Tolerance

Excerpt from Dictionary dot com:

• a fair, objective, and permissive attitude toward some thing; a liberal, undogmatic viewpoint; freedom from bigotry
  

• the act or capacity of enduring

I was reflecting on what many would consider derogatory words that were said last night when I was playing poker. I was also the only woman, so I also wonder if some of it was toned down too. These are things that I do not normally hear in the groups of friends I have. I am not going to put them in writing, but any comment you may imagine between a group of people that have grown up in a very homogeneous environment might said to each other in a joking banter while drinking beer during a poker game would likely fit the bill here.

During my commute this morning, I started thinking about tolerance, assumptions, perceptions, intentions, and learning, to name a few.

When I say I tolerate something, I would usually mean it in the sense of suffering it while it passes. When 'tolerate' is used in society, it is meant in the undogmatic, bigotry-free sense. When people teach tolerance, they would presumably also mean this "liberal", objective attitude. So are there people out there who also "tolerate" people of races, religion, sexual orientation, ethnicities, etc. that are different from there own in the sense of suffering those peoples' existences? Probably.

We will stick with that happy, accepting definition though.

How does someone who has grown up in a homogeneous environment learn that using certain words in a joking manner is actually hurtful and mean? I distinctly remember calling other children "queer-bait" when I was little (younger than third grade). At some point I stopped using this word, but it was not until I was older and understood the modern usage of "queer" meaning homosexual and "bait" to draw someone in that I understood what I was really calling other children. I suppose you could say that I was also using the definition of "odd" for queer, but really, as I child, I knew none of this. I just knew that calling someone a "queer-bait" meant that they were being stupid...or something.

I have friends and colleagues from all walks of life, races, religion, physical capacities, ethnic backgrounds, sexual orientation, citizenships, education backgrounds, careers, socio-economic backgrounds, and whatever other measure of diversity you may use. I think I am a tolerant person. I use some obvious characteristics to describe my friends too. Is this appropriate? How do you describe someone without referring to these overt aspects of who they are? I have read and heard people stating that by pointing out someone's skin color you are not blind to that person's skin color. Well, honestly, how can you be blind to how someone appears?

So then it is how you behave towards someone, right? Only then some would argue that you are acting tolerant even though you have preconceived notions of what someone is like based on their perceived race. Well, geez. If a study shows that human participants tend to think someone is more likely to be a criminal because they are wearing stereotypically "black" clothing, does that mean I would think this? (And yes, people do studies like these.) Well, no. But how do I know that I do not make these assumptions? If I am discussing these issues and say that I am not racist by pointing out that I have black or Asian or Hispanic friends or that I am not homophobic by pointing out that I have gay friends, how is this interpreted? Does the person think that I am racist or homophobic because I felt the need to categorize my friends?

Of course, these are all highly charged and sensitive topics. I think about how college felt like a safe microcosm in which to explore these issues. I think many college campuses foster open discussions and personal growth around these topics. What about those who cannot or do not go to college? What about those who attend a college that puts forth very narrow viewpoints and these issues are not explored?

I think it is difficult to gauge an environment in which it is appropriate to broach these questions and ideas. It is difficult to be tolerant and want to correct a person's use of what can be a hurtful word. Last night at poker, after one of these comments was made, I did not turn to the guy next to me and said, "Oh, you're gay??? I know this great guy," but maybe I should have to correct the name caller in a light-hearted manner?

I have so many other thoughts about this and how to make people aware of what they say and what it could mean to someone else, in addition to my own mistakes and learning. Maybe I will follow up with assumptions, perceptions, intentions, and learning. For now, I will leave you with this quote from Sarcastic Mom's recent post:

And yes, I know that a “cock” is a rooster. I also know that “gay” means happy and a “fag” is a cigarette. And yet, I wouldn’t say that a happy farmer smoking a cigarette next to his rooster is a gay dude tokin’ a fag by his cock.