Stay with me till time turns over
I want to feel my feet leave the ground
Take me where the whispering breezes
Can lift me up and spin me around
If I could I would...
Hear you laughing as we go
Flipping backward through the doors and through the windows...
I'm melting into nothing
28 February 2009
How sweet.
CF keeps leaving sweet links to songs on my Facebook page. For all the songs and lyrics I know, I can not conjure up the appropriate sentiment. This one is quite nice though.
23 February 2009
Changes
One of the biggest changes going on in many people's lives involves jobs. I know people who have lost their jobs, who have turned down department changes to stay home (i.e. lost their job in a less conspicuous way), who have chosen to find new jobs, and who are looking for new jobs while still in jobs. I guess one benefit of graduate school is a type of job security. In some cases, people LOVE graduate school - its flexible schedule, level of intellectual freedom with relative lack of responsibility that comes with running your own lab, and job security. At the same time, graduate school is this amorphous thing that has a beginning and no clear end. How do you figure out when you are done? Is job security the same as working towards no defined end? This part of graduate school drives me CRAZY.
In reality though, I do not anticipate having a tremendously difficult time finding job opportunities following my PhD, as post-docs research move forward just like graduate students. It did occur to me that in two to three years, there could be a back-up of post-docs who have been trying to find academic positions during this whole economic crisis. Oh well...I would rather graduate and search for jobs desperately three years from now than not graduate. :-)
I should probably also put my money where my mouth is and finish that cover letter and CV and send 'em off.
In reality though, I do not anticipate having a tremendously difficult time finding job opportunities following my PhD, as post-docs research move forward just like graduate students. It did occur to me that in two to three years, there could be a back-up of post-docs who have been trying to find academic positions during this whole economic crisis. Oh well...I would rather graduate and search for jobs desperately three years from now than not graduate. :-)
I should probably also put my money where my mouth is and finish that cover letter and CV and send 'em off.
19 February 2009
A yearly tradition
Someone always gives me an amaryllis for Christmas. It has been my grandmother, my sister, my parents, and my cousin in the past. Every year the flower is a little different. I do not have pictures from 4 years ago or before because I did not have a digital camera. Here are some mediocre pictures of the past few years though.
I like this year's. It is not quite as bright as the past years.
I like this year's. It is not quite as bright as the past years.
18 February 2009
Moving up in the world
I moved the office that my desk is in at work(/school)! Literally, I have moved up two floors.
I try not to be too down about grad school here, but obviously fail miserably. I keep trying to think of ways to reduce the anxiety and stress I associate with grad school. I was previously in an office with 12 other graduate students. We fed off each other and gossiped, and sometimes it was hard to stay happy on a good day. My friend in my lab who is a year ahead of me will be finishing in the relatively near future (fingers crossed), and I am now one of the senior graduate students. It is not fair to the first years that I (not alone, mind you) have already tainted their experience. I feel bad about that. I am beginning to think that only pre-qualifying exam students (first, second, maybe third years) should be in that huge office.
Now I will be in an office with one other graduate student who is also my year. He and I get along well and are in a similar boat - we see the light at the end of the tunnel but are a little unsure of exactly how fast we are getting there. Two others in our year will be defending their dissertations in March, and that has been tough for me to deal with. Now he and I can motivate each other to keep working and finish.
Plus, there is natural light (although no windows directly in the office, the door between our office and the adjacent faculty office is always open), I will get a bit of exercise going up and down the two flights of stairs, there is lots of desk space where I can spread out and do work, and it will be difficult for my advisor to look over my shoulder (figuratively speaking) when I am at my desk doing work (even if it is all in my head).
I try not to be too down about grad school here, but obviously fail miserably. I keep trying to think of ways to reduce the anxiety and stress I associate with grad school. I was previously in an office with 12 other graduate students. We fed off each other and gossiped, and sometimes it was hard to stay happy on a good day. My friend in my lab who is a year ahead of me will be finishing in the relatively near future (fingers crossed), and I am now one of the senior graduate students. It is not fair to the first years that I (not alone, mind you) have already tainted their experience. I feel bad about that. I am beginning to think that only pre-qualifying exam students (first, second, maybe third years) should be in that huge office.
Now I will be in an office with one other graduate student who is also my year. He and I get along well and are in a similar boat - we see the light at the end of the tunnel but are a little unsure of exactly how fast we are getting there. Two others in our year will be defending their dissertations in March, and that has been tough for me to deal with. Now he and I can motivate each other to keep working and finish.
Plus, there is natural light (although no windows directly in the office, the door between our office and the adjacent faculty office is always open), I will get a bit of exercise going up and down the two flights of stairs, there is lots of desk space where I can spread out and do work, and it will be difficult for my advisor to look over my shoulder (figuratively speaking) when I am at my desk doing work (even if it is all in my head).
09 February 2009
Random thoughts
If you add me as a friend on Facebook, but have changed your name since the last time we may have spoken 12+ years ago, a reminder of your maiden name would be appreciated.
I wonder how many days in a row I can leave the recycle bin in my parking spot on the street to save it.
I wonder if my cat will ever stop shedding. I brush her and pet her and still, white hair EVERYWHERE. Why didn't our cats seem to shed so much when I was growing up? Do outdoor cats shed less?
I wonder when I will really finish my PhD. If there was one thing I would want to know about the future, it is that. Seriously.
I hope my experiments work the next couple of months so I can finish this summer. I also hope I can get a post-doc. That would be swell.
I miss my college friends. I saw a lot of them this weekend. It was wonderful.
I miss the boy. The next few months may suck with research on both ends. Not looking forward to that already.
I really wish I could catch up on my sleep so I would not get teary so easily. I never used to come so close to crying so frequently. NOT cool. We will blame on the lack of sleep. Yes.
I am getting my PhD for ME, NOT my advisor.
It is weird thinking that my parents are moving from my hometown. I guess I have to get a hotel room if I go back for high school reunions. They have lived there for almost 22 years. Even though I love and also miss the town we moved from when we moved there 22 years ago, I really did all my growing up there.
I wonder how many days in a row I can leave the recycle bin in my parking spot on the street to save it.
I wonder if my cat will ever stop shedding. I brush her and pet her and still, white hair EVERYWHERE. Why didn't our cats seem to shed so much when I was growing up? Do outdoor cats shed less?
I wonder when I will really finish my PhD. If there was one thing I would want to know about the future, it is that. Seriously.
I hope my experiments work the next couple of months so I can finish this summer. I also hope I can get a post-doc. That would be swell.
I miss my college friends. I saw a lot of them this weekend. It was wonderful.
I miss the boy. The next few months may suck with research on both ends. Not looking forward to that already.
I really wish I could catch up on my sleep so I would not get teary so easily. I never used to come so close to crying so frequently. NOT cool. We will blame on the lack of sleep. Yes.
I am getting my PhD for ME, NOT my advisor.
It is weird thinking that my parents are moving from my hometown. I guess I have to get a hotel room if I go back for high school reunions. They have lived there for almost 22 years. Even though I love and also miss the town we moved from when we moved there 22 years ago, I really did all my growing up there.
So little time
So much to write...
I got finished with meetings on campus at 8:00, raced home, and rushed out again to do laundry because tomorrow morning I have to drop my car off for some body work and I leave Friday to visit the boy. Only my laundry was not fully dry because I should have split it up in dryers but did not. So then I got home at 10:30 and was starving and ate a bunch of crap as I hung my dampish clothes up to dry. My cat just wants me to sit down and pet her.
I guess I do not have to turn on my humidifier tonight with all that dampness drying in my apartment. I also talked with my parents and one of my best friends (for the first time since October), so that was productive. Plus, the next few nights I do not have a car so I really can not do anything but stay home, clean up some cat hair, and pack for the weekend.
I got finished with meetings on campus at 8:00, raced home, and rushed out again to do laundry because tomorrow morning I have to drop my car off for some body work and I leave Friday to visit the boy. Only my laundry was not fully dry because I should have split it up in dryers but did not. So then I got home at 10:30 and was starving and ate a bunch of crap as I hung my dampish clothes up to dry. My cat just wants me to sit down and pet her.
I guess I do not have to turn on my humidifier tonight with all that dampness drying in my apartment. I also talked with my parents and one of my best friends (for the first time since October), so that was productive. Plus, the next few nights I do not have a car so I really can not do anything but stay home, clean up some cat hair, and pack for the weekend.
04 February 2009
03 February 2009
How nice
Oh, also, this deserves its own post. I have not been posting much (duh), and certainly not about the boy (take your pick, CF, Cheerios Farmer, Cowboy - long story). I already knew this, but have had several occasions today to remember what a good person he is.
So I am going out next weekend for the long weekend. I have always referred to it as 'President's Day Weekend' on the phone, because really I do not care that it is Valentine's Day. Last night on the phone, he tells me I have outsmarted him. Apparently his female friends pointed out I will be there for Valentine's Day. Whoops. I really do not care about that. Maybe it was my high school years working in a Hallmark Store?
He must have, at some point, say he would help out with this judging thing for an event for 9 to 19 year olds. Turns out it is on the Saturday the 14th, a.k.a. Valentine's Day. So he forwards me the woman asking if he and his girlfriend would want to help out still. Fine by me! I have judged high school science fairs before. Plus I get to see him be all cute interacting with the participants. I am going to have a hard time paying attention to them instead of him. :-) He also coaches a thing at his university. So nice.
Then today he sent out an email to the group of us who worked together for the course in MT. Just because. He thought it would be helpful.
Okay, so thinking about him helps cheer me up. :-)
So I am going out next weekend for the long weekend. I have always referred to it as 'President's Day Weekend' on the phone, because really I do not care that it is Valentine's Day. Last night on the phone, he tells me I have outsmarted him. Apparently his female friends pointed out I will be there for Valentine's Day. Whoops. I really do not care about that. Maybe it was my high school years working in a Hallmark Store?
He must have, at some point, say he would help out with this judging thing for an event for 9 to 19 year olds. Turns out it is on the Saturday the 14th, a.k.a. Valentine's Day. So he forwards me the woman asking if he and his girlfriend would want to help out still. Fine by me! I have judged high school science fairs before. Plus I get to see him be all cute interacting with the participants. I am going to have a hard time paying attention to them instead of him. :-) He also coaches a thing at his university. So nice.
Then today he sent out an email to the group of us who worked together for the course in MT. Just because. He thought it would be helpful.
Okay, so thinking about him helps cheer me up. :-)
Unfortunate
There are two things that are unfortunate.
The first is that I really do like science. Why is that unfortunate? I don't know - there is truly that part of me that wishes I would be able to walk away from the PhD if I needed to. But I won't. [As an aside, I did speak with my advisor today for over an hour and tried my best not to cry, but certainly teared up. The only other time I came that close in front of her was when I told her I was going to have thyroid surgery.][An aside to my aside - last week was the 2 year anniversary of my thyroid surgery. I don't really miss it.] I was productive after my meeting, but frustrated by her rules and the possibility that I won't be done this summer, as hard as I may try to be. I'll push like crazy, but you never know. So I am at the microscope taking pictures, and there is this cool part of what I work on that for some reason just struck me. And I re-realized I like science. Like I find random sciency things cool. I'm such a dork. I even took a close up of this thing and sent it to my friend who teaches 7th grade life science and suggested she play 20 questions with it to see if the students can guess what it is. [I am totally going to play science 20 questions someday when I am teaching.]
So the second unfortunate thing is that I forgot to transfer that picture from the lab computer to my computer. Tomorrow, prepare to be amazed when I get to school and post it.
The first is that I really do like science. Why is that unfortunate? I don't know - there is truly that part of me that wishes I would be able to walk away from the PhD if I needed to. But I won't. [As an aside, I did speak with my advisor today for over an hour and tried my best not to cry, but certainly teared up. The only other time I came that close in front of her was when I told her I was going to have thyroid surgery.][An aside to my aside - last week was the 2 year anniversary of my thyroid surgery. I don't really miss it.] I was productive after my meeting, but frustrated by her rules and the possibility that I won't be done this summer, as hard as I may try to be. I'll push like crazy, but you never know. So I am at the microscope taking pictures, and there is this cool part of what I work on that for some reason just struck me. And I re-realized I like science. Like I find random sciency things cool. I'm such a dork. I even took a close up of this thing and sent it to my friend who teaches 7th grade life science and suggested she play 20 questions with it to see if the students can guess what it is. [I am totally going to play science 20 questions someday when I am teaching.]
So the second unfortunate thing is that I forgot to transfer that picture from the lab computer to my computer. Tomorrow, prepare to be amazed when I get to school and post it.
02 February 2009
Good people
I will start with the negative and just get it out there and then tell you how I had to try hard to not let one negative thing ruin a string of good people. Any guesses? My advisor...I got a summary of my committee meeting from a little over a week ago and, much like last spring's update, there is stuff there that is not true and stuff that she has never discussed with me. She stated that my defense goal is next fall. Lie. Try my goal is to defend by August. Hello? My lease is up August 31st. (And I know there are a million and one people with whom I could stay, but really? Is that how she would have wanted to finish her dissertation??) Never has it been stated to me that my next "big" paper had to be accepted for publication in order to even defend my dissertation. Now, I am not stupid. This is the stipulation she has put on my friend a year ahead of me. But to wait until the second semester of my fifth year to tell me that is ridiculous. Those are just two of many points. I drafted a response, will sleep on it, meet with her and discuss it tomorrow, and put my response in my folder, cc'ed to my committee members.
On to the nice people with whom I have dealt today!
At the gym - A few ladies who are slightly older than me and go to a step class I (somewhat) regularly attend all said hello to me this morning.
Getting coffee - The nice coffee guy acknowledged that if I am getting my PhD I have been working hard for the past four years. (I would transcribe the conversation, but that is the gist of it. I appreciate that someone knows I must be working hard.)
Insurance adjustor - Reassured me that the body shop I intended to bring my car to is good people. Shared a couple stories about his grandkids. Pleasant all around. (Note: Someone broke my driver's side mirror last weekend. Boo. :-( )
Body shop - HELLO friendly helpful people! They said they just go off the insurance estimates (boo to deductibles though), called a junk yard to get me a real replacement mirror, duct taped my mirror back on so well I can adjust it again! Told me they should have the parts Wednesday, I could drop my car back off, and would probably be able to pick it up Friday.
At work - A freshman who I tutored in writing last year stopped by to give me a gift. SOOOO unnecessary and sweet. I was pretty flexible with helping her with her writing over email, etc., but the gift was unnecessary. My friend assured me I should not feel bad; that when people give you a gift it is because they want to.
After work - An undergrad who used to work in the lab, and whose taste in music I find superb, posted a new group she found on my Facebook page. It is nice when people randomly think of you. Her roommate is currently in the lab I am TAing and also very nice.
On to the nice people with whom I have dealt today!
At the gym - A few ladies who are slightly older than me and go to a step class I (somewhat) regularly attend all said hello to me this morning.
Getting coffee - The nice coffee guy acknowledged that if I am getting my PhD I have been working hard for the past four years. (I would transcribe the conversation, but that is the gist of it. I appreciate that someone knows I must be working hard.)
Insurance adjustor - Reassured me that the body shop I intended to bring my car to is good people. Shared a couple stories about his grandkids. Pleasant all around. (Note: Someone broke my driver's side mirror last weekend. Boo. :-( )
Body shop - HELLO friendly helpful people! They said they just go off the insurance estimates (boo to deductibles though), called a junk yard to get me a real replacement mirror, duct taped my mirror back on so well I can adjust it again! Told me they should have the parts Wednesday, I could drop my car back off, and would probably be able to pick it up Friday.
At work - A freshman who I tutored in writing last year stopped by to give me a gift. SOOOO unnecessary and sweet. I was pretty flexible with helping her with her writing over email, etc., but the gift was unnecessary. My friend assured me I should not feel bad; that when people give you a gift it is because they want to.
After work - An undergrad who used to work in the lab, and whose taste in music I find superb, posted a new group she found on my Facebook page. It is nice when people randomly think of you. Her roommate is currently in the lab I am TAing and also very nice.
01 February 2009
Holiday?
My sister put it pretty much the way I guess I am to - I am a Patriots fan, and not necessarily a fan of football in general. I am not really that competitive, but I always want to want someone in the game to win. There are few teams outside of my New England teams that I care about, win-loss wise. Today is the Superbowl, and there are always supposed to be funny/clever/witty/catchy/unique commercials for those who are watching and care less about the game.
I remember reading once that the day after the Superbowl is the most-called-in-sick day of the year. Kinda makes sense - people eat and drink a lot during that game and do not get the day after off like for New Year's. I mean, whose idea was it to have a big football game on a Sunday night?
I remember reading once that the day after the Superbowl is the most-called-in-sick day of the year. Kinda makes sense - people eat and drink a lot during that game and do not get the day after off like for New Year's. I mean, whose idea was it to have a big football game on a Sunday night?
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