Closure

It has been a couple of months since I wrote about CF, and this, well, this may be the last time. I had this email planned in my head at the end of spring that I would send to my friends giving them the FYI that I had finally had The Talk. I texted a couple of friends one night after drafting an email to him. Yes, an email. Yes, after knowing each other almost 5 years and being a couple, at least technically, for at least 4 1/2 of those years. It is crazy to me that it has been that long every time I think about it. Both friends basically suggested I sleep on it. Smart ladies. And I am pretty sure they do not have each others' phone numbers to call/text to say, "WTF with Jenski?! Let's give her the same advice." ;-) But I did sleep on it and then also never called him.

I have been slowly untagging some pictures and deleting some others on the FB. I had long ago made my relationship status private, but then made it single some time in the past couple of months. CF texted me as he was waiting to get on a plane to see his family and told me that it wouldn't be the same without me. I texted back to make sure he did not let anyone think we are still in a relationship. He said, "Nice. Thanks." So I said, "Well, thank you too then." Mature, huh?

Anyway. I also took apart a puzzle he had put together and framed for me for Christmas (see first link in the post for why this puzzle thing irks me). I took it apart tonight to make room on my wall for an art fair purchase, and really why would I move a large framed item that makes me feel irritated when I look at it?

Any thoughts on what I should do with the pieces? I took a picture of the completed puzzle, so maybe I will bring it to my parents' house or give it to someone who likes puzzles.

 

I still have things I felt I needed to say to him, being that we literally just stopped talking to each other. To make sure he understands how his job decision affected me. How his behavior affected me. I thought maybe my last night in the apartment I would sit on my porch and write to him. I was thinking about it too much, and I have other things to do though. So a couple of nights ago, I sat on my porch, had a beer, wrote some pages, and cried a few more times.

As I said on my Instagram photo (get on Instagram, y'all!), I am sure I had more to say, but 7 pages should do it.

It was a lovely sunset that night.

Stories abound

All this leaving and moving comes with lots of compliments and ego boosts and people realizing that they have limited time with me living here. Distractions and things to do, when I have work to do.

Posts to write about how life in general is isolating, no matter who you are; the irony of being a single woman with no children feeling like I need 'me time'; wondering what life would be like if I wasn't living off a single modest income; wishing I was honest, even when I wasn't asked; pretending I was thinking about science, when really I was thinking about life.

I am going to pretend to think about science for a little while longer before cleaning the bug spray off and going to bed...only to go to church in the morning, then lab, then get a boat ride if I am lucky, and then maybe get more work done. Whatever I do, I need my beauty sleep so I look good for the men in my life.

Look! Gratuitous sunset picture!

So much to say

So many titles I can give the randomness could be this post, but it's getting late and I need some sleep so I can try to get some work done tomorrow. Three weeks tonight until I am living in a new place. It's crazy. Scary. I try not to think about all the things I want to do before then. All the things I could have done.

But enough about work.

My sister is a smart lady. She saw this crush happening and was worried what might happen if I pursued it. Never fear. I wanted too much to be back on the right coast near friends and family to let the possibility of a relationship pop up on my radar for real and keep me in this Midwest town.

As I type this, I am on the FB with one of my favorite contemporaries joking about redecorating his bathroom next week when I will be the second adult with my other favorite contemporary at summer youth "group"/hang out while the former goes to some show he wants to go to. We chat every other night or so on the FB. Sometimes during the work day. Minimally at church because I'm awkward like that. Le, sigh.

The other night, he informed me this should be my new theme song.

Aw.

Last night I think I started saying good-bye to people. It was the year-end handbell dinner. People gave me cards and hugs and it is kinda sad. We met at the home of the woman with whom I was paired prior to joining the church. Her daughter lives in a neighborhood of Boston and teaches school in a town near my sister. Her husband passed away several years ago. She herself was a teacher and just took early retirement at the end of this school year. She encouraged me to ring bells. She feels sorta like an aunt. She keeps track of me and what is going on in my life. I was in my car as one of the last three and she and I ended up talking for another 30 minutes while the mosquitoes had their fill. Over the course of the conversation though, she informed me that the one contemporary, RM if you're still with me on this random story, is going to miss me. I think she meant because I have started being involved with the youth at church and am mostly willing to take on organizational/leadership-type responsibilities and will say yes when asked as long as I do not have something else specifically planned. There is the other 'what if' side still...see the song suggestion he gave me above and any previous discussion of avoiding the over-thinking college woman I was so I don't get wrapped up in the what-ifs and get my stuff written and my apartment packed and my butt moved so I can start my career for reals.

Favorite breakfast = awesome dinner

I am heading out of town tomorrow for what will be a great wedding/mini college reunion, and I get to see my sister and her family too! As a result of traveling though, I have random food in the house with no clear meal plan for a few days. Last night, I did something brilliant.

I thawed apple cider that was in the freezer since the fall. I think I will always freeze a little for a treat other times in the year now!

I mixed the apple cider with some vanilla vodka and cinnamon.

I made french toast with some yummy thick sliced whole grain bread and put butter and real maple syrup on it.

Then I sat on my porch and had breakfast for dinner.

(Note: Favorite breakfast = delicious french toast, not vanilla vodka.)

Greatly loved

I am doing many things that feel like procrastination, but really I am clearing my head so I can focus and get more writing done. (That's my story, and I'm sticking to it.) The good news is that I should get word that my research paper is accepted for publication soon, the bad news is my boss and I are writing a review of our research topic that is due in July. Yesterday friends came over and we did work together, took a ride on my neighbor's boat, did some more work, then they forced me to watch the first two episodes of Downton Abbey. More bad news, because now I have to keep watching! But this was the sunset.

Also just called my Dad and checked that off the list on this Father's Day. Only whenever I talk to my parents, and I make an observation about their choices, they take it personally and get all worked up. Really I just want to hear my Dad sound grateful for the fact that he can collect unemployment instead of thinking the system is messed up, that he shouldn't be able to collect unemployment, and yet he is anyway because he can. And then joking that you wish Obama could be reelected when Obama isn't the one who came up with the idea of unemployment benefits isn't funny either. Really I just want my Mom to ask my Dad to go walking with her so he has the option open all the time instead of assuming he never will. "We'll walk together when we retire." To which I responded, "Why wait until you retire?" I should have added, "What if one of you dies before then? That's lost time."

But back to the idea of being loved that I meant to write about. I find myself becoming emotional in funny situations recently. The interim pastor at my church is a very friendly outgoing person who has lots of stories to tell thanks to his many past interim positions. His first week, at the end of the service, he explained that he always ends services by telling those gathered one specific thing:

Go out into the world knowing this, that you are Greatly loved.

I have teared up both times I have heard him say it. It occurred to me today that while I know my family and friends love me, knowing it is an intellectual thing. Living alone and not being in a relationship or having my own immediate family means that I am not reminded on a daily basis that I am loved. It really is important to tell the people you love that you love them. This is not a plea for y'all to email me or call me, either. :-) There are things that remind me that I am loved. I know my kitty loves me!

[back story] I did get a good smile and hi from VM today. I was already thinking about all the things I had to do when RM asked me if I wanted to feel his shaved head (courtesy of the church school because they reached a goal for their mission project), so it ended up awkward instead of funny. I was asked if I would want to lead a week of Sunday school this summer, so I am checking with VM's SIL to see if she wants to do it with me. Why not? :-) My boss bringing up a going away party for me and making a sad face when she did. Time spent with my friends yesterday who are so funny about becoming parents, and amazed at how much I know without having my own child, and being good enough friends that the mom-to-be shares her long leg hairs with me (long story). AND my aunt just FB messaged me, so that is funny. Nice moments like that are reminders that you are loved, but still not the same as hearing someone tell you what you mean to them.

I also have this strong sense of belonging to everything and being a part of everything that often makes me want to just sit and be. That sounds all very 60s and hippie, but pretty much when I watch the sunsets on the lake I am not thinking of anything and am truly just amazed at how beautiful it is. It is overwhelming (in a positive way, but not in a get-your-work-done kind of way) when you have the time to think of these things. Maybe not as overwhelming as cleaning up puke on your birthday, but still. ;-)

These words get at just this feeling, and I love them. I will often listen to the song on repeat when it comes up in the car.

I know a please a thank you and a smile will take me far,
I know that I am you and you are me and we are one,
I know that who I am is numbered in each grain of sand,
I know that I've been blessed again, and over again.

~ Originally by Keali'i Reichel , Cover by Sweet Honey in the Rock that I have

I learned this song from a mix made by one of my college roommates. Senior year, one of my roommates had the awesome idea that we should all put together mixes, she would burn the CDs, and we would have a mix of music from each of us. (I think we are still missing two???)

Mosquito arsenal

Warning, and you're welcome: random complaining about mosquito bites includes photos of my most recent.

Some of you readers may have seen the awesome reaction I sometimes get to bug bites. I do not know if mosquitoes like me more than your average human, or I have a stronger reaction to their bites, or both. According to this website, it is entirely possible that I am a cursed mosquito magnet. Regardless, this is my current arsenal for preventing and treating mosquito bites.

I also bought some citronella candles today for when I am sitting on my screened-in, but not sealed, porch to supplement the plug in bug-zapper I have.

The same website linked above suggests that fruits and veggies that are lower in potassium than others help to prevent bites. Apparently this means blueberries, apples, watermelon, cucumbers, cabbage, and green peppers instead of potatoes, prunes, raisins, spinach, bananas, lima beans, and acorn squash. Here are some more prevention suggestions, some of which are repeats so maybe that makes them better to focus on? Down the road, I will consider some of these environmental options for repelling mosquitoes.

Interestingly, I have also read a little about preventing sun burns and sun damage through your diet, and foods high in antioxidants (like blueberries! and tomatoes) can help. Maybe to prevent sunburn and mosquito bites, I should just eat lots of blueberries...

So I spray myself if I leave my apartment or screened in porch, yet this is what I end up with. You're totally welcome for the visual.

The bites on the right actually are not too bad, and I would expect them to heal in a few days if I do not scratch them.

I killed what I think was the mosquito that bit me in the left picture. I was wearing leggings and did not think it got me. Clearly I was wrong, but now it's dead and cannot do this to another person. I think this was from Wednesday night, and it looks a million times better than two days ago. I tried cortisone cream first, then oral antihistimine when that did nothing. It was still itchy, swollen, red, and hot. So for two days I have been applying cortisone cream and antibiotic ointment twice a day and keeping it covered. This has helped, but I am left with what looks like a round bruise. From experience, this could take a very long time to heal. Again, I don't know if this is an extreme inflammation from an allergic response or from an infection, but given that this happens several times a year, I think it is an inflammatory reaction to the actual mosquito. My guess is that I probably have different reactions to different species, but it's hard to compare what they look like when they are squished and your blood is all over your hand after they've sucked you dry.

My niece gets bad reactions too, so my sister and I have talked about this multiple times. DEET has worked to prevent the bites for her this year, and as much as I hate the idea of spraying DEET on myself, maybe it's time to wear long pants and shirts, spray myself with DEET, and shower every night before I go to bed. Yuck (to the DEET, not the showering).