Distracted with work to do

This weekend was wonderful and awful. I am thankful, grateful, sad, tired, and wondering how to get all the work done that I need to get done. I had grand plans for the weekend, but did not manage to go running (too freakin' cold at my parents' house) or do any commenting/grading on lab reports I have (I forgot I had them...) or work on comments from reviewers on a paper. So, in true Jenski form, I will just spill some randomness to get it out there, so I can focus better.

I am practicing not discussing anything of substance when surrounded by my family. I think that many of you have already discovered the wisdom of this practice. Over the past couple of years I have realized that while people care that you have an opinion, they do not necessarily care what that opinion is and would rather not have you challenge theirs. Your family you are stuck with, so it is best to practice this skill with them. While you choose your friends, it is as if by choosing them you decide it is okay if you have different opinions and therefore it is safe to discuss them.

I do not think I know when my mother things she is being sarcastic or funny. She always sounds judgmental and angry when she comments on things, and then when I try to talk her down she gets actually angry at me. Or maybe she is just judgmental and angry, but she frequently acts exasperated when I comment, so I think she is trying to be funny. I may never know.

My grandmother is quickly going down hill with her late onset Alzheimers. This week my Dad and Uncle are taking her to the home they had all checked out when her mind was working (slightly) better to have lunch and leave her there (and with dementia/Alzheimers patients they do not want you to visit for a few weeks so the person adjusts to their new home). My Dad and I talked quite a bit about the situation, and he knows that this is all more difficult for him (and his brothers) than it is for her, but he is dreading the idea of Christmas. How my Grandmother adapts to living in the home will determine whether the medical staff thinks it is okay to take her out for Christmas. (If she is not adjusting well, they will recommend against it.) Every time I am home, the older generation comments that I will be surprised at how bad my grandmother is, but really I am not. I am prepared to not be able to have a real conversation with her and for her to not remember anything and be confused. I wonder if they are surprised that I am not more upset by it?

Family friends stopped over Friday with their kids, all six of whom they adopted from the foster care system and three of whom I babysat. We usually see them at Christmas, but the dad had been fairly persistent that they stop by while all of us were there. My brother and his wife were in town, and I guess they hadn't met my SIL before. Then the dad died. That night. In the car while his wife was driving. While this was very much sudden and very much completely unexpected, there have been many strange coincidences over the past few weeks leading up to his death. I went in to the hospital with my parents, then we helped get the family and their cars home and waited while the grandmother, two aunts, and nephew drove the four hours in the middle of the night. It was a long night for me, but it will be a very tough holiday season for the Mom and kids. He asked me how life was, I talked with the Mom about teaching, and as they were leaving, he made sure to check in to see if I had a Man in my life. He always asked about that, hence the capital 'M'. When I did have one, he asked about the status of the relationship. In the car, I guess he told his wife I never change (I am pretty sure in a good way!). I am glad they stopped, that I got to say good bye to him, and spend some time with the family. I am hoping and praying the family sticks together and gets through this; a couple of the kids have had rougher lives than others and will not have an easy time dealing with this loss.

Last weekend I got to catch up with some friends from Boston who are atheists. Much of my family no longer practices any religion and no longer has any particular belief and/or also identifies as an atheist. I, to this day, do not know what I believe but in recent years have found and participated in Christian churches with beliefs in various civil rights and investment in public service that I place value in. These values and practices are in secular lives as well, and I think that whether a person is religious or non-religious does not determine their investment in these issues and practices. Both religious and non-religious people are judgmental about the other, which is fairly obvious if you ever are exposed to an ounce of news coverage. See above for my current approach to these topics when with my family. Interestingly, I did not bring up my church attendance with my friends last weekend, mainly because of the meeting they were attending and the people we were surrounded with. Although I did talk about church with the one friend when it was just she and I hanging out, so it may follow my argument above comparing conversations with family and friends.

Boys are boys. My SIL (and my sister who actually reads this) will be disappointed to learn that BIL guy and I just. hung. out. again tonight. And decorated my tree together, because that's what platonic friends do, right? And also I am not willing to put myself out on a limb if there is any possibility of rejection, and I'm okay with that (see previous relationships chronicled on this very blog).

Occasionally I will wonder about the title of my blog, but tonight is one of those times I realize just how fitting it is. Where to start?

Hallowed Joy and Love

I was on a roll with reflecting on the Advent Season until the world took a wrong turn. I have not posted in a couple of weeks mostly because, while I can think of lots of things to post, I wonder why I want to put them out there on the internet. I feel guilty about my life moving on (some aspects faster than others). I have started thinking about why I am still posting here. What I want to post about - random life occurrences? Deep Thoughts by Jenski? Maybe just make a better effort to stay in touch with people? Those thoughts are for another time...a few more posts...but for now, some catch-up.

The third week of advent is supposed to be Joy. Joy is difficult to strive for when there is so much sad suddenly. Our pastor shared that two of the most difficult jobs to have after a tragedy has occurred are those of a reporter and a pastor. The most difficult idea to convey and to grasp is that there can be joy found in tragedy. That loving those you have and being kind to people is a way to honor those who have been lost. If you have not heard, looking for the helper is a good way to start finding that hallowed joy.

Fred Rogers about when he was a child and would see scary things: My mother would say to me, 'Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.' To this day, especially in times of 'disaster,' I remember my mother's words, and I am always comforted by realizing that there are still so many helpers-so many caring people in this world.

The final week of advent, the week of Love, I was home and went to the church where I grew up. I was mostly interested in how I felt about the pastor now that I have found a church where I am touched or inspired by the sermon on a weekly basis. The sermon/message at the church in which I grew up was non-traditional, so I did not hear a sermon from the pastor. For me though, the message of Love for the week came from the people I know there - hugs from many, questions about whether I was back to ring handbells, and people noticing that my Mom, CF, and I left quickly after the service (which was then mentioned to me on Christmas Eve). The Love for the week came to me in the roots I had in the church, and not in looking for whether I could still find meaning in the pastor's message. It was good that I did not end up comparing my experiences there with my current church and could just enjoy my annual Christmas visit.

I did not take a picture, but every time I go back there, I smile and my heart is warmed by the hand-made sign proclaiming that it was the first open and affirming church in its state.

Hope so

Hope...Sometimes hope feels far away. But hope is always there. Hope is the warmth of strong arms around you. Hope is the sad tears flowing, making room for joy. Hope is angry words bursting, making room for understanding. Hope is scared words asking for help, and finding that help is there. Hope is knowing that you are loved. Hope is knowing that you love others. Hope is holding tight to your mother's hand. Hope is your father's good-night kiss. Hope is remembering his kisses when he can't be there with you. Hope is finding happiness in simple things. Hope is daring to do something you've never done before. Hope is remembering that you are not alone. Many others feel just the way you do. Many others care. Hope is a candle flame in the darkness. Hope is the clear sky above the gray clouds. Hope is the glistening of the snow when the storm has passed. Hope is a heart that is open to the world around you. Hope is knowing that things change - and that we can help things to change for the better. Hope is always there inside you, waiting to unfold.

- Lauren Thompson

'Tis the week of the 'hope' candle in advent. 'Hope' is something I have been struggling with. While I think this excerpt is from a childrens' book, it helps separate the idea of hoping from wishing. I am fine with the present. The day-to-day. It is looking ahead to what will be going on 3 weeks or 6 months or 2 years from now that makes me want a glass of wine on my couch and then to curl up in bed.

In other randomness and to get into the holiday spirit, I finally treated myself to a nativity. I had been looking for one that was not super-breakable and not a bunch of white people. I got this from the Serrv shop at church, and they have other lovely ones.

 I got and put up and decorated my lovely tree all by myself. I am self-sufficient like that.

As needy as my cat often seems, you gotta admit she is awfully adorable when she cuddles in like this. She slipped and didn't make it up when she jumped up on a dining chair this evening. She either needs more exercise or is getting old or both.

 

Thanks

'Tis the weekend to be thankful, and I am doing my best. This weekend, I have been thankful for:

• Sleeping until 8 every day.
• A two hour conversation with one of my oldest friends. Neither of us realized how long we were on the phone. She called me back to point out that it felt just like 9th grade.
• The end to a sore throat that I was worried would turn into more.
• My coffee pot breaking so I could get a great deal on Black Friday for a new one.
• That my new coffee pot has a timer and you can pour a cup before it is done brewing.
• Time to do lots of cooking/baking.

Pumpkin oatmeal bars (that I have determined are healthy enough for breakfast)
Carrot macaroni and cheese with Cabot extra sharp cheddar
Roasted mushrooms with tarragon and balsamic vinegar (a repeat recipe that is easy and delicious)
Having a dozen home-made rolls all to myself
"Healthy" mozzerella sticks
A fresh batch of chicken stock made in the crockpot

• A turkey dinner from my neighbor. I even got the leg because no one else wanted it!
• A couple of runs. Have I mentioned I discovered I can run 3.3 miles and average less than 11 minute miles? I only fit a couple in a week because it gets dark so early, and I have realized what I have eaten in the past couple of hours TOTALLY determines how the run goes.
• Getting a Christmas tree cut and up all by myself.
• Finishing almost all my Christmas shopping.
• Almost finishing my Dad's 60th birthday present. (Poor guy has his birthday on Christmas Eve.)
• Getting some work done - a little lab work and some reading and writing and reviewing.

I think that about covers it...

Not just another day

Make this.

I took the second picture, then ate the cake, then found that the photo was blurry. Click on the link if you want to see a more attractive photo of this microwave nutella cake. 5 minutes start to finish. Great dessert to my apple cinnamon white cheddar and ham panini Easter supper.

It was a long and rewarding day, so having a couple of beers with my cat and an easy dinner, plus a 20 minute nap was fine with me!

I played hand bells at church. Many people came up to me after saying I looked like a pro. Remember, I just officially joined the church last week. I did readily admit that I had played bells before. I think the church is happy to see young(er) members who are involved.

Then I had volunteered to work for a 2.5 hour shift at a local food kitchen, figuring I would head home and do work after. Only they were short staffed for the second shift when they were actually serving dinner. So I was on my feet for almost 5 hours doing cooking and prep and serving and cleaning. It was great though, and I had no other commitment.

I made my grandmother's day by calling her on Easter on my way home. I do not know why I don not call more often because it is only a 5 minute conversation.

If Easter or Passover are you thing, I hope they have been wonderful. I think it is officially spring now.

FOOD

I do not really make 'resolutions', per se, but the start of a new year seems like a good time to resolve to try to do things. Like the commitment?

This past holiday season, I am pretty sure my clothes shrunk. So I have decided to resolve to try to eat healthier regularly. I am not an unhealthy eater, but making a point of eating particular foods again will help make my waistline smaller to be more comfortable in those shrunken clothes. ;-)

I am trying to eat more fruits and vegetables, with the emphasis on vegetables. Because I do not always feel like making a salad to bring to work for lunch, this is often washing a couple of carrots and just chomping into them whole at work. Why take the time to cut carrot sticks?

I am trying to eat yogurt on most days. Once in a while this will be in the form of a fruit smoothie for several days in a row. That does not work in the cold of winter when I just want hot coffee in the car on the way to work though. I have resorted to buying single serving yogurts because it preempts the "I don't feel like mixing plain yogurt with fruit and honey to bring to work" excuse of not eating yogurt.

I am trying to add thing to my cooking to make it healthier. I use yogurt in a lot to do this. Adding ground flax meal is an easy go-to as well. Depending on what I make, I will even add some fiber powder. Why not? I also bought some wheat flour to mix with white flour when I bake. I also picked up frozen spinach and green peppers - two things that are really easy to add to lots of recipes.

Start eating healthier breakfasts. Toast with peanut butter and/or jelly is easy, but maybe not the best for me to eat every day. I like bringing something home made in the car with me to eat on the way to work. I have gone through pancake and muffin phases over the past couple of years. One of my awesome Christmas presents was waffle irons to use in my panini press. (I highly recommend this griddler. I got it from Woot and use it a lot.) I have zeroed in on an oatmeal waffle recipe that is PERFECT for bringing in the car. Maybe I will make a batch in the morning and post that.

Anyhoo. With my resolve to eat a bit healthier and add more veggies, I have now made this "pizza crust" twice with great results. Call it what you will, but it is in reality a cauliflower-based flat bread with toppings. The two I have made while using up stuff in the fridge.

 

This recipe is quite fast, really. The only thing I have really done with the "crust" recipe is add some ground flax (one of my favorite things to do, and can be used to replace the egg if you mix it with some water before hand), and then play with the spices. The crushed garlic was too much because it made my mouth taste like garlic at work after eating it. I figure you could do a lot with this recipe:

• Use rosemary in the crust and top with thin sliced potato, chives, and cheese
• Top with buffalo chicken and cheese, and melt cheese. Add a salad and blue cheese dressing to the top before eating
• A breakfast one with scrambled eggs, bacon, and cheese

Karma, Part II

I nearly finished my Christmas shopping tonight. In addition to Christmas presents, I needed to pick up a few more things for cookie decorating in a couple of days. I found myself at BB&B and realized I should have started there. As great as Wilton products may be, Betty Crocker is more my speed. (Not that I need that expensive Wilton kit either, but you get the point.) And I had a 20% an entire purchase coupon.

Anyway, I overheard a lady asking an employee if they have 20% off coupons (usually just off one item) available, which they do not. I am in the habit of keeping a BUNCH in my car though, and offered to go get her some. I brought back six or seven coupons, and she and her friend kept thanking me and saying how sweet that was and Merry Christmas.

I seriously do this type of thing all the time.

My reward is a new $300 starter for my car.

Karma fail.

Very nice

Lest any of you wonder if CF is worth it. He is off picking up his parents and sister at the airport. I left work early and this was on the table...

...with two tickets to the Trans Siberian Orchestra for the weekend after his family leaves.

Holiday-crafty

I debated about inviting people over in December to decorate cookies. After seeing this post of homemade ornaments, though,  I am thinking that would be fun and involve less monotonous cooking. (I would clearly still bake, because I like to, but just not bake a whole bunch of the same shaped cookies.)

Maybe a good compromise for CF and I to do a tree together is to not use any ornaments from either of our stashes, but to make them all! This could seriously end up being a problem because his tree is always white lights and red and/or silver ornaments. Mine is not.

As an aside, if anyone has a good way to convince another person that light colored curtains and light colored walls and light colored wood and pale flooring and white lights on a tree with no color other than red can get BORING, do let me know.

A swift kick

CF really just needs a swift kick in the butt to take that extra scary commitment step. I am not sure why a nearly 35-year old is capable of all but a big decision like moving or jewelry. As much as I post about his inability to be realistic with his expectations of life, he gets other stuff right (basically).

I got a bicycle for my birthday! I keep thinking about making him a summer-weight quilt for his coming up but do not want to make something he would not pick out himself. He jumps right in and spends money I told him not to on a bike.

He asks me what I want to do for my birthday, so I say this free day at a nature center and a brewery. It rains and is crappy, so he texts people in the area for some ideas and we spend an evening at a piano bar...after I made him go into a wine bar where it was warm while we wait for the piano place to open. Oh, and he drove me all around and did not complain about me sleeping in the car and finally figured out how to let me sleep in in on the weekend.

On top of the other cards, gifts, messages, posts, and emails I got, all-in-all a good birthday weekend!