Fulfilling

As I get closer and closer to my move back to the East Coast, I am enjoying my time here and knowing I will miss many of the people and things here. One is the church that I joined.

I got to be a confirmation mentor this year, and I am very grateful the pastor asked me if I was interested. My mentee is a kind, sweet, energetic, and thoughtful young woman. The confirmation class gave her an opportunity to think about issues that youth do not get the time to consider in other facets of their life. How often does a child really sit and think and discuss topics like faith, belief, poverty, kindness, service, or love? And I do not think you have to have a specific religion to make discussing these topics valuable. I see the youth who went through the process and they gain a certain maturity. One in the group of five decided that he did not want to confirm his faith because of difficult topics discussed throughout the year. The statements of faith that these children wrote were beautiful. The common theme was about how they struggle with Christians who do not love everyone, but say they do it in the name of their religion. They recognize that even within a religion their are different takes on how to practice that religion, and it frustrates them.

My mentee and I did not know each other at all when we started this process, and after this experience, I am sad that I will not see her continue to grow because I am moving away. I did tell her that I would love to continue hearing what she is doing even though I am leaving. She gave me this cross and a stone that says "Faith" as a gift. I love it.

The associate pastor who runs the youth programs is on vacation, so I volunteered to help with youth group tonight. I came home to my house being 57 degrees and not a bottle of red wine in the house, so a cup of tea it was. The message on my tea* was fitting.

 

I spent quite some time getting a couple of activities ready for youth group. Another adult had mentioned he would do the Bible study part, so I had been thinking about how to keep 6 to 10 middle and high schoolers busy the rest of the time. I came up with a candy ball and Bible mad libs. We actually filled the 2 hours well with dinner and activities, and it was fun! A pretty decent success.

It does not hurt that I totally have crushes on the associate pastor and the guy with whom I did youth group tonight. Maybe a post for another time, but don't hold your breath. :-)

 *If you have never had any Yogi tea, it is worth picking up a box just for the messages - they are great!

Over it, but technically not

I've been busy enough lately that I do not feel like sitting down and writing for an hour before going to bed instead of watching TV for an hour, and I have several post drafts waiting in a queue to actually get written. While I have some time on a Saturday night, why not start with what I'm sure many people wonder about (because lots of people ask me about it, and really this blog is about me, right?): What is the deal with me and CF?

Recap: 18 months after I moved away from family and friends for our relationship, he made the decision against my better judgment to take one job over another, and the new job required that he move further West. Further away from my family on the East Coast and his in Europe. I make sure that it is known that he has his dream job, but to me it still did not make sense. It has been 18 months since CF left to start a new job in another state. I was Absolutely. Miserable. for several months after he left. I was functioning and doing laundry and cooking and getting out once in a while, but most nights I would sit in front of the TV and cry a time or two. My friend in lab was surprised recently to learn how often I would fight the tears (sometimes losing, even during the day), as he never saw me crying. (Go me?)

The year of 2012 slowly shifted though. I hesitate to point out all the frustrating things and make it sound like I tried a lot harder than CF to make it work, but...

Over the course of the year I slowly got over the fact that he left me (but we were still together). I traveled to him in September, he traveled here in October, and then I think Christmas was the next time we saw each other. In hindsight, Christmas was his last chance to make some grand gesture to possibly put our relationship back on track...or at least try. He gifted puzzles. Lots of puzzles. And it was almost like the icing on the cake with my feelings about our relationship.

You see, CF loves putting together puzzles. He will stay up until all hours of the night to finish one, much like I have done to finish a good book. He and I had this discussion last year about how I was so frustrated that he was spending his time on puzzles when he should be finishing his dissertation (still not done to my knowledge) or getting things done to make time for our relationship. Then he frames completed puzzles for several Christmas gifts. Then another person left his company and he inherited farms. And he got super busy with work.

And we have not spoken since before Valentine's Day, but technically we have not broken up. What am I, 12 years old?!

It gets more ridiculous...

Actual "conversation" before I headed to my parents' for a weekend in March for a belated celebration of my Dad's 60th birthday about which I never blogged, but it was quite fun...(Background repeat: We hadn't spoken since before Valentine's Day.)

I did randomly call him after that, and he never called me back...but he has randomly texted me late at night since then, likely because he's hanging out with friends and drunk and not afraid to do so. Thanks, alcohol.

He figured out from my sister's posts on FB that my grandfather died...and sent me a FB message.

I called him that weekend...and he didn't return my call, but did text me more than 24 hours after I called to apologize that he'd missed my call! Yay?

Easter weekend, I tried to psych myself up to call him and get it over with. Easter = new beginnings, right? What did I do? Not call him. I proceded to repeat this on many evenings throughout the spring.

Then he sent me a FB message on my birthday. Not even a post on my wall or a card in the mail or a call or a text. His mom sent me a card though! And his sister sent me a message to see if I received it.

His friend and I play wordswithfriends, and she asked if he and I were still together. Keep in mind, he lives close to her and her BF and I assume they've seen each other at some point in the past three months.

So instead of calling, because I clearly am a 12 year old girl, I texted him asking if we were ever going to speak again and if we consider our relationship effectively over.

To which he responded 48 hours later: Yes and I don't know.

(He uses his one and only phone for work, so it is not like it would've taken him 48 hours to see my message.)


Okay. I get it. This is ridiculous. I FEEL ridiculous. I also recognize that I am not the only one in this situation. CF is in this situation and also chooses, for whatever his reasons are, not to call me. Part of my problem is that I am pretty happy right now, quite honestly. I have made a life, friends, and activities for myself here. I also have a sh*&-ton of things to do in the next 2 1/2 months before moving back to the East Coast (hurray!!!). Dealing with CF is still hanging over my head, but I don't think about it. I don't want to deal with it because it isn't happy. So sue me.

Pizza/cheese bread-like

I had a head of cauliflower in the fridge for a while. I have no idea why I bought it, but decided to try a couple of recipes in which cauliflower makes the "bread". I thawed some of the tomato sauce I made in my crockpot at the end of last summer, and it was a lovely compliment to this delicious cheese "bread" recipe and this cauliflower crust "pizza".

With the pizza crust, I used two egg whites and added some flax meal.

Both recipes are pretty easy, and while the cauliflower is cooking, you can cook other things and clean up. The crust is surprisingly sturdy to toppings! It is a little bendy, but if you basically put one layer of (mixed) toppings, and slice it in smaller sized pieces, you can definitely pick it up. I also tried a flax crust a while back. Apparently I liked the flax better. It probably held more. The cauliflower crust is certainly more cost effective though.

[And looky here...Apparently I have made a cauliflower pizza crust before and enjoyed it. I did not follow my advice to go light on the toppings previously though! Also, looks like I made it on a pizza stone before, but cooking it on a metal pan with parchment paper (sprayed with olive oil) is the way to go.]

Whirlwind

I am pretty sure the last two weeks have taken about a month to get through. I was looking forward to sleeping in my own bed tonight after 10 days on the road, but alas. The travel goddesses caught up with me, and I am spending another night at a hotel in VA. Although, US Airways gave me a voucher with no hassle for a nice Hilton, so I cannot complain too much. My cat might have a different opinion after being alone for so long (with my neighbor checking on her).

Last time I posted was a bit on the depressing side. I definitely got myself worked up for nothing, and would have better spent the emotional energy in some other manner. My grandfather's visiting hours and funeral were sad and nice. My Mom is from a small town, and a lot of the relatives still live there. In fact, my grandfather's spouse's relative commented that she did not realize my grandfather had so many relatives. I caught up with a cousin who I had not seen in years, which was great. I had found his sister and another cousin on FB, and he friended me after we talked for a while.

So...I started this post a while ago and then got distracted with Cupcake Wars...and I need to get up in a few hours for my ridiculously early flight...So, here are some photos. Proof that I was off doing things like a bridal shower...

 

...and a trip to where I will be starting a job this summer...

 

  

...and a meeting near Colonial Williamsburg...

Okay, so none of those pictures *PROVE* anything. You'll just have to trust me that they are what I say they are. :-)

Last one standing

My Mother's immediate blood line now only goes down to her kids. Her brother passed away in November, and her father passed away Thursday night. She has lots of cousins, but she is the last one of the immediate family in which she grew up. It is difficult to explain, or even figure out, how I feel about this. It is a surprisingly complicated situation. The woman who previously I referred to as his girlfriend became his wife. Ironically, at the end of a post venting about the situation, I finished with "I seriously feel like I just lost my grandfather." This is some random rambling about the whole family thing as I try to do a million things and squeeze in my grandfather's funeral.

My Mom's brother was one of a few alcoholics in that generation of cousins. As far as I remember or know, my uncle was the one who was never a recovering alcoholic for very long. He was arrested a long time ago, I think because he was drunk and disorderly and then pulled a knife on the cop who was handling the situation. Then he skipped bail, headed to the West Coast, and never came back East.

My brother lived in the same city where our uncle was, but I think my Mom did not want our uncle knowing my brother lived there and then showing up on my brother's door step. If he ever started AA, he never got to the apologizing step, and my Mom did not have the emotional stores to reach out or make amends of any sort. I think she held on to bitterness that he was the prodigal son type. Their parents sent him money. Stored his stuff. Always wanted to him to come back. They never seemed to show the same caring towards her in her eyes. A recent sermon by the pastor at my church gave me great perspective on the prodigal son story, and I shared it (and a link to the service so she could hear the sermon) with my Mom. The take home message: The prodigal son story is one of mercy. Her parents loved her just as much, but even though her brother was delinquent, that does not erase the joy they would have had at his homecoming. I think the important realization I hope she can get to is that their actions were not committed to hurt her, but purely an aspect of their relationship with their lost son. Now he is gone, and we know he had a woman in his life. I know my mother will look into his passing to know that he was not alone and to know why he died.

She was sad about her brother passing, although they only communicated every several-several years. At Christmas I told her that it makes perfect sense that she would be sad - She no longer had that feeling of her brother being out there. Maybe she always hoped they could have some heart-to-heart about how he left her to deal with their aging parents. Or how much she hurt that she felt in their parents eyes he could do no wrong and she could do no right. I don't know.

A week ago, my Mom found out that her father was on comfort care only, so it was only a matter of days before he passed. She and my Dad had HORRIBLE colds, or she maybe would have thought about considering to try to maybe visit him. Because my sister will be taking a vacation, she had decided to visit him assuming she would be out of the country for his funeral. Then we found out he had passed. This comes at a time when I have a trip planned starting Friday, my sister and her family have a trip to Spain starting Thursday, and my brother and his wife live across the country and JUST went back to my parents two weeks ago. As my Mom said, "Work, time, money, and plans all work against us, don't they?"

In reality, I do not feel any of us 'owed' him a visit. We grandkids tried a few times to keep in contact with him, even when my mother had enough (but before he brought legal proceedings against her). Yet I would regret it if I did not have any closing contact, be it a visit even if he was not conscious or his funeral. I think we lost the man we knew about 3 years ago, but at least I never mourned that loss. In fact, after the post I linked to above (or maybe it was before I got that letter), I visited him, had lunch with he and the woman, and when it was just he and I he brought up my mother mis-managing his money. I did not hesitate to challenge him on this and tell him it was his responsibility to speak with my mother about this. When I left, I went to my grandmother's grave and asked her how she could let him do this to the family. Why was she not coming to him in his dreams or something. My Mom also found out (thanks to it being a small town and her cousins being there) that when he made friends at a care home, his "caring wife" moved him to a new one. To us it was clear that she was isolating him and trying to get as much of his money as possible, and he thought she loved him. My mother made an anonymous report to the state for elderly abuse (she was no longer communicating with him and did not want her name associated with it); she later found out that a care giver where he was staying also filed a report.

Even though we all felt we had lost him already, it is still different now that he is gone. This morning at church, I had to stop myself from crying when I thought about leaving the church after his funeral and his casket being carried out. I have been trying to get a few experiments done in lab this weekend so that it would be easier to travel to his funeral. I was in lab until after 10 pm on a Saturday night and the two experiments I did did not work. Then I tried to call CF to *finally* *officially* confirm that we are no longer in a relationship (long story for a different post), and he did not answer. So I cried on the way home and then went to bed immediately.

I have played over in my head how to interact with my grandfather's "wife", if necessary, in order to make it clear that I really do not care about her and she is not our family, without being a total bitch. At the visiting hours, will we make our own little circle in the back? Will my Mom *really* want to stand with the woman and greet people? On the other hand I look forward to seeing the extended family. My Mom was the little blond cousin growing up, or at least that is how I always pictured it when I see she and her grown male cousins together. I love that they act like big brothers, harassing her over the years and more recently giving her updates on her father when it was important. I know they will give her big hugs and make her laugh.

Who knows. Thoughts, prayers, strength, or suggestions on how to be rude politely are all welcome.

Asian cucumber salad, et al.

In case you haven't heard, people often put their best face forward on the internet. I have certainly posted the less positive happenings in my life, but when it comes to things I have made in the kitchen, I keep it purely to the success stories. Here are some recent ones.

My new favorite way to eat cucumbers. I julienne them with the mandoline I got for Christmas. Then I add some garlic roasted sesame seeds (I bought them this way, I don't roast my own sesame seeds), rice wine vinegar, sesame oil, and a dab of Sriracha for spice...oh, and some chopped green onions if you have them. I loooooove me some sesame.

It is cucumber spaghetti! Come to think of it, that might be a fun silly way to cut cucumbers for kids old enough to chew their food adequately...

Do not worry - I evened out the healthiness with a bacon wrapped filet because, well, they are only a few dollars at Aldis. It was delicious.

Other successes that are making it more difficult to fit back into my skinny pants...

Guinness brownies and Chai spiced blondies.