On not being alone

I always hate it when people ask me what I am thinking about. Whenever someone asks, my mind immediately goes blank and I have no idea what to say. I think a lot though. I even preface statements with things like, "I was thinking this morning at the gym," or, "I was thinking when I was at the grocery store..."

This morning, as I walked to work, I was thinking that I am tooooo used to being alone. I do not mean lonely. I mean alone. I do get lonely, but that is different. I have always had roommates to talk to, friends to email and talk to, family to visit. I have really only had to worry about my own life working since becoming an "adult" though (whatever the word 'adult' means).

I was thinking that the next time I am in a relationship the hardest part will be trying to let go of being alone. I think about my friends and like to do nice things all the time, but as one person, me, not as an 'us'. The ex and I lasted so long because he let me be alone while we were together, even though I did not want to be alone.

I forget what the reading was, but at my friend's wedding recently, her father read something about essentially maintaining your independence while still being together. One line was something to the effect of "The elm and the sycamore do not shadow each other, but rather grow next to each other."

I think that is the type of relationship I need. One in which I can pretend to be independent yet actually be growing with my partner growing next to me. A different ex, from when I was in China, said to me when I was going to visit Molly in Shanghai, that he was going to worry about me a lot traveling alone on the train, but he knew that I was independent and would be fine. I need to find that again. And not be alone.