We got some winter weather here in the mid-Atlantic, and while I am still crossing my fingers for a snow day tomorrow, I was just informed that it is not that bad outside. This means that I really, really need to finish putting together some sort of powerpoint for my last lecture of my first semester as a professor (holy crap?!).
You know what weekends are good for though? Distractions. I have generally been doing non-work related social things on weekends, and this weekend was no different. This is becoming a weekly installment of getting my distractions out there so I can do work. Earlier today I thought about posting, and probably should have so that I could do work now, but am back to struggling with how much I want to post here for a couple of reasons - I have tried really hard in recent years to not over analyze life, and posting about my personal life seems to counteract those efforts. Plus I always think about how much I should post about other people and who reads this who may know who I am but I do not realize they read it and privacy and if I care if the subject of a post ended up reading that post someday and....
Anyway, my Friday and Saturday evening were both spend with men. Friday was a second date with one guy and Saturday was the gazillionth time I have hung out with another. In between has been texting with both of them. Shall we discuss chronologically?
Friday was an, oh, 6 hour second date. I think I have mentioned before that if I am not terribly interested in someone, I find myself to be a pretty good conversationalist because I feel no pressure to impress that person. (Although because I am comfortable in my being single and am okay with the idea of remaining so, I think that makes me more at ease and a better conversationalist in these dating situations too.) Also, a dating situation earlier in the fall made me admit to myself that if I do not find a guy attractive enough that I think further interactions will increase his attractiveness to me, then it is not worth more than a first date. I would say this guy is somewhere in between. The problem is that a couple of times I compared him (in my head) to an ex-ex: he is somewhat entrepreneurial (started his own company), is an engineer, and has a couple of sporty cars. So am I looking for things to be wrong with someone? Are these even things that bother me? I think it is more that these things do not impress me, but they do not unimpress me. He definitely is interested in me, so I guess we will see where this all leads.
Saturday, after catching up with college friends at one of their holiday open houses, BIL guy came over to watch Christmas movies. I think he needs a new nickname. At this point I likely know him better than my BIL does. :-) So, Friend Guy? Friendish Guy? What-the-hell-is-going-on Guy? Take your pick, but he changed some of his plans to come over, drink wine, and watch Christmas movies with me (Love Actually, Emmet Otter, and the original Grinch cartoon...followed by UTube randomness). And we just did what we always do. Drink and talk for hours. That's it. So, um, we have had two completely platonic-ish sleep overs now necessitated by the fact that we live far enough apart that in order to go home, one of us would have to not drink to be able to drive or else take what would not be a cheap cab ride home (not exactly the way I would chose to spend my limited disposable income).
Here is where the not over-analyzing comes into play because as I was reflecting on last night, I found myself projecting on his behavior, as in, if I had done certain things he did, it would be because I am a certain way; but I have no way of knowing if that is an explanation for his behavior. Case in point: After telling me about how long it takes him to fall asleep, and me telling him what a good sleeper I am, he totally fell asleep before me when we stopped talking. If that was me, it would be because I was super comfortable in the situation (in a good way, not in a non-caring way). Anyway. After last night, I was thinking that I will just let it be and leave it up to him to suggest the next hang out, and then I was disappointed about that thought. He has since initiated a couple of txt conversations today, and there is one weekend left before he heads home for Christmas, soo.....
So, it should be an interesting end to my 2013. Boys, holidays, What-the-hell-is-going-on Guy's birthday. Oh, and work...Back to that lecture....
08 December 2013
01 December 2013
Distracted with work to do
This weekend was wonderful and awful. I am thankful, grateful, sad, tired, and wondering how to get all the work done that I need to get done. I had grand plans for the weekend, but did not manage to go running (too freakin' cold at my parents' house) or do any commenting/grading on lab reports I have (I forgot I had them...) or work on comments from reviewers on a paper. So, in true Jenski form, I will just spill some randomness to get it out there, so I can focus better.
I am practicing not discussing anything of substance when surrounded by my family. I think that many of you have already discovered the wisdom of this practice. Over the past couple of years I have realized that while people care that you have an opinion, they do not necessarily care what that opinion is and would rather not have you challenge theirs. Your family you are stuck with, so it is best to practice this skill with them. While you choose your friends, it is as if by choosing them you decide it is okay if you have different opinions and therefore it is safe to discuss them.
I do not think I know when my mother things she is being sarcastic or funny. She always sounds judgmental and angry when she comments on things, and then when I try to talk her down she gets actually angry at me. Or maybe she is just judgmental and angry, but she frequently acts exasperated when I comment, so I think she is trying to be funny. I may never know.
My grandmother is quickly going down hill with her late onset Alzheimers. This week my Dad and Uncle are taking her to the home they had all checked out when her mind was working (slightly) better to have lunch and leave her there (and with dementia/Alzheimers patients they do not want you to visit for a few weeks so the person adjusts to their new home). My Dad and I talked quite a bit about the situation, and he knows that this is all more difficult for him (and his brothers) than it is for her, but he is dreading the idea of Christmas. How my Grandmother adapts to living in the home will determine whether the medical staff thinks it is okay to take her out for Christmas. (If she is not adjusting well, they will recommend against it.) Every time I am home, the older generation comments that I will be surprised at how bad my grandmother is, but really I am not. I am prepared to not be able to have a real conversation with her and for her to not remember anything and be confused. I wonder if they are surprised that I am not more upset by it?
Family friends stopped over Friday with their kids, all six of whom they adopted from the foster care system and three of whom I babysat. We usually see them at Christmas, but the dad had been fairly persistent that they stop by while all of us were there. My brother and his wife were in town, and I guess they hadn't met my SIL before. Then the dad died. That night. In the car while his wife was driving. While this was very much sudden and very much completely unexpected, there have been many strange coincidences over the past few weeks leading up to his death. I went in to the hospital with my parents, then we helped get the family and their cars home and waited while the grandmother, two aunts, and nephew drove the four hours in the middle of the night. It was a long night for me, but it will be a very tough holiday season for the Mom and kids. He asked me how life was, I talked with the Mom about teaching, and as they were leaving, he made sure to check in to see if I had a Man in my life. He always asked about that, hence the capital 'M'. When I did have one, he asked about the status of the relationship. In the car, I guess he told his wife I never change (I am pretty sure in a good way!). I am glad they stopped, that I got to say good bye to him, and spend some time with the family. I am hoping and praying the family sticks together and gets through this; a couple of the kids have had rougher lives than others and will not have an easy time dealing with this loss.
Last weekend I got to catch up with some friends from Boston who are atheists. Much of my family no longer practices any religion and no longer has any particular belief and/or also identifies as an atheist. I, to this day, do not know what I believe but in recent years have found and participated in Christian churches with beliefs in various civil rights and investment in public service that I place value in. These values and practices are in secular lives as well, and I think that whether a person is religious or non-religious does not determine their investment in these issues and practices. Both religious and non-religious people are judgmental about the other, which is fairly obvious if you ever are exposed to an ounce of news coverage. See above for my current approach to these topics when with my family. Interestingly, I did not bring up my church attendance with my friends last weekend, mainly because of the meeting they were attending and the people we were surrounded with. Although I did talk about church with the one friend when it was just she and I hanging out, so it may follow my argument above comparing conversations with family and friends.
Boys are boys. My SIL (and my sister who actually reads this) will be disappointed to learn that BIL guy and I just. hung. out. again tonight. And decorated my tree together, because that's what platonic friends do, right? And also I am not willing to put myself out on a limb if there is any possibility of rejection, and I'm okay with that (see previous relationships chronicled on this very blog).
Occasionally I will wonder about the title of my blog, but tonight is one of those times I realize just how fitting it is. Where to start?
I am practicing not discussing anything of substance when surrounded by my family. I think that many of you have already discovered the wisdom of this practice. Over the past couple of years I have realized that while people care that you have an opinion, they do not necessarily care what that opinion is and would rather not have you challenge theirs. Your family you are stuck with, so it is best to practice this skill with them. While you choose your friends, it is as if by choosing them you decide it is okay if you have different opinions and therefore it is safe to discuss them.
I do not think I know when my mother things she is being sarcastic or funny. She always sounds judgmental and angry when she comments on things, and then when I try to talk her down she gets actually angry at me. Or maybe she is just judgmental and angry, but she frequently acts exasperated when I comment, so I think she is trying to be funny. I may never know.
My grandmother is quickly going down hill with her late onset Alzheimers. This week my Dad and Uncle are taking her to the home they had all checked out when her mind was working (slightly) better to have lunch and leave her there (and with dementia/Alzheimers patients they do not want you to visit for a few weeks so the person adjusts to their new home). My Dad and I talked quite a bit about the situation, and he knows that this is all more difficult for him (and his brothers) than it is for her, but he is dreading the idea of Christmas. How my Grandmother adapts to living in the home will determine whether the medical staff thinks it is okay to take her out for Christmas. (If she is not adjusting well, they will recommend against it.) Every time I am home, the older generation comments that I will be surprised at how bad my grandmother is, but really I am not. I am prepared to not be able to have a real conversation with her and for her to not remember anything and be confused. I wonder if they are surprised that I am not more upset by it?
Family friends stopped over Friday with their kids, all six of whom they adopted from the foster care system and three of whom I babysat. We usually see them at Christmas, but the dad had been fairly persistent that they stop by while all of us were there. My brother and his wife were in town, and I guess they hadn't met my SIL before. Then the dad died. That night. In the car while his wife was driving. While this was very much sudden and very much completely unexpected, there have been many strange coincidences over the past few weeks leading up to his death. I went in to the hospital with my parents, then we helped get the family and their cars home and waited while the grandmother, two aunts, and nephew drove the four hours in the middle of the night. It was a long night for me, but it will be a very tough holiday season for the Mom and kids. He asked me how life was, I talked with the Mom about teaching, and as they were leaving, he made sure to check in to see if I had a Man in my life. He always asked about that, hence the capital 'M'. When I did have one, he asked about the status of the relationship. In the car, I guess he told his wife I never change (I am pretty sure in a good way!). I am glad they stopped, that I got to say good bye to him, and spend some time with the family. I am hoping and praying the family sticks together and gets through this; a couple of the kids have had rougher lives than others and will not have an easy time dealing with this loss.
Last weekend I got to catch up with some friends from Boston who are atheists. Much of my family no longer practices any religion and no longer has any particular belief and/or also identifies as an atheist. I, to this day, do not know what I believe but in recent years have found and participated in Christian churches with beliefs in various civil rights and investment in public service that I place value in. These values and practices are in secular lives as well, and I think that whether a person is religious or non-religious does not determine their investment in these issues and practices. Both religious and non-religious people are judgmental about the other, which is fairly obvious if you ever are exposed to an ounce of news coverage. See above for my current approach to these topics when with my family. Interestingly, I did not bring up my church attendance with my friends last weekend, mainly because of the meeting they were attending and the people we were surrounded with. Although I did talk about church with the one friend when it was just she and I hanging out, so it may follow my argument above comparing conversations with family and friends.
Boys are boys. My SIL (and my sister who actually reads this) will be disappointed to learn that BIL guy and I just. hung. out. again tonight. And decorated my tree together, because that's what platonic friends do, right? And also I am not willing to put myself out on a limb if there is any possibility of rejection, and I'm okay with that (see previous relationships chronicled on this very blog).
Occasionally I will wonder about the title of my blog, but tonight is one of those times I realize just how fitting it is. Where to start?
03 November 2013
Now what?
I think I have a fun hangover. (And I do mean fun hangover, not an actual hangover.) I managed to get my butt out of bed and run yesterday before going wine tasting. Then went wine tasting for several hours just outside of the city, mostly on lovely back roads with great fall views, with some planned stops and unplanned stops. We were talking about food earlier in the day and I mentioned how I had picked up stuff to make ravioli the night before, but hadn't actually made them. We were vaguely talking about dinner plans on the way back to my place, so I said we could just make ravioli. So we did - squash, gorgonzola, pine nut ravioli with garlic butter (from scratch, but cheating by using wonton wrappers). Delicious.
Now I have to see about the red wine I spilled on my cream colored carpet after BIL guy left, figure out my errands for the day, grade some lab reports...I want to have another fun day though?!
Now I have to see about the red wine I spilled on my cream colored carpet after BIL guy left, figure out my errands for the day, grade some lab reports...I want to have another fun day though?!
30 October 2013
Expectations
I keep wanting to write about a lot of different things all in one post with some coherent theme. I have the word 'expectations' stuck in my head for some reason, but I am not really sure how this will bring everything together. Let's see how this goes.
An obvious place to start is with the Red Sox. I love them. They are currently playing what could be the last game of the World Series if they win. I am staying up for the whole game, which they are cruising through right now.
Running. I mentioned that I told my friend I would run a half marathon a year from now. He is running it next weekend. It is in Disney World, at night, and there is a big food and wine party at the finish line. I dislike running, but figure if I am going to do it, it might as well be at the happiest/most magical place on earth. Anyway. I looked up Disney's running training and realized that I do not have to actually run the whole race. This may seem obvious, but I guess that if I do something, I want to DO IT. You have to finish the race in 3 1/2 hours, and I could walk it in that, so I will finish. Now to figure out how fast I will be able to finish it. I have been running a couple of days a week to get in shape, but hope I can take advantage of the year to pull off a somewhat respectable time.
BIL guy and I hang out regularly. I guess I should stop saying they are "non-dates", but it still makes me feel more relaxed about it, and we have actually just been hanging out. He is a nice guy, we always have stuff to talk about, and I just upped my text plan because we text a lot.
There were a couple of Halloween events on campus this week. My department won the costume contests at each, as we went as an ecosystem. I was a deer (as in a primary consumer, a.k.a an herbivore). I was just going to put some antlers on a headband.
The costume worked out pretty well though - I put a big white circle on my shirt today to round out the costume.
What else? My students have generally been great. (Which I forgot that I just wrote about, but it must be true if I wanted to write about it again.) It may not seem like a college professor would say this, but even at this age I feel like they are my 'kids'. I am sad that a couple of them in particular have dropped the course, but understand why. Others who are failing are driving me crazy because they are not trying enough. One who improved amazingly on her last exam gave me a hug. One who is really smart finally pulled off a passing exam score with a 90 (yay!) and then proceeded to not hand in a lab report. He is driving me crazy?!
I cooked up some squash tonight and decided to roast the delicata squash seeds with no particular expectations of them. They were DELICIOUS. I have not tried the squash yet.
Oh! I also went up to my parents' a few weeks ago. I show up after dark on a Friday night, and my mother informs me that "All the leaves have fallen off the trees already." I seriously went to bed sad thinking that I missed all of Vermont's foliage this year. Good thing my mom is crazy. Exhibit A:
I still cannot set up a key part of my lab, which is hugely frustrating but I know it will happen. The plus side is that I am definitely expected to do research and involve undergraduates (and I am looking forward to it), but teaching is what is REALLY important (and thus teaching in the lab). I have been trying to use my time wisely to plan for next semester and think about grant writing because the lab stuff is dragging out a bit.
I guess I also want to throw out there that I think I am happy. Well, I am happy. Considering my only post in August was about how my life sucked, this is a nice change. ;-) Other little things have happened that are not great, but they are fine. They are life. In August these little things would have been awful. I guess I had enough time to feel sorry for myself back then, and now I can roll with the punches. Keep it up, Life!
An obvious place to start is with the Red Sox. I love them. They are currently playing what could be the last game of the World Series if they win. I am staying up for the whole game, which they are cruising through right now.
Running. I mentioned that I told my friend I would run a half marathon a year from now. He is running it next weekend. It is in Disney World, at night, and there is a big food and wine party at the finish line. I dislike running, but figure if I am going to do it, it might as well be at the happiest/most magical place on earth. Anyway. I looked up Disney's running training and realized that I do not have to actually run the whole race. This may seem obvious, but I guess that if I do something, I want to DO IT. You have to finish the race in 3 1/2 hours, and I could walk it in that, so I will finish. Now to figure out how fast I will be able to finish it. I have been running a couple of days a week to get in shape, but hope I can take advantage of the year to pull off a somewhat respectable time.
BIL guy and I hang out regularly. I guess I should stop saying they are "non-dates", but it still makes me feel more relaxed about it, and we have actually just been hanging out. He is a nice guy, we always have stuff to talk about, and I just upped my text plan because we text a lot.
There were a couple of Halloween events on campus this week. My department won the costume contests at each, as we went as an ecosystem. I was a deer (as in a primary consumer, a.k.a an herbivore). I was just going to put some antlers on a headband.
Then I decided I would whip up some fleece pants. It was an imperfect
sewing project in which I just used a pair of fleece pants I love as a
template.
I cooked up some squash tonight and decided to roast the delicata squash seeds with no particular expectations of them. They were DELICIOUS. I have not tried the squash yet.
Oh! I also went up to my parents' a few weeks ago. I show up after dark on a Friday night, and my mother informs me that "All the leaves have fallen off the trees already." I seriously went to bed sad thinking that I missed all of Vermont's foliage this year. Good thing my mom is crazy. Exhibit A:
I guess I also want to throw out there that I think I am happy. Well, I am happy. Considering my only post in August was about how my life sucked, this is a nice change. ;-) Other little things have happened that are not great, but they are fine. They are life. In August these little things would have been awful. I guess I had enough time to feel sorry for myself back then, and now I can roll with the punches. Keep it up, Life!
17 October 2013
Absolutes
I am enjoying my students and teaching this semester. I have concerns about the level of the knowledge the students are expected to know (and an older faculty member who has been working on things other than teaching is getting concerned, too). I tend towards the idea that if you expect more of people, you will get more from people. The students who expect the course to be difficult are putting the most work in, and it pays off! Other students have ended up dropping the course.
In just a couple of months, I think I have a pretty good relationship with my students in general. I love that they will stop by and ask questions. One of them is serious about trying different things to get her grade up, including coming to my office to take a practice test.
Other students want you to answer every little question they have instead of looking it up, and it drives me crazy. One student in particular has quite a loud voice, and asks questions all the time. This student is smart, but has not quite figured out how to pass an exam in the course. This student asks the most straight forward questions, which is great except they are questions that are super easy to look up. We will see how he does on the next exam...
Regardless, I care about all of them. My first college class. :-)
The biggest intellectual challenge for me so far, though, is committing to an answer when I am not ENTIRELY, but only pretty, sure of the answer. I am used to confirming answers, looking up research, being sure of the answer. My students want that yes or no answer right away. But if I cannot be absolutely sure, I give a vague answer and go look it up later. I need to practice the art of giving an absolute answer, even if I am not absolutely sure.
In just a couple of months, I think I have a pretty good relationship with my students in general. I love that they will stop by and ask questions. One of them is serious about trying different things to get her grade up, including coming to my office to take a practice test.
Other students want you to answer every little question they have instead of looking it up, and it drives me crazy. One student in particular has quite a loud voice, and asks questions all the time. This student is smart, but has not quite figured out how to pass an exam in the course. This student asks the most straight forward questions, which is great except they are questions that are super easy to look up. We will see how he does on the next exam...
Regardless, I care about all of them. My first college class. :-)
The biggest intellectual challenge for me so far, though, is committing to an answer when I am not ENTIRELY, but only pretty, sure of the answer. I am used to confirming answers, looking up research, being sure of the answer. My students want that yes or no answer right away. But if I cannot be absolutely sure, I give a vague answer and go look it up later. I need to practice the art of giving an absolute answer, even if I am not absolutely sure.
07 October 2013
A girl's gotta eat
I am trying to slowly get back in the habit of really cooking again. Yesterday I whipped up this pumpkin-kale lasagna, and it is pretty darn good. I used canned pumpkin and some sharp cheese instead of the provolone. Kale and pumpkin both have distinctive flavors, so I like the stronger cheese.
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