Where to start? Take 1

I think this post will exemplify why I use the name "Where to start?" I am sure it will be rambling, because I am not sure how I am going to start it, where it will end, and when I will continue my mental/emotional vomiting, if you will.

I have some topic ideas for blog posts, but they overlap so much that I really do not know where to start with any of them. Maybe if I post a completely random jumble of stuff, I can just write about "blogerapy" (that's right people, blogerapy), who is responsible for my happiness, and my roommate's fear I will become obsessed with this whole blogging thing, as offshoots to this post.

I went to my Ex's tonight for dinner. He just got a smoker, smoked some meat and nuts, I got to see his closer friends who I have not seen in an extremely long time and meet his roommate of many months. My Ex and his ex-fiancee had many friends in common and agreed to not make anyone chose whose side to be on after they split, but I was never close enough with any of them that this would be a problem. They are all ridiculously smart and know what's going on in the world. I think part of the reason I like them is that they make my Ex seem more normal by association. Anyway. I am not actually writing to complain about The Ex or how weird he is. Just that we can be friends as long as I am okay with saying no. No, I will not stay over. No, not even close to staying over. I just walked out your door; no those are not my sunglasses you have in your kitchen; even if they were, when I came back to get them, I would not stay over. "It's not a bad to do it every once in a blue moon," he says. Oh, so the last blue moon was too long ago, huh?

The reason this frustrates me is that I so wish that I was in a happy stable relationship. I am perfectly capable of being alone and independent. I am usually happy, and pretty much content the rest of the time. When I feel frustrated/sad/upset/down is when I think about the fact that intellectually, I know I am a good person, and I deserve to be with a good person. So why haven't I been able to find The One with whom I click?

I am afraid to open up to "strangers". I have absolutely no problem baring my soul to friends (minus the personal details of course), but it does not come easy to me in relationships. I attribute this to the three "big" relationships I've been in: The High School Boyfriend, The Korean Boyfriend, and The Ex. The High School Boyfriend, well, we were young and he did not challenge me. I think I got bored. The Korean Boyfriend I really believe understood me and we talked about getting married and having children. We met when I was in China. I knew I still wanted to go to graduate school. That was the last "selfish" thing I had to do. I was in no place to consider relocating at the expense of a PhD. We lasted for about four months after I got back. I still think about him. Oh, there was the difficulty of communication due to some language barrier issues and "deep" conversations were less deep out of necessity, so I was used to not being able to communicate everything. Then The Ex, and, well, our relationship was based on about a year of us both claiming we were not looking for anything serious. That may be true, but after a year you would think that we would have realized it was more than "not serious". But we did not. And we were really bad at communicating. He knew I wanted a marriage and a family for myself, and said he did not want that. But we stayed together and continued to be bad at communicating. I think I did not feel comfortable baring all to someone who did not want the same thing. Now he claims he does want that. I still care about him and what happens to him, but it can not work out.

I have a feeling a few readers will feel pain when they read this, but I still think: "What if?" I was actually talking to two of my guy friends the other day and being married came up. I do not remember exactly why I said it, but I pointed out that I could be married to The Ex now if I wanted to. But I do not. Or do I? Did I think, or do I think, that he really wants children now, or does he just miss me that much? I miss him. I think I hold on because I need him to understand why we can not be together; to finally listen to me and see where I am coming from. I wonder if this wondering comes from the familiarity of him and my desire to be settled. I wonder how difficult it would be for my friendships if he and I had stayed together that last time when we got back together after breaking up after getting back together after breaking up.

I recently realized it may not be too bad to be the Single Bridesmaid at my friend's wedding. I should get a sign to hang on my back that says something about, "I'm single and I might get drunk." Do not worry, I do not do things I would not otherwise be willing to do when I have been drinking (famous last words).

I distinctly remember a match writing in their profile that they were not looking for a woman who wanted to be challenged. They wanted someone who already knows who she is. Um, isn't that a cop out if you don't challenge each other? Is that even a relationship? I know who I am, but I hope The One can challenge that in a constructive manner and vice versa. I also know that there are things that have happened in my life that are very potential deal breakers. Without all the details, if The One does not agree with my perspective, he would at least have to truly accept these things for it to work, because down the road he will NOT throw these things back in my face (so says me).

Huh. Blogerapy? I assume therapy is supposed to help you straighten out how you feel and think and maybe help you act on that. My attempts in the past to speak with a professional have left me not feeling any different and I thus lack the desire to find a therapist with whom I connect. For now, I've got me my blogerapy. My happiness? Well, I am perfectly capable of being happy on my own, I just wish I had a partner to be happy with as well. My roommate's fear of a blog obsession? Almost too late? Seriously though, I do not view it as an obsession, but rather a creative-ish outlet that is not science focused. No promise about what happens to this blog if I find The One. Hopefully I can still manage 365 days. ;)

How's that for random stuff?