Distracted with work to do

This weekend was wonderful and awful. I am thankful, grateful, sad, tired, and wondering how to get all the work done that I need to get done. I had grand plans for the weekend, but did not manage to go running (too freakin' cold at my parents' house) or do any commenting/grading on lab reports I have (I forgot I had them...) or work on comments from reviewers on a paper. So, in true Jenski form, I will just spill some randomness to get it out there, so I can focus better.

I am practicing not discussing anything of substance when surrounded by my family. I think that many of you have already discovered the wisdom of this practice. Over the past couple of years I have realized that while people care that you have an opinion, they do not necessarily care what that opinion is and would rather not have you challenge theirs. Your family you are stuck with, so it is best to practice this skill with them. While you choose your friends, it is as if by choosing them you decide it is okay if you have different opinions and therefore it is safe to discuss them.

I do not think I know when my mother things she is being sarcastic or funny. She always sounds judgmental and angry when she comments on things, and then when I try to talk her down she gets actually angry at me. Or maybe she is just judgmental and angry, but she frequently acts exasperated when I comment, so I think she is trying to be funny. I may never know.

My grandmother is quickly going down hill with her late onset Alzheimers. This week my Dad and Uncle are taking her to the home they had all checked out when her mind was working (slightly) better to have lunch and leave her there (and with dementia/Alzheimers patients they do not want you to visit for a few weeks so the person adjusts to their new home). My Dad and I talked quite a bit about the situation, and he knows that this is all more difficult for him (and his brothers) than it is for her, but he is dreading the idea of Christmas. How my Grandmother adapts to living in the home will determine whether the medical staff thinks it is okay to take her out for Christmas. (If she is not adjusting well, they will recommend against it.) Every time I am home, the older generation comments that I will be surprised at how bad my grandmother is, but really I am not. I am prepared to not be able to have a real conversation with her and for her to not remember anything and be confused. I wonder if they are surprised that I am not more upset by it?

Family friends stopped over Friday with their kids, all six of whom they adopted from the foster care system and three of whom I babysat. We usually see them at Christmas, but the dad had been fairly persistent that they stop by while all of us were there. My brother and his wife were in town, and I guess they hadn't met my SIL before. Then the dad died. That night. In the car while his wife was driving. While this was very much sudden and very much completely unexpected, there have been many strange coincidences over the past few weeks leading up to his death. I went in to the hospital with my parents, then we helped get the family and their cars home and waited while the grandmother, two aunts, and nephew drove the four hours in the middle of the night. It was a long night for me, but it will be a very tough holiday season for the Mom and kids. He asked me how life was, I talked with the Mom about teaching, and as they were leaving, he made sure to check in to see if I had a Man in my life. He always asked about that, hence the capital 'M'. When I did have one, he asked about the status of the relationship. In the car, I guess he told his wife I never change (I am pretty sure in a good way!). I am glad they stopped, that I got to say good bye to him, and spend some time with the family. I am hoping and praying the family sticks together and gets through this; a couple of the kids have had rougher lives than others and will not have an easy time dealing with this loss.

Last weekend I got to catch up with some friends from Boston who are atheists. Much of my family no longer practices any religion and no longer has any particular belief and/or also identifies as an atheist. I, to this day, do not know what I believe but in recent years have found and participated in Christian churches with beliefs in various civil rights and investment in public service that I place value in. These values and practices are in secular lives as well, and I think that whether a person is religious or non-religious does not determine their investment in these issues and practices. Both religious and non-religious people are judgmental about the other, which is fairly obvious if you ever are exposed to an ounce of news coverage. See above for my current approach to these topics when with my family. Interestingly, I did not bring up my church attendance with my friends last weekend, mainly because of the meeting they were attending and the people we were surrounded with. Although I did talk about church with the one friend when it was just she and I hanging out, so it may follow my argument above comparing conversations with family and friends.

Boys are boys. My SIL (and my sister who actually reads this) will be disappointed to learn that BIL guy and I just. hung. out. again tonight. And decorated my tree together, because that's what platonic friends do, right? And also I am not willing to put myself out on a limb if there is any possibility of rejection, and I'm okay with that (see previous relationships chronicled on this very blog).

Occasionally I will wonder about the title of my blog, but tonight is one of those times I realize just how fitting it is. Where to start?

Greatly loved

I am doing many things that feel like procrastination, but really I am clearing my head so I can focus and get more writing done. (That's my story, and I'm sticking to it.) The good news is that I should get word that my research paper is accepted for publication soon, the bad news is my boss and I are writing a review of our research topic that is due in July. Yesterday friends came over and we did work together, took a ride on my neighbor's boat, did some more work, then they forced me to watch the first two episodes of Downton Abbey. More bad news, because now I have to keep watching! But this was the sunset.

Also just called my Dad and checked that off the list on this Father's Day. Only whenever I talk to my parents, and I make an observation about their choices, they take it personally and get all worked up. Really I just want to hear my Dad sound grateful for the fact that he can collect unemployment instead of thinking the system is messed up, that he shouldn't be able to collect unemployment, and yet he is anyway because he can. And then joking that you wish Obama could be reelected when Obama isn't the one who came up with the idea of unemployment benefits isn't funny either. Really I just want my Mom to ask my Dad to go walking with her so he has the option open all the time instead of assuming he never will. "We'll walk together when we retire." To which I responded, "Why wait until you retire?" I should have added, "What if one of you dies before then? That's lost time."

But back to the idea of being loved that I meant to write about. I find myself becoming emotional in funny situations recently. The interim pastor at my church is a very friendly outgoing person who has lots of stories to tell thanks to his many past interim positions. His first week, at the end of the service, he explained that he always ends services by telling those gathered one specific thing:

Go out into the world knowing this, that you are Greatly loved.

I have teared up both times I have heard him say it. It occurred to me today that while I know my family and friends love me, knowing it is an intellectual thing. Living alone and not being in a relationship or having my own immediate family means that I am not reminded on a daily basis that I am loved. It really is important to tell the people you love that you love them. This is not a plea for y'all to email me or call me, either. :-) There are things that remind me that I am loved. I know my kitty loves me!

[back story] I did get a good smile and hi from VM today. I was already thinking about all the things I had to do when RM asked me if I wanted to feel his shaved head (courtesy of the church school because they reached a goal for their mission project), so it ended up awkward instead of funny. I was asked if I would want to lead a week of Sunday school this summer, so I am checking with VM's SIL to see if she wants to do it with me. Why not? :-) My boss bringing up a going away party for me and making a sad face when she did. Time spent with my friends yesterday who are so funny about becoming parents, and amazed at how much I know without having my own child, and being good enough friends that the mom-to-be shares her long leg hairs with me (long story). AND my aunt just FB messaged me, so that is funny. Nice moments like that are reminders that you are loved, but still not the same as hearing someone tell you what you mean to them.

I also have this strong sense of belonging to everything and being a part of everything that often makes me want to just sit and be. That sounds all very 60s and hippie, but pretty much when I watch the sunsets on the lake I am not thinking of anything and am truly just amazed at how beautiful it is. It is overwhelming (in a positive way, but not in a get-your-work-done kind of way) when you have the time to think of these things. Maybe not as overwhelming as cleaning up puke on your birthday, but still. ;-)

These words get at just this feeling, and I love them. I will often listen to the song on repeat when it comes up in the car.

I know a please a thank you and a smile will take me far,
I know that I am you and you are me and we are one,
I know that who I am is numbered in each grain of sand,
I know that I've been blessed again, and over again.

~ Originally by Keali'i Reichel , Cover by Sweet Honey in the Rock that I have

I learned this song from a mix made by one of my college roommates. Senior year, one of my roommates had the awesome idea that we should all put together mixes, she would burn the CDs, and we would have a mix of music from each of us. (I think we are still missing two???)

Mosquito arsenal

Warning, and you're welcome: random complaining about mosquito bites includes photos of my most recent.

Some of you readers may have seen the awesome reaction I sometimes get to bug bites. I do not know if mosquitoes like me more than your average human, or I have a stronger reaction to their bites, or both. According to this website, it is entirely possible that I am a cursed mosquito magnet. Regardless, this is my current arsenal for preventing and treating mosquito bites.

I also bought some citronella candles today for when I am sitting on my screened-in, but not sealed, porch to supplement the plug in bug-zapper I have.

The same website linked above suggests that fruits and veggies that are lower in potassium than others help to prevent bites. Apparently this means blueberries, apples, watermelon, cucumbers, cabbage, and green peppers instead of potatoes, prunes, raisins, spinach, bananas, lima beans, and acorn squash. Here are some more prevention suggestions, some of which are repeats so maybe that makes them better to focus on? Down the road, I will consider some of these environmental options for repelling mosquitoes.

Interestingly, I have also read a little about preventing sun burns and sun damage through your diet, and foods high in antioxidants (like blueberries! and tomatoes) can help. Maybe to prevent sunburn and mosquito bites, I should just eat lots of blueberries...

So I spray myself if I leave my apartment or screened in porch, yet this is what I end up with. You're totally welcome for the visual.

The bites on the right actually are not too bad, and I would expect them to heal in a few days if I do not scratch them.

I killed what I think was the mosquito that bit me in the left picture. I was wearing leggings and did not think it got me. Clearly I was wrong, but now it's dead and cannot do this to another person. I think this was from Wednesday night, and it looks a million times better than two days ago. I tried cortisone cream first, then oral antihistimine when that did nothing. It was still itchy, swollen, red, and hot. So for two days I have been applying cortisone cream and antibiotic ointment twice a day and keeping it covered. This has helped, but I am left with what looks like a round bruise. From experience, this could take a very long time to heal. Again, I don't know if this is an extreme inflammation from an allergic response or from an infection, but given that this happens several times a year, I think it is an inflammatory reaction to the actual mosquito. My guess is that I probably have different reactions to different species, but it's hard to compare what they look like when they are squished and your blood is all over your hand after they've sucked you dry.

My niece gets bad reactions too, so my sister and I have talked about this multiple times. DEET has worked to prevent the bites for her this year, and as much as I hate the idea of spraying DEET on myself, maybe it's time to wear long pants and shirts, spray myself with DEET, and shower every night before I go to bed. Yuck (to the DEET, not the showering).

The praying thing

If you do not pray, if you do not believe in prayer, 

then you are living off the prayers of other people.

For Ash Wednesday, our pastor had us draw these slips of paper with words written by some man whose name I do not remember. I had three, but this one stuck with me. I honestly do not know where I stand on the whole praying/faith thing. I go to church and Bible study regularly, am a confirmation mentor, and participate in my church's community outreach, but I do not think that I pray. I will probably write more about this in the near future, because I have read a few related articles and need to make the time to think and write about it.

Regardless, prayer. We prayed before going to bed when we were really young. I say the Lord's Prayer at church. Occasionally I pray during the silent prayer at church. Outside of this I often "think" of people and hope they are doing well or wish them well in my "thoughts". So I wonder what makes a thought towards someone a prayer? If I want to pray for something for myself, do I think/say, "Dear God"?

What I do know is that there are three women at church right now at different stages of treatment for breast cancer. All three are or were in the handbell choir, as am I; two of them I know pretty well. The one woman I feel closest to has a double mastectomy tomorrow for a new tumor in the same breast where she had a tumor 15 years ago. She believes in the strength of prayer, and has asked for prayers from those who do so and healing thoughts from those who do otherwise. So whatever form of thinking/praying I do is in full force these days. She is very positive when she emails and in person, although I am sure it is not easy to be so. She lives alone with her pets, and had to make the difficult decision to put her 16-year old dog to sleep two weeks ago because with surgery coming up, his failing health was too much for her to worry about. She has had to coordinate her care and transportation for the two weeks until her first post-op appointment when she'll be able to figure out if she can drive again. She may or may not have to do radiation and chemo.

This is seriously one of my worst fears about living alone. Having to rely on and coordinate so. many. people. because you do not have a partner to help with most of it if you have a serious health problem.

In spite of all this, she leaned over a couple of times in church this morning to point out that this is the last day she ever has to wear a bra in her life, and if she wants to, she can wear a prosthetic bra and choose her own cup size. She has a fairly large chest, so she said she is going for an A cup the next time around.

Act small

I like to think I am usually a nice person. I like to do things for people and be helpful. I can also be judgmental and say things that I wish I had not said. When I say "things I wish I had not said", I am not referring to profanities or saying my mind, but rather saying things that could be hurtful to another person. This is difficult working with a grad student of Mexican descent who likes to make jokes about Mexicans. We do not make the jokes out in public though.

Anyway. I do enjoy doing things for people when it is not expected. I like to think if everyone did small things, then the world really would shift somehow. For example, when I parallel park on the street after 6:00 in a spot that is not metered, I make sure to leave as much room as possible so three cars can fit where three cars should be able to fit. It is annoying when someone with a regular sized car takes up two spots! But who notices when you do something like that?

I have been trying to take the opportunity to do things that people will notice.

I have cleaned the snow off other cars off when I get to the parking lot at the end of the day...and I hope that they are pleasantly surprised and not mad someone touched their car.

I went and sought out a man who was hanging new bulletin boards in my building because he moved things the lab had hanging to the new board. He did not have to do that. When I thanked him he was very humble and said he was not sure if he put them in the right order.

I like to shovel the whole parking area at home, and my downstairs neighbor cleaned my car off this morning.

There are two owned homes I walk by every morning in a neighborhood of college rentals. I have seen one of the women clearing snow before, and she plants lovely flowers, and decorates for the holidays. She always shovels and salts the sidewalks early. Last week I sent her flowers with a note thanking her for that and complimenting her on the Christmas decorations.

I do not do these things purely out of the goodness of my heart. They make me feel happier after I do them! While sending flowers is not inexpensive, all the other things are free. When was the last time you sincerely thanked someone for a job well done? Or took an extra few minutes to try to make someone's day?

Now is the time

I distinctly remember driving back to Boston from my parents' house one year at the end of MLK weekend. I happened to catch a radio station playing Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.'s I Have a Dream Speech. I admit I got the chills. If you have never listened, I recommend taking 15 minutes of your time to do so.

I am always reminded of my elementary school's principal and often share this story. I do not know what grade I was in, nor do I remember what led to me and another kid in my class getting called to the principal's office. But I remember the old black tape player and the principal playing a recording of MLK's famous speech to us because our principal had been there. I wonder how many other kids he played the recording for? You learn about these pivotal moments in history, but often feel removed. Our principal was this towering white man, and listening to MLK's speech just now, I realize he was one of the white* people in the sea of black* people who was there to support the cause and to whom MLK spoke at one part of the speech. He was my principal in a dinky little New England town, and I will never forget that experience.

Martin Luther King, Jr. said many wise things, in my opinion, and if you listen to him orate, it is no wonder he moved people. I have read many snippets of his wisdom, from science to social issues. MLK said:

We have inherited a large house, a great "world house" in which we have to live together - black and white, Easterner and Westerner, Gentile and Jew, Catholic and Protestant, Moslem and Hindu - a family unduly separated in ideas, culture and interest, who, because we can never again live apart, must learn somehow to live together with each other in peace.

We re-inaugurate our first bi-racial president tomorrow. He is African-American, but he is also European-American. I think it is wonderful that he is our first African-American president, but also that he represents the acceptance of interracial relationships. Although not by design, I love that his inauguration is the same time of year that we remember Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. I need to go figure out if I can watch it live on my computer or if I am taking the day off to watch it at home. That's right - I will take the morning off to watch the presidential inauguration, and I think that is okay. As a matter of fact, I think public schools should watch them and wish I had growing up.



*Recently I have become even more aware and curious and hyper-conscious about words I and we use to describe people. Quite honestly, I think if you are not a part of a defined social group, it is impossible to know what that social group feels is a respectful way to describe the group. Is it more appropriate to refer to the attendants at MLK's speech as 'white' and 'black' or as 'European-American' and 'African-American'? I am of European descent, but would call myself 'white', and usually use the parallel term 'black' for people of African descent. I should really ask someone of African descent what is the preferable way to explain someone is of African descent If you identify in a particular way, and someone labels you in a way that makes you uncomfortable or may be inappropriate, I encourage you to first assume that they are merely uneducated about the issue. This recently happened to me in a group where we were interchangeably using two labels for a particular social group. A member of the conversation told us why we should only use one of those descriptors, and let me tell you, we were all very grateful to her for speaking up and explaining the difference to us.

Culture clash

I recently spent a lovely evening with a friend at a community-based micro-finance type event. The project presentations of note were for a local neighborhood-based history museum, a high school community-building art project, and a dog park.There was also a 5th-6th grade group returning to give an update on the project they had received funding for last spring.

The dog park group wanted to build a shelter at the park and a rain collection system if they received the funding that night.

A student from the 5th-6th grade group asked how "they would get food at the shelter".

The dog park presenter went on and on for what seemed like forever, but was likely 30 seconds, about dog treats, and the dog owners bringing food if they want to, and how great it would be for people to share treats because dogs love treats.

I cringed. I hope it was inside. My friend noticed the same disconnect between an inner-city elementary school student's understanding of the word "shelter" and the dog park presenter's understanding. Don't get me wrong - a dog park would be a great way to attract people to move into a city that has fallen on tough times. The people who have stuck out those tough times need some recognition though.

I voted for the high school group that was competing. Dog park users probably have enough money to build that shelter if they pool their resources.

Fake it?

I do not think there is anything special about feeling like you can't cut it. Apparently I allude to the whole Imposter Syndrome thing about once a year too. I am having to remind myself of this as I have done less prep for my interview than I thought I would. I gave a practice talk at lab meeting today. The first thing my boss said was that my slides were great. She mentioned it a couple of times. I have to stop psyching myself out! I came home and tried on outfits to bring, and they look fine. Despite my paper not yet being submitted, I have been contacted by two great schools that liked my job application.

On my drive home today, I was thinking about how I could probably think of a time when any given person I know has doubted themselves in some way. I am really bad at keeping in touch with people, so if I know this about them, my guess it that it was not a one-time deal. I decided, though, that feeling inadequate or doubting yourself is a result of caring. Seems ironic that if you care about something and are a good person you would worry about your performance on anything from your job to your home life to your relationships instead of trusting you are doing what you can.

Fails

When I got my own apartment in grad school, I walked home alone at night after drinking a couple of times. Then I realized that was not the best idea. I think I am aware of what is going on around me - I never talked on the phone, but had it ready to call if I needed to. I wouldn't listen to music. I walked with purpose. I paid attention to noises and people and cars around me. One night a friend and I were walking in the same direction, then parted ways after some drinking and it was latish. He made me promise to call him when I got home. Then I took a cab home from the subway one night and it was only $5. $5 and some friendly conversation with the local cab driver and I would get home safely. Sold.

(I was hyper aware of the sound of the taxi leaving. One night the cab sat there for a bit. I stayed away from the windows as I went up the stairs and did not turn on any lights until the car was gone. Paranoid? Meh.)

I do not have a regular thing when I get home that would let someone know I am home. (We will not get into the fact that CF and I do not talk every day...) So I am kinda aware of keeping myself safe. But two times in the past week, I did not act in situations and the excuse/reason was that it was potentially dangerous. But I wonder if it was actually dangerous or if I just need respond in a better way. I think one big problem with society is the general attitude that if you have a problem, it is your problem. If you know me a little bit, you likely know I am a good example of how people don't always ask for help when they should (or when it would be a good idea). So I try to make an effort to offer help when I recognize a situation in which I could help. Anyhoo. Onto my recent life fails.

I went for a run. 1.5 miles up the road. 1.5 miles back the same way. (Not a continuous run, mind you. Enough running to make my muscles hurt though.) The whole road has houses on both sides all the way. (This is me setting the stage for how it was a safe environment.) On the way back, there was a small pick-up parked. As I passed, I realized there was an older woman in the front seat crying. There was a lot of stuff in the cab. I could not remember if she was there 10 minutes earlier when I passed going in the opposite direction. I hesitated, but kept running. Did she just have to leave her home and did not know where she was going to sleep that night? (Not that I would offer my home.) Was it a murder TV show waiting to happen? Did she just lose a loved one? I will never know.

I am in the process of caving and getting a smart phone. {sigh} The second situation happened after a man came into the wireless phone store while I was in there on a rainy Friday evening. He was unkempt and had a grocery cart that he left outside with stuff in it. He was asking questions about pre-paid phones, and seemed to carry on a decent conversation with the sales dude. I did not notice when the man left. As I was pulling out of the parking lot, I realized that man was laying near the curb in the parking lot with his cart and he was not moving. I was pulling into traffic. Do I keep digging for my phone while I drive? Do I turn around? It is dark and rainy. I am at the stop light and realize there was a police car that turned its lights on stopping the intersection traffic. Then an ambulance and fire truck came through and pulled into the parking lot I had just left. I felt relieved and guilty that my immediate reaction was not to stop pulling out of the parking lot and to go over to the man.

I think I talk myself out of what might be a difficult situation, but still one for which I have time. I think I imagine that criminal TV show. I clearly watch too much Criminal Minds and Law & Order.

Verses

Somehow I have found myself a Confirmation Mentor at church. I should not say "somehow" as if I was coerced to sign a legally binding document or something. I did say yes, and I do think I will enjoy it.

In addition to ringing handbells and being a mentor, I have volunteered days when my church was responsible for people at a Habitat house and a local soup kitchen. I also participate in the adult group for 20ish to 35/40-ish year olds. I honestly do not know exactly what I believe or feel, but this church has definitely provided opportunities to explore that and also get involved in the whole community.

I have found many parts of church that speak to me and have yet to actually sit down and share them. I am putting in more effort to read the scripture every week, and a couple of weeks ago was one of those 'Aha!' moments.

So from my Good News Bible that I got in third grade, I bring you parts of James.

3.13 Is there anyone among you who is wise and understanding? He is to prove it by his good life, by his good deeds performed with humility and wisdom. But if in your heart you are jealous, bitter, and selfish, don't sin against the truth by boasting of your wisdom. Such wisdom does not come down from heaven; it belongs to the world, it is unspiritual and demonic. Where there is jealousy and selfishness, there is also disorder and every kind of evil.

Aha! If you're selfish and boastful, it is not good. It was like reassurance that giving as much as I can does make a difference. That may seem silly to think otherwise, but how often do good people get told they are doing the right thing?

4.1 Where do all the fights and quarrels among you come from? They come from your desires for pleasure, which are constantly fighting within you. You want things, but you cannot have them, so you are ready to kill; you strongly desire things, but you cannot get them, so you quarrel and fight.

Aha! The fighting mentioned reminded me of war. On a smaller scale, bickering and arguing. So I guess the question is, when do you try to "stick to your guns" and when do try to let those strong desires go?

Dreaming

Back in grad school, and when I was with-ish my ex, but I do not remember exactly when, I kept having related REALLY bad dreams. And I found the link so I do not have to try to recreate what I remember of the dreams and got to read about killing dreams I did not remember. Awesome.

Interpretation of previous dreams: I did not feel like people were listening to me.

Earlier this week (or maybe it was last week?), I woke up from a bad dream, thought that I really should try to remember it when my alarm went off a couple hours later, but also had a sense that this was a repeat.

What I remember of the dream: I was abducted by a man who did not seem familiar. I had another woman with me who I did know, but I did not remember who she was when I woke up in the morning. We were being held in my current apartment, and I was convinced that the grad student in the lab would realize I (or we? maybe the other post-doc was the other woman?) was not at work, and we would be found quickly. The other woman with me went after the guy essentially begging him to let us go as he was going into the bathroom. I was telling her no and that it would be okay, and then the a**hole holding us kicked a dog (where it came from, I have no idea) and the dog lost control of its back legs. I proceeded to tell the abductor we would behave and try to coax the dog to calm down and comfort it. I woke up as I dreamed about curling up with the dog to calm it down on my small rug by my door.

My interpretation of this dream, in addition to the feeling that I had a similar dream, is that I feel trapped. Now let's see if I have another similar dream, or if I have figured out why I was having similar dreams and it will not happen again. If you are into dreaming things to figure out your life, I do not recommend getting abducted and trying to comfort a partially paralyzed dog. Crappy way to start the day.

On an unrelated note, when I searched my blog to see if I could figure out the first series of dreams, I found this.

Kids these days

I have had a few interactions with the less-than-21-crowd recently that leave me a bit...concerned? dismayed? Whatever the right word is, I have been unimpressed.

The biggest 'issue' I have is related to two alumni interviews I did for my alma mater. This is actually the first year I have volunteered to interview, but I know several people who have done it for years. The two applicants were very different, and I had different impressions of who they are and their level of interest in the college after talking with them. For one of the interviews, I had to contact the applicant twice to try to set up a time, AND the applicant was off reading in the library and only found me at the front 15 minutes after we were supposed to meet...as in I guess she thought I would wander around the library asking young women if they were her? Aside from that, the most surprising thing is that neither applicant sent me a thank-you after the interview. They both had my email address and phone number. It would have taken less than five minutes to thank me for my time and the opportunity to add to their application package and blah, blah, blah. On top of that, I thought parents were supposed to be all over-involved in their children's lives (stereotypically speaking about those helicopter parents, of course). Did none of those parents (and one applicant was driven by a parent lest you think they met me without a parent's knowledge!) check in with their child after the interview to tell them to send a quick thank you?

The second 'issue' has to do with a sense of, I think, entitlement I often encounter in undergraduates. This is not meant to apply across all undergraduates, but my example illustrates what I mean. The grad student in my lab just got married, and we did not have an end-of-semester lab get-together in December as my boss likes to do. So she teamed up with the head of the grad student's wife's lab for a joint "happy wedding!" get-together. We have some new work study students in the lab, and the one who is a freshman was able to come. After we had all eaten and we were sitting around in various places chatting, said freshman came in holding a beer. He had his hand completely over the label at all times, as if that would prevent us from figuring out what he was drinking. Is drinking really SOOOO exciting that as a non-21-year-old-freshman you would grab a beer at a professor's house???? I think this exhibits a clear lack of respect for our hosts. For those of you into judging others, this kid also wears a baseball hat with a flat rim, which I personally find looks silly.

Karma, Part II revisited

Dear Jenski,

Happy New Year!

I am the lady that you gave your BB&B coupons to. I just wanted you to know how much I appreciated that act of kindness. You saved me alot [sic] of money. It was the Christmas season and you definitely spread your Christmas cheer! Thank you! :-)

Lady*

* Names have been altered

I had this Thank You card in the mailbox on Saturday. I think the woman must have noted my address on the coupons. I got the warm fuzzy feeling all over again for doing something so easy to make someone happy. Seriously all I did was walk to my car and grab coupons while she held my stuff!


This weekend, I shoveled all around my downstairs neighbors' cars after a couple of inches of snow and their walk way. When I came home later, they had spread extra salt all over, including on the walk to my stairs. Neither of them are particularly in shape, in any stretch of the word. I am happy to save them a shoveling-induced heart attack in exchange for more exercise on my part and salted walkways!

"Pay" it forward, even in simple nice acts. It does come back to make you feel good about yourself all over again.

Missing out

I am not quite sure how to explain this without you, the reader, thinking I am complaining or super depressed or something. It is true that the holiday season can be rough for the elderly who are alone. It can also be rough for other people who want to love the holidays but have lots of life stuff going on.

Basically, I feel like I am missing out on the big things in life that I really want to be taking part in for myself: marriage, children, hitting the last two continents (South America and Antarctica), being able to save money for a vacation, a car, retirement. Things a 32 year old could, and some would argue should, be able to do.

This is something I have been thinking about more than I should recently for obvious reasons: CF leaving for another state soon, seeing my family, not seeing friends, CF's family coming in two days for 12 days, friends having babies on the way or actually having them, family/friends/exes getting engaged and/or married, the holidays, travel.

Right now, I seriously feel like the only thing I have to show for this is a PhD. Some would argue that is impressive. Whatevs.

In addition to this, I do not feel like I have a place right now. I have no desire to move to where CF is moving. I want to move back to family and friends. If I end up not doing some of the things friends and family have done in their personal lives, I want to be close enough to be an actual part of their lives. Participate and live vicariously in real life, instead of just online.

I will keep applying to those jobs and trying to get my first post-doc publication finished and make it through the next couple months trying to be nice and finding reasons to be happy. Christmas music and a balsam-scented candle are doing it for me right now.

100 things: 81 - 90. Define this!

I don't know how well I fit into a two-party political mold. My guess is that few people do.

81. I support women's rights.

82. I support gay rights.

83. I believe in social safety nets to help people.

84. I do not believe a social safety net equals a free ride in life. You should not get public assistance if you are not helping yourself to earn money, be healthy, or otherwise contribute to society.

85. I love how diverse this country is and how non-U.S. citizens still want to be here even though many of us citizens think it is so awful. I do think you should be able to communicate in English to get a Green Card or citizenship. Especially citizenship.

86. I would probably be considered somewhat fiscally conservative, but see #83 above. I do think that paying taxes is crucial to the country's well-being. Also, I still don't understand quite the rationale behind tax breaks = increased jobs. Anyone have a good explanation?

87. I think our troops and the sacrifices they and their families make are incredible. We owe them a lot.

88. I think a lot about what I can do personally to make where I live better - plant flowers? do something for the schools? conserve energy and water?

89. I have no problem requiring people to have health insurance. My understanding is that one problem with the health care system is uninsured people being treated in ERs and hospitals trying to recover those costs, for example. In fact, if you are on unemployment, you should automatically be enrolled in an insurance plan that is deducted from your unemployment check. That is how it works when you have a job!

90. I do not understand how it is legal for new political leaders to finagle ways to break union contracts. I have a lot of issues with my perception of how unions actually run (not the early intents of why unions happened). But, dude. Aren't contracts legally binding? If not, what's the point of having contracts?!

Hmmmm...maybe it is not so difficult to sorta pigeon-hole me into a political category. However, many of my liberal leanings come with a strong dose of people-should-be-good-people or how-do-we-make-sure-people-don't-take-advantage-of-our-system.

Recalculate and model

1. Over the past few weeks, I have gotten some GOOD deals. Between the local consignment shop, Banana Republic gift cards from gifts and credit card points, and a 30% off Family & Friends coupon for BR and the Gap I have purchased:

3 dress shirts
3 t-shirts
1 dressier short-sleeved shirt
Light-weight 3/4 sleeve sweater
open-fronted light-weight sweater
Jeans
Brown leather belt

For ~$30. That's right. Not including what the two shirts from the consignment shop may have cost in a previous life, I got ~$344.44 (if you go by all the suggested prices) or $189.99 (if you go by all the marked down and clearance prices) for $30. I think I can stop complaining about not shopping now.

2. In other news, I know I have had some pretty brilliant ideas in the past, but some of my recently implemented methods of savings really are working.

The speed limit here is 70 mph for cars and 60 for trucks. I used to drive close to 80 mph when commuting in the absence of bad weather, traffic, or idiots. I decided I would slow down. Now I hover around 70 usually, but have driven home at a mere 65 behind an 18-wheeler who was breaking the wind for my little Jetta. Why? Because if you decide to drive that way, it is actually quite relaxing and you get WAY better gas mileage. I have filled up at the same gas station and pump the past two times so I could figure out my gas mileage controlling for variation between pumps (oh, the scientist in me despite all the other gross estimates I am about to make).

Drumroll please!

3 mpg MORE driving the way I do now compared to the way I was. That works out to an extra trip to (or from) work. I may have over-estimated how much I would save last time I calculated it out (~$700), but with these new data (yes, 'data' is plural), I still save between $300 - $550 per year!

Bear with me for the rest of the math (and logic)...or skip to the punchline. I essentially "save" a gallon of gas every time I fill up (as in I use one less gallon per full tank because of the saved gas mileage). Now, if you consider that there are 255,917,664 registered vehicles on the road, and if each vehicle slowed down a bit and aimed to getter better gas mileage, and you assume people fill their tanks once a week (I fill mine every 4.5 - 5 days), every vehicle would end up NOT using 52 gallons a year...

Punchline: As a country we could NOT use 13,307,718,530 gallons of gasoline every year by just driving ~ 65 mph. That seems like a pretty significant number to me. Despite all the gross approximations, I think they were reasonable approximations. People could save money, the country could reduce dependence on foreign oil, and we would all win...I think. I am sure there are people who like to drive fast who think this is absolutely a ridiculous idea. I propose to start the trend, when police cars do not have their lights flashing, they should drive the speed limit (and not weave in and out of traffic and stay off the phone, but these are different issues I have observed while commuting), and public vehicles that would never need to go fast (like a department of transportation plow or a department of energy "official car") should have a speed thing (I forget what they are called) so that they CANNOT go over a certain speed. I know this has been suggested by many, and here are some arguments for reduced speed limits that would be even lower than 65 mph. Heck, if speed limits were reduced and police pulled people over, they could increase ticket revenue too, thus solving another local budget problem. I would be interested to see an actual modeling of this idea with real numbers broken down for car types, etc., but I still think I am pretty brilliant.

The envelop please!

Okay, so when I first started thinking about this, it was Oscar weekend. The title had more immediate relevance then, but is also still relevant to my last point...see way below.

That same weekend was also right before I got paid at the end of the month, and I started thinking about where my money goes. This was in part prompted by the fact that I need to purchase some undergarments. I really want to buy good ones that will last and keep the girls up, if you know what I mean. I do not feel I have the money to get a $50 bra though. I also have a college reunion, brother's wedding, and a possible trip back east to appear in court; CF is still looking for a job; I want to move when my lease is up in May; presumably when CF gets a job, we will plan another trip to Germany.

I use Mint to keep track of all my accounts; each of my individual accounts will mostly track categories at this point, but Mint will put them all together. I have budgeted amounts for everything from rent (nice and stable), to groceries, gas, bills (somewhat stable except for electric), pets (cat and outdoor bird feeders), shopping (used to be clothes), gifts, etc.

[DISCLAIMERS: I am not complaining about my income, nor is this meant to be a woe-is-me post. This is a post for me, and maybe you'll learn something about how much you can save on gas and restaurants if you have not thought about it before. If you have any money saving tips, do share. Also, NIH post-doc salary scale is public information, so the amount of income I live on does not have to be any big secret. If any of you know of a job for a dairy/cattle nutritionist with a PhD, do let me know so I can let CF know. Preferably within a long-weekend's drive distance from New England.]

A few things I have noticed that I need to change:

I spend more on bird feeder food than cat food. Thistle is expensive?!
  - When the weather is warmer and stable, that feeder is coming down and the birds will have to deal with cheaper food in the bigger feeder that the squirrels pillage. I should have enough Thistle to get me through.

I spend more on gifts than on myself. I like spending money on other people and donating money, but I do need to replace things like sneakers and underwear. One of the bad budget things I did was not decide a priori what to spend on Christmas gifts. I did not get anything extravagant, but if nothing else, CF and I should have decided on an amount ahead of time. The rest of the family got gifts of approximately the same monetary value.
 - Last year I decided to donate $25/month to a charity. Sadly, I am not going to do that this year. I will still donate money to things if people ask (emails from organizations CEOs do not count), but will not go out of my way to find charities to donate to. This is especially difficult because there are so many organizations I would love to help out just that little $25 bit because of all the political issues our country is facing. I will have to be satisfied with gifts-in-kind this year. Already stopped by the local animal shelter with old towels!
 - Buy birthday and Christmas gifts as I find them if they are a reasonable amount. I went into Urban Outfitters yesterday, and although I wanted to buy myself a $10 wallet, I settled for three birthday gifts all of a similar price. Sorry if you get one of these and now know how little I spent on you. ;-) It is the thought that counts!
 - I was really good last year not to cheat on my clothes budget and will continue to do so. This can potentially put a wrench in my bra shopping too, as clothes for weddings count. No cheating, a dress is clothes! Luckily I already of a dress that I want to wear to my reunion, or this could get really dicey.

NEWS FLASH: Cars are expensive. Because I am commuting, I have to have regular work done nearly every other month. In Boston, those big $500 - $1500 jobs were only once a year at the most. Never mind that I just paid over $40 to fill my gas tank. And CF refused to move, so I do more driving than I may have had to if he had sucked it up.
 - I need to sit back and drive slower. With a 70 mph speed limit, it is SO tempting to drive 80 mph home. I will get one or two miles per gallon better gas mileage if I drop down to 65 or 70. For real. The 18-wheeler speed limit is 60, so I am thinking just truck on behind one of them so they break my wind too. (Pun intended.) That might not sound like much, but roughly speaking if I fill my gas tank every five days instead of every four days, that would save me SEVEN HUNDRED DOLLARS. Holy crap.
 - I will need a new car in the next one to three years. Mine will (finally) hit 100,000 in the next couple of months, and I need to decide when a monthly payment outweighs the every-other-month mechanic bill.

I need to save again for things like a down payment on a car and moving expenses. Because I mistakenly severely underpaid my taxes last year, literally all I had saved over the year went to our federal government.  Oops.

 - I already do not keep the house very warm. The weather will soon be warming up too, so I will get some disposable income back.
 - Right before Netflix is supposed to renew, I will cancel it. I have only had it for three months anyway. I will also cancel my gym membership. Over a year, these two changes will be somewhere around $600. That is a lot of money when you add it up like that!
- I need to cut out the Groupons, as much as I love them. The one I just got for shoes is one thing, because I will need them come summer. The ones for restaurants or entertainment are not necessary.


Lest any of you think that too much tax money goes to science research, this is how a post-doc must manage her money.

So back to the envelop. My mom claims that when they did not have enough money she used to cash their paychecks and put the allotted money in an envelop for bills/groceries/gas/etc. [I only say claim because my Mom claims a bunch of things, but this I tend to think is true.] I think when I get the credit cards paid off and am caught up again, I will take the same approach. That will help me not go over budget for things like restaurants. Those few dollars or cents left at the end of the month at that point? Rainy day fund.

Drive safely!

We just got hit with 4 - 6ish inches of snow. Let me tell you, that really brings out the best in drivers.  One non-driving thing I decided today was that all fraternities and sororities in snowy places should use dues to invest in a snow blower and blow the damn sidewalks around their "houses".

But on to things I think would help make the roads safer, some of which may seem obvious to you.

1. Clean your front and rear windshields so you can see in front and behind you.
2. Clean your lights so that people can see your headlights when you are coming and your brakelights when you are stopping.
3. Get off the phone. If you must be on the phone, spin out on the highway so you are out of the way before you dial.
4. Do not tailgate people. If you are in a big truck tailgating someone and she taps on her brakes because she cannot go any faster than the big pick-up truck in front of her, instead of flashing your headlights at her, why don't you just stop riding her ass? You know, hypothetically speaking.
5. Learn to drive your car in the snow. If you remain extremely uncomfortable driving on snowy roads, avoid doing so or get a car in which you are more comfortable doing so. [Knock on wood] I have never been in a snow related accident and my car is front wheel drive with questionable tires. It is all about learning when to step on the gas, avoid the brakes, and how to turn the wheel.
6. If you are desperate to switch lanes, take your foot off the gas as you go through the pile of snow in the middle of the highway. You will surely slow down, but then you can speed back up and pass the person you were behind. Trust me, this works and you do not end up on the side of the road facing the wrong direction.
7. Do not think that if you are in a big pick-up truck with four-wheel drive and the bed weighted down that you are immune to hazardous road conditions. Two-thirds of the cars I saw off the highway yesterday were pick-up trucks. Yes, I counted.
8. Turn on your headlights. If it is still snowing, it makes you easier to see.
9. Take your time. Slow down. With a 70 mph speed limit, if you end up going 55 mph all the way home instead, look at the bright side - your gas mileage will be WAAAAYYYYY better than usual.
10. Use your blinker. This, like many other things on the list, will make the road safer even when there are not wintery conditions. I promise that if you have your blinker on, I will leave a safe distance for you to get out of the REALLY snowy lane into the mildly snowy lane in front of me instead of proving you have AWD as you plug away in the REALLY snowy lane drifting in and out of my lane, thus blocking me from driving the last 2 miles to work in a (wintery and snowy) timely fashion.

General knowledge

Things I think I should know more about. If you know of a book, let me know!

• History of and analysis of unions in the U.S. Either with a neutral author or one who fairly represents the pros and cons.
• Germany! Being there with someone who knows a lot of history gave me a new perspective on war and history. The U.S. is young and we do not have much evidence in our own land of modern wars, save places like Pearl Harbor. There, you see an old church with half of it gone and you know it was damaged by a bomb in WWII. (The destroyed part is to the right of where the photo ends.)So probably a book with a quick summary of pre-1700/1800 and more detailed of modern history would be good.
• What the heck I should be doing with my finances. I found this and it looks pretty good. I am mostly able to keep up with life, but what with the price of airplane tickets, a foreign BF's family to visit and being a LONG drive or a plane trip from my family and any weddings I have or will need to travel to, I still am way past the age when I should be building my savings.This article also reminded me that I need to have a plan and savings. It is actually a good article for anyone to read, as it brings up important issues such as salaries freezing and possibly decreasing thanks to our wonderful economy and what people have had to accept as job prospects after being laid off and out of work for a long time. Plus I know the reporter personally, so that is cool. :-)

Therapy

The past couple of months I have been thinking about starting a more anonymous don't-tell-people-about-just-let-it-be-found blog. This is because there are things I would blog about, but, since moving to the Midwest, have found out that a lot of friends read this (although y'all read through your readers/feeds so I have no idea how many people read because my counter does not count reader downloads, but whatever;-) ). It is not that I would not share or discuss these things with my friends and family, but it just seems strange to do it in this format...and I am really bad about picking up the phone.

Some things I think about are old things which do not affect me anymore; only I still think about them so clearly something about them gets to me. Pre-internet I would keep a journal in spurts. If you go back and look at some of it, I always wrote when I was trying to figure something out. Along the way, my blog was a way for me to put something in writing (for the entire world to read if they would like, ironically), and let it go. I guess writing things down lets me move on to thinking about other things, and I know if I want to revisit something, it is there waiting for me. Everyone has their own ways of dealing with things, right?

Only once in grad school did I actually go to a therapist a few times to work through something that I could not get myself to go to family or friends about. I know people whose therapists are very important, and can only extrapolate that other friends likely see therapists but I do not know about it. It was a strange experience for me though. I do not expect a journal to talk back, but the woman I saw did not seem very involved in the sessions. Maybe I just needed a different therapist?

My old roommate (Hi SLK, like the car) told me once that if I was being really quiet around the apartment, she knew I was thinking about something, and I would talk to her when I was ready. It is true. And I think that when I am thinking about something, I am usually figuring out how to articulate whatever it is, much like I would have to do to write it down in a journal. Now, I find myself composing blog posts about things in my head. Sad, huh? Maybe after I "write" one, I should just write it down and move on to the next thing.