I could hide out under thereAnyway, it has been one week since my advisor nearly ruined my life. That may be a bit excessive, and much like parents, it is probably an advisor's "job" to make grad school difficult, but still. I find her ridiculous, and am sad to say that I really do not respect her. I do not know what she would need to do to regain some respect. In general, I trust and respect people until they do something ridiculous and then it is all over.
I just made you say "underwear"
After the fateful email she sent, I almost had an anxiety attack. I cried at school. I was ANGRY. I do not get that angry very often. I told people about it. I said how I was just going to not be around when she thought I should because that would show her. I said that I do not think the whole animal facility should be a grad student's lab job (and I still think this). I was prepared to explode at her.
Luckily, she is not around regularly or I probably would have. I had a week to talk through it with some friends who are removed from the situation. I gained some perspective. They helped me come up with more diplomatic ways of approaching the topic that do not involve a string of profanities.
I was wondering if I should just keep something like that inside to let myself cool down instead of blabbering about how I feel about it to everyone? If I wait a week, will I gain perspective on my own? I almost feel like I am backing down from how I really feel about it, but in reality, I have only my friends with whom to work these things out. This is one of the parts of a relationship I miss. Not that my past relationships have always provided perspective on difficult situations, but they did prevent me from venting so vehemently at work.
6 comments:
Who's your supervisor's supervisor? I'm thinking you might need to take this up another level to get it resolved. Or an ombudsman or something?
I agree with Spark that it would be useful to talk to someone else in the faculty, though that has its own risks. Is there anyone else on your committee who can help? What about counselling just for you, to figure out some of the anger and a productive course of action? Oppression does have a way of making us think a lot about it, and you shouldn't have to carry it all on your own. At school here we apparently used to have a weekly group of grads who met just to talk about relations with advisors.
Oh, what a sad thought, carrying your anger and anxiety on your own until it resolves itself! That's absolutely what friends (and blogs) are for. And complaining with coworkers/fellow grad students is a way of building camaraderie. No one understands better than your labmates what your advisor is like--I'm glad that you can talk to some of them about how you're feeling when you're upset.
Whatever you do, don't go to someone above your advisor, like your department chair, without first having gone to your advisor. You will totally lose the respect of the chair. My husband emphasizes this to me over and over again with work. As an adult, you are expected to work out problems (or at least TRY) to work out problems with your supervisor before going to their boss. And the real rule of thumb is that you should tell your advisor "Since we haven't resolved this satisfactorily, I'm going to speak to the department chair and get their perspective on this situation." In other words, you should TELL the person who you are going to go above their head that you are planning to go over their head.
That said, now I can make my "real" comment that I was intending to write before reading everyone else's.
Now that it has been a week and you have gained some perspective, it is time to deal with your advisor in person with this issue. Whatever you do, don't do it by email. And the other thing is that even if you are uncomfortable doing it, it is good character building and experience. Because we all have to face difficult situations in life and the more practice you get, the easier it gets. If you are nervous about it, or worried you will forget some points, take a post-it with you and refer to it to make sure you cover everything.
And good luck. I know it is difficult.
And one last thing, counseling might be helpful. The school's have free counseling services, usually.
Spark, funny you should mention an ombudsman because another grad student is going to try to put that in place next year because of the problems she's been having with her advisor.l
Aurora, I do talk to one other member of my committee about things. A venting group would be good too!
Molly, friends and the blog have been great, for sure. It is just venting about it at work that I figure I should not do.
Danielle, it is hard to talk to her when she is never around and will not set meetings. :-( I keep trying to bring these things up in person. Thank you for the advice and further bakcing this should be worked out! I am sooooo trying not to let these things just slide. I hesitate to use the university counseling because I have tried before and it is a hassle...and they are best for undergrad issues.
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