I totally have a bad attitude when speaking with my advisor. I do not think I go so far as being disrespectful. I do need to figure out how to deal with the fact that I do not exactly respect her while maintaining a respectful relationship. For example, I gave her a draft of the poster I am presenting at a conference next week. My recent data has a lot of variability, but only in the group that was treated with a chemical. Even though there is variability, it is apparent that the chemical has an effect. My advisor had not read through the poster yet, but noticed the variability. So she asked me why the error bars in the graphs were so large. I seriously was wondering why she was asking this and said, "Because there is a lot of variability in the data." She did call me a wise ass, but then explained herself. I probably should have asked in what sense was she asking. She was actually trying to figure out if the problems I was having with the technique were still problems, but I thought she was actually asking me why the error bars were so large with regards to how that actually can come to be so.
I also get frustrated because she is only in once or twice a week right now while she tries out some stuff in another lab. When she comes in and I am in the middle of something, all of a sudden she wants to know everything I have been doing and if there are new data. Um, could we have a meeting if you really want to go through all the experiments I have been running??
One of my problems is that she does not intimidate me, but I do recognize that she is in a position of power over me. I also really wish I could look up to her. She is tenured at a good university, for crying out loud. This is something I have always thought I have wanted! It is actually frustrating for me to not have my advisor be someone I truly look up to. I do remember a conversation in a 6-week ethics course about how you can have many mentors for many aspects of your life and your advisor is not necessarily your mentor and blah, blah, blah. There is a woman in my department who I want to be - tenured, respected, on top of her sh*&, a mom, a wife, strong, and straight forward. This woman does not lie. I get annoyed when my advisor lies. She tried saying how she had drawn out a mechanism for a fellow grad student's data a million and one ways (on paper, in powerpoint, in pencil, in pen, on transparencies so they could be stacked), but every time they meet our advisor does not contribute intellectually to the conversation and only asks questions. Maybe this is her way of leading us to answers, but I doubt it.
ANYWAY, how do you act with respect when you do not necessarily feel that way?
7 comments:
Sometimes I think that, ideally, we should be able to learn from anyone, no matter how nuts they are. Still, that's not how we expect the advisor relationship to go... they're in that position because they're supposed to advise.
I think it is reasonable for an advisor to ask a lot of questions. After all, you should know your data better than her. And by asking questions, she is training you to think in terms of asking questions. HOWEVER, there is something to be said for an advisor who actually knows your work well enough to give suggestions.
As for the respect question, I don't know if you are asking rhetorically or for real. But if you are asking for real, I would say that the only way you can be respectful in your mannerisms toward her is to find Something that you respect. Can you respect that she has tenure? Can you respect that she has grants? If those don't work for you, I'm not sure what will, but it would help if you could find it. In theory, there was something about her you liked when you first joined the lab, otherwise you wouldn't have. Maybe you can think back to those days and see if you can find something. (note that I didn't say "act", because I don't think you should be acting and faking your feelings). If you are asking rhetorically, ignore all of this.
Just remember to not burn any bridges, whatever you do. You'll need her recommendation letters in the future. Of course, you realize this - but it is important to keep it in the forefront of your mind as you move on in your career. I've seen some people really screw this up who should've known better.
Respect is something that is earned. When your advisor asks questions does it make you question your work? Or consider things from a different perspective? If so she is trying to guide you to see things in a different way. If she's asking things that sound like she's just trying to figure out what you are even doing then she's not doing her job correctly. I guess if you cannot have respect for her you will just need to be professional with her, which is a totally different thing entirely. Remember you can learn from everybody, perhaps here you can learn that just because a person gets a position of tenure doesn't automatically make them worthy of having it.
I'm guessing part of the problem is that respect is ideally mutual, and from what I've heard she doesn't show you much respect.
I used to work for a boss who was such a fool that I could hardly see straight for all my frustrations. Still I remained courteous because I didn't want to give her any chance to blame me for our conflicts. I was motivated to remain "above reproach". It worked, most of the time.
Wow, good ideas already... you have wise commenters! Some concrete suggestions:
How about "active listening"? If you just paraphrase what Advisor has said (e.g., when you disagree or are mad), she'll know you're listening, and you won't have to argue with her if it won't be productive to do so. I always thought it was a little lame, but it's shockingly effective sometimes.
When I'm dealing with people I don't like/respect/etc., I find it helpful to be polite, perhaps even to the point of obsequiousness. If nothing else, it gives me something else to focus on.
Or you can think about it the Chinese way: With Advisor, you are careful to save face. Even if she acts unprofessionally, you can be proud to be better than that.
That said, let's not forget your steps toward personal empowerment, either. E.g., when she walks into the lab, and you're in the middle of a procedure or some analysis, is it possible to pause and ask her if you can wrap up what you're doing and speak to her in 5/10/15 minutes?
Hmm...good question. Because I really don't respect my boss at all.
Typically I just tell myself that he can't make me do anything I find morally questionable. Period. Anything else, I can deal with.
So I smile and nod and curse him under my breath a lot.
It works for me.
Thanks for everyone's suggestions, seriously! I think my first goal is to not act like a wise ass and take it from there. I definitely need to try things to deal with her in the moment and not get angry in the first place!
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