move, figuring out if I could even have them on the street here overnight, asking friends to help carry my stuff down two flights of stairs, getting my dissertation to my committee, seeing friends as much as possible, I have not spent much time thinking about actually leaving.

Today when one of the grad students told me he was going to miss having me around, then came to help me move with some snacks for my car ride, I realized that I will miss everyone here. That might be a no-brainer, but I just had not spent time thinking about it because I have been thinking about getting distance between my advisor and me. I have been trying to make a point of seeing people, sure, but not thinking about when I will see them again. Luckily, many of them I will see in 2 weeks for my defense and celebration!

This had been some long drawn-out post in my head, but phone calls interrupted my train of thought, so you are left with this. Oh, and this is where my cat hid while all the moving was going on.

Pseudo-countdown

I have an idea of when I will be defending my PhD, but no set date yet. WOOHOO! I was pretty miserable Friday morning as my whole immediate family plus my brother's girlfriend were getting ready to head on vacation together. I had a meeting set up with my advisor essentially to let her know I was completely done and really wanted to set a defense date. Unbeknownst to me and true to form for her, she had been collecting my comittee members' schedules to set a date during the week. (This may explain why she did not meet my eye much during lab meeting on Monday.)

There are some nation-wide politics that are affecting how timely my paper can get reviewed. While my advisor thinks it is fair for me to wait through the review process, she said she does not think it is fair for politics to influence that. I am greatly relieved and can move ahead with actually transitioning. I can print out my dissertation!

Who knows how she came to this. She is pretty good at talking out of her butt. I would assume that she thought the paper would come back and we would discuss a timeline for what needed to be done and when I could defend. Several potential reviewers apparently refused to review the paper though, so she had to come up with a reason to back down from her publication rule and let me defend. For the record, I have one publication, one revised and resubmitted, and this other paper, so it is not as if I am leaving with no publication experience. Anyway. I feel better but remind myself that this does not erase how she has made me feel over the past months.

For now, I am going to go pack some boxes.

In the meantime

I have been walking around thinking of my life in blog posts or Facebook statuses...I think I have a problem. Of course, the bigger problem is that they are rarely positive posts or statuses (can I say statii??). I am so incredibly frustrated at school right now. I no longer care if people see me playing games on my computer during the work day. I am trying to plan things to do, but when I am invited to do something find it so easy to talk myself out of because I am tired of trying to make myself happy. They say money cannot buy happiness, but I sure feel like an extra $2-5,000 would make me a hell of a lot happier right now. I have given the rundown of my situation before, so feel free to stop reading...here we go.

I finished a draft of my dissertation the second to last week of August. On the "revisions" (and I use the term LOOSELY), my advisor wrote the date and time of when I sent her the original, but only the date that she gave it back to me. When I copied my responses for her, I added the time she notified me that it was in my box or outside her door because it was frequently long after she knew I had gone home for the day. Anyway. The second round of revisions I drew out as long as I could because she did not need to see it again before I give it to my committee. Seriously, about a month on revisions that could have been done in days.

I had to give a practice defense talk in lab meeting October 5th. Again, I drew out revisions doing half of them last week and half this week. Could have been done in an afternoon though.

I went through my reference file and made sure all species names were italicized in article titles and that all journals were appropriately abbreviated. (This actually was a productive form of procrastinating!)

I have cleaned out my office as much as possible, as the last stuff in here I might need again.

I have one publication, one paper revised and resubmitted, and a third I should get back any day.

I have a funded post-doc position in a good lab at a good university working for a woman who I have a good feeling about (and who my sister heard from a third party is "wonderful").

I received an email from the graduate school essentially saying, "I assume your dissertation is not complete, as I have not heard from you..." This has instilled a sense of hopelessness too. My dissertation was first completely drafted almost two months ago?! Do people think the reason I am not finishing is because I have not done enough work in a timely manner? That is not true!!!! Worst of all is if my committee and post-doc advisor thinks this!!! :-(

I have looked into housing where I will be moving, but feel uncomfortable contacting realtors/landlords if I do not know when I can commit to a lease.

I have been eating a lot, which is bad. But I suppose it is good in that I am not to the stressed-out point where I loose my appetite (although admittedly I am also eating despite not being hungry).

My cat had $350 of dental work done.

My car has about $1000 of work to do.

Moving is going to cost about $1200. I am planning to go with those PODS that they drop off and pick up for you. Less stressful than driving a truck 12+ hours, even with my Dad's help.

My family all leaves tomorrow for Disney World, and I am not going. Ever since they started planning it, I said I was not sure if I would be able to go. I had always thought it would be because I had started a new job though, not because I was still stuck in this miserable place wasting my time.

I have that feeling and taste in the back of my throat that I am getting sick. Let me tell you, a college campus is a big old germ farm.

I STILL DO NOT HAVE A DEFENSE DATE.

So in an ongoing effort to be happy and think about good things...
I actually made it to the gym three mornings this week! For some reason I was getting all down on myself about the two mornings that I kept hitting snooze until I realized this.

One of my best friends just got engaged last weekend to a wonderful man!!!

I get free lunch at school today with the visiting speaker from whom I took Animal Behavior TEN years ago in college.

Tomorrow I get to see my old roommate and her husband and daughter. They are having a joint birthday & brewing party.

Sunday I am having friends over for the Patriots game and making chili. YUM. One of those friends is one of my friends who is pregnant. I love pregnant ladies. :-)

I have started collecting boxes to pack and will start that this weekend too.

I donated a bunch of clothes and shoes. I have some old linens to bring to the animal shelter.

I think that is about it. I am going to go make another cup of tea. This time it will be Kava Stress Relief Tea. It says right on it, "For a stronger effect, use 2 tea bags."

I think it is going to be that kind of day.

Turn that frown upside down

It has been a struggle to try to find the good in my current situation - you know being trapped somewhere I do not want to be just because, despite fulfilling my obligations and training, my advisor needs to use what she can to maintain some power dynamic she thinks is important. I have pushed to set a defense date and failed and been miserable in the meantime. Since I had my last break-down (I was going to say melt-down, but it was way more than that) the beginning of September, I have had to decide to let it go for the sake of my mental and physical health. Pushing and trying to get out is not worth the mental anguish. I have a funded job, one published paper, one being resubmitted, one coming back from review and my full dissertation through two rounds of revisions. People in academia who I have told my advisor's publishing rule and all that I have accomplished are shocked that this situation is not more flexible.

But because of my efforts to let go of the anxiety and anger, I am very sensitive to other negativity right now. And this may seem like a random segue, but I promise that the feelings I have in response to the shock many have over Obama receiving the Nobel Peace Prize are very similar in frustration, sadness, and almost anxiety. I am not saying that perhaps the committee could have waited until he had had success in his international diplomacy, but I think that people get caught up in their feelings about domestic policy and their overall disagreement with him being president, and that is not what the Peace Prize is about (unless I misunderstand this whole Peace thing).

So here are the questions I have:

Even if the suggestion that the committee is interfering with the health care policy being developed now in the United States by honoring Obama this way, who cares? Aren't we getting involved in another countrys' politics when we and other countries essentially send our military to places around the world? Or support one politician in a foreign election over another?

Again, not arguing that Obama doesn't have a long way to go in his efforts, but isn't it possible that the committee is trying to build momentum to actually achieve nuclear disarmament and international collaboration? How are these bad things? If children are constantly told to stop fighting and just get along, why can't countries be held to the same simple standard?

I think it is important to acknowledge that this is not something Obama did. This is a decision made by a foreign committee. You can not lay blame on someone for receiving a Peace Prize, and it feels like that is behind some comments I have read. Is it so bad that America is rising in the esteem of the international community? That they are encouraging his efforts in international diplomacy, and perhaps domestic issues, because they already hope for change as he does? Are stagnancy and isolationism good things? It is promising to me that foreign countries are encouraged by the difficult discussions going on in the American political arena.

Truly, I am sitting here tearing up because I struggle with being hopeful for myself every day - hope that I can move soon, that my post-doc will work out, that my relationship will work out, that someday I will have my own family and career and be happy. I wish all this negativity and skepticism could sometimes be redirected into positive and hopeful expectations for the international community, because it is really difficult to avoid all the negative around me.