Tapped

I was going to title this 'Tapped Out', but I am not quite there yet. In true form I have some work I truly need to finish tonight. I also just had a text conversation with a dear friend about how we need to catch up and said that I was sad over the weekend thinking about how I haven't been able to make time to keep up with friends [waves hi to all those friends out there], but here I am posting something so I can clear my mind and get the work done. You're welcome.

The truth is I do have down time, and it is typically spent hanging out with Bill. I did see a friend and her fiancee over the weekend because she happened to text and Bill and I were going to be walking right by their apartment. I am going on a whirlwind trip to Disney World next weekend and running 13.1 miles in the middle of the trip. Life is not entirely all work and no play.

Work is happening and good and very busy. I find myself talking with a lot of students outside of class, which is great because I think they generally think I am approachable and helpful. My summer research student frequently exclaims how much she loves me and how I always have great advice. I am particularly touched after the college chaplain emailed me with a message from a student I have a good relationship with because that student specifically asked the chaplain to tell me something.

It is a tricky balance when students like interacting with you and you want to know what all of them think and how you can help them but you have classes to prep and research to do. I said to friends at work today that I think I am spending too much time doing that because at the end of the day I have talked with a lot of students and not done much work. I end up at home at 9:00 with a bunch of work to do. I do love the student part of my job, though, and sometimes I think I would be fulfilled by a career in counseling.

Then I get an email from the college chaplain that makes me tear up (the student is/will be fine, but I am just worried), and then I realize counseling and caring about everyone all the time would be too exhausting.

Holy Moly!

It's been a bit of time since I last posted, and this one is sure to disappoint. By all means, you few readers are welcome to let me know what I should be writing about or what you've wondered I've been up to. I've been busy, and life is good. So I'm here to share with you conversations I still have with the Ex about once a year. This is from yesterday/today.

Him: I'll be in your city soon. Want to meet up for dinner??
Me: No thanks.
Him: Boo. Really? {insert FB 'sticker' to indicate frustrated emotion} I respect your decision, but wish we could be friends

[This is not the first time he has said that...and a mere 12 hours later he follows up, so I'm not sure what his version of 'respecting my decision' means.]

Him: BTW, why don't you want to hang out? We've both had significant others since we dated. Doesn't that mean we can be friends now?
Me: I have enough friends and don't need reminders of failed relationships. I've thought about them enough. Why do you keep pushing it every so often over the years when I keep saying no?

[You're all asking yourselves right about now why I'm engaging in this conversation, right? Me too.**]

Him: Okay. I give up. I "keep pushing it" because I want to reconnect with an old friend and hope you've gotten over it now since it's been almost 10 years and you've had other relationship. {insert FB sticker to indicate confused emotion.}
Me: Sure, I've gotten over it and moved on, which is why I'm happy with the friends I have.

And I leave you with that to ponder. We've had this 'conversation' before.

Off to spend the day drinking beer with the guy I'm actually dating, to be followed tomorrow morning with my first running race ever (a 5k on campus) so that I can at least have a race experience once before doing 13.1 miles next month. Ack! I need to come up with a running plan for the next few weeks. I've done 10.4 so I'm not too worried, but would like to do at least a 12 or 13 mile run before then.

[**I do have his phone number blocked so he cannot text me. Not sure if he realizes that or not. He doesn't email. Now every so often he'll send a FB message. Why haven't I unfriended him? Because I don't want the email asking, "Why, Jenski, why?" Although now that I write that, an email would be easier to ignore...]

Where did June go?

Time flies when you're super busy! I do not really have time to post right now because I have some emails to write and a grant proposal to work on. I was inspired to share a couple of things though, like text conversations with Bill that make me laugh. He is on the left; I am on the right.

I went to a workshop where there were lupine...

...jellyfish...

...and lots of fun and good connections made. I also got to see friends and family before and after the workshop, which is always a plus!

There are other things I could write about, but maybe when things slow down after my proposal deadline? Famous last words - after that deadline is an undergrad research day with my summer student and after that I have four weeks to plan a seminar course and catch up on all the other teaching ideas I have had. It would be nice to read a book for fun too....

That's it!

I have a couple of posts in draft form, a grant to write, my sister's birthday to follow up on (it's on my list, Aim!), a long weekend with my parents I could post about, a conference tomorrow.

But I heard this song on the radio on my way home. I teared up and had one of those aha! moments.

This is why I hesitate to risk putting myself out there.

Girl can you tell me
the one thing you'd rather die than lose?
'Cause mine would be you.
Mine would be you.

When I heard these final lines in the song, I thought that I have felt that way before, and I don't feel like that was reciprocated. Maybe my actions did not exhibit the emotion behind them enough? I do not really know, but I am not sure that someone has felt this way about me, and I teared up. [To be fair, I bet that my high school boyfriend did feel this way, but given our young age, didn't know how to fight for us and get my 19-year-old-self to grow up.]

When this song came out, the whole thing made me cry. Then, when I stopped being angry and hurt about my last relationship, I would hear it wish that someone felt (or acted) this way for me; it gave me a sense of longing. Now, apparently, it does what I am sure therapy could have done two years ago and gave me a chance to articulate why I shy away from the possibility of another relationship.

Music is cheaper than therapy.

Aging

A couple of weeks ago I entered a new age bracket. I now have to check off "35-44 years old" when I fill out surveys in an attempt to win $1500 for praising the clearance section when filling out the the survey from the bottom of a Target receipt.

I remember coming up with interesting things to post about with regards to another year under my belt. I am getting older, though, and I forget what those interesting things were. Just kidding. Well, not really. I do think I have forgotten, but it has been nearly a month since I posted, so I am sure I can come up with something you all care to read about....

So the big 3-5.

...I got some presents...

...and used them...

 ...(Not pictured: chocolate, sneakers, wine cork decorative container, handheld vacuum.) Yes, I took a picture of a fried egg.

OH. Speaking of eggs. Here is a good conversation a BFF and I had. (This was totally a stream of consciousness-like post. My brain makes connections that are just this clever.)

Friend: Hey, Jenski, how's life?
Jenski: Great. Here's what's new, etc., etc. What's new with you?
Friend: Oh, not much. The boyfriend still hasn't finished grad school. I also called with a weird question. Have you ever thought about freezing your eggs?
Jenski: No. As in, right now I can't imagine feeling like I would ever want to freeze my eggs.
{Insert conversation about aging and fertility.}

Actually, I guess relationships and family are the biggest thing I think about when I think about aging. At 35 years old, I do not actually FEEL old, but when I think about life, I think that I am slowly running out of time for certain things. Now that I am on the topic, why don't I turn this post into that?

After a somewhat lengthy discussion on the topic, it comes down to this: She assumes she will have fertility problems, and given certain situations and family, I do not assume I will. I would love to have children, but given my last relationship, prioritizing my current career given relationship failures, and my age, I have also come to terms with the fact that it may not happen. I used to worry about boogers and puke; now I wonder how I would be able to teach a 3-hour lab starting at 8:30 a.m. if my child is up with the flu all night. I am also completely open to falling in love with a child who was not my biological child if that is what is in the cards. While it was a bit tongue-in-cheek, if my child is already potty trained and sleeps through the night when they become my child, who am I to complain? (Right now) I do not need to mess with my body, inject myself with hormones, and have a bunch of my eggs harvested and frozen to be happy with my life. This is what feels right to me right now, but you never know what life will bring, right?

It is also frustrating to know I am getting older and have people tell me that I am "so" young (because I am the youngest in my department). While I do not feel OLD, I know I am not YOUNG.

Now that I have that off my chest, I will try to post again soon with more interesting things....

FYI, my birthday also entailed going out to a great dinner with Bill (and a future weekend away somewhere TBD), some flowers from a coworker's garden, and lots of "Happy birthdays!" in the form of FB posts and texts from friends and family. It is not so bad getting older. :-)

Relationships

This is not about the romantic type of relationships, but the friend type.

I have struggled to get stuff done so I could get my research set up this year and head back to my post-doc lab to retrieve some reagents. Plan A was to go back Thanksgiving. Plan B was winter break. Plan C was spring break. I had reached various states of anxiety over this time, thinking I would never get my research going. Each time I would chill out because this is my first year and my teaching is going fine and I will have a summer student and I have been engaged on campus. I am at a small liberal arts college. These are the real expectations. (As a matter of fact, my department chair gave me a heads up that he's supposed to write a progress letter for my file but it wasn't at the top of his list because the department has no concerns about me, but that he would get to it eventually.)

At the beginning of mid-March, I FINALLY finalized dates for a technician come to set up the system I inherited from my post-doc lab that required some plumbing and electric work in my future lab that I had waited a couple of months for facilities to get done. My Plan D trip back to my post-doc lab is now Easter Weekend.

Even though I had touched base with friends over the past 6 months and held my imminent visit (see Plans A through C above) out like a carrot in front of a rabbit, I could actually tell them I was definitely coming! They all got excited and so am I. There have been some snags in getting my lab ready to make it possible to bring stuff back, but even if I can't do it for my research, I have decided that I will still go to see everyone.

I miss my friends there. I was sadder to leave than I would have thought, given the reason for my moving there and the outcome of that relationship. I am so excited to see them (plus a baby that has arrived since I left!) in a couple of weeks. On a related note, I finally unfriended CF on the face book. I was working up to it and frankly wanted to do it before my impending birthday so that he would notice. I am awful. :-)

This has also made me think about various friendships I have made over the years. Friendships that are stronger than others. Once stronger friendships that have faded. Friendships that make for fun times when schedules and travel plans match up. Friendships that make me happy about my life choices, despite any difficult times that coincided. Old friends to whom I am geographically closer now and as a result made new friendships, thanks to my friends having significant others. New friendships where I live now that I would miss if I left my new home (absolutely no plans to do so, though), and surprise that as much as I like to sit at home and drink beer and watch TV, that those friendships developed in 6 months.

Sometimes, and honestly sometimes quite often, I miss things I do not have in my life, nor ever have, that others do. But in reality, I have made choices about my life and the things that I do about which I am happy and make me happy regardless.