I think ever since I joined my program, I have put "PhD Candidate" on my CV. Many people will not put that until after they pass their qualifying exam/comprehensive exam/whatever you know it as. Although our department does have a Thesis Masters Program (M.S. versus M.A.), the PhD students have different expectations of them from Day 1, so I feel like I was always a PhD Candidate.
Anyhoo. Even though you come in as a PhD Student, to truly "qualify", at the end of our second year, there is a one-day five-essay exam. You are given a topic list and some of the questions are required and some you are given a choice between two questions to answer. Usually, people say that it was not so bad in retrospect, and they wish they had listened to the upper-level students who said so.
Then in the fall of your third year, you write a grant proposal on what you think you will do for your dissertation. This is helpful to put your whole project in perspective and plan out the next three years. I actually enjoyed this part and rather enjoy writing grants in general (sick, I know). I am lucky, because I have stuck to my proposal relatively closely, but not everyone does, then you have to rewrite. Bleh.
The strange thing is, after that proposal defense, you have no more hard deadlines. You are floating in limbo (or purgatory as I sometimes think of it) until you have enough data, the correct amount of published work, and become pushy enough to get out.
Both myself and the grad student who is a year ahead of me in my lab had a REALLY rough spring after that proposal defense. That was when she most seriously thought about leaving with a master's. That was also right after I had my thyroid removed and I was determined to be healthy. I ate pretty well, got plenty of sleep, took vitamins most days, exercised regularly, and yet was tired alllllll the time. When I found out my thyroid hormone levels were perfect with the replacement hormone and I told my doctor all the healthy stuff I had been doing, she paused, turned her chair around, looked me in the eye, and said, "You know, sometimes depression creeps up on people."
That's it. No follow up. No, "Would you like me to refer you to a therapist to talk things out?" or, "Would you like to talk to me about anything that has been bothering you?" Nope. Nothing.
Now there is a student who is a year behind me in our lab. She finished her proposal late, and I think is now going through that post-proposal slump. She is an international student and had a friend in her home country just pass away. She has not been taking care of herself. She thinks all these aches, pains, indigestion, head congestion, and anything else on any given day are due to allergies. I told her that the spring after the proposal seems to do weird things to people and do not just assume that she can not get out of bed because her allergies are really bad that day.
She has a plan to get to the gym three days a week. Hopefully she will start doing other things to take care of herself too.
Apparently, post-proposal depression is a right of passage. Good times.
8 comments:
Hmmmmm. This pattern has me wondering. How very difficult if that is the case for all of you. I am sorry to hear it was such a rough time for you. I know you still struggle with staying positive; do you think you are over your depressed period?
If claritin or other allergy medicines don't "fix" the problems for your friend, it sounds to me like it is time to go for her to go to a doctor. If the main focus of the visit is about depression, the doctor should take it seriously. However, if not, a different doctor or a counselor/therapist on campus might be able to help. Different doctors deal with different syndromes and conditions differently, unfortunately. And if it isn't the main focus of your visit, it seems to get pushed aside for me and for people I know. Just look at Amber; it took a year or more and at least 3 doctors to take her complaints seriously and realize she had a problem with her brainstem pressing against her skull! Crazy.
Maybe somewhere in the school they are monitoring people and they don't let people get their PHD until after they suffer clinical deppression and anxiety attacks!! Not that I believe everything is a conspiracy, but you know them aliens will do anything to screw with us!
The same thing happened to me when I was interviewing for summer positions my 2L year... once I finally chose a firm, I remember retreating into myself, and I was barely able to drag myself to class. I always thought that after times of intense effort, the relief would feel great. Funny how the aftermath can feel just as bad as than the preceding effort! (Or worse--because there's no "excuse" for feeling so bad!)
I second danielle--the first stop for physical (and emotional) symptoms like your labmate's is to the primary care physician, to rule out any physical (i.e., non-brain-chemistry) issues.
I've done a fair bit of reading on depression, and it was a while before it sunk in that it's not equal to feeling sad. That it can be a physical experience that takes over even if you're officially thinking positively or at least neutrally. When I get overstressed, my body reacts strongly. I was depressed without knowing it too, and my doctor didn't take me seriously either. Something is very wrong with medical schools that they don't give more emphasis to such a common problem.
It's true that depression does just come upon you. It's the not-needing-to-be sad or tired that defines it as depression, for me. It's too bad that medical doctors often have their heads up their asses when it comes to giving good advice about depression. I hope your friend/junior can get some advice and/or find something to give meaning and structure to her life. Typically I look for the next challenge. This works... for a while :-)
Danielle, I don't know why this happens! I think I am over it, but am hyper-aware of how I feel when because of my experience.
Ron, I think that is it. The whole right-of-passage thing. Stupid aliens.
Molly, feeling like you should be happy and out there probably doesn't help in those times either! I try not to pry in other people's business but do wish I wouldn't sound pushy when I talk to people about this kind of stuff. :-)
Spark, I feel like there are very few primary care physicians who think about the emotional health of their patients on a daily basis. I think a lot of ailments could be fixed with some emotional boosting too! I think you only realize the difference between sadness and depression when you realize you are or have been depressed.
Aurora, in retrospect, I think every time I have been super tired a lot, I have probably been depressed (except when I had mono:). I am totally with you on the distraction thing! Then again, I'm definitely a Type A personality.
The incidence of depression is WAY higher in graduate students than the general population. And in my experience it's worse in PhD students than, say, professional school (med or whatever) because of the nebulousness of the experience. I've struggled with it too, for sure.
Ern, the amazing thing is that no one talks about how tough grad school is on a non-intellectual level. When the topic comes up though, EVERYONE has a personal story about how they've wanted to quit. Crazy. No pun intended.
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