Time to reflect

I am laying with my cat on an air mattress in a nearly empty apartment. Tomorrow I head out of town for an overnight at my parents and then a 12 hour drive to my new home! I am moving closer to CF and in two weeks fly back for my dissertation defense. I have been extremely eager to leave, if you hadn't guessed, and anxious to have the move work out (logistics-wise).

While I have been finding a place between CF and my job to live, canceling utilities here, setting them up there, reserving relocubes to move, figuring out if I could even have them on the street here overnight, asking friends to help carry my stuff down two flights of stairs, getting my dissertation to my committee, seeing friends as much as possible, I have not spent much time thinking about actually leaving.

Today when one of the grad students told me he was going to miss having me around, then came to help me move with some snacks for my car ride, I realized that I will miss everyone here. That might be a no-brainer, but I just had not spent time thinking about it because I have been thinking about getting distance between my advisor and me. I have been trying to make a point of seeing people, sure, but not thinking about when I will see them again. Luckily, many of them I will see in 2 weeks for my defense and celebration!

This had been some long drawn-out post in my head, but phone calls interrupted my train of thought, so you are left with this. Oh, and this is where my cat hid while all the moving was going on.

Different view

While I have a definite defense day (woohoo!), two papers at various stages of revision, a non-refundable deposit sent for an apartment to move into near CF & my post-doc, packing and purging started for the move, I still do not know exactly when I am packing all my stuff up, have pods reserved to send my stuff off, or have my flights set to come back for my defense (because my defense is the first week in December, it makes more sense to move beforehand financially). But, rather than post another laundry list of the ups and DOWNS of this whole process with my advisor or how much I think about being near CF soon (!!!!), I will post some pictures of that roof I can see outside my bathroom window. I like the idea of taking photos of something over the seasons, and this is along those lines.


There have been some pretty spectacular sunsets over that roof. Maybe I will add to this collection if something different appears.

Pseudo-countdown

I have an idea of when I will be defending my PhD, but no set date yet. WOOHOO! I was pretty miserable Friday morning as my whole immediate family plus my brother's girlfriend were getting ready to head on vacation together. I had a meeting set up with my advisor essentially to let her know I was completely done and really wanted to set a defense date. Unbeknownst to me and true to form for her, she had been collecting my comittee members' schedules to set a date during the week. (This may explain why she did not meet my eye much during lab meeting on Monday.)

There are some nation-wide politics that are affecting how timely my paper can get reviewed. While my advisor thinks it is fair for me to wait through the review process, she said she does not think it is fair for politics to influence that. I am greatly relieved and can move ahead with actually transitioning. I can print out my dissertation!

Who knows how she came to this. She is pretty good at talking out of her butt. I would assume that she thought the paper would come back and we would discuss a timeline for what needed to be done and when I could defend. Several potential reviewers apparently refused to review the paper though, so she had to come up with a reason to back down from her publication rule and let me defend. For the record, I have one publication, one revised and resubmitted, and this other paper, so it is not as if I am leaving with no publication experience. Anyway. I feel better but remind myself that this does not erase how she has made me feel over the past months.

For now, I am going to go pack some boxes.

In the meantime

I have been walking around thinking of my life in blog posts or Facebook statuses...I think I have a problem. Of course, the bigger problem is that they are rarely positive posts or statuses (can I say statii??). I am so incredibly frustrated at school right now. I no longer care if people see me playing games on my computer during the work day. I am trying to plan things to do, but when I am invited to do something find it so easy to talk myself out of because I am tired of trying to make myself happy. They say money cannot buy happiness, but I sure feel like an extra $2-5,000 would make me a hell of a lot happier right now. I have given the rundown of my situation before, so feel free to stop reading...here we go.

I finished a draft of my dissertation the second to last week of August. On the "revisions" (and I use the term LOOSELY), my advisor wrote the date and time of when I sent her the original, but only the date that she gave it back to me. When I copied my responses for her, I added the time she notified me that it was in my box or outside her door because it was frequently long after she knew I had gone home for the day. Anyway. The second round of revisions I drew out as long as I could because she did not need to see it again before I give it to my committee. Seriously, about a month on revisions that could have been done in days.

I had to give a practice defense talk in lab meeting October 5th. Again, I drew out revisions doing half of them last week and half this week. Could have been done in an afternoon though.

I went through my reference file and made sure all species names were italicized in article titles and that all journals were appropriately abbreviated. (This actually was a productive form of procrastinating!)

I have cleaned out my office as much as possible, as the last stuff in here I might need again.

I have one publication, one paper revised and resubmitted, and a third I should get back any day.

I have a funded post-doc position in a good lab at a good university working for a woman who I have a good feeling about (and who my sister heard from a third party is "wonderful").

I received an email from the graduate school essentially saying, "I assume your dissertation is not complete, as I have not heard from you..." This has instilled a sense of hopelessness too. My dissertation was first completely drafted almost two months ago?! Do people think the reason I am not finishing is because I have not done enough work in a timely manner? That is not true!!!! Worst of all is if my committee and post-doc advisor thinks this!!! :-(

I have looked into housing where I will be moving, but feel uncomfortable contacting realtors/landlords if I do not know when I can commit to a lease.

I have been eating a lot, which is bad. But I suppose it is good in that I am not to the stressed-out point where I loose my appetite (although admittedly I am also eating despite not being hungry).

My cat had $350 of dental work done.

My car has about $1000 of work to do.

Moving is going to cost about $1200. I am planning to go with those PODS that they drop off and pick up for you. Less stressful than driving a truck 12+ hours, even with my Dad's help.

My family all leaves tomorrow for Disney World, and I am not going. Ever since they started planning it, I said I was not sure if I would be able to go. I had always thought it would be because I had started a new job though, not because I was still stuck in this miserable place wasting my time.

I have that feeling and taste in the back of my throat that I am getting sick. Let me tell you, a college campus is a big old germ farm.

I STILL DO NOT HAVE A DEFENSE DATE.

So in an ongoing effort to be happy and think about good things...
I actually made it to the gym three mornings this week! For some reason I was getting all down on myself about the two mornings that I kept hitting snooze until I realized this.

One of my best friends just got engaged last weekend to a wonderful man!!!

I get free lunch at school today with the visiting speaker from whom I took Animal Behavior TEN years ago in college.

Tomorrow I get to see my old roommate and her husband and daughter. They are having a joint birthday & brewing party.

Sunday I am having friends over for the Patriots game and making chili. YUM. One of those friends is one of my friends who is pregnant. I love pregnant ladies. :-)

I have started collecting boxes to pack and will start that this weekend too.

I donated a bunch of clothes and shoes. I have some old linens to bring to the animal shelter.

I think that is about it. I am going to go make another cup of tea. This time it will be Kava Stress Relief Tea. It says right on it, "For a stronger effect, use 2 tea bags."

I think it is going to be that kind of day.

A treat

Ron bestowed this lovely award on me. Which gives me something non-grad school related to post as well as another form of procrastination. [Is it still procrastination if you have no deadline to work towards?]It is the over-the-top award. Not sure if I should be honored to get it. I have been a little over the top with the complaining as of late. Whatev.

The rules:

• Copy and change the answers to suit you and pass it on.
• Answers may be one word only
• Once you have filled it out be sure to pass it on to 6 of your favorite bloggers.
• Alert them that they have been awarded!
• Have fun!

1. Where is your cell phone? Floor
2. Your hair? Reddish-brownish
3. Your mother? Cooky
4. Your father? Reserved
5. Your favorite food? Fattening
6. Your dream last night? Baby (not mine)
7. Your favorite drink? wine (right now)
8. Your dream/goal? Family
9. What room are you in? Living
10. Your hobby? Facebook :-)
11. Your fear? Babyless
12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? Home
13. Where were you last night? Yoga
14. Something that you aren’t? PhD
15. Muffins? Pumpkin! (just made them)
16. Wish list item? Kayak
17. Where did you grow up? Vermont
18. Last thing you did? Bake
19. What are you wearing? Sweats
20. Your TV? Off
21. Your pets? Warm
22. Friends? Yup
23. Your life? Stressful
24. Your mood? Bored
25. Missing someone? Yes
26. Vehicle? 60,000-miles
27. Something you’re not wearing? Toga
28. Your favorite store? Loft
29. Your favorite color? Brown
30. When was the last time you laughed? Tuesday
31. Last time you cried? Today (almost)
32. Your best friend? Which?
33. One place that I go to over and over? Campus (BLECH)
34. One person who emails me regularly? 'Rents
35. Favorite place to eat? Rudy's!

Ron, note the one-word answers (aside from the explanations)? :-) I am sure you are all thrilled to read the randomness...

Anyone else want to do it? Go right ahead! I won't tell anyone if you steal the award.

Turn that frown upside down

It has been a struggle to try to find the good in my current situation - you know being trapped somewhere I do not want to be just because, despite fulfilling my obligations and training, my advisor needs to use what she can to maintain some power dynamic she thinks is important. I have pushed to set a defense date and failed and been miserable in the meantime. Since I had my last break-down (I was going to say melt-down, but it was way more than that) the beginning of September, I have had to decide to let it go for the sake of my mental and physical health. Pushing and trying to get out is not worth the mental anguish. I have a funded job, one published paper, one being resubmitted, one coming back from review and my full dissertation through two rounds of revisions. People in academia who I have told my advisor's publishing rule and all that I have accomplished are shocked that this situation is not more flexible.

But because of my efforts to let go of the anxiety and anger, I am very sensitive to other negativity right now. And this may seem like a random segue, but I promise that the feelings I have in response to the shock many have over Obama receiving the Nobel Peace Prize are very similar in frustration, sadness, and almost anxiety. I am not saying that perhaps the committee could have waited until he had had success in his international diplomacy, but I think that people get caught up in their feelings about domestic policy and their overall disagreement with him being president, and that is not what the Peace Prize is about (unless I misunderstand this whole Peace thing).

So here are the questions I have:

Even if the suggestion that the committee is interfering with the health care policy being developed now in the United States by honoring Obama this way, who cares? Aren't we getting involved in another countrys' politics when we and other countries essentially send our military to places around the world? Or support one politician in a foreign election over another?

Again, not arguing that Obama doesn't have a long way to go in his efforts, but isn't it possible that the committee is trying to build momentum to actually achieve nuclear disarmament and international collaboration? How are these bad things? If children are constantly told to stop fighting and just get along, why can't countries be held to the same simple standard?

I think it is important to acknowledge that this is not something Obama did. This is a decision made by a foreign committee. You can not lay blame on someone for receiving a Peace Prize, and it feels like that is behind some comments I have read. Is it so bad that America is rising in the esteem of the international community? That they are encouraging his efforts in international diplomacy, and perhaps domestic issues, because they already hope for change as he does? Are stagnancy and isolationism good things? It is promising to me that foreign countries are encouraged by the difficult discussions going on in the American political arena.

Truly, I am sitting here tearing up because I struggle with being hopeful for myself every day - hope that I can move soon, that my post-doc will work out, that my relationship will work out, that someday I will have my own family and career and be happy. I wish all this negativity and skepticism could sometimes be redirected into positive and hopeful expectations for the international community, because it is really difficult to avoid all the negative around me.